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Incredible and emotional scenes today across the UK as the Bank of England announced that the base interest rate would stay at 5.25%. Barely, as a clearly emotional Andrew Bailey, the Bank of England Governor, finished his sentence announcing the rate, loud cheers and beeping of horns could be heard across the country. Mr Bailey looked into the camera after the announcement and openly wept saying, "we did it guys, we only went and did it".


It was announced that schools were to be closed for the rest of the day and for tomorrow and a National Celebration called for. Rishi Sunak and Keir Starmer crossed the floor of Parliament and warmly embraced after which the speaker threw his ceremonial gavel in the air and shouted, "let's go to the pub!!". There was a loud cheer and MPs spilled out on to the Westminster roads in scenes reminiscent of Fame, The Movie. Nigel Farage helped shocked immigrants from their boats on a Dover beach saying, "come on in, there's plenty for everyone now. Haven't you heard, it's stable at 5.25%". Police Officers stopped no one and searched no one, they simply smiled at passers by.


Reports are coming in of food banks closing by the dozens. The homeless are purposefully striding into Banks where they were met by staff giving out mortgages. The High Streets are awash with people stocking up for this most bountiful of Christmases.


5.25% is being seen as a Christmas miracle.


Photo by Alicja Ziajowska on Unsplash


The government has taken the decision to open their Pandora's Box of Greed again, and let Satan's little helpers run riot. Said one starving child: 'They've been struggling to get by on shop brand champagne. I don't know how they coped.'


Left to their own devices bankers have all the self-control of a fox in a KFC. One bemused homeless individual quipped. 'You mean those multi-million pound contracts, were them showing restraint?!?'


An economist explained: 'It's all part of the financial cycle. Bonuses, followed by the collapse of civilization. We bail them out. Then we give them a bonus to try again. It's complicated. Not everyone gets it. I could show you diagrammatically, but it would just be a picture of you being repeatedly rogered with a bollard.'


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