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Britain’s supermarkets are in a war of words about promotions, price cuts and bargains.


The combatants are huffing and puffing about price competition and market share, largely for the benefit of the Competition and Markets Authority. But the likelihood of any actual price cuts is considered very low.


'The supermarkets are speaking to different audiences,' said retail expert and professional bargain hunter Max Price.  ‘They want to tell the government and the competition authorities that they are not in a cartel – which would be illegal. They want to emphasise that retailing is very competitive and that there is no collusion in price setting.


‘The supermarkets are telling retail customers that prices are on their mind and that they are working hard to keep them low.   Even if they aren’t doing any work to keep them low.   Talk about price wars is cheap, gets free publicity, reassures customers and encourages them to spend, which is just what the grocers want.


‘Let’s take a jar of mixed spices as an example.  Customers have no idea what the right price for a jar of mixed spice is.  They don’t know what is in mixed spice, they don’t know where it comes from, and they don’t know if Trump’s tariffs have affected the price or not.  So the big supermarkets can change the price and the consumer has no idea if it’s fair or not.  The only things keeping the big supermarkets in line are the discount chains Aldi and Lidl.  Both are four-letter words, as far as the big stores are concerned.


So you can take all the hot air about price wars with a pinch of salt. Which will cost you anything from one penny to £2.42.


image from pixabay



Anticipating Nigel Farage being installed as prime minister, or possibly King, Reform voter and constitutionally misinformed Roy Jones admitted that, given Reform's underwhelming showing at the recent general elections, he would probably need to resort to eating traditional meals, as opposed to the buckets of Liberal tears he'd previously boasted of drinking online.


When approached for comment, Jones replied "My GP told me that figurative tears were nutritionally void and that I'd still be needing to consume around 2000 calories a day." 


"A lot of what he was saying sounded like the kind of science the mainstream media would peddle, so I initially dismissed it as the establishment trying to keep me down, just like they did with Nige. I am hungry though..." He added with a morose sigh.


Jones' Doctor, choosing to waive patient confidentiality, confirmed: "I did have to explain to Mr Jones that even if he consumed a full bucket of these tears as he threatened to do several time during our appointment, due to the high salt concentration, it would only serve to dehydrate him.


"I had to delicately explain, there's simply no infrastructure in place for the rapid collection and distribution of a human's tears - then I explained it again using words with less than three syllables and a sock puppet I use for paediatrics.


"... I also can't imagine what Orwellian nightmare machine he was picturing that could extract eye moisture from a human. I've reported it to the police and several Aldi stores in the area anyway - cause even with Stewart the Sock-Doc explaining it, I'm still not sure he fully understood why that phrase can't be taken literally."




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