Budget Black Hole due to planned Starmer Pyramid Tomb

The 20 billion black hole in the UK budget, suspiciously brought to light only after Labour came to office finally has an explanation this week.

A disgruntled civil servant, possibly a woman, possibly a man, possibly something else entirely, has leaked plans for the greatest British burial since World Cup 94.

Pharaoh Gate or The Starmermid as it is known entails constructing a 485 ft high 760 ft wide Marble Pyramid in London's Whittington Park as a suitable resting place for the public prosecutions director of hearts.

The Starmermid will feature a nationalised workforce with contractual obligations, a bit like HS2 but without the bad bits.

The Tomb will have every modern convenience, a hotline to labour HQ and a ouija board telegraph to request items from lobbyists and Starmer's body will be housed in a miniature version of The Millennium Dome that sits within the tomb itself.

Starmer's remains will be buried with full public honours, dressed in full Arsenal strip, coincidently the only way he was capable of making love.

A government spokesperson defended the news telling a reporter "Its plainly obvious this is a normal government measure, give me your name and address. "

image from pixabay

Government policy now entirely inspired by what is written on Arsenal shirts

Yet another leak from Number 10 has confirmed that the government has finally run out of innovative cruelty. To fill the gap demanded by British-based supporters of racism, the government will now purloin policy from whatever they notice written on the Gunners away kit.

'Visit Rwanda, seemed like a jolly good idea, so we posted Priti Patel there,' confirmed a spokeswoman unable to contain a smirk. 'Unfortunately, she was in possession of the nation's chequebook for a reason no one can explain and forked out for a ridiculously expensive flogging of children and an immigrant concentration camp.'

Critics of this latest round of government insanity have pointed out the obvious error. The Rwandan leadership paid Arsenal £30 million, and since the UK have now bunged Rwanda a £120 million sweetener, it is clear that Downing Street are now funding the North London team, who Keir Starmer supports.

Arsenal Football Club have denied that next week their shirts will feature an advert which reads 'Post your fixed penalty notices to Mozambique.'

Told you so, say Aztec priests

Priests from the temple of the Aztec night god Tezcatlipoca at Tenochtitlan have been gloating at the discomfiture of the British public as another cloudy and drizzly summer fizzles out to its inevitable end. They now feel vindicated in their view that at least 2,000 human sacrifices are needed every day to make the sun rise.

‘Life is because of the gods, with their sacrifice they gave us life. Everything – sun, crops, moon, stars, Lisa Stansfied, tinned ravioli, everything – comes from that,’ said the discarnate soul of Ixaccihuatl, former Aztec chief priest, who was channelled by Derek Acorah. ‘We told the Spanish conquistadors as much in 1519 too, but none of you would listen. Well, serves you right.’

Under the Aztec Empire, constant wars were fought against neighbouring tribes to provide sacrifices to Tezcatlipoca and the sun god Huitzilopochtl to ensure that the sun continued to circle the Earth. Some have observed that Londoners could probably capture and sacrifice the requisite number from East Anglia to ensure a rather pleasant Indian Summer weekend later this month without anyone noticing.

‘When we sacrificed to Huitzilopochtli, the victim would be placed on a sacrificial stone, then the priest would cut through the abdomen with an obsidian blade. The heart would be torn out still beating and held towards the sky and the body would be either cremated or given to the warrior responsible for the capture of the victim, who would either send the parts to other important men as an offering or eat them,’ explained Ixaccihuatl. ‘A bit like Friday night in Croydon, then.’

Without a constant supply of victims, the Aztecs believed, the 52-year cycle of life on Earth could come to an end or Arsenal might win a game, whichever is the earlier. The Daily Express is believed to be planning a three-page feature article on the subject next week, unless house prices change in the interim.

Image: johnybegoog/Pixabay