Burglar numbers falling. People urged to leave bacon fat in gardens

The Royal Society for the Protection of Burglars has urged people with garden sheds to leave out seed balls, lumps of lard, Rolex watches and widescreen TVs to help those light of finger survive the lean winter months. The number of burglars in the UK has fallen by 75% after a cold spell left them struggling to find open windows and empty houses. Robin Toerags and Great Tits could face extinction if temperatures continue to fall.

An RSPB spokesperson said:

‘Burglars rely heavily on the Christmas period to put on an some extra wonga. Sub-zero temperatures mean they are struggling to find items they can easily convert into cash or weed. We urge people to leave a window open so these beautiful little creatures can nick their stuff and shit on their duvets.’

There is some good news for House Martins and Dunnocks. These cheeky little scamps have adopted distraction techniques to get inside the homes of elderly people. Cute video clips of their hilarious antics can be viewed on YouTube.

You can help the RSBP in their important work by buying a wall chart that identifies offenders. You can also take practical steps to ensure they visit your garden on a regular basis. The RSPB has asked people to keep a close eye on their cats. ‘We’ll nick anything,’ the spokesperson said.

Bill Oddie refused to comment.

Smoke alarms on Space Station triggered by alien bacon

Concerns have been raised that Astronauts may have been sneakily eating evidence of life from other planets, specifically turning ET into a bacon butty. The International Space Station (ISS) has claimed smoke detectors were set off by faulty batteries but were unable to explain the smell of crispy bacon and the discarded alien clothing.

Rumours exist that First Contact with an alien race was disrupted, when the ISS crew discovered that this new race shared 99% of their DNA with pigs. Commented one astronaut: ‘They came in peace but they were so goddamn tasty!’

Being stuck on a space station with months of powdered food creates a certain hunger, a hunger that soon took over, when the inhabitants of Porcus V raised their trotters in friendship. Explained another astronaut, wiping ketchup from his chin: ‘They were saying something about discovery and knowledge but all I heard was the sound of sizzling’.

Image: Pixabay/JCK5D