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‘Everybody to be honoured for doing the job they are paid to do' says Government



‘Everybody to be honoured for doing the job they are paid to do' says Government.


Following the Queen’s decision to honour the Duke of Edinburgh’s most loyal and trusted aides for doing the job they are paid to do, the Government has decided to make similar awards to everybody in the UK who finds themselves in gainful employment.


Government sources say that now we are no longer bound by repressive EU regulations the UK can finally give a big thank you to everybody who receives a salary or an income as a result of doing the job they are contracted to do. The awards will be across the board (not just the boardroom) and will cover all aspects of work, regardless of rank, reputation or job importance.


People in IT will receive the CVO for turning up for work while ancillary workers will be awarded the LVO for simply doing what they are expected to do. Those employed in the service sector will be made Knight Bachelors and tradesmen in the construction industry will receive the The Most Distinguished Order of St Michael and St George.


Sports men and women will receive The Most Nobel Order of the Garter while those self employed - such as hairdressers and door supervisors - not currently covered by the proposed honours system will automatically become dames and knights. Even sex workers (both sexes) will be recognised for the valuable contribution they make to society and will become Companions of the Order of the Bath (CB). Drag artists such as Baga Chipz and Sassi Afrika - although already ‘made up’ - will be made up even further with the much coveted Order of Merit.


‘The UK has a long history of giving idiotic awards and puffed-up titles to specially selected people to make them appear superior to the rest of us….but Brexit now means we can go one step further and give these utterly meaningless titles to everybody and make us all sound like complete and utter twats’ said witless Tory MP Piers Knightley-Gordon. ‘The next step is to give everybody an idiotic double-barrelled name just like mine.

Who wouldn’t want their plumber to be called Kevin Bates-Timpson or the girls down at the nail salon to be referred to as The Right Honourable Lady.


'It adds a touch of class'.


First published 1 April 2022




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New series of The Repair Shop to not include broken artefacts



As viewers brace themselves for the new series of the popular BBC programme 'The Repair Shop', complete with mugs of tea, Hob-Nobs and a new pack of Kleenex the BBC is warning them that series 12 is going to have a new look and feel. 'We've spent the last eleven series repairing broken artefacts, using heritage skills and painstaking close up shots of complex, filthy objects being methodically cleaned using an earbud dipped in spit, before dropping the same items in a tub of paraffin when off-camera,' said a BBC spokesman today, adding that the broken artefact was supported by a tear-jerking backstory.


'We think we've effectively repaired all the worthwhile tat,' continued the spokesman, 'and this season we've decided to just ignore it. In the first episode we were planning to renovate a 1990s stapler used by someone's granny before she got Alzheimer's, a broken coat hook from a farmhouse kitchen that was remodelled four years ago and is the the only original part that Wren Kitchens left when they danced out of the new, thoroughly modern kitchen and a broken mug with "best dad in the world" on it. We thought "fuck it", the viewers only want to hear the back-story anyway so we've sacked Jay, Steve, Kirsten and the rest, bought a new stapler from W H Smith, a new mug off eBay and thrown the coat hook in the bin.


'In the second episode we're looking at a broken Britain so we've burned the Brexit Withdrawal legislation, re-established all the EU laws and called a General Election. Well, we did say we were getting rid of all the tat,' he said.


Author: NBP


First published 24 March 2023





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