US billionaires to FINALLY get a break

America’s most oppressed minority – billionaires – have expressed relief that the current Commie hellscape is drawing to a close.

‘You wouldn’t believe how much tax I paid on my last moon base’, one billionaire told us. ‘I’m working night and day to put America on the map yet every gallon of space-grade rocket fuel carries more than a cent in tax. Doesn’t Biden WANT greatness?’

Donald Trump has promised to liberate America’s wealthy from the shackles of socialism. Private sex islands will now be tax-free, penis enlargement kits and fake tan dispensers will be provided from federal reserves and ‘people ownership’ will once more drive America’s industrial strength.

Presidential Hanger-On Elon Musk, and some other bloke nobody has heard of, will job share the role of making government more efficient by sacking all the people in it (except themselves). This will have the benefit of eliminating the Department of Education, which is kryptonite for billionaires. No date has been set for the book-burnings.

Picture credit: Wix AI

Editors note: Efficiency is improved if, for example, you can get more output from the same input, or the same output from reduced input. Sacking everyone, as referenced in the piece above, should certainly reduce input costs, but the effect on outputs might be harder to predict. Don't try to divide zero by zero, you'll upset the mathematicians. That's as far as we go on economics. If you want to know more, try WackyPedia.

Rachel Reeves says Wicked Witch had to make 'tough decisions'

The Chancellor said that the Witch was much maligned, and was working within specific financial constraints when she tried to kill Dorothy. Her spokeswoman explained: 'The fact is, the Wizard of Oz left significant debts, having insisted in making his city out of Emerald rather than bricks'.

Cutting off winter fuel payments to the citizens of Oz and privatizing the yellow brick road, were prudent decisions, Reeves insisted. Yes, she could have chosen to tax the ruling billionaire witch-class but they are wealth creators, unlike the gullible munchkins who voted them in. No, it was much fairer for her to wear the ruby slippers, rather than sell them off to lift the two-child cap.

Waving her broomstick Reeves cast a spell of Austerity over the land and threatened to send her winged monkeys after any protestors. Asked if she also planned to freeze disability payments, specifically for the blind. 'I'll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too!'

image from pixabay

Multi-billionaire reveals the secret of his success

In an exclusive interview with Dick Scratcher, the multi-billionaire property magnate said to be extorting his tenants during the current cost of living crisis, we learned how someone who admits he “was never going to stand an effin' chance” of going to university was able to fare far better than if he had been able to. Scratcher is an interesting character who claims that he'd still be in the dole queue if it hadn't been for Margaret Thatcher. “When Thatcher gave us the opportunity to buy our council flat, I could see how it was the chance I needed to change my life. I was shagging a bird who worked in the council office and when she got herself pregnant, suggested the only way we'd be able to house the kid would be if we could buy my mum's flat. So we broke in the council offices and she fiddled the figures to value the flat at 10p and it all went through. Anyway as soon as my mum owned it, I had her transfer ownership to me, so I could flog it; and with the money we bought a mobile chip van. I parked it outside a community centre where they held Weightwatchers meetings and within a month, made enough money to buy another. Six months later, we had chip vans outside every Weightwatchers and Slimmers World venue in Lancashire. We were doing a roaring trade, thinking about expanding the business model into Yorkshire, but then Blackpool TV had me in as a celebrity on their version of Who Do You Think You Are; and I found out who my father was. He turned out to be a Russian oligarch worth billions. I managed to make contact with him. We got on well and he ended writing to me to say he had put me in his will and would be leaving me all his wealth. As luck would have it, he fell out of a skyscraper the next day, so I let my mum have the chip vans, bought every available property in Britain and became a landlord. Thankfully, we have a Conservative government that fucks up every five minutes, so not only does my investment bring in above inflation increases in revenue every year they're in power, but it's as safe as rat infested dwellings. It's amazing what hard work can bring if you have the right attitude."

Bank Banking Banknote - Free photo on Pixabay - Pixabay

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