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‘Everybody to be honoured for doing the job they are paid to do' says Government



‘Everybody to be honoured for doing the job they are paid to do' says Government.


Following the Queen’s decision to honour the Duke of Edinburgh’s most loyal and trusted aides for doing the job they are paid to do, the Government has decided to make similar awards to everybody in the UK who finds themselves in gainful employment.


Government sources say that now we are no longer bound by repressive EU regulations the UK can finally give a big thank you to everybody who receives a salary or an income as a result of doing the job they are contracted to do. The awards will be across the board (not just the boardroom) and will cover all aspects of work, regardless of rank, reputation or job importance.


People in IT will receive the CVO for turning up for work while ancillary workers will be awarded the LVO for simply doing what they are expected to do. Those employed in the service sector will be made Knight Bachelors and tradesmen in the construction industry will receive the The Most Distinguished Order of St Michael and St George.


Sports men and women will receive The Most Nobel Order of the Garter while those self employed - such as hairdressers and door supervisors - not currently covered by the proposed honours system will automatically become dames and knights. Even sex workers (both sexes) will be recognised for the valuable contribution they make to society and will become Companions of the Order of the Bath (CB). Drag artists such as Baga Chipz and Sassi Afrika - although already ‘made up’ - will be made up even further with the much coveted Order of Merit.


‘The UK has a long history of giving idiotic awards and puffed-up titles to specially selected people to make them appear superior to the rest of us….but Brexit now means we can go one step further and give these utterly meaningless titles to everybody and make us all sound like complete and utter twats’ said witless Tory MP Piers Knightley-Gordon. ‘The next step is to give everybody an idiotic double-barrelled name just like mine.

Who wouldn’t want their plumber to be called Kevin Bates-Timpson or the girls down at the nail salon to be referred to as The Right Honourable Lady.


'It adds a touch of class'.


First published 1 April 2022




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Bullingdon Club members urged to have brain scans



A recent H&S study of biaxially-oriented polypropylene, from which modern polymer banknotes are manufactured, has revealed that when attempted to be lit, produce noxious fumes that, if inhaled, can cause brain damage.

Although polymer banknotes were introduced some time after Boris Johnson gained notoriety by setting fire to a £50 note in front of a homeless man, doctors are concerned that people with money to burn may be practising with polymer notes and have urged anyone likely to be engaging in this practice to have their brain scanned, mainly to check whether they have one


First published 31 March 2022


Photo by Jp Valery on Unsplash



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PM denies Houses of Parliament are ‘institutionally corrupt’



Despite mild criticism of UK politicians in recent days / weeks / months / years / centuries, PM Rishi Sunak denies that both the UK Chambers (and bastions) of democracy are in any way institutionally corrupt. a spokesperson for the PM, explained:-


“Use of the word ‘institutionally’ is unhelpful because it politicises what is really down to a few individual rotten apples.


"Yes I admit there have been isolated instances of illegal payments for lobbying. And sexual harassment. And photo-copier abuse. And bullying. And ignoring Covid lock-down rules and lying to Parliament. And religious bigotry. And awarding lucrative Covid contracts to chums without tendering. And anti-semitism. And using ‘imaginative’ tax-avoidance schemes. And sucking up to Russian oligarchs (and their money).


"But I don’t think we should concentrate on a few minor misdemeanours. What the public really wants to know is how I am making the UK great again. This is of course not easy after 12 years of Tory misrule – oops I meant challenging global trading conditions.


"However after the four previous lazy, deadbeat, incompetent, ‘economical with the truth’ and batshit incumbents, voters will hopefully realise the sunlit uplands are just around the corner”.


First published 30 March 2023




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