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In a bid to reassure patients that the ambulance they requested is actually on its way, the government has given a contract to FlightRadar24, who are adding ambulances to their app. Patients will now be able to track the progress of their ambulance in real time.
A spokesperson from FlightRadar24 told Newsbiscuit that it had initially seemed like a challenge, but after discussing the matter with their technical whizkids who told the sales team they were already tracking 10 hour non-stop flights successfully, they thought it should be possible to track a truck for at least that long, or even longer, maybe even several days.
The Health Secretary said, 'A lot of the problem was about perception. People worried that after they called 999 and nothing seemed to be happening, they were worried that nothing ever would. Now though, it's just like checking a flight left LA on time and you can follow its path all the way.'
We spoke with a victim of a cycling accident as he was being scraped up off the tarmac to ask whether he thought it was an improvement to the service and were told: 'It's amazing what can be done with technology these days. The Amazon van driver who knocked me over managed to extract my missing leg from the van bumper and was kind enough to put it somewhere safe before he had to rush off for his next delivery, because the customer was tracking that online as well. Thanks to the government, I now know for certain it will only be three days before the ambulance will be here.'
Mabel Thomas, a 90-year old pensioner from Maidstone told us however, 'I can't be arsed with all that app nonsense. I'll just carry on on giving the ambulance staff a decent tip when they take me to hospital and know they won't let me down when I need them.'
Hard-pressed NHS services are planning to follow the lead of British Airways and Heathrow Airport, where restricting would-be holidaymakers to a holding pattern 30 miles from the nearest runway has led to an impressively improved (non)customer experience through check-in and security.
‘It came to me on an attempted weekend break to Nice,’ explained NHS Head of Logistics Tom Reduced-Means. ‘After what we thought was a very reasonable 9 hours queuing outside Gatwick short stay, we realised we were simply orbiting Bluewater Shopping Centre. Thinking we might as well try there, we enjoyed a lovely weekend sunning ourselves in the Build-A-Bear store window.
‘Returning home so refreshed gave me the idea. Who wants to spend 12 hours in an idling Bedford Bambi outside A&E, followed by 3 days on a corridor trolley being elbowed by every gasping cadaver being turned back from theatre for the fifth time? Much nicer for anorexia patients to be redirected to a nearby Harvester, or melanoma sufferers to their local tanning salon, where they can enjoy a lovely break getting upbeat texts celebrating the zero minutes’ waiting time and, possibly linked but equally inspiring, 0% death rate at their local hospital.
‘It means missing the final joy of a hospital stay - revengefully bedblocking past all recovery and decency - but if initial trials go well, we may let Priority Patience customers into hospital lobbies to marvel at the archaic pricing in the cobwebbed Boots concession - still 800% above current inflation! Those upgrading to Very Outpatient Premium can hang about the cracked concrete forecourt to their hearts’ content.
‘With no staff or patients, people-watching opportunities will be somewhat reduced: no dead-eyed, dressing-gowned wraiths clutching a drip stand and greedily forcing a Berkeley Menthol through their tracheostomy. But fishing dog ends out of the gutter still makes for a smashing day out, with a lovely souvenir to distract from your suppurating spleen.’
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