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Atheist duped again by religious element of 'Thought for the Day'



An avowed atheist has been duped for the 1561st day in a row by the religious component of Radio 4's short 'Thought for the Day', it has been confirmed.


'I started listening to this piece at 745am on GCSE results', said Mike McBride, 46. 'It was a really interesting commentary from Professor Miriam Da Costa of the Ethics Department of University College London, who pointed out that attainment levels had ebbed and flowed over the last 20 years, particularly during the pandemic'. 


'It highlighted some interesting differences in achievement for boys and girls, and for people living in different regions of the UK, and that for young people this was such an important day, when they are feeling judged, I thought, yeh, this is decent analysis, fair play Prof Da Costa.', continued McBride. 


'And then there it was, boom, completely out of nowhere', said an angry McBride. 'She pointed out that we all have our ups and downs, and that GCSE results are perhaps a metaphor for life, with that constant feeling of being measured, evaluated, and ultimately, isn't it a higher being who makes the final judgement on whether we have 'made the grade' through our earthly endeavours?'


McBride admitted that he had been similarly duped every single day for the last 5 years, by pieces starting seemingly innocently but then slotting in a cheeky faith-based message.


'Joe Biden stepping down as US President, a bird singing in the dawn chorus, Leicester winning the Premier league against all the odds, and some sodding athlete slipping off the end of the 10m high-dive board in the Olympics', listed McBride. 'They always end in exactly the same way. God moves in mysterious ways.' 


'Mr McBride is - perhaps rightly - a little annoyed at the feeling of having the wool pulled over his eyes by this radio segment', noted Reverend Peter Jones, a regular presenter of Thought for The Day. 'And don't we all just need an outlet sometimes to vent that frustration at the world.'


'Even Jesus himself reverted to overthrowing over the tables in a temple one time when he was annoyed. The temple was, if you like, the Roman equivalent of the occasionally amusing satirical website that Mr McBride is writing in, although perhaps funnier at times.....oh, who am I trying to kid.....'. 



Church releases new bible

A new cartoon bible has been produced and is expected to be available in good bookshops from next Wednesday, featuring Foghorn Leghorn and Miss Prissy taking the parts of Adam and Eve.


In a podcast interview with the Pope, that will be available to subscribers on the same day, an explanation of whether the egg or the hen came first and whether if Foghorn Leghorn had worn a condom, the time wasted considering this question, could have been more productively spent working out to make the wealthy wealthier.




Your Newsbiscuit guide to the Bible



God. Full of contradictions. Despite his being an omnipotent deity, his memoirs are ghostwritten all the way through from Genesis to Revelation. Officially "all-loving and all-merciful", he was nonetheless given to sporadic outbursts of homophobic rage (seeSodom and Gomorrah). He has since been diagnosed as bipolar.



Adam and Eve. Fancying himself as a fashion designer, God needed two people to model some fig-leaf leisurewear he'd been working on, so he made Adam and Eve. When asked what was the point of these outfits, he invented genitals.



Sodom and Gomorrah. The Las Vegas of the ancient Near East. When a man wanted a quickie divorce he would take his wife there for a weekend break and watch her turn into a pillar of salt.



Noah. The climate change sceptics made fun of him building his ark. But he and his family had the last laugh when everyone on the planet drowned except them. So we're all descended from one close-knit family committing incest with each other in a floating zoo.



Moses. Hebrew prophet and people-trafficker. He told the Israelite migrants they'd get asylum in the Promised Land by saying they were "fleeing from the Pharaoh". His parting-the-waters trick died with him, so his latter-day counterparts are obliged to use dinghies instead.



Jesus. "He didn't take after my side of the family", was all his father would say about him. According to most accounts he was crucified but periodically spotted alive at various locations later (see also Elvis). Others say he died of exhaustion trying to cope with his huge waiting list of hopeful corpses (see Lazarus).




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