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BBC sends Gregg Wallace to Gaza

In the wake of report which criticised the BBC for broadcasting a documentary about Gaza, and for its handling of allegations against the Masterchef presenter, it has decided to kill two birds with one stone by sending Gregg Wallace to Gaza.


”Never again will they be able to say we didn’t investigate the background of the person presenting the documentary,” said a suit today. “In this case, we knew with 100% certainty he was someone we wanted to put in harm’s way as soon as possible.”


Wallace’s first report from the war-torn region consisted of the chirpy slaphead commenting “Blimey, there’s not much grub about… I fought you lot was all into falafels or kebabs or summink?”


He then stumbled onto a food distribution point thought to be used as a killzone by the IDF, though the BBC were at pains to stress they only have Hamas’s word for that, unless you count hundreds of hours of footage of starving Palestinians being shot.


Wallace’s bodycam went dark soon after that, his microphone picking up last words that seemed to be something to do with his aunt’s fanny.


Meanwhile his Masterchef co-presenter John Torode was in trouble for a message he sent Wallace encouraging him not to let the “ragheads” get him down.



BBC acted swiftly and decisively to suspend presenter within months



BBC Director General and independent unbiased bastion of Conservative moral fibre, Tim Davie, sprang into action the moment a couple of months had passed. Then, and only then, after it seemed inevitable that covering up for a presenter buying explicit pictures off a teen would be busted wide open.


'From the minute management was aware, Mr Davie protected the presenter like he was one of his own,' said a BBC presenter not currently under investigation for child sexual exploitation. 'Not one of his own children, one of his own Conservative Party sex predator chums. Because they are more important than anyone else and need looking after to a greater extent than young people left in harm's way for unnecessarily extended periods.


'We're really lucky to have Tim, because he instinctively knew what was right, and knew what to do. Ignore the whole thing, and see if it went away all by itself. It's only from years of experience knocking about with Tory perverts and criminals that one would have this reflexive reaction.


'Because of his untimely inaction, an already famous presenter will be catapulted to national notoriety anyway. But also now with an inexplicable and indefensible delay included. That's just the sort of head-shaking debacle which will earn both of them an automatic life peerage gifted by senior Conservatives.


'One would expect that the presenter will be promoted to the recently vacated role of BBC Chairman and Chief Loan Fixer for Boris Johnson. And if he plays his cards right with a string of other disgraceful scandals, this presenter chap could make Prime Minister before the next election.'



First published 11 Jul 2023



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