Guinness to be renamed “Biden”

Coinciding with the US President’s visit to Ireland, the brewers of Guinness made the surprise announcement today that their famous product is to be renamed “Biden”.

'We’d always thought that nothing symbolised Ireland quite like Guinness,' said a spokesman today. 'But we now realise that the Biden brand is far more authentically Irish than Guinness could ever be, and we’re seeking to capitalise on that.”

He admitted it was a cheap marketing ploy, 'But then so is Biden harping on about his Irish ancestry all the time, and ignoring the branch of his family that came from Sussex.

'I only wish we’d thought of it in time for St Bidey’s Day on 17th March.'

Other Irish brands were quick to follow suit, with leprechauns from now on being known as “the little Bidens”, shamrocks becoming “Bidenwort” (with the Latin name Bidenia plasticpaddyensis) and Martin McDonagh has announced that his next film will be called “The Bidens of Inishbiden”. Dublin’s Tourist Board said it had no plans to change the name to “Joe Biden City”, but only because they hadn’t thought of it.

A suggestion to rename the troubles “the Bidens” also met with broad support, on the grounds that it was Irish Americans who paid for them.

Responding to criticisms that Biden was perhaps in thrall to a clichéd version of Ireland rather than the modern country that actually exists, the White House issued a statement saying 'Bejaysus t’was a terrible business, to be sure and begorrah'.

Biden makes diplomatic gaffe in Dublin pub

President Biden attempted to order a Guiness cocktail in O'shaunessy's Irish pub yesterday and may have caused a diplomatic crisis, Newsbiscuit's Dublin reporter says. Hoping to be served a Black Russian, the President is said to have inadvertently asked for a "Black Commie Bastard".

The White House claims the barman probably misheard the President and blames the band for a playing a rousing rendition of The Patriot Game which had many of the pubgoers singing along to.

Having eventually been served his drink, the President thanked the pub for its hospitality and declined an invitation to stay until the fight started.

Biden sends military aid to Gettysburg

The US president signed-off on military aid to Union soldiers in 1865, newly discovered documents have shown. He also sent cannon to Lord Nelson to help tip the balance of power at the Battle of Trafalgar. Embarrassed Whitehouse staff admitted finding the batch of classified documents in the president's fridge, alongside his car keys and slippers. His dentures are still missing.