Putin in talks to become the next James Bond

Sources in Moscow say the Kremlin is negotiating with the internet giant Amazon about President Vladimir Putin being offered the role as the next James Bond.

The idea has come as a surprise to Amazon, who now control the James Bond franchise, as Putin is not apparently known to have any acting skills, being capable of only one menacing expression which he has performed continuously since 1989.

It is understood that the current President has not had to compete with other actors for the part. Most actors would throw themselves at the opportunity to play James Bond but now risk mysteriously throwing themselves out of a window if they dare audition for it. Putin has told friends that he would feel at home playing an agent working for the British Secret Service since historically most of their best spies all turned out to be working for Russia anyway. As for the part itself, the Kremlin believes that Putin as the new Bond will leave audiences shaken and not stirred, although perhaps also but also frothing at the mouth depending on the dose of nerve agent involved.

Image: WixAI

Macaulay Culkin Demands Home Alone 4 more Oscar-Worthy

Following his brother's success at the Academy Awards, winning Best Supporting Actor for his role in A Real Pain, Child-star Macaulay Culkin has called a crisis meeting with the production team for Home Alone 4 and demanded the film is made more award-friendly.

Leaked first drafts of the script from Amazon were a direct reprisal of the 1990 smash hit, with Culkin as the family patriarch rushing across country after leaving a child at home. Like the original, the child would protect the home from burglars, but this time using products bought using Amazon's Prime service, and smart home features controlled by Alexa. Despite not having shooting dates or a cast, the film had already been panned by critics.

"The whole thing read like complete shlock," said YouTube Critic Mick N'Pick. "Just ninety minutes of advertising, playing the nostalgia card and rehashing bits from the first two movies but with none of the charm. Even having Catherine O'Hara hook up with Donald Trump reprising his role as guy-in-the-lobby from Home Alone 2 felt lazy. Hey, are you liking, subscribing and sharing? Because this kind of analysis doesn't come for free you know!"

Executives at Amazon have refused to confirm or deny rumours of a change in direction, or the hiring of every nominated film's writers by the studio. However, pictures of whiteboards in the writers' room posted accidently on social media show a mixed bag of potential directions for the film to go, along with vast amounts of Chinese food and cocaine.

"They've definitely shifted the tone," remarked N'Pick, "from a version where Kevin makes the journey with his mother that's straight up a copy of Green Book, dealing with his fame like Birdman, or going into a multiverse with a musical mixing Wicked and Everything- Everywhere; it's a real case of throwing jelly at the wall and hoping they hit paydirt. Though actually throwing jelly at the wall was rejected as a way to get rid of the burglars in case kids copied it."

On whether the changes would bring a second Academy Award to the Culkin family, N'Pick was circumspect, saying, "It depends on the year, on the way the tides are, and a million other variables. However, playing a favourable character from history always goes down well with the voters, so Macaulay's already halfway there with that one!"

image from pixabay

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Inverness Airport Lighting Upgrade Just New Torch

Auditors are questioning the £4 million bill to upgrade runway lighting at Inverness airport, as a forensic examination of invoices shows the only thing bought was a new torch.

"Aye, we'll admit that sounds expensive," said lead project manager Iona Ferrari, "but what you have to consider are bigger picture things like logistics costs. This torch is aerospace-grade, which doesn't come cheap, and we had to buy the batteries from WH Smith, as there's nowhere else open on the High Street anymore, and we weren't allowed to get Amazon Prime."

The airport is now advertising a role standing at the end of the runway flashing the torch at approaching aircraft. The successful applicant will be needed six days a week, eleven months a year. The month off is around the summer solstice, when aircraft can successfully navigate thanks to the giant wicker man burning on the airport's land.

image from pixabay

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