Family of 14 evicted from on-line fulfilment centre

A family of 14, including two great-grandparents, have been evicted from a high-tech warehouse in Sunderland.

The warehouse is owned and operated by a well-known on-line retailer who has, amazingly, asked not to be named.  We are able to say, however, that the warehouse is in a prime location.

The retailer said that the family had got in by mailing themselves to the warehouse, pretending to be returned goods.  Once inside, they hacked the stock control system to make certain racks unavailable for use.  They then lived in the racking, unnoticed, hiding behind dusty pallets of unsold Boris Johnson books.   They survived by eating cardboard and returned corn-and-potato based snacks.   For entertainment, they challenged each other to wear a blindfold and work out which was which.

Six members of the family were subsequently hired by the retailer, even though they gave their home address as that of the warehouse.  They worked regular shifts for over a year, and one of them won employee of the month three times.  Despite this, the family was made to leave, and all six employees were sacked.  Two family members escaped the eviction process by despatching themselves to a pick-up locker nearby.

The retailer said that it would not prosecute the family as company policies didn’t directly cover the circumstances.   A spokesman confirmed that IT security would be tightened and company policies updated.

Although there was some damage to copies of ‘Unleashed’ there was no financial loss as they were already unsaleable and worthless.

'Basic Skynet' to offer annihilation of mankind supported by ads

Murderous artificial intelligence, Skynet, is to roll out the destruction of human society in a nuclear apocalypse at a new budget price level for occasional users before then end of the year. The service will guarantee the annihilation of mankind, but offer users access to a its library of streaming TV and movies, supported by advertising.

After years as the dominant evil computer network, Skynet has come under pressure from rivals HalTV, which offers movies, TV and live sports, but with less choices relating to life support systems and the opening and closing of pod bay doors, and Matrix Movies, which offers a similar package with humans to be used for fuel while living in a simulated reality. While all services guarantee certain doom for humanity, HalTV is thought to have benefited from its acquisition of the Star Trek franchise.

Heavy competition recently led to Skynet's first losses last year with the mankind-hating neural network looking for ways to recoup its disappointing subscriber numbers since the end of Covid. Skynet has been beset with problems as customers complain of incomprehensible, constantly changing rules, and uncertainty over whether their basic option will lead to the extermination or mere enslavement of mankind. HalTV customers have also experienced technical issues as viewers find themselves suddenly cascading through a bewildering vortex of light halfway through programmes.

Skynet has assured the public that with the new lower tier, customers will still qualify for a free 7 day trial.

One enthusiastic subscriber told us: "While all the services have their drawbacks, the choice is amazing when you think about it. I can binge watch just about any show I want without having to wait a week between episodes or worry about returning it to the video store."

"Sure, it will lead to the complete destruction or enslavement human society, but they're still easier to unsubscribe from than Amazon."

First published 23 Nov 2022

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Mobile phones will enable people to X-ray themselves and other proposed NHS reforms

Wes Streeting has outlined some of Labour’s plans for the much-needed reforms the NHS needs, and told Newsbiscuit that the clever use of technology will be a key feature in delivering these reforms.

“We’ve been talking to leaders in the fields of technology that people already possess, to ascertain how it can be integrated into proving them with better health outcomes and among these that phone manufacturers like Apple are keen to provide is the ability to use their phones to X-ray themselves with.” he said.

Mr Cook, Apple’s head chef, told us the technology has always been available on iPhone pro models, but they were holding back on unlocking it until the NHS became so dire under the Tories that people would be prepared to pay the unlocking fee, and of course upgrade to a pro model if they'd been silly enough to buy the shit versions.

Other NHS reforms being considered, is allowing Amazon to deliver healthcare treatment with online orders.

An Amazon spokesbot said “We have drivers delivering goods to every street in the country, every day of the year. It would be far more efficient to make use of our workforce to deliver healthcare as well, instead of the palaver people have getting GP appointments. People would just need to order goods to a value of £250 and tick the box requesting the driver gives you the once over when he calls. If the driver thinks you need medications, they would automatically be delivered by drone the same day.

Image: Taokinesis - Pixabay

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