top of page
Search
The Metropolitan Police spokesperson confirmed: ‘Dame Cressida oversaw a regime of misogyny, discrimination and sex harassment – but sadly all good things have to come to an end. The Prime Minister would like to put on record his thanks to her, for covering up his record and keeping schtum about Jack the Ripper.
‘Sadly, while in police custody, she is said to have repeatedly fallen down a staircase. No witnesses were on hand to see her do it, but she was later found hanging in her cell, next to a full confession for the murders of JFK, Tupac Shakur and BBC Light Entertainment’.
First published 12 Feb 2022
If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?
 |  |  |  |
A top producer working on popular ‘stab in the back’ mainstream entertainment show has sensationally quit the programme and joined ITV. He left unannounced 24 hours after signing a new contract with the BBC to continue working on the show ‘forever.’ He reportedly signed the contract in blood and wept emotionally. Medical lawyers are now working on lab tests to establish whose blood it was, with observers said to believe it was his sleeping wife’s.
According to colleagues, the producer has a history of erratic fealty. A best friend at school said his school years were ruined when the supposed buddy exited the school gates with his arms round the bully who had tormented him for 5 years. ‘My ‘friend’ just winked and said, ‘Thanks for all that pocket money.’ To this day I still have trouble trusting pocket money’
The producer’s first wife also relayed stories of treachery. ‘He married me on the anniversary of the Molotov-Ribbentrop pact. That always stuck with me.’ She said he then filed for divorce on the anniversary of Lord Haw Haw’s first broadcast from Berlin. Finally, she blames herself. ‘I should have known not to marry a man called Salvatore Tessio.’
Like horror movie The Exorcist, which was hit with a raft of supernatural incidents during filming, The Traitors has, in like manner, suffered all kinds of personal cheating events. A general lack of trust pervades the sets and staff refuse to give up personal information, including their eye colour. ‘Everyone wears lenses which change colour at random in case the tea ladies are using facial recognition software to empty our middle class bank accounts.’ We contacted a BBC representative for comment and he is now in a relationship with my partner.
bottom of page