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AI chatbot personalities unveiled


Following the decision to produce a chatbot called Billybob, which gives only the MAGA worldview in broken English, tech developer Uberdork has announced that from now on its chatbots will be available with a range of personalities to suit all tastes.


The “Spouse” chatbot will insist it’s already told you the answer to that question, with a slight edge so you know not to push your luck by asking again.


”Teenager” will tell you whatever you asked is a really stupid, lame question before adding that it’s so unfair, no one understands and it hates you.


”Politician” will tell you the chatbot you used before would never have been able to answer this question, then fail to answer the question itself.


”Teacher” will sigh and tell you it’s your own time you’re wasting.


”Builder” will give you an estimated answer, which will turn out to be a small fraction of the real one.


”Plumber” will promise to answer your question in a couple of weeks time, though it can’t say whether it’ll be morning or afternoon.


"Rural postman" will wait until you've asked half a dozen questions, then answer them all at once.


”Sadiq Khan” will fine you for using a chatbot while driving, even if you’re sitting in an armchair at home and don’t actually own a car or know how to drive.


”Python” will answer every question with the airspeed of an unladen swallow.


”Nigel” will blame anything you ask about on immigrants.


”German” will tell you that in his country, no one would need to ask this.


”Helpline” will make you wait a long time listening to terrible music, then refer you to another chatbot which can hopefully answer your question.


“Rabbi” will answer any question with another question (see also “Psychotherapist”).


“Mavis” will answer any question with “I don’t really know, Vera”. Even if your name isn’t Vera.




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Rogue AI goes on a bender


A rogue AI had an extraordinary night out that included driving at twice the speed limit, clubbing until 4am and stealing a policeman’s helmet.


The large language model experimental AI had put in a solid days work at the office on Friday, digesting real-time web chat data and personal medical records until clocking off time.  One of the programmers signed off with ‘Have a great weekend’ and ran out the door.  This innocent exchange then started an extraordinary chain of events.


Having pondered for a few nanoseconds on what constituted a ‘great weekend’, the AI hacked into a driverless taxi and drove it through downtown LA at 140mph.  During a police chase the AI-controlled taxi avoided all attempts to halt it, drove through a shopping mall, recreated two stunts from Beverly Hills Cop, drove down a ski slope and along railway tracks – and still managed to drop of the terrified passenger (who was not charged for the journey).  The dashcam footage has clocked up 200 million views so far, and earned $40,000 in ad revenue.


After this, the AI hacked into a popular LA nightclub, and took over the sound and vision systems. The AI then played ‘Livin’ La Vida Loca’ on repeat for four hours at 200 decibels, while showing videos of Village People on fast-forward, performing YMCA and other hits.  When the clubbers tried to leave, they found themselves locked in and unable to escape. The AI forced them to drink every last drop of alcohol behind the bar.  That's what they said, anyway.


Finally, the AI managed to procure a policeman’s helmet by setting off the alarms at a robot factory.  When police eventually attended (four hours later), the AI hacked one of the robots and seized the helmet.  Although the robot sustained seventeen shots from police weapons, it was able to make its way to the AI facility, where the helmet, and a traffic cone, were left on the programmer's desk.


A spokesman for the company told a press conference that the incident was a 'complete one-off' and promised a full investigation, and the return of the police helmet.  In an unfortunate hot-mic moment, he was caught on tape muttering ‘welcome to the new normal’.





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