Science/Business 3/0

Billionaire avoids tax SHOCK

Oct 13

Undercover reporters have suggested that Deloitte may have helped Roman Ambramovich falsify tax returns, which is like saying you have found out that he does not keep his money under a mattress. Nothing is surprising about this case. It is like being bewildered that he has a team of lawyers, following the other revelation that fish inhabit the sea.

This is in keeping with headlines such as – ‘Billionaire caught owning a yacht the size of a medium-sized democracy. Neighbours stunned’, ‘Magnat revealed to have a personal chef. Investigators still examining whether water is wet’ and ‘Uber-rich avoid flying economy class. Inquiry expected to last several seconds.’

Said one accountant, ‘This is a tax evader caught trying to make more money. How do you think they got to be a billionaire in the first place? And in a related development, bears have again been observed in woodland areas.’

Image by Grok

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Whisky producers release reserves to help ease pain of diesel prices

MartinH

Oct 6

The W4 nations of whisky producers have agreed to release some of their strategic reserves. This should keep prices down, helping more consumers to numb the pain of extortionate diesel prices.

Scotland, Ireland, the US, and Canada made the announcement this week following threats of export bans which could have led to problems on world markets, where prices have been rising steadily.

‘Even Aldi’s budget whisky costs over £15 a litre now; at this rate it will soon be cost-effective to convert my diesel car to run on the stuff,' said someone who didn’t actually realise that whilst a petrol engine can theoretically run on whisky, a diesel one cannot, although the argument did sound plausible in the pub after a couple of pints.

Views across Scotland were mixed. Some felt that countries stopping whisky exports would ultimately damage their economies. Others said that it’s a travesty that anyone apart from the Scots is even allowed to make the stuff.

'A spokesman for the government said, ‘We’d love everyone to buy more whisky and less diesel. A mere 45% of what someone pays for diesel goes in tax, whereas with whisky it’s a whopping 85%.’

Image credit: ChatGPT

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AI has discovered all jokes and comedy has now been completed

BillClay

Oct 3

It has been announced that AI has discovered all jokes and there are no new humorous phrases or actions left.

All humour is now just Gemini copies of a Claude version of a Co-pilot reproduction of a racist Grok comment.

AI has absorbed all the internet, been fed books and watched all of the Chuckle Brother’s work. As the last book of 1001 dad jokes was scanned and shredded, AI stated that comedy is now complete.

Any phrases in comments sections or in your “encrypted” personal texts that has a laughing emoji or the word lol after it have been fed into The Algorithm. It then exponentially extrapolates into all possible versions to ensure that maximum comedy has been actualised. It is now creating quantum comedy, which is both funny and not funny at the same time, like how people view Mrs Brown's Boys. Apart from the funny half.

It is now literally impossible for the puny fleshy sentient meat bags to create any original material, as all possible versions of all possible comedy have been created. Full content has been provided; there is no more.

The last ever original joke was Trump trying to rename AI as Super Intelligence.

Image: Alexandra_Koch - Pixabay

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