Swanage man denies being Prime Minister

A man hitherto believed by many to be UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson, has shocked the country by denying it.

During an interview on Sky, when being asked about the Chancellor's Spring Statement having done little or nothing for the poor or disadvantaged, the man, a rotund shock-headed and rather bumbling individual said: 'Look, here. Why do you keep addressing me as prime minister? I'm James (Jimbo to my chums) Anstruther.'

The puzzled presenter said: 'Well, I do so because in fact you are. You're Boris Johnson, aren't you. You are the British Prime Minister?"

There then followed a bizarre exchange when the man stated repeatedly and categorically he was not Mr Johnson, insisting: 'Piffle, poffle and wiffle. I am James Anstruther, a market gardener from Swanage."

In what's being seen as a worrying development, a Mr James Anstruther, market gardener from Swanage was unavailable for comment today. One close neighbour said he had not been seen around the locality for at least a week, when he was last spotted flanked by two shadowy figures being bundled into the back of a large black limousine.

First published 25 March 2022

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Tories accused of dithering over Boris

Conservative MPs have belatedly embraced the concept of social distancing, but only as far as the Prime Minister is concerned. 'I don't want to catch what he has,' pointed out one Conservative MP, 'I've a narrow majority to retain in two years' time.'

Many MPs want to see the back of Boris Johnson but are afraid of getting too close to sticking the knife in. 'You don't know where he's been,' suggested one MP. Another wore a mask, but only in the hope of not being recognised. 'As soon as we can get back to doing what we want with impunity, the better,' he said.

First published 21 Dec 2021

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Sunak: 'Now Boris is gone, I’m a big brave boy'

Rishi Sunak was sounding tough on refusing to give Boris Johnson all of the peerages he wanted, in much the same way that a nerd talks tough when the bullies aren’t around to flush his head down the toilet.

Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst sighed wearily ‘Rishi’s authority as Prime Minster is a firm as a supply teacher over-extending a damp single ply toilet roll. Nadine Dorries says she’s resigned but hasn’t yet – I bet the Chiltern Hundreds are devastated. Rishi calls her Nodame instead of Nadine. Not to her face obviously, he’s petrified of her, even though sinister forces mean he can’t understand what she’s saying.’

‘Don’t forget, Liz Truss’ honours list is next. That ought to be fun and totally sane. Arise, Sir Pork Markets.’