Nitrous oxide ban: no laughing matter

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PM to ban windmill cars

Rolling back in his pledge to phase out our reliance on petrol, Mr. Sunak said he would halt the manufacture of vehicles that ran on tidal power and fairy tears. Electric cars were unfeasible, as they relied too heavily on trance music, the migratory pattern of wild geese, and jam.

A spokeswoman said: 'There's no way electric cars can work, how can you get that many hamsters to spin the wheels? Also, how would you get your light switch to reach that far, hmmm?'

The only reliable fuel is dinosaur juice, anything else is the work of communists and unicycle manufacturers. 'If you ask me we should have got rid of the Shire horse. Oil may be sticky and unpleasant, but only electricity is Satan's jizz.'

Sunak to ban wasps after yet another attack

After yet another child was stung by a wasp in a supermarket car park, the Government has decided enough is enough. Wasp breeders have been told in no uncertain terms that, by the end of the year, all wasps are to be neutered or euthanised.

Pet shop owner, Steve Johnson, who had three wasps in his shop window, told Newsbiscuit, 'It’s not the fault of the wasps but the irresponsible owners who are the cause of the issue. We should be educating people about the good things wasps do, like eating aphids, not emphasising the stinging and the buzzing.'

Tiny PM, Rishi Sunak, was unavailable for comment, as even the mention of buzzing had forced him to retreat into hiding under his desk.