Fears grow that migrants may be able to raft to Britain on a torrent of French @rse sweat

EDL spokes-wazzock, Andy Notherthing, has voiced concerns from across the bigot community.

'I have a mate who knows someone who can read, and he says he saw this article on Wikipedia that reckons sweat is lighter than saltwater. Everyone knows that French swelter like a glassblower's arse - even in winter. But, what with this long hot spell, sweat will be gushing down their rivers to the coast like a reverse Severn Bore.

'Your crafty migrant could probably surf their way across the channel on waves of French perspiration. Our navy should be firing depth charges filled with Lynx into the English Channel'.

Neighbours furious with NHS worker as it turns out he's a bit of an arse

Neighbours of NHS worker, Colin Wheatley, are furious that their "local hero" is a total dick.

Colin, 37, of Moseley, an NHS nurse with 12 years experience has really disappointed local residents with his grumpy disposition and ignorant manners.

"I can't believe it" Brian Wells told our reporter. "He moved in just as lockdown started and we were all really proud to have a proper, real NHS nurse living on our street. We were out there every Thursday, banging our pots and pans and clapping like there's no tomorrow, just for him."

"We were so excited and proud. We were scared to leave the house and there he was, every day, bravely going off to save lives. A true hero. Then it all went wrong. My kids kicked their ball over his fence a few times and he asked them to stop doing it. They're just kids. Grumpy bugger!"

Ivy Reynolds told us, "I would wave my rainbow flag at him as he passed my house and I even baked a pie for him. My grandchildren even chalked "NHS Hero" on the pavement outside his house. But then everything changed. One day he knocked over my bin with his car and another time, last summer. he was playing really loud music in his garden. This was only a week after he complained about my grandkids making too much noise in the garden because he was on nights."

""I bloody clapped for you!" I told him but he wasn't even listening. He's become a real nightmare."

Mr Wheatley was unavailable for comment.

Mystery businessman offers £1,000,000 prize for someone to kick Boris Johnson up the arse on live TV

In a development inspired by legendary sitcom Fr. Ted, a wealthy businessman who wishes to remain anonymous, has offered to pay a cool £1,000,000 to the first person who's able to land Boris Johnson "a good hard kick up the arse" and have the moment captured on live TV.

A spokesman for the mystery tycoon said: 'My boss, Mr X, is sick to death looking at the smirking idiot talking incoherent bollocks and grinning like a bloody Cheshire cat, and feels that someone humiliating Johnson in this manner on live TV would go a long way to making him feel better about the world in general. Hence, such a magnificent sum.'

It's understood that in light of last week's bungled attempt by Mr Johnson to change parliamentary rules in a blatant effort to get his pal out of a bit of trouble, security has been beefed up on government benches in the House of Commons, in case any Tory MPs fancy taking a crack at their leader.

Meanwhile the news is believed to have sparked massive interest across the country, with many offering to carry out the dare but donate the money to charity. And one Buckingham Palace insider is refusing to deny that upon hearing about the proposal, a wistful Queen commented: 'You know, if one was twenty years younger, one might be tempted to have a go oneself when the bloody buffoon shows up here next Wednesday.'

Image: Unsplash/Hello I'm Nik

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