If you can't get a pharmacist appointment - try eBay, says PM

'Some people think we've been unreasonable, suggesting that to solve the GP appointment crisis they should use their pharmacist,' said a spokesman for the Prime Minister today.  'Did the PM mention his father was a pharmacist?  Well don't bother asking him to help, he's the Prime Minister's dad, for goodness sake,' he added, noting that the Prime Minister's Father-in-Law also wasn't available for consults unless they involve multi-billion-pound government contracts. 

Critics have suggested that pharmacists, while well qualified to count pills, mix medicines and search Google as well as any GP to explain a nasty rash on the end of an over-used penile extension, are also rather busy dispensing flu, covid and pneumonia jabs in lieu of GPs already at £50 a jab, and the public will have to wait several days if they want advice ostensibly for free.  The government has, incredibly, another layer of solution - use eBay.

'eBay has everything you will need - steroids, topical creams, homeopathic solutions sold in tiny packages,' said the spokesman, adding, 'it has already revolutionised dentistry with all the tools needed to extract your own teeth readily available,' he said, adding, 'and don't forget the dark web - the government will provide access to that medium for people too lazy to wait four weeks to see a GP or ten weeks for an emergency operation,' he said.

In other news the government announced that in addition to selling off £50K ventilators for £150 a pop they are selling fully kitted ambulances for scrap.  'With our new initiatives it's unlikely anyone will survive long enough for an ambulance to arrive to pick them up, so why bear the cost of maintaining them?' asked a senior government minister.

Photo by Serkan Yildiz on Unsplash

Ambulance response times now longer than returning Elgin marbles to Greece

An ambulance has taken two hundred and fifteen years to drive from Salford NHS trust to 37 Slurry Drive in Salford. Remarkably this is longer than it has taken the British Museum to think about returning the stolen Elgin marbles to their rightful owners.

The trust CEO, Norman Brimmer, said they were working hard to bring times down so that patients wouldn’t have to wait longer than a century or fifty years in emergency cases of cardiac arrest or getting your head stuck in a bucket.

'Two hundred and fifteen years is rather a long time,' said Mr Brimmer, 'but to put things into perspective, that’s only twenty-five years above national government targets.'

Army to cover ambulance drivers, nurses, teachers and posties

The army has agreed to bail the government out to prevent a winter of discontent. 'Ambulances will be staffed by members of 1 Para,' shouted a Regimental Sergeant Major. 'They will triage all callers and shoot any that have a low chance of survival,' he said, very loudly. Nurses will be replaced by the infantry. 'We are practising holding wrists, gazing at watches as if it means something, and making non-committal grunts by numbers as we speak,' he said, pulling up your reporter's wrist on the count of 'one-two', gazing at his watch on the count of 'one-two - er - another one - another one - some more ones'.

Schools are going to be run on regimental training school grounds with naked swims in the lake, running around the quadrangle naked and showers, naked of course, before any teaching. Students are allowed to join in if they want to. 45 Commando will be responsible for delivering mail by yomping up and down the country, sipping grenades into post boxes and setting up command positions at the end of every street in the country.

'We'll do this if the government agrees to our pay demand,' stated an Army officer. The government is now understood to be considering mobilising the Salvation Army instead.

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