top of page
Search

Preview of Tory party manifesto



A leaked copy of the Conservative party’s election manifesto read by Newsbiscuit and translated by our political editor from the three-word sentences it is written in, says that they plan to level up the country by ensuring middle and upper class citizens get access to food banks.


The gist of the manifesto outlines the policy thus: It is entirely wrong that hard-working individuals and their families are prevented access to free food, purely on the basis they are not in receipt of benefits. Britain needs a fairer society, where access to food banks is available to all.


To ensure everyone can get the food they regularly eat, we will introduce legislation that requires food banks to supply quail’s eggs, game and foie gras. This will be paid for by bringing back prescription charges to those who are currently exempt.


Unlike the current policy where most food bank users are expected to collect food parcels themselves, it seems that busy senior executives who can’t be expected to waste their time queuing, will be allowed to send servants and slaves to collect their food hampers.



Offensive content removed from Roald Dahl, leaving 400 blank pages



After a major rehaul to update the author’s work to match modern sensibilities, his publishers were surprised to find that they had erased his entire catalogue. Confessed one editor: ‘Once we trimmed out all the references to fat, ugly and annoying characters, we were left with ‘they lived happily ever after’ and a doodle of peach.’


Complained an avid fan: ‘Who wants to read ‘Charlie and the Vegan Allotment’, ‘The moderately impressive, non-gender specific fox’ or ‘Danny, just another symbol of the patriarchy’? Some art is meant to be provocative; if I wanted something bland and inoffensive I’d have commissioned a nativity play starring James Corden.’


Dahl’s rewritten texts will feature perfectly lovely people being perfectly lovely to each other – where the only villain is Jordan Peterson. The editor said: ‘The title of ‘The Twits’ was already toned down from ‘The ClusterF$ckers’ – or the ‘Brexiteers’ for short.’



bottom of page