Harry calls on supporters to storm royal palaces

Following the examples of Donald Trump and Jair Bolsonaro, the Duke of Sussex, who claims that his place in the Royal family 'has been stolen from him', has persuaded all his supporters to storm Britain's royal palaces in protest, and to help him regain his place within Britain's ruling elite.

The head of Britain's security, however, issued a statement assuring the public that there was nothing to fear and all necessary precautions had been taken, with thousands of police and other officials being told they could take the week-end off. 'As we expected' he said, gesturing towards the deserted road outside Buckingham Palace 'it's clear that all those who sympathise with Harry have flocked here to show their support.'

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Brazilian extinction advocate vacillates regarding own destiny

Trump-adjacent weirdo, Jair Bolsonaro, has publicly declared he will either win the next election, be arrested, or killed. His apparent difficulty in deciding has confused followers of the angry president. One supporter in Sao Paolo muttered: 'Bolsonaro is not some kind of cheap hair care product you expect to wash out like that.

Usually he has strong opinions about everything – he is clear about the importance of killing all the animals in the forest, he said if his son is gay he wants him to have a deadly accident. So I don’t understand this wimpy three-way hedge. Is it possible he is not well?'

However, opposition leader Luiz Inacio de Silva commented favourably on Bolsonaro’s announcement, saying: 'Some people think he is a bit of a meatloaf, but he’s got some good ideas. Two out of three ain’t bad.'

hat tip Titus

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Bolsonaro chronic hiccups is just his soul trying to escape

Reports that the Brazilian President is in hospital for hiccups, have been confused with the fact, that what little remains of his good conscience is leaving by the nearest available exit. Frustrated by residing in the body of crypto fascist, his remaining scruples were hoping to jump into the body of someone more kindly – like Ted Bundy.

Bolsonaro has been unable to stop hiccupping for the past ten days and has been unable to feel compassion for the last sixty years. The last twinge of guilt he experienced was when a talking cricket leapt on his shoulder to offer him moral advice, after which Bolsonaro demanded that his guards shoot the creature in the back of the head.

In fact, he is the first politician whose hiccups have lasted longer than his commitment to the environment. The President warned his soul that it would only leave over his dead body, to which the soul replied: ‘That was kind of the point’.