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A village shop has been damaged in an attempted burglary. Following a report of men acting suspiciously with a sheep, Surrey Police despatched officers to the Co-op in Rowledge.


A passing shepherd witnessed the attack. He described a black SUV that stopped outside the store late at night. Two men in hoodies emerged from the vehicle, with a Boreray Blackface ram. The men then used the ram in an unsuccessful attempt to open the shop’s front door, but fled the scene, empty-handed.


Surrey Police spokesperson Russell Slaughter said, ‘Our working theory is that two local villains have attempted to use AI to plan their ram raid, with disastrous consequences. We are appealing to the Boreray Blackface to turn itself in and to grass up the other members of the gang. The ram may have been trafficked from the Orkneys in a small boat, and we believe that it was probably coerced into taking part.


‘We would also like to interview the two men about the theft of RAM from a computer store last week, as we believe that the two crimes may be related.'



Image credit: Wix AI



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After a modest success in promoting the phrase ‘Super Intelligence’ as a replacement for Artificial Intelligence, Donald Trump is set to test the sycophancy of his faithful by renaming ‘bread’ as ‘bakey goodness’.


‘They love me like they love Jesus’, Trump might have said. ‘And Jesus tested his disciples by playing dead. I’m not dead. They keep trying but The Donald won’t die. And if he does, he will rise again. From this day forward let us never use the word ‘bread’ again. Let’s call it what it is: bakey goodness’


The Lord’s Prayer will be replaced by The American Lord’s Prayer, which now includes the line: ‘And give us this day our daily bakey goodness’.


Pope Leo was unavailable for comment. He was last seen buying a sniper rifle and muttering ‘let’s see how tough his ears really are’.




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It has been announced that AI has discovered all jokes and there are no new humorous phrases or actions left.


All humour is now just Gemini copies of a Claude version of a Co-pilot reproduction of a racist Grok comment.

AI has absorbed all the internet, been fed books and watched all of the Chuckle Brother’s work. As the last book of 1001 dad jokes was scanned and shredded, AI stated that comedy is now complete.


Any phrases in comments sections or in your “encrypted” personal texts that has a laughing emoji or the word lol after it have been fed into The Algorithm. It then exponentially extrapolates into all possible versions to ensure that maximum comedy has been actualised. It is now creating quantum comedy, which is both funny and not funny at the same time, like how people view Mrs Brown's Boys. Apart from the funny half.


It is now literally impossible for the puny fleshy sentient meat bags to create any original material, as all possible versions of all possible comedy have been created. Full content has been provided; there is no more.

The last ever original joke was Trump trying to rename AI as Super Intelligence.




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