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Nathanadler
Jul 14

Concern as Southgate captured betting on date of England Euro exit

Another betting scandal has rocked the U.K as footage of, what appears to be, Gareth Southgate placing several bets on the date England will fail in their 2024 Euro bid. The footage has divided opinion with some commentators suggested it's a potential conflict of interest, whereas others are looking forward to Southgate finally winning something tangible. 


When approached for comment, Southgate refuted the allegations "After all the kindness England supporters have shown me these last few weeks, it's very hurtful that people would suspect someone who looks, speaks and has the same account details as me as being me, placing a bet against England."


Whilst Southgate acknowledged the tournament had a shaky start, he never lost respect for the fans "The sheer dedication it must have taken to write that many death threats and abusive Facebook posts in such a short period of time just really shows the fan's passion for the game, it's touching, really."


"Receiving such pointed feedback about logistics of running an national football team of pro-level athletes from people who get out of breath walking to the fridge has been truly invaluable. But even with all that good humoured feedback, I just have a feeling that England's bid will end in failure this coming Sunday."


At press time, Southgate was seen lacing the starting 11's drinking bottles with a mystery substance, muttering "Looks like someone beat me to it." when approaching Harry Kane's.




Writer's pictureSteveb
Jul 11

Suspicious spike in betting on pundits saying 'England will grow into the tournament'

Without a single shred of evidence, football commentators and pundits are still saying that the England team will 'grow into' the European football finals. Unable to find reasonable odds elsewhere, it is believed that seasoned gamblers in the mould of Ivan Toney are responsible for a huge uptick in bets on how many times Alan Shearer will repeat this nonsensical mouth ejaculation.


'I completely understand that pre-match build up has to create intrigue and jeopardy,' said a Dutchman. 'But there's a limit to suspended disbelief. And indeed the number of goals Oranjie can slot in the opening 30 seconds of the match.


'Shearer should slip the restraints of diamond formation commentary and pivot to "It's the sign of true champions when they can play like dogsh*t and still win". I tell you, a bet on him saying that phrase would earn odds of 66/1, and it's almost a dead cert when England trudge off the pitch 4-0 down at half time.


'You have a team of great players. The skill and consistency they have shown at club level is undoubted. It takes extraordinary discipline to conceal all of that ability for an entire tournament.'




eppursimuove
Jun 26

Tories betting on what will happen to Tories found guilty of betting on election date



A further scandal engulfed the Tories today, when it was revealed that some Tories have been betting on the fate of the Tories caught betting on the election date.


The scandal came to light when Rishi Sunak announced that the party would “withdraw support” from them, but not expel them or ban them from standing as Tory candidates. Someone in the crowd is said to have yelled “Yes!!! Pay up, losers!” He was then seen to pocket wads of cash given to him by irritated colleagues, one of them muttering that he was sure Sunak would do nothing at all.


”This is quite appalling,” said a senior Tory. “That the party of Churchill and Macmillan should have descended to this sort of grubby behaviour. We need a full enquiry to establish the facts.”


He then immediately opened a book on who would lead the enquiry and which boardroom it would be based in. 


It’s not known what will happen if the “unsupported” MPs nevertheless retain their seats in Parliament. One possibility is they’ll be made to sit on a special green bench reserved for “oiks”, and the other Tory MPs won’t invite them along next time they go out to trash a restaurant.




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