Stand off over baked potatoes

The government and M&S are at loggerheads over the price of baked potatoes.

The government sees baked potatoes as a staple food and wants supermarkets to keep prices low, to ease the cost of living permacrisis.

M&S sees their premium range gastropub Heston's Favourite super-indulgent baked potatoes as a luxury item. 'Yes,' said a spokesman, 'they ARE twenty pounds each. But it's not JUST a jacket potato...

'To be serious,' he continued, 'our profit margin on these jacket potatoes is wafer thin. You'd think potatoes were cheap, but our wastage rate is 97% because we will only accept the very best. And each jacket is individually curated in its own protective traylet, and served with precisely 57 baked beans (don't ask) and 24 grammes of artisan cheddar.

'Contrary to the nonsense on TikTok, we do NOT buy our cheese from Lidl.

'We have to pay for wages, packaging, curation, social media, authentic potato smell, wastage, shoplifting, dividends, taxes, political donations, and executive pay. It all adds up.'

A government spokesman said, 'Yeah, right. Spuds are 50p a kilogramme retail, so a jacket potato should only cost 10p max. Twenty pound potatoes are seriously buggering up our inflation figures. If M&S won't play ball and cut their prices, then our only option will be to take the cost of vegetables out of the inflation calculations completely. We'll replace them with own brand instant noodles, as they are really cheap. Then we'll have the cost of living permacrisis properly under control.'

image by Google Gemini

This weekend UK will be hotter than the sun

The UK has gone into hot weather hysteria as excitement builds towards this weekend’s hot spell. It began on Thursday evening when Tomasz Schafernaker was rushed to hospital muttering “80 centigrade, 80 centigrade, that’s unheard of”. Darren Bett was spotted frying an egg on the bonnet of his BMW and Helen Willetts cast aside her normally calm and measured demeanour to declare that next week the UK will be hotter than the sun.

Of course, there is a serious side to these unusual weather episodes. When the temperature tops 100 degrees Celsius cattle are liable to evaporate, while rising sea temperatures have meant the Reformberg in the Arctic is on the move and is expected to slide into Makerfield in mid-June, depending on traffic. The UK will also experience its first ‘flameicane’, which is like a hurricane but with fire instead of wind, great for barbecues though keep your distance.

There are fun events too. In London the BBC’s Louise Lear and Sarah Keith Lucas will be among guests at Stav Danos’ place for My Big Fat Greek Weather Forecast, to which all viewers are invited. It promises to be quite a party. Bring on the high pressure, yay!

imge from pixabay

Trump calls off Tube strikes at last minute

"We were going to carry out massive strikes across the London Underground network, like you'd never believe," messaged Donald Trump on his social media platform Deceit Hostile.

"We were going to use bunker busting bombs on the Bakerloo line and knock it right back to the Stone Age.

"But my generals took one look at the intelligence images of Embankment station and told me it's pretty much in the Stone Age as it is.

"So we'll be holding talks with the unions about enrichment. I'll be telling my minion Starmer to enrich the train drivers as much as they like, with the passengers paying the cost through higher fares. That's always worked in the past.

"People are also saying to me: 'Sir, will you manage to re-open the Strait of Hainault to allow transit through to Theydon Bois and Barking?'

"We'll see, but why not? This whole venture of mine in the Middle East End of London has been totally barking, anyway."

image from Grok