Trump hails tariff deal with penguin islands

Donald Trump has hailed a ground breaking trade deal with the Heard and McDonald Islands.

The President's trade envoy said that the penguins had proved to be tough negotiators. The US team found the penguins hard to contact and that there were communication barriers to overcome. 'Those penguins have an Ozzie accent - and they drive a hard bargain - and they are terrible at golf,' he joked. 'But we did make a deal.'

The core of the deal is an agreement that American exports of fish to the islands will have zero tariffs. In return, America will allow imports of penguin guano and penguin biscuits to be tariff free 'as long as those black and white frickers don't use Chinese cargo ships.'

Tariffs on steel, solar panels, semiconductors, electric cars, avocados and timber will remain at 25% . None of these items are currently produced by the penguins.

Donald Trump is ecstatic. 'I know how to do deals. This is a great deal for America and a great deal for the penguins. This is the first of many beautiful trade deals. So there is no reason for US markets to yo-yo up and down, making us all seasick, any more.'

image from pixabay

Trump demands that imports arrive on American ships

President Trump has taken exception to the fact that only 178 cargo ships sail under the US flag globally.  This represents a measly 0.57% of global tonnage.

‘Our foreign trade enemies are ripping off America,’ said DT, warming up for a bit of a rant.

‘It’s a disgrace that 8,065 ships sail under the flag of Panama.  It’s a disgrace that the ship that destroyed the bridge in Baltimore was registered in Singapore.  It’s a disgrace that the ship that blocked the Suez Canal was registered in Panama.

‘I’m proud that the Exxon Valdez sailed under the American flag, although losing all that oil was disappointing and wasteful and probably because of sabotage.

‘So, my new policy is that all imports to the US of A must arrive on American flagged ships.  Any that don’t will face additional tariffs of 10%, rising by 1.5% every Tuesday, unless that day is a federal holiday.

‘On reflection, I’m now announcing that the introduction of the tariffs will be delayed for 90 minutes.  And the tariff rates will be halved, no, cancelled, no, doubled, with immediate effect.   Long live America!  Long live me! Hang tough!

Image by OpenClipart-Vectors from Pixabay

Stock Markets agree to trade when Trump is sleeping

With tariff impositions and exemptions being imposed willy-nilly and almost on a whim by the President of the USA, stock markets are now operating in a constant state of flux and confusion.

In an attempt to counter this, and bring back the particular form of stability that benefits the leading trading houses, a proposal has been made to restrict trading to those hours when President Trump is asleep, and thus less likely to make significant and wide-reaching policy changes.

Whilst admitting this time-locked trading may be inconvenient for almost everyone, at least the 'right people' should again be exercising a modicum of control over the markets, and share prices will not be skidooshed every twenty minutes by the seemingly random pronouncements of the feckless orange incumbent of the White House.

Image credit: Wix/Unsplash