UK rejoices after fall of Starmer's brutally boring regime

'It's the best Christmas gift ever!' cried Sharon from Uttoxeter, brandishing a dinky bottle of Babycham in the middle of London's Trafalgar Square, which was packed with people rejoicing at Keir Starmer's sudden escape from the UK.

''I've been keeping this bottle specially for the occasion,' giggled Sharon.

'For six months solid, the Starmerist regime has been boring us all to tears. It's been torture. Now, at last, life might get remotely interesting.'

Sir Keir was last seen at Gatwick airport on Saturday night, buying non-alcoholic grape juice from Duty Free before catching an Easyjet flight to Brussels. At one point, his plane disappeared from the radar screens and was thought to have crashed, but it turned out the radars considered the flight too tedious to follow.

'Belgium has always been a haven for very insipid people,' said Piers Nondescript, a researcher at the Institute for the Crushingly Dull. 'Sir Keir will fit right in to life there, regulating paperclips or the like.'

Starmer's position as the brutally bland head of Britain's government started looking rocky after two massively uninteresting political scandals - one involving someone buying him a new pair of spectacles and the other about one of his ministers pretending to lose a phone.

'I think this drove people to the brink,' continued Dr Nondescript. 'After Brexit, Boris and Truss they'd got used to a rich diet of chaos and total failure. They just couldn't stand any more of Starmer's unrelenting tedium.'

'You look at things in Syria,' screeched Sharon, spilling most of her sickly-sweet sparkling pear drink down her blouse, "and you think nothing that exciting could ever happen in Britain.

'But now it has! The pound could crash and the FTSE could go to zero because of all the political turmoil, but I don't care. We're free of the grey mildew of Starmer's rule!'

Sterling fell by eighty cents against the dollar on news that Angela Rayner might take over as PM.

Historic victory for 'meh'

With the majority of UK voters staying at home, Labour has swept to victory on a wave of apathy, astride the surf board of regret. Their gamble paid off, that although they were hated, the Tories were hated more. With reported election fever just being trapped wind.

In a triumph of the least worst option, Labour now hoped to deliver on their promise of no hope. They set out a bold vision of winning and then counting down the clock until the big pension kicks in.

Sir Keir wasted no time in becoming vilified, something most PMs take a few wars to become. He told a packed audience that he would never knowingly meet their expectations and would always strive to seem bald on the inside. Crowds of upwards of five people, held up placards demanding change. To which Starmer said he would - but only his socks - and then only once a fortnight.

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