Lineker suspended by BBC amid rumours of crisps and savoury snacks addiction

Football anchorman, Gary Lineker, is reported to have been suspended by the BBC, amid widespread rumours he has a potato crisp and savoury snack addiction.

Last night the corporation released a statement saying the star is currently on leave and that they are unable to confirm exactly when, or indeed if, he will be back on our screens.

Friends and colleagues alike are said to be relieved that the news is out. Alan Shearer told reporters: 'Lately, it's been awful. He can hardly get into his chair without at least three or four jumbo bags of Tyrrell's inside him, and that's just the start of it.

'During live matches, he sometimes never even bothers watching the game. He just spends the entire time wolfing down bag after bag of whatever he can lay his hands on and gets a production assistant to write him up some match notes for the autocue.'

Pundit, Jermaine Jenas, added: 'At first it was only the good gear like Walkers, M&S and Kettle Chips, but recently he's met a lad who works in a cash and carry who can supply him with hundreds of those cheap 20p bags sold in corner shops.

'That's really worrying as he can't be sure what he's putting in his body. But I've seen him polish off an entire box of 48 just in the space of one match. It's harrowing to watch.'

Meanwhile, as concerns grow for the former footballing legend, the hashtag #PrayForGaryLineker is trending across social media.

British TV British Legally British Required to be British

The commie, pinko, Britain-hating BBC will now be legally required to produce ‘distinctively British’ programmes, like Only Fools and Horses and Fleabag, though, mysteriously, not like Luther and I May Destroy You. The BBC itself will rebrand as the Great British Broadcasting Corporation. Channel 4 will become the Great British Bake Off Broadcasting Corporation.

Every hour, all BBC channels will show the Queen, armed forces and fluttering Union Jacks, as Jerusalem, Rule Britannia and the national anthem play. The images will be intercut with a smiling, omniscient Boris Johnson looking statesmanlike, or at least having had a haircut.

New shows will include ‘Snowflake Melting with Jim Davidson and Laurence Fox’, a nightly hour-long show, with guests who self-identify as cancelled by the liberal elite. They will talk, on air, about how they never get on air because PC has gone mad. A tearful John Virgo will be forced to play snooker as Davidson makes increasingly dubious remarks about the differently coloured snooker balls.

Also new, a lavish 26-part documentary, adapted from Boris Johnson’s Churchill biography, with the royalties helping Johnson to pay for his next divorce.

BBC News 24 will rebrand as GB News, with presenters wearing poppies all year round. Those with regional accents or from ethnic minorities will be limited to local news and sport.

Gary Grimthwaite said ‘I’m English and I find these changes soothe my unfounded, borderline nonsensical fears. I mean Strictly Come Dancing is presented by two women. Women! What’s next, sharia law? I blame the Germans.’

Children’s TV looks set to be unaffected, as one parent noted ‘If you come for CBeebies, we will kill you and make it look like an accident.’

Prince Andrew appointed trade envoy to Love Island

Liz Truss insisted that Andrew could bring a wealth of experience about private islands, inappropriate love and pizza related alibis. One aide commented: ‘They both seemed so excited, we didn’t have the heart to tell them that Love Island is not a real country’.

Prince Andrew is said to have been ready to leave in an instant, having had his bags packed for a hasty exit months ago. He did insist that his new role would be covered by diplomatic immunity, anonymity on Tinder and an untraceable Search History.

Meanwhile, the International Trade Secretary has made her mark by appointing a string of inappropriate envoys; including Oliver Cromwell to Ireland, Henry V to France and Kate Hoey to anywhere. Many have sarcastically commented that Truss was just pulling names out of a hat, while her aide explained: ‘It’s not that that strategic’.

Andrew will be solely responsible for the import and export of love to the UK, with his primary focus on emerging markets – ‘nothing too old’ he demanded. Unlike other Royals who have been accused of not working hard, Andrew promised to be very hands on.

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