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"Zadok the Priest" in line for Ivor Novello award



George Frideric Handel could win a prestigious songwriting award, a mere 296 years after the song was released.


The composer’s “Zadok the Priest”, written in 1727 for George IV’s coronation, has experienced a major resurgence in popularity, in the run up to Charles III’s coronation. It's now been shortlisted in the "most performed song" category at the Ivor Novello Awards, which celebrate outstanding writing and composition.


Government Minister for Antediluvian Nostalgia, Jacob Rees-Mogg, said, “I am delighted with such a choice which celebrates both British ingenuity and mercantile success”. However, this statement was later withdrawn when it was pointed out that Handel was a German immigrant and that the lyrics mentioned “Nathan the Prophet”, not “Profit”.


Attempts to contact Mr Handel’s ghost have been hampered by a shortage of Ouija boards, which have been commandeered by Government for the next round of the budget cycle.



British Gas still hopeful at the Utility of the Year awards




It's awards season, bitches. And there's no redder carpet than the Utility of the Year awards. Anyone who's anyone will waft in for the gala night at the Footcorn Exchange in Hull.


The Water Works will always get a sympathetic smile, and yet another 'running' gag from the compere which references Monopoly. Jim Davidson will also be present, but no one will be quite sure why. Let's be honest, though... have The WW really pumped enough toxic shit into our rivers this year to be in with an outside shot? Everyone else thinks not, tilting their heads, pouting, and condescendingly offering their pocket squares for the inevitable floods.


And, of course, that awkward moment when top cheeses from other utilities accidentally make eye contact with the painfully hopeful and wildly overoptimistic bellends at the British Gas table. Centrica, my arse - we know who you are.


What a year they've had, eh? How many exclusive London PR rinsing agencies have they cycled through this week alone? Things have gone so badly, the government will likely be punishing the lot of them with lifetime peerages.


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