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Donald Trump has refused to rule out military action in his quest to acquire a Panama hat.
Although Panama hats are widely available from reputable suppliers, and are also available on the internet, The Donald does not seem ready to acquire one this way.
‘I did have a Panama hat, but it was stolen from me,’ claimed almost-President Trump on his anti-social media platform Social UnTruth. ‘Luckily, I have thousands of MAGA caps still in stock, at only $39.99 plus postage. Buy now before prices rise.
‘As a free American, I have a constitutional right to wear whatever hat I like, even if it is a Panama hat and un-American by definition. And all free Americans have the right to defend, or attack, hats of any colour, if they feel like it, including with automatic weapons.  It’s the American way.
Just to be clear, I only want a Panama hat so that I can jump up and down on it, to show everyone what my approach to foreign policy will be.’
Picture credit: Wix AI
America’s most oppressed minority – billionaires – have expressed relief that the current Commie hellscape is drawing to a close.
‘You wouldn’t believe how much tax I paid on my last moon base’, one billionaire told us. ‘I’m working night and day to put America on the map yet every gallon of space-grade rocket fuel carries more than a cent in tax. Doesn’t Biden WANT greatness?’
Donald Trump has promised to liberate America’s wealthy from the shackles of socialism. Private sex islands will now be tax-free, penis enlargement kits and fake tan dispensers will be provided from federal reserves and ‘people ownership’ will once more drive America’s industrial strength.
Presidential Hanger-On Elon Musk, and some other bloke nobody has heard of, will job share the role of making government more efficient by sacking all the people in it (except themselves). This will have the benefit of eliminating the Department of Education, which is kryptonite for billionaires. No date has been set for the book-burnings.
Picture credit: Wix AI
Editors note: Efficiency is improved if, for example, you can get more output from the same input, or the same output from reduced input. Sacking everyone, as referenced in the piece above, should certainly reduce input costs, but the effect on outputs might be harder to predict. Don't try to divide zero by zero, you'll upset the mathematicians. That's as far as we go on economics. If you want to know more, try WackyPedia.
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