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The European Court of Human Rights will steal then eat your babies

Before your beautiful bouncing British baby has fulfilled its Brexitatious destiny, the ECHR will kidnap it and then consume its flesh. Or worse, teach it a foreign language. That was confirmed by one ECHR ninja, who briefly stopped over-riding the will of the British people to say:


'Everything the Tory Spartans say is completely true and accurate and is in no way wildly proto-fascist. Parliamentary sovereignty is for pussies. Who needs the human rights afforded by the ECHR anyway? Nerds! I doubt you need a fair trial, you look a bit foreign - or should I say guilty.'


One Tory MP expressed disappointment that more Tory policies didn't break international law, grumbling 'The Tories are the party of law and order in the sense that we want to order civil servants to break the law. Wait... did someone say "parliamentary sovereignty"? Quickly! Activate Mark Francois!'


image from pixabay

Spike in cot sales as 'compassionate' anti-abortion victors welcome responsibilities




Republicans, vilifiers and hypocrites across all the states who consider reciting “footprints in the sand” a reliable form of contraception are demonstrating their commitment to ‘every life matters’ by opening their lives and McMansions to thousands of unwanted babies.


'It’s only right, drawled Ohio Senator’s wife Mindy Windfall, her arms full of Pottery Barn bassinets. 'Having forced millions of women into the physical and emotional distress of carrying babies they are in no position to raise to an unimaginably traumatic full term, we accept it’s our responsibility to care for them after that.


'I myself am hopin’ to be assigned some premature babies complete with prenatal drug dependency; possible severe developmental issues due to familial rape. I think that’ll be just peachy.'


Other charitable matrons from newly-formed women’s group ‘Republican Visionaries In Landmark Empathy’ (ReVILE) are already rolling up their couture sleeves and taking direct action in “invigorating” deprived neighbourhoods like Millington, Tennessee, and Wooster, Arkansas.


'It’s only fair we downsize some of our privilege to help women access a smidgeon of the education, resources, healthcare, respect, self-worth and agency we take for granted - gosh, that is quite a list, isn’t it?' pondered charity polo supremo Ginny Blueblood, delicately picking her way between bloodied syringes and lost hope. 'It’ll be tough, but my husband and I can probably manage with 25 rooms instead of 75. I think that kind of sacrifice will really help us empathise with these ladies’ situations.


'Sadly, Bob was called away to pick up his secretary. She’s devoted to him; confidentially, I think all those late-night meetings have given her that cute bit o' belly-fat. He says those couple of days away at the health farm have worked wonders. Originally it was conveniently just out of town, but due to administrative complications he had to take her over the border. Luckily there was a private airfield: the Good Lord provides.'



Image from Pixabay by MarkThomas


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