Michael Gove proclaims himself Baronet of Birmingham

Michael Gove is riding to the rescue of the bankrupt Birmingham City Council, arriving in the city centre on a magnificent white stallion. He then attempted a stirring speech, but most of it was muffled by his ornate suit of medieval armour.

Gove apparently said 'Only more than a decade of savage Tory cuts to local government necessitates these kind of interventions, so... you're welcome. Anyway, I, Michael Gove, being of sound mind, despite being banned from several nightclubs in Aberdeen, am the Duke of Dudley, the Earl of Edgbaston and the Sultan of Solihull. I am Ozzy Osbourne and Tommy Shelby, staying at the Crossroads Motel.'

Gove is said to have 'responded positively' to the idea of riding his white horse through the streets of neighbouring Coventry, adding 'naked, I hope?' before winking at aides.

The stretch of HS2 from Birmingham to Manchester may not stretch that far

The stretch of HS2 from Birmingham to Manchester is in doubt today as the government refuses to stretch to a confirmation that it will stretch as far as Manchester.

Opposition figures criticised the government for stretching the truth when they announced last year that it would stretch all the way and not be cut back.

"It's stretching credulity to think that in these hard times, at a stretch, they aren't considering cuts" said a spokesman.

We can confirm that in the creation of this article we did not use a stretched limo, but we did stretch a point until it had to be carried off on a stretcher.

Image: whitebeard Photos | FreeImages

Manchester launches takeover bid for Birmingham

Manchester City Council has launched a takeover bid for ‘bankrupt’ Birmingham City Council. Describing the terms as “generous”, the North Western city has offered to keep some parts of its competitor open, saving up to 30 jobs.

'As Britain’s second city, not to mention first city for football, we are ready to lend a helping hand to our poorer and less successful cousins in the Midlands,' smirked a Manchester local government worker, speaking on condition of anonymity and that we buy her another pint. 'We’d be delighted to welcome them in to our fold under the new brand name of South East Stockport.'

'Fucking Mancs,' responded someone at a bus stop near Birmingham Town Hall, that we’ll take as a spokesperson for the Council. 'As Britain’s real second city, we’re ready to offer our raised finger to our swaggering cousins in that Oasis-ridden dump on the road to Blackpool. Our bin men could batter them any day. Don’t mention the football.'

Meanwhile, council employees and citizens of the Midlands metropolis congregated in the city centre, some appealing for government aid, some for a donation from Ozzy Osbourne, and others praying for the ghost of Trevor Francis to descend and save them. However, the administrators in Whitehall have yet to take any action, beyond commenting that they were "already bored of this ghastly provincial business”.

Photo by Orry Verducci on Unsplash