US decides it is now uninterested in Greenland because it has 'got smaller'

The UN General Assembly voted to replace the 16th Century Mercator world map with one that more accurately reflects the actual size of actual places. The Mercator map depicts Africa as similar in size to Greenland, even though it is 14 times larger.

Although most members voted to support the resolution, there were six abstentions. Only one country, geography specialists the USA, voted against the resolution.

When later asked why that was the case, United States Ambassador to the United Nations, Mike Waltz, said, 'I got a call from the US State Department, from Marco Rubio himself. The President isn't very happy that Greenland could be reduced in size as a result of this vote, so I was instructed to vote against.

'The United States needs Greenland to remain the size it is. If it gets smaller as a result of this vote, then we are no longer interested in buying it.'

When pressed if that meant that US international expansion had been stopped, Mr Waltz hesitated to continue: 'Well, uh, Africa starts and ends with the same letters as America does, so that means that... I'm almost embarrassed to say this, but, well, uh, America wants to buy Africa.

'Now if you'll excuse me, I need to wear a paper bag over my head and go sit in a small closet in a locked, darkened room. Come get me when it's over.'

Image: Kyle Glenn (@kylejglenn) | Unsplash Photo Community

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2027 declared “hottest year on record”

There was egg on the faces of Met Office officials today when it accidentally announced that next year “was” the hottest on record.

“Obviously this was a mistake,” said Sir Bufton Tufton, Head of Teabags at the agency. “The system’s set up to release this announcement every year, but not until the end of the year. Even saying it on the first day of September is a bit premature, let alone for the following year.”

“Then again,” chimed in Sir Tufton Bufton, Head of Cabbage, “It’s not as if there’s any doubt we’re going to say it. No one’s exactly on tenterhooks. So we may as well just say it, then get a few rounds of golf in before the weather changes. The actual weather I mean, not the version we publish.”

Image: photo-graphe - Pixabay

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El Niño finally caught

The notorious El Niño, thought to be responsible for death and destruction all over the world, has finally been apprehended, law enforcement officials confirmed today.

However, lawyers for the infamous weather system have protested it’s being unfairly blamed for a whole slew of unrelated events that couldn’t possibly have a single cause.

”I mean, come on - flooding here, drought there, a hurricane somewhere else… how can these all be the fault of my client, when witnesses confirm it was in the eastern Pacific the whole time?

”Quite frankly - and it gives me no pleasure to say this - but you have to wonder whether these accusations would even be made if my client went by the English name “little boy” instead of its Spanish equivalent.”

However, this had the unfortunate side effect of reminding people that “little boy” was the codename of the Hiroshima bomb, inadvertently giving critics even more destruction they could blame on the hapless meteorological phenomenon.

Meanwhile politicians, ever on the lookout for a way to shift the blame for their own failures, were said to be looking seriously at the possibilities.

”It can take the rap for all the wildfires obviously, avoid awkward questions about forest management, brush clearance, maintenance of proper firebreaks etc… maybe also for the sewage in our rivers, since that’s caused by flooding… any chance we could also blame it for ordering PPE from incompetent idiots just because they’d given a fortune to the party?”

Image: File:Strong El Niño Continues (NESDIS 2015-11-12).png - Wikimedia Commons

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