Probe into false Amazon reviews, given six stars

Regulators have been analysing reviews on Amazon to determine whether the internet giant is allowing false product claims to exist on its website or is just avoiding paying any tax. ‘We found that Amazon did a fair job – five stars,’ said one (verified) investigator. ‘Too good to be true – five stars and thanks for the bonus’ said another.

The EU has been checking into the financial affairs of Amazon for some time. ‘Cheeky, unorthodox, great Tesla btw,’ was the final report headline.

Bezos overtaken on rich list by roadside Strawberry Seller

Janet McGinty (57) has been catapulted to one of the world’s most wealthy, by selling her third punnet of strawberries in a week. While Jeff Bezos’ Amazon employs hundreds of thousands and turns a profit $10,000 a second, selling fruit out of a van is more effective and can done from sitting in a deckchair.

Many have questioned the validity of a business model which involves someone snoozing in a layby for ten hours. Janet explained: ‘First we pay someone to pick, package and transport the strawberries, so our overheads work out at about £5 a box. I then sell them on at 50p a punnet, making a profit of £27,7344,222 per strawberry’,

Economists refer to this as the ‘Strawberry Paradox’, where a seemingly loss-making venture generates insane levels of profitability – a little bit like James Corden’s career. Likewise, experts in food retail have long known that people are uneasy going to a supermarket, they would much rather buy food from an unlicensed individual in a darkened layby; particularly if the seller has an eyepatch and love/hate tattooed on their knuckles.

Janet spoke of her success: ‘I used to sell lucky heather but that barely covered the cost of my third home in Monaco. But selling fresh strawberries has been a gold mine. Thank goodness, this is something I can do all year round’.

Bear shitting in wood reveals rich don't pay tax

A leak that Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk have not been paying tax, has rocked the world of those easily surprised and who questioned if the Pope was Catholic. To the amazement of some, the filthy rich stay rich (and filthy) by not paying for anything and Dolly Parton sleeps on her back.

Said one bewildered individual: ‘This is a revelation. No one could have seen this coming, just like a Boris Johnson infidelity, the sun rising or Tottenham Hotspurs choking at the last minute. Next you’ll be telling me that the Kennedys are gun shy’.

Those who follow the ‘no shit sherlock’ school of economics, will understand that money, like Velcro, sticks to its own. Others, for whom this has been a bombshell, will really freak out when they hear that Fedoras never look good, cotton candy is not made from cotton and Matt Hancock has sh$t for brains.

Naturally, the FBI are worried about the legality of the leak, not the illegality of billionaires. An Officer explained: ‘We’re not surprised that global elites are committing crime, but neither should you be surprised that we work for them’.