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Updated Seven Deadly Sins from the King Trump Bible



As Trump is an angry, lazy, vain, greedy, adulterous, gluttonous fraudster, a new “interpretation” of the original (and best) sins was needed. By using an alternative theory on the separation of church and state as written in the US constitution, the current US Government has issued the all-new deadly sins list. So in at number seven, here we go!


  • Empathy – This is definitely a weakness and shows basic lack of alpha-ness and should never be attempted.

  • Critical Thinking – Believe something, find opinions online that support it. These are your facts. Do not falter or back down. To do otherwise is now a sin. This is your life now.

  • Awareness – Something is only bad if it is bad to you directly. You have a nice safe bubble that is always right, all other bubbles are wrong and dangerous. Only listen to voices in your echo chamber.

  • Diversity – If something is different from you and your views, it is wrong and scary. God said so.

  • Equity – You don’t need to know what this means, it is just the middle letter in an abbreviation you have been told to hate.

  • Inclusion – In the bible, those two Corinthians must have said this at some point, “Screw you, I got mine” and I think we can all agree that is a valuable lesson to live by.

  • Integrity – The white Jesus said, do what I say, not what I do. I can do what I want, and you must do what I want you to do. Hypocrisy is your shield and ignorance is your sword.

Second coming imminent says Washington



With the received wisdom in US Bible states being that Jesus will not come on earth a second time until all Palestinians have been driven from the Holy Land, President Trump is said to be racking up the pressure on Arab countries to take in Millions of dispossessed Palestinian refugees.


According to White House watchers, Trump has set up a new company to handle the second coming and has obtained licences for the sale and resale of all Jesus themed memorabilia, with five factories, four in China and one in Vietnam , on standby to produce JC 4Trump T shirts, hats and giant foam hands. According to JD Vance, this gig could be bigger than Taylor Swift.


As yet another thank you. Trump has granted Elon Musk the hot dog and unleavened bread franchise for all events and gatherings.


Trump has ordered staff to have Air force one to be ready and fueled for takeoff as soon as the last Palestinian crosses the Egyptian border and has said he will put the aircraft at Jesus disposal for his entire stay.


A draft itinerary has Jesus arriving in Washington, perhaps staying a couple of nights with Trump and his family, maybe getting in a couple of rounds of Golf and generally chilling after what was in all probability a tiring decent from heaven . Exact arrangements can’t be put into place until White House staffs have has a chance to discuss everything with Jesus and his people.


Whilst the mood in the US is buoyant with church services being held up and down the country, not everyone is entirely happy. Some critics are pointing out that the last time Jesus was on earth, things didn’t exactly go smoothly. Many in the Israeli Cabinet are worried that Jesus might ask to see the books and with numerous cases of fraud being levelled at Netanyahu, things might turn nasty very quickly. Many Jews remember the stories of Jesus physically attacking money lenders in the temple and fear a repetition ,particularly if Jesus has been making his own wine again and has had a few too many. In response, many are saying the temple and money lender stories were purely a sop to keep the masses quiet and point to the fact that the catholic church, one of the richest institutions on earth are big Jesus fans, don’t see a problem and are ready to do a deal with Jesus for his cut.


Everyone has been warned, whatever happens, don’t mention the Crucifixion.


image from pixabay



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