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Keir Starmer last seen in Trump's anus



What was meant to be a Presidential visit, has turned into a rectal holiday to remember. No soon had the UK's servile Prime Minister landed, then he covered himself in a vat of industrial jelly and sprinted to The White House for warm interior of Trump's sphincter.


The 'special relationship' is now closer than ever and comes with a free prostate examination.


Surviving on a diet of Big Mac remains, Starmer plans to remain in this lower cavity until his popularity improves - which could be never.


Sir Keith (sp) is not the first PM to disappear up a President's butt, but he is the first one to enjoy it. Asked why the PM had seen so keen, an aide remarked: 'He heard that Peter Mandelson was enjoying his time in Washington, so he just wanted to hook up with all the other little shits.'


image from pixabay


Dulwich woman finds the a*se of Jesus in a packet of Monster Munch




A woman claims she was eating a packet of beef flavoured Monster Munch, when she found one in the shape of Jesus’ a*se.


Penny Fustercluck, an unemployed motivational speaker from Dulwich said, 'I was watching Loose Women and eating some Monster Munch, when I found one in the exact shape of Jesus’ a*se. I couldn’t believe it! It was such a spiritual experience. I know you’re going to say it could have been anyone’s a*se - but I could tell straight away it was the a*se of Jesus. Who else but the Son of God could have sent me such an important sign?'


When asked if she could show us the a*se shaped Monster Munch, she replied, 'Well, no – I ate it, obviously. This is beef flavoured Monster Munch we’re talking about, they’re delicious, I couldn’t just not eat it.'


Ms Fustercluck says the experience has totally changed her outlook on life. 'That a*se shaped Monster Munch sent me a powerful message. And that message was – I should get off my a*se, and stop eating Monster Munch all day.


'In future, my life is going to be totally different, and that starts right now. I’m going to get off my a*se, and go to the shop to buy some Frazzles.'


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