Tristan Tate's book: How to be the 'ultimate beta male'

Tristan Tate, brother of the more famous Andrew, has written a book about how to harness your 'beta male energy' to become the second most famous and impressive guy in the room, provided it’s a small room with only two guys in it.

The book includes useful tips such as making sure you’re in the background when people take photos of your more famous brother, as well as tweeting obsequiously about him at least once a day.

'For example, when Andrew announced we were moving to Romania because their laws on sexual assault are weaker, I commented ‘Yeah!’ Which I think really made people sit up and take notice.

'And it’s working. Whereas a few years ago, focus groups showed that hardly anyone had heard of Tristan Tate, now people are more likely to respond ‘No, I don’t think…oh wait, is Tristan the brother?' '

However, preliminary indications are that Tristan may have trouble finding a publisher for his book.

'I honestly thought there was no one sadder than Andrew Tate, bragging about abusing women and then being surprised when he ends up in court for doing exactly that,' said one well-known publisher. 'But it turns out there are wannabes who are even cringier.

'Sorry to be slow in responding to your enquiry, but after reading his manuscript, I felt the need for a very long shower.'

STOP PRESS: Tristan announced today that his book would be published after all, because Andrew told his publisher they couldn’t have his next book unless they agreed to publish Tristan’s as well.

'No problem, bruv, happy to help,' Andrew told his pathetically grateful brother. 'But, er, now you’re making some money, maybe you could think about getting a place of your own, yeah?'

Picture credit: Wix AI

Jamie Oliver pulls children’s book after criticism for stereotyping Mockneys

Jamie Oliver has been sensationally obliged to pull his second book, Geezer and the Oven of Fire, from London bookshelves after a storm of outrage from offended mockneys. The British chef, perennially 27 in his own mind though 49 in chronological age, issued a hastily concocted apology via his publisher, Blindin Books. ‘Mr Oliver sincerely offers his most pukka apologies for any offence taken, nah-mean?’

The humiliating climbdown was forced upon Blindin Books when readers on the outskirts of a true working class London background noticed repeated negative depictions of their type in the storyline . In one chapter, 'Geezer does his nut', Geezer, the eponymous hero, goes into a hangover induced rage because his braised lamb is over-herbed. In another, he calls for central London to be nuked so that all that remains are the outer borough satellite towns that produce authentic mockneys. And in another, he plays down higher education as a waste of time, even though in real life the super chef accepted an honorary degree in dishwashing from Ramsgate College of Let's Get You Through Two More Years of Practical Education to Keep You Off The Govt NEET Stats.

The Geezer series follows the adventures of a young chef from a fictional Essex backwater who leaps to fame when he wins a regional cooking competition in a stained t-shirt. Late for an episode of the 12 minute-episode quick cooking magazine show he is then offered, Geezer accidentally walks through a studio wall, which is an apparent portal into a netherworld of ancient tribes who battle things out in graphic cook-offs. Thus, Geezer lives a double life of popular celebrity in England and culinary warriorship in 'Billericia.'

Geezer attracted controversy in the first book, in which he violently forces his fiancé to drop her aitches, for then giving all his subsequent daughters ‘geezerish’ names: Sam, Billy, and most controversially, Ron. Blur frontman, Damon Albarn, is said to be apoplectic about the depiction of his people. Meanwhile, a source close to Guy Richie says the director is putting about a bit of work said to involve ‘doing Oliver’s knees.’ Elsewhere, Lily Allen was unavailable for comment. Finally, we couldn’t bear the thought of listening to Russell Brand.

Image credit: Wix AI

New Book on the history of Crisps reviewed: There's not much in it

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