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The 20 billion black hole in the UK budget, suspiciously brought to light only after Labour came to office finally has an explanation this week.
A disgruntled civil servant, possibly a woman, possibly a man, possibly something else entirely, has leaked plans for the greatest British burial since World Cup 94.
Pharaoh Gate or The Starmermid as it is known entails constructing a 485 ft high 760 ft wide Marble Pyramid in London's Whittington Park as a suitable resting place for the public prosecutions director of hearts.
The Starmermid will feature a nationalised workforce with contractual obligations, a bit like HS2 but without the bad bits.
The Tomb will have every modern convenience, a hotline to labour HQ and a ouija board telegraph to request items from lobbyists and Starmer's body will be housed in a miniature version of The Millennium Dome that sits within the tomb itself.
Starmer's remains will be buried with full public honours, dressed in full Arsenal strip, coincidently the only way he was capable of making love.
A government spokesperson defended the news telling a reporter "Its plainly obvious this is a normal government measure, give me your name and address. "
image from pixabay
Updated: Apr 24, 2022
Yet another leak from Number 10 has confirmed that the government has finally run out of innovative cruelty. To fill the gap demanded by British-based supporters of racism, the government will now purloin policy from whatever they notice written on the Gunners away kit.
'Visit Rwanda, seemed like a jolly good idea, so we posted Priti Patel there,' confirmed a spokeswoman unable to contain a smirk. 'Unfortunately, she was in possession of the nation's chequebook for a reason no one can explain and forked out for a ridiculously expensive flogging of children and an immigrant concentration camp.'
Critics of this latest round of government insanity have pointed out the obvious error. The Rwandan leadership paid Arsenal £30 million, and since the UK have now bunged Rwanda a £120 million sweetener, it is clear that Downing Street are now funding the North London team, who Keir Starmer supports.
Arsenal Football Club have denied that next week their shirts will feature an advert which reads 'Post your fixed penalty notices to Mozambique.'
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