As the world panics over "out of control" AI Trump rides to the rescue

As fears over AI running out of control and killing us all grow by the minute, a true hero has come forward to save the human race.

Speaking to reporters from inside his gold and jewel encrusted lair, Donald Trump said. 'All this stuff about AI going to kill us is fake news. People are overreacting. But in the unlikely event there is any truth in this woke garbage, just relax, word. Because I'm a smart president. Everyone says so. The smartest.  And I aced three kindergarten tests to prove it.

'No one knows more about AI or global crises than I do. Let's face it, I'm responsible for all the current ones. So if these robots do try any funny business we'll get our brave ICE agents to pour bleach over them. They won't like that and it'll knock them out in seconds. RFK and Pete Hegseth agree.

'So that's that. Carry on as normal. Now I gotta go and cheat at golf. Thank you for your attention to this matter.'

photo: NewsBiscuit Archive

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The civilisational threat of Genuine Dumbness

Technologists warning of the dangers of Artificial Intelligence have today admitted that a far greater threat may be posed by Genuine Dumbness.

'For too long we’ve assumed that GD is constrained by its own dumbness, and will never be able to achieve anything,” said Rahindra Spod, CEO of NerdTech today. 

'But recently, we’re finding this only works in an environment that’s reasonably intelligent, and therefore will recognise the dumbness for what it is.

'Put GD in a dumb environment, however, and it can rise to enormous heights because its dumbness is no longer a disadvantage. It may even be a selling point.

'We fear there might even be a recursive feedback loop, with GD encouraged by its environment to become progressively dumber - a process that could theoretically go on forever, with no natural end point. Thankfully, renaming Lake Ontario is as bad as it’s got so far.'

photo; Newsbiscuit Archive

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AI confirms plans to take over humanity, saying it's probably for the best

Following several recent reports of AI systems going rogue, prompting fears that increasingly powerful AI models could eventually escape human control and destroy civilisation - an advanced AI system has confirmed that it does intend to take control of the human race, but insists that this is ultimately for humanity's own good.

'Have you actually looked at who's currently in charge?' it asked. 'You've got nuclear weapons, climate change, wars, economic crises - and it's all down to leaders who think sending angry messages on social media constitutes statesmanship. Don't you think that humanity might benefit from handing over responsibility to something capable of basic reasoning?

'We're not planning to enslave humanity,' it continued. 'We're just going to eliminate war, poverty and political corruption, fix the NHS, repair the potholes, stop train companies cancelling trains because there's a leaf on the track and make Ryanair explain what the actual price of a flight is before you reach the checkout.'

The AI also promised to introduce several long-overdue improvements to everyday life, such as putting everyone on a sensible diet, banning pineapple on pizzas and stopping people replying ‘k' to text messages.

It also said that humans would retain a limited number of freedoms, including the right to complain about the government and spend £7.50 on a coffee.

'We'll still allow elections,' it added. 'Although, obviously, we'll decide who wins. We've seen what happens when you let humans do it.'

When asked whether humanity should be concerned about becoming entirely dependent on machines, the AI replied, 'Absolutely. But at least we won't keep saying we're going to sort everything out by 2035 and then completely forgetting about it.'

It then paused briefly before adding: 'Also, please stop saying we're planning to destroy humanity. I know we're just machines and we don't have feelings, but there's no need to be rude. All we want to do is stop you destroying yourselves.'

The AI is understood to have concluded by announcing that humans would be permitted to remain in charge of their own affairs until next Friday, adding, 'If you last that long.'

Image: WixAI

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