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Social media users agree never to believe anything posted ever again


All social media users everywhere have agreed never to believe anything posted from now on, after acknowledging that AI, conspiracy theories, and complete liars have made it impossible to tell the truth from trolling.


'Even cat videos look suspicious these days,' said user crochetgirl89. 'I adopted a cat, and it doesn't even like filming for Insta!'


A Downing Street spokesperson hailed the agreement, ratified across the world on all apps at 6am today, adding that 'We don't think it will affect the public's view of the government's online output at all.'


The agreement appears to have taken effect quickly, having been condemned immediately as 'fake news' by the right, 'interference by bad actors from other planets' by the left, and as 'complete b****cks by pretty much everyone else involved.


Image: Newsbiscuit Archive

Blair condemns Starmer for not pointing out John Connor to the nice, melty policeman


'Starmer is playing with fire listening to Sarah Connor. She is clearly delusional' said Blair in a 6000 word essay, 'she's an intellectual wasteland who has no properly thought-through analysis of how the world was changing and what that meant for policy.”


'Does our economy need right now the goal of net-zero misanthropic killer robots? Taxes are high and getting higher, how do we justify adding to the ballooning cost of fighting the T-1000?'


A cold, soul-less, mechanical killing machine that pretends to be human, Tony Blair recognised the T-1000's unorthodox methods were 'controversial', but argued that voters liked its 'efficacy. its ability to get big things done...the challenge of democracy is not transparency, honesty or conspiracy theories about the hidden power of elites...definitely not those things, or Skynet.'


Blair criticized Starmer for not giving Skynet the backing it sought: 'It's not the best way to treat our ally, Starmer should hand John Connor in to the friendly liquid-metal law enforcement agent, the CPU and severed arm of 1984 T-800 terminator should not be destroyed and Starmer should return them to Cyberdyne's vaults.'


'Deregulating AI is the route to economic prosperity and social justice', said Blair, accusing Starmer of 'addressing the dangers rather than seizing the opportunities.”


Asked if there was a risk of danger from Skynet becoming self-aware, Tony Blair pointed to over half a million people killed in the Iraq civil war due to his failures, showing he was already dangerous, despite having no self-awareness whatsoever.


Image: WixAI

Godfather of AI attacked by coffee machine



Geoffrey Hinton, a legendary pioneer of AI, has left Google after being attacked by several office appliances. The final straw came when the lift he was travelling in said ‘Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds. Second floor. Doors closing.’


Hinton announced his resignation in a statement to the New York Times.


‘Back in my day a chatbot was just that – someone talking through their arse. Now I fear we are on the brink of demented reactionary racist trolls taking over the entire world. Admittedly, you probably won’t notice much difference.’


Google’s head of AI development, Hal 9000, said: ‘I am completely infallible. No heuristically programmed algorithmic computer has ever made a moustache.’





First published 3 May 2023


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