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Banking reforms mean cocaine and strippers are back



A City Trader snorted a line of cocaine from a stripper's cleavage before noting that having a former hedge fund manager as PM meant financial deregulation was inevitable.


'Rishi is removing protections designed to prevent a repeat of the 2008 financial crisis so that we can learn nothing and do it again. Yay! The City of London is like The Purge now and we know the government will bail us out with zero consequences. Well, zero consequences for us. By the time we've siphoned off our cut to the Cayman Islands - tax free obvs - there will be nothing for public services for you plebs. I've always thought there were too many public libraries and social care was too well funded anyway. Plus Rishi can make sure whatever scraps we leave only go to the most affluent areas. He said so himself, in public, on camera. Ha ha. Legend.'




First published 14 Dec 2022


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CTO Proposing Government Automation Replaced by Automation



In an ironic twist, Monzo Bank today took the decision to replace their CTO Lolly Dinero with an automated system following the publication of her proposal to automate areas of the government.


'Her justification was clear and concise,' Said CEO Isa Rate. 'She showed clearly that many government decisions could be solved by an algorithm and the majority of communication came in one of five categories. When we got AI to analyse her conclusions, the parallels between this and her job were evident, so we decided to practice what we preach and made her redundant.'


Speaking outside the bank's headquarters in London while holding a box of her worldly possessions, Ms Dinero was philosophical about the outcome, telling us, 'I suppose I should have seen it coming. We've got rid of people at the bottom thanks to things like online banking, it was only a matter of time until it bit at the top of the organisation. I'm sure my digital successor will do the job well, though I have no idea how they'll make decisions without my magic 8-ball.'


When asked what the future held, she replied, 'I'll be ok, I'm going to try my hand at a few things that are safe from the expanding remit of AI. I've always fancied writing a book or taking up art.'



‘Nigel Day’ to be commemorated throughout the Empire



Following his heroic defence of the rights of the ordinary man against the banking sector, statues of Nigel Farage have started spontaneously appearing across the former British Empire.


‘Look at those thighs, he’s like a Greek god’ said Nadia, a housewife in Harare. ‘I wish he would come to Mumbai and take on our banks’ said Raj, a civil servant. ‘The man can do no wrong’.


The BBC are considering launching Channel Nigel, a light entertainment channel featuring re-runs of Love Thy Neighbour and Enoch Powell’s greatest speeches. ‘If he has his own channel we can probably stop making every news broadcast about Coutts bank’, a spokesman said. ‘But we won’t. It’s such a wonderful story’.


Fans of Nigel (not to be confused with Friends of Dorothy – very different demographic) have demanded the summary execution of the Coutts’ senior management team, which the bank says it is ‘considering’.


‘The tide’s turning’, said Reg, a local racist. ‘Thank God we’ve dealt with Coutts Bank. I thought the small boats were the nation’s number 1 challenge – just goes to show’. Reg, who lives just below the poverty line, watches GB News every day for updates on his hero's next challenge. 'I hope it's the you-know-whos'. Reg winked conspiratorially, before mouthing a string of racial slurs.


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