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Supermarkets have always claimed that shoppers choose to shop in them because they offer more choice, however this may be due to change now that technology has advanced. Having successfully ensured shoppers sign up for loyalty card schemes to be able to shop in supermarkets so the discount gained from using the loyalty cards means they pay the true price of the goods, the data gathered on your shopping habits and lifestyle is to be used to reduce the amount of choice available to you. New loyalty cards with embedded electronics are to be issued in the coming months, which will identify you as a unique customer from the moment you enter the store. Technology will be embedded in the trolley, enabling it to only be steered along aisles the AI wants it to go and the trolley will occasional be come immoveable when it is alongside an item the supermarket is keen that you purchase. Customers are not expected to notice anything materially different in this respect to when they get a trolley with a wonky wheel. Advanced packaging linked to the technology will have an invisibility cloak feature that can be turned on or off by the AI to give the impression there is only one item on the shelf, although it may not be necessary to use this function unless Brexit restrictions ease. Cameras around the store will allow the technology to determine whether there’s been any increase in the body mass of your kids since your recent shops and if not, the technology will ensure you can only buy them junk food; and if they are getting ridiculously fat, you’ll be forced to buy them ludicrously expensive healthy food. A spokescrook for the government told Newsbiscuit it welcomes the technology as it will make the shopping experience more efficient, boost productivity and thus lead to growth.
Having lost their CEO, OpenAI has employed a sophisticated algorithm to generate a replacement. Having analysed one million bosses, their composite is white, middle-aged and a c$nt.
The AI explained: '82% of all CEOs are corrupt, sociopathic and ex-Eton. They have one head but an average of less than two ears. While 100% are bald or bald on the inside.'
This simulated boss is technically copyright free yet looks like everyone you have ever hated.
And when it does sack you, there will be a nagging sensation that it plagiarized the idea from an A-level economics paper.
Image: geralt - Pixabay
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