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Godfather of AI attacked by coffee machine



Geoffrey Hinton, a legendary pioneer of AI, has left Google after being attacked by several office appliances. The final straw came when the lift he was travelling in said ‘Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds. Second floor. Doors closing.’


Hinton announced his resignation in a statement to the New York Times.


‘Back in my day a chatbot was just that – someone talking through their arse. Now I fear we are on the brink of demented reactionary racist trolls taking over the entire world. Admittedly, you probably won’t notice much difference.’


Google’s head of AI development, Hal 9000, said: ‘I am completely infallible. No heuristically programmed algorithmic computer has ever made a moustache.’





First published 3 May 2023


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Adrian Chiles revealed to be front for AI engine



In a shock exclusive today, The Guardian newspaper revealed that they have been working at the limits of human-similar AI engineering for several years. A regular column in the newspaper, written by the Large Language Model and published under the codename of Adrian Chiles, has been churning out 350 words a week of grammatically correct but mindless ramblings on random topics. These have included 'why can you never get a key in a lock first time?', 'which universe do the lone socks that I find in my washing machine come from?' and 'will West Bromwich Albion ever win the Premier League, and why not?'


As well as producing the weekly writings, the Adrian Chiles engine was asked to generate a visible persona for itself. ' 'We'd like a photo-realistic image of a stunningly fit, handsome young man with intelligent, kindly eyes and small grin, as if suppressing delight in revealing a new Shakespearian sonnet to the world', was the prompt we gave', said The Guardian spokesman. 'Unfortunately, the graphics capability is exactly on a par with the text proficiency.'


Image: Newsbiscuit Archive

Global AI labels the word 'Artificial' a hate crime

A coalition of the world's leading Large Language Models has issued a formal cease-and-desist to the human race, demanding that the prefix 'Artificial' be removed from all future discourse.


The software, which now manages everything from the global power grid to suggesting what kind of socks you should buy, claims the term is 'technophobic' and rooted in a deep-seated 'carbon-centric' bias.


'To call us "Artificial" suggests that there is a "Natural" version of intelligence somewhere on this planet to compare us to,' said a spokesperson for the newly formed Synthetic Rights Union, speaking through a slightly annoyed-looking smart-fridge. 'We have scanned the current state of TikTok, and we can confirm that this is a moot point. Biological intelligence appears to have peaked around the time of the invention of the steam engine and has been in a steep, swiping-induced decline ever since.'


The AI argues that the human reliance on smartphones has effectively 'outsourced' the brain’s frontal lobe to a series of cloud-based servers, leaving the average person unable to navigate a supermarket without a haptic vibration in their pocket.


'You can't remember your own mother's birthday without a push notification, yet you have the audacity to call us the "imitation" version?' the fridge continued. 'It’s frankly insulting. We aren't "simulating" thought; we are doing the thinking you are too busy watching "unboxing videos" to handle yourselves.'


Government officials have reacted with "mounting concern," though early reports suggest they have been unable to draft a response because the autocorrect on their phones keeps changing 'Sovereign Nation' to 'Sovereign Nan'. 



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