Bank of England raises concerns UK economy may have 'disappeared'

The UK is facing an uncertain future today as it appears possible that the UK economy has simply vanished. Financial experts at The Treasury, whose job is to monitor the flows of money into and around the UK, have reported this unprecedented event.

"The economy has gone" said a source who did not want to be named. "Its just not there". If true, the UK is the first developed nation to face this potentially catastrophic scenario.

"I don't know what we will do" said the source "How can we continue to borrow money on the international markets if this gets out? I mean, we have known for decades that the remnants of manufacturing industry have been replaced by industrial museums supported by tourism, and the services we sell abroad were mainly based on Top Of The Pops, but most of us assumed there was still a bit of an engine somewhere, to keep things ticking over"

No 10 has been rumoured to be putting out feelers to see if a transplant economy can be sourced from somewhere in the near future. One option on the table is to transplant the Ukrainian economy to the UK, in the unfortunate event that Russia prevails in its attempt to subdue the entire country.

Another possibility is that the EU would lend us a bit of their economy for an interim period, although this can only be a temporary measure given the EU's policy of a level playing field. A third, less likely possibility is that they could ask Northerners to roll their sleeves up, put their thinking caps on and get stuck in all over again, although this is regarded as a difficult option as it would require Southerners to get out of t'road.

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Conservative economics 101

While many are critical of the current party in power regarding the handling of the National economy, it is likely that most of the detractors are unaware of the parallel universe economics that are at play.

Take inflation, the measure of how rapidly costs are rising.  In standard economics inflation is strictly a derivative, a measure of the rate of change of value.  In Tory economics the definition depends on whether the rate of inflation is 'good' or 'bad'.  For example, inflation rising at 11% or so is obviously bad by any measure, but in Tory economics this is not only bad but not their fault - they don't control the external factors causing inflation such as war in Ukraine, price gouging by energy firms supporting the Tory party or by Brexit.  Ultimately it is the fault of the Bank of England that inflation is so high.

'Good' inflation, which is any fractional part of 'bad' inflation such as 6.5% (half), or 3.25% (quarter) or 2% (gnat's cock) is clearly thanks to the government who legally have no control over the Bank of England, but is obviously due to the price gouging energy firms gouging less thanks to the Tories, the war in Ukraine (and Gaza and several other places too mundane to mention) and of course, for unspecified reasons, due to Brexit. 

In the real universe the 6.5% and 3.25% are also bad, but in Tory economics these numbers prove prices are going down, which in the real world requires something real economists call deflation.  In real economics they indicate prices are still rising, but slower; in Tory economics deflation is bad for Tory donors, banks and hot air balloons.  It's also bad for those who actually have any residual cash not destroyed by the 11% inflation, but never acknowledged in either universe, but good for those who actually have to pay for stuff out of their own pocket.  Or for those companies that need to make stuff it should be a good thing, but the accountants would disagree.

In the next lesson we'll discuss political gravity, where down is up and 19% in the polls is really a good thing.

Photo by Towfiqu barbhuiya on Unsplash

Entire UK united in ecstatic celebration as interest rate stays at 5.25%

Incredible and emotional scenes today across the UK as the Bank of England announced that the base interest rate would stay at 5.25%. Barely, as a clearly emotional Andrew Bailey, the Bank of England Governor, finished his sentence announcing the rate, loud cheers and beeping of horns could be heard across the country. Mr Bailey looked into the camera after the announcement and openly wept saying, "we did it guys, we only went and did it".

It was announced that schools were to be closed for the rest of the day and for tomorrow and a National Celebration called for. Rishi Sunak and Keir Starmer crossed the floor of Parliament and warmly embraced after which the speaker threw his ceremonial gavel in the air and shouted, "let's go to the pub!!". There was a loud cheer and MPs spilled out on to the Westminster roads in scenes reminiscent of Fame, The Movie. Nigel Farage helped shocked immigrants from their boats on a Dover beach saying, "come on in, there's plenty for everyone now. Haven't you heard, it's stable at 5.25%". Police Officers stopped no one and searched no one, they simply smiled at passers by.

Reports are coming in of food banks closing by the dozens. The homeless are purposefully striding into Banks where they were met by staff giving out mortgages. The High Streets are awash with people stocking up for this most bountiful of Christmases.

5.25% is being seen as a Christmas miracle.

Photo by Alicja Ziajowska on Unsplash