Richmond, Yorkshire to get extra bin collections in week 27

Residents in Richmond have been told to expect extra bin collections in the week the election is to be held. A member of the council told Newsbiscuit this was not going to put extra strain on council finances as it was being paid for by central government.

Opposition parties and Commie journalists are claiming this is an obvious bribe to take votes away from Labour and the Lib Dems, however our political correspondent has pointed out that Count Binface always stands in the seat occupied by the Prime Minister, so if that bin gets emptied, Sunak may win the few votes he needs that Binface would take from him and be able to cling on.

image from pixabay

Anger as French waste contractors announce plans to introduce annual collection schedule

NewsBiscuit understands that from next year collection of household waste by private contractors will change from fortnightly to annually.

Henri Lanois, CEO of France based waste management firm, Merde, told BBC: ‘Since ze councils sell off waste disposal to City wide-boys who then sell it to us, our raison d'etre is to make money for our investors. It is privatisation in action, non? Shareholders make a fortune and ze public suffers. As we say en France… pfft, c’est la vie, mon ami.

'And even if some previously conquered diseases reappear as a result it will be a small price to pay. Anyway, 'aven't you British got ze antibiotics these days. So... pas de problem.'

Photo by Kenny Eliason on Unsplash

Seven deadly bins – Sunak to save the day

Sunak was a Dick. A Private Dick – and also a Public Dick. The film noir rain lashed his office window in moody black and white. He looked at a picture of his wife and thought 'There's a dame whose share portfolio benefits from government policy'.

The red string and drawing pins all led to one place - but where? He looked at his glass of Diet Coke – his seventh of the day – and hurled it at the wall in frustration.

'Pride, greed, wrath, envy, lust, gluttony and sloth. But you need all of those to be a Tory MP' he thought to himself. 'Doc, Grumpy, Happy, Sleepy, Bashful, Sneezy and Dopey are already in the Cabinet. Seven Samurai? Seven days of the week? Seven weeks of Liz Truss as PM?'

'My god… it can't be. It's the bins! I must save the people before they have to buy insulation.'

Sunak has pledged that if he finds Gwyneth Paltrow's severed head in a box, he won't shoot Kevin Spacey, but instead he will put it in the brown organic bin that goes out on alternate Wednesdays, as long as the moon is in Aquarius. Otherwise he'd have to pay a meat tax. And without the rest of her body, Paltrow might not count as a compulsory car sharing companion.

'Why are my hands so heavy?' he wailed.