£22bn blackhole caused by your Nan using the big light

Alexei Sayle once said: 'Austerity is the idea that the global financial crash of 2008 was caused by there being too many libraries in Wolverhampton.' Well, in 2024, Keir Starmer believes that the UK's deficit is primarily down to nurses and teachers being paid too much. His tight fiscal restraints mean his £3bn a year to Ukraine will be paid for by all of us using thrift stores and making our own candles.

Oddly enough, tax dodging corporations and frivolous forever-wars are not a drain on the public purse, but your Nan making herself a hot water bottle, is. A Treasury aide said: 'We believe in trickle down corruption. All of those evil CEOs will eventually need to buy new socks, and the money from that can fund the NHS.'

'So please, cut back on non-essentials, like food. We could easily end the two-child benefit cap, if everyone learnt to cut their own hair and share bath water. Don't forget a Nan isn't just for Christmas, she is for all year round. Although, once we cut the winter fuel payments, she won't get to Christmas.'

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'Thiiiings.... can only get wooorse' - Starmer requests D:Ream re-write

Merchant of gloom and man voted most likely to be mistaken for his own waxwork, Keir Starmer has requested that D:Ream's upbeat anthem, adopted by New Labour in 1997, have its lyrics tweaked to reflect the fiscal reality of 2024. 

Labour intern Jodie Johnston said 'The Tories lied so much that Labour are implementing Tory austerity policies in order to un-fuck the budget. That's instead of the Tories implementing Tory austerity policies, in order to fuck poor people. I'm so glad Labour won the election.' 

'Anyway, Keir is very sad about it, which is a human emotion, because he is definitely a human. He was talking a lot about the Tannhauser Gate and tears in the rain, but I'm sure that's nothing to worry about.' 

Cuts to 252 Tory MPs was only austerity Britain needed

Ousting 252 Conservative MPs from their positions was the only economic cut Britain needed to make.

Productivity is up immediately due to layabout Rees-Moggs now being required to 'work' from home. And without Thick Lizzy tapping off from the collective whiskey jar for herself, there are suddenly pretty pennies for every Jenny.

'Funding four Grant Shapps was a major drain to the UK economy,' said Professor Lisa Day from the Institute of Economic Monogamy. 'It seems like such an obvious cut to make now. And parliamentary tractor porn costs are right down. The only sector where I'm still hesitant to be optimistic is the Matt Hancock pub landlord industry. I don't know how it's going to survive without VIP lane assistance from the taxpayer.'

'To boost growth, I would recommend a further reduction of Sunaks. And to properly fund the NHS? A good seeing to of sloppy, wet Hunts.'

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