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In a fetching floral print, the hand-crafted invitations have been sent to every person on Earth. Remarked Conquest: 'The End of Days always felt so vague. It's been so lovely to have a fixed date at last.'
'Thanks to the inaction and incompetence of world leaders, we are now in a position to plan for our special day. It will be a nondenominational service, but at that point, praying to God will do you no good anyway. Oh, and Famine has sorted out everyone's dietary arrangements - which will be light on calories.
'We took awhile to agree on the day, as we wanted to avoid any rail strikes. We're just so pleased that everyone is invited - well technically, it's compulsory. Trust me, you wouldn't want to miss it for the world... what's left of it.'
Following Asteroid 2023 BU passing within 2,200 miles of the Earth, one NASA astrophysicist hopes to engage in a bit of interplanetary snooker to make sure we are not so lucky next time.
'It's for the best.' confirmed Professor Vivienne van Voort. 'Human beings simply cannot be trusted. If Jacob Rees-Mogg becomes the new Lorraine Kelly it would be better to destroy all evidence that this planet ever existed.'
Hard-line conservatives have labelled the plan to destroy the Earth and kill all life as 'woke' and criticised it for being pro-immigration, with one knuckle dragger grunting 'Asteroids, coming over here, taking our apocalypses.'
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