Sir Graham Brady seeks internet advice about his phone

The word on the street is that the Chair of the 1922 Committee has spent much of the day on the Internet trying to find out how to stop his phone beeping every time a Tory MP emails to tell him they have no confidence in the PM.

His secretary attempted trying to turn notification sounds off, but unfortunately ended up changing the notification sound to Boris Bop and somehow turning the volume up to full. Neither of them know how this happened, or how to reset the phone without him losing all his contacts. Apple has offered to assist, but they're asking for more than the national debt to do it.

Every text comes with several more, asking if he'd received the original, and inbetween this, the phone is continually ringing with calls from the whips, demanding to know how close Sir Graham is to the 54 letters.

We called Graham Brady to check on the veracity of this story and get a comment from him, but regret we are unable to publish his comment due to legal obscenity restrictions.

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Computer hacker 'spoofs' Conservative Party 1922 Committee inbox

A devious computer hacker has set up an account called VoteOfNoConfidence@1922_Committee.co.uk which looks all genuine and everything. Known in hackerworld as a 'spoof', Conservative politicians have been duped into submitting their votes of no confidence in Prime Minister Boris Johnson to this email address.

'Tories are notoriously lazy,' said the unnamed hacker. 'They just can't be arsed to do anything for anyone else, never mind follow the official submission process of delivering a printed letter on officially headed paper by hand to the Chairman of the 1922 Committee on bended knee with bowed head while revealing a nipple and tickling his exposed testicle.'

'What I have done is create a method which is so simple and easy to do that even self-absorbed right-wing MPs might actually get around to it, rather than staving off doing anything by insisting they need to wait for the results of Sue Gray's next urine test.

'The account only required 54 votes of no confidence, but there were already over 300 in there this morning. The best bit is that Boris Johnson has been constantly badgering the Chairman about the numbers; they are both certain it's only 2 and there's nothing to worry about, but Johnson is spaff up the wall when I reveal the true amount.'

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Deranged Tory whip holds MP's family hostage

Frothing heavily at the mouth and staring wild-eyed around the room, a deranged Conservative whip today threatened a wavering backbencher that he had better not call for the Prime Minister’s resignation if he hopes to see his family alive and well again.

“I’m holding your family in a secure location whose whereabouts are known only to me. If you know what’s good for you, you won’t write to Graham Brady,” raged the whip, as he suffocated the poor MP in a variation of the sleeper hold. “You think you’re suffering now, but just you wait. Dare to undermine the PM and I’ll introduce you and your loved ones to a whole new world of pain.”

Spreading out a smorgasbord of arcane weaponry on his parliamentary office desk, the enforcer reminded the junior politician of his responsibilities as a representative of the Conservative Party, which apparently consist entirely of kowtowing to Boris no matter how reprehensible his behaviour.

“You want your kids to see the light of day again, I presume?” he pondered, lovingly handling a 16th century iron mace. “Then there shall be no contact with the 1922 committee, no self-serving statements on Twitter, no oblique references to despots in parliament, and definitely no interviews with Radio 4.”

The sophisticated whipping operation in the House of Commons is now so extensive that Number 10 has surveillance on all backbenchers’ homes and tracking chips installed in their entire family’s necks, the MP was informed.

On being shown a picture of a hired goon lurking outside his front door, the MP quickly agreed that his concerns about Mr Johnson’s behaviour were overblown.

“Hell hath no fury like a Prime Minister scorned,” chuckled Boris Johnson, cracking his knuckles.

“This isn’t blackmail or coercion,” denied the whip’s office. “It’s far, far worse than that.”

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