Doctor apprenticeships to begin with use of file, marking out and drilling machine

Government plans to introduce doctor apprenticeships have been explained by a senior trainer at Carshalton Technical College, which will be among the first tranche of further education sites to be running the courses.

Edward Simms (call me Eddie) the senior trainer, was kind enough to postpone a lesson suggesting what questions to students needed to expect in the first year gas fitters exam to tell Newsbiscuit that his college was probably chosen because it handles the training requirements for Kwit Fit for a Tory donor that is anticipating adding GP surgeries to its motor repair branches if sufficient numbers of students sign up to the course.

“The thing is,” said Eddie, “since schools dropped technology in favour of King James Bible studies, we get students like Ethel here, who has twenty nine GCSEs but left school without knowing eff all about the difference between shit and clay, so before we can start teaching kids about how the human body works, how to solder damaged arteries back together and decoke vaginas, they have to learn basic skills like how to use hand tools.

Among the equipment the college has invested in in preparation to run the courses is a microtome for the college canteen, which is thought will be used if any students remain eligible for free school meals.

Image: Myriams-Fotos - Pixabay

www.newsbiscuit.com

Conservatives to offer internships as Prime Minister

'We got the idea from "Have I Got News For You?" ' said a spokesman. 'When Angus Deayton had to leave because of the, erm, cocaine allegations, they brought in guest presenters. We’ve been doing the same with our Prime Ministers.'

The Conservative Party’s plan is to allow the children of wealthy donors to each do a week as "Intern PM" .

'Oh, they’d run the country, much as Liz is doing now,' said the spokesman. 'It will look good on their CVs and the chances are the pound might rally a bit.'

Keir Starmer described the idea as ‘interesting’ and asked if there would be an age limit.

www.newsbiscuit.com

Apprentice candidate admits that failure on task was totally down to them

A candidate on the Apprentice has shocked Lord Sugar, his advisors, fellow competitors and TV audiences by admitting that the failure of a task was entirely due to their incompetence, and that really, if someone should be fired right now, it was them.

In a refreshingly honest boardroom encounter, Mike Jones 42, held up his hands and accepted that during a totally artificial and unrealistic task sourcing and buying 12 random products for the lowest price around some European city whilst dressed in full business garb and pursued by 12 cameras and sound crew, he had contributed absolutely nothing of value.

'I fucked it up, good and proper', said Jones. 'That 2 kilos of scallops should have been got for £30 quid max, but the wholesaler saw I was totally green and got £250 out of me. And before you make some heavily scripted crappy fish-related pun, Lord Sugar, let me do it for you. I was stitched up like a kipper (or should that be scallop) - make sure you glance over to Karen and laugh at my expense at that point.'

'Actually, I'm surprised I made it to the final 6', continued Jones candidly. 'I've only given it 70% on every task, way less than the 110% you need and that everyone else says they have given. Why should you invest in me and not the other 5 candidates? Honestly, you shouldn't. I've ordered my own Uber out of here to save you being charged for that black cab that you have constantly on standby outside. It's the least I could do.'

Jones also admitted that winning The Apprentice wouldn't actually mean the world to him at all. 'I've got a good solid job as an astrophysicist with an interest in sustainability, and have spent 15 years since my PhD trying to develop ways of harvesting water from other planets. To be honest I'm really happy with what I do and just wanted to try and get my ideas for helping build our future and the future of our children out there'.

'I can go back to my job on Monday. I don't really think working with Lord Sugar would be a good fit for me. I'd probably hit him very hard on day 1 if he kept using the word 'process' to describe absolutely everything, from making a cup of tea, to going for a mid-morning dump.'

'Mike was a nice candidate, but he clearly hasn't learnt much from the process', said one of Lord Sugar's 'trusted advisors'.. Surely the process must tell him he's not cut out for working with a titan of industry like Alan',

'His long-term vision to extract water from planets over the next 100 years, and ultimately make these planets habitable by humans by 2120 was just so derivative, when compared to the vintage clothes apps and artisan bread stores being proposed by everyone else in this process', continued the advisor.

'There are literally hundreds of small businesses operating already in the planetary exploration sector. I just designed an cloud-based tool in 10 minutes that does something very similar to what he's suggesting. He needs to learn to bullshit a lot more or he won't get anywhere.'

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/startupstockphotos-690514/