Trump gives order for Artemis II rocket to be fired at Tehran

US President Donald Trump has given the go-ahead for the Artemis II rocket to be fired at buildings in the centre of Tehran thought to be harbouring high ranking Iranian officials.

Trump posted a message on Truth Social late last night denying the rocket was ever sent on a space-flight mission to orbit the moon and was actually packed with high-explosive unitary warheads aimed at levelling the Iranian capital.

Astronauts on Artemis II had earlier raised concerns about a problem with the plumbing aboard the $93 billion rocket saying they thought the big barrel under the bathroom sink marked with a skull & crossbones was just toilet duck for flushing the S bend and were horrified to find out it was in fact a bomb intended to flush out the supreme leader in Tehran.

Trump was bemused at criticism over his comments saying he thought everyone outside of the NASA bubble was in on the ruse.

‘Come on…..a Canadian, a woman, a man of colour and someone from a Democrat voting state…..did you really think the rocket was sent into orbit so that a bunch of losers could fly around the moon just to take selfies of the earth….give me a break you pussy’.

image by Grok

Artemis II unable to fake moon landing

Nasa has conceded that their latest spacecraft is unable to go where the Apollo missions went, which is a soundstage somewhere in the Nevada desert. Said one scientist, 'We conveniently lost all the original data, alongside who shot JFK. This means we cannot replicate the fake flag and questionable photography, instead we are forced to actually visit the Moon-which is the one thing the aliens asked us not to do.”

Fifty years since the original fake landing, we now forced to pretend that our technology is worse than the 70s-which is only true when talking about Prog Rock. We are now expected to believe that Artemis will have 41 minutes of communication blackout, while Richard Nixon was able to order pizza from Apollo 11 using two papercups connected by string.

Instead Artemis II will do a quick lap of the moon, ignoring all the otherworldly cities made from cheese. The return flight will be fairly straight forward once North America lines up with them, which is less complicated now that we know the Earth is flat. 'Thank goodness we launched on April 1st.'

image by Grok

US Forces seize Easter Bunny

Donald Trump has announced that US Forces have captured the Easter Bunny at an unknown location and transported him to New York, for trial.

The Easter Bunny stands accused of un-American acts. These acts include 

• Going against government initiatives to Make America Healthy Again and are related to the unauthorised and unregulated distribution of foodstuffs, notably chocolate

• Promotion of food products containing ingredients not grown in America, including cocoa

• Unauthorised dumping of foodstuff and other detritus in a public place, relating to the wanton abandonment of foil wrapped eggs in parks, gardens and municipal property

The President has said that the operation against the Easter Bunny and his evil regime was a total, massive, huge success and that Americans have been saved from the expensive, subversive and unhealthy influence of a vast organised criminal conspiracy.

US Forces are also reported to be seizing Easter Eggs and other chocolate goods from stores. These will, apparently, be ‘put beyond use’. This will happen swiftly, and no trace of the contraband chocolate goods will remain after Easter Sunday.

The President has criticised neighbouring countries, allies, enemies, Europeans and penguins on the Marshall Islands for not supporting the US action. He said that everyone ‘talked a good story about taking out the Easter Bunny’, but when it came to the crunch, they had all melted away.

image by grok