Tories accused of dithering over Boris

Conservative MPs have belatedly embraced the concept of social distancing, but only as far as the Prime Minister is concerned. 'I don't want to catch what he has,' pointed out one Conservative MP, 'I've a narrow majority to retain in two years' time.'

Many MPs want to see the back of Boris Johnson but are afraid of getting too close to sticking the knife in. 'You don't know where he's been,' suggested one MP. Another wore a mask, but only in the hope of not being recognised. 'As soon as we can get back to doing what we want with impunity, the better,' he said.

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Man campaigning for 'green leave' because he got a new house plant

Pressure is mounting on companies to offer employees' green leave' when they acquire a new house plant.

William Smith has led the campaign after he purchased a medium-sized succulent from Homebase. He has argued that the plant suffers from separation anxiety - turning a 'shade of green' and 'looking depressed' when he leaves for work each day.

'It's been very distressing for both me and her' (William explained the succulent identifies as female and has confirmed its pronouns are 'she/her'). 'I must meet her emotional requirements, which I simply cannot do if I'm sat behind a desk being expected to work. Adopting a house plant is a huge commitment, and my employer needs to respect that and give me six months paid leave immediately'.

William is also demanding 'retrospective paid green leave' for all the house plants he has previously purchased, yet received 'absolutely no time off at all for, meaning he wouldn't return to work until early 2029.

William's employers confirmed they are reviewing his request but did reference the generous paid parental leave they offer, which William turned down when his son was born last year.

Behavioural psychologist Suzie Mittens said this is not unusual behaviour since babies are notoriously a 'massive pain in the arse', unlike house plants. 'Lots of people are starting to realise they are much better off leaving their partner to spend months knee-deep in nappies and taking time off to look after essentially inanimate objects. That way, they can enjoy it without the inconvenience of a small human crying and shitting everywhere. I'm hoping to launch a campaign myself for time off to tend my sourdough next summer'.

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