Johnson’s letter of no confidence in whoever his successor is

Boris Johnson is apparently spending his last moments in power swigging from a half empty bottle of champagne, putting whoopee cushions all over 10 Downing Street, hiding bits of uncooked fish behind radiators and taking a shit in a cupboard. He has also written a letter of no confidence in whoever his successor is to give to Graham Brady as soon as the “winner” is announced.

Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst said ‘The letter does have a few wine glass stains and some of last night’s lamb bhuna on it. All Boris needs is the name of the person he doesn’t have confidence in so he can scrawl it in crayon. Soon there'll be another leadership election and – I’m quoting him directly here – he can “reclaim the reigns of the chariot of power, in this, the new Jerusalem. What ho!”.’

Child Scribbles Drawing - Free photo on Pixabay

Next PM is responsible for Larry's cat litter tray, says Johnson

Another terrible smell is permeating through the corridors of power: Larry the Downing Street cat's overflowing litter tray.

Caretaker Prime Minister, part-time scarecrow and full time oxygen thief, Boris Johnson, is refusing to make a decision on emptying Larry's litter tray, saying that it is the responsibility of the next Tory Leader and he doesn't want to "step on any toes".

Sadly, he's been stepping on a lot more as there are now clumps all over the kitchen floor. Johnson admits that he could clean it up and replace the kitty litter, but that's not the point. 'It's not my role to clean up cat poo, mop floors and open windows,' he told reporters.

Candidates to be the UK's next worst Prime Minister, Rishi Sunak and Liz Truss have agreed in principle to have a meeting about the situation but are both remaining tight-lipped about how to solve the issue before September's leadership vote.

A spokesperson for Sunak told us that £4 billion will be set aside to look into this issue and Liz Truss is claiming that it's probably some foreign cats who have been creeping in and crapping in the tray.

In the meantime, Larry has been using the flower beds in the gardens of Number 11.

Johnson Creates Two New Regulators -OffHead and OffT*ts - In Whitehall Shake-up

It has been announced that two new wholly independent regulatory bodies are to be established, in the public interest. The Office of Hospitality, Enjoyment and Alcoholic Drinks (OffHead) will have a broad remit and terms of reference. It will have responsbility for both quality - no rubbish plonk at official gatherings - and value for money, e.g. are extra discounts available from selected retailers for bulk purchasing of 3 suitcases or more.

OffHead will have a partner authority whose surprise appointment as Chief is Michael Gove. With a similar public exposure, this Regulator of Tonics, Intemperance, Thrills and Stimulants (OffTits) will be in good hands. And noses. It will focus on solid results, as opposed to the liquid assets of OffHead.

A spokesman for No.10 Downing Street commented, "The Prime Minister is well aware of public disquiet regarding the recent Sue Gray report, and the appalling behaviour by junior staff who should have known better. The creation of these two authorities will ensure that in future everyone understands what is required for the good of the Party. And a good Party will mean we are all subject to OffHeads and OffTits checks throughout. Now, please, I think what people wish us to do is move on from this. Yeah, move on. I'm gonna move, move on down the line. Wanna get some love, a love that's truly fine. Oh I'm gonna show you a-way so hot, I'm gonna get what you ain't got ... <deep sniff> I'm sorry, could you repeat that question?"

Image: Pixabay/Mrskirstyholl