Amazon launches submarine delivery service – Amazon Slime

Amazon has launched a submarine delivery service following a widely publicised photo shoot on the Essex mudflats. The service, Amazon Slime, will use a fleet of specially adapted Amazonphibious vans that can avoid tax at depths of up to a thousand metres and can emerge from the water and take to the road.

Amazon Slime’s marketing director Nat Nautilus said: “This has been in development for some time and we’re delighted to formally announce this enhancement of our existing Prime service. With traffic on our motorways at unprecedented levels we’re discovering that the coastal route is often quicker.”

Where possible the adapted vans can also use the UK’s river network to make their deliveries. As news has spread crowds now line the banks of the River Severn to see Amazon Slime vans surf the Severn Bore. Local historian and Severn bore, Nigel Jones, sets this in historical context, although people have usually left by then.

Image: WixAI

Race against time to stop 'Bad Lego'

Toy makers are racing to dismantle criminal gangs selling 'Bad Lego' – construction kits that allow aficionados to build upsetting scenes or to recreate terrible events from Lego bricks. Investigators have recovered, for example, kits to build the executions by guillotine during the French Revolution, a model of the Auschwitz concentration camp, and a scale model of Epstein island.

Denmark's Lego sales help it to avoid having to sell Greenland to Orange Face.

'Lego bricks are supposed to be a positive way to stimulate children's imagination,' said a spokesman. 'Bad Lego threatens all of that. It upsets our customers and damages the brand.'

'Bad Lego isn't new. People shared their perverted work on bulletin boards in the eighties. At the start, it was naive stuff, like making Hitler's face out of black and white bricks – not much different from typing it out with X and O characters. But now it's very sophisticated. We found real Lego pirates from a Peter Pan set had been repurposed in an unauthorised 'Somali pirates' set. And the packaging was convincing and looked authentic. People are making a lot of money out of this, and it's not us.'

'Many custom scenes are made for, and bought by, dictators, drug lords and crime bosses. It's considered a mark of success if you can ask your fellow crims round to see your Alien Chest Burst Lego display, or debauched scenes at Royal Lodge, or a reconstruction of the Novichok poisoning in Salisbury. We've even found a Dark Lego Superstore on the dark web – their slogan is 'Everything is Awful'. That's a copyright violation right there.

'So we're asking people not to buy unauthorised Lego sets. And we're working with online sellers to close down this evil trade. We want to return Lego to its right place – selling £200 Lego sets to overprivileged kids who get too much pocket money.'

Image: kirill_makes_pics - Pixabay

NewsBiscuit Car Review: Kemi Torileda

The American influence is obvious, and a reliance on out of date thinking and an appeal to a narrowing market has a led to this mess. Multiple poor iterations have resulted in a massive loss of power with still extremely high running costs.

The current Torileda has a Kemi made block which only appeals to those who like to put their foot down.

It just doesn’t suit the current environment and is rejected by most European countries. It is ridiculous to think that cutting yourself off from an entire continental market and focusing on a small fan base would be good for long term profitability. To go with a platform that is hugely oil consuming and to dismiss renewable energy powered alternatives, could gift a whole market to China.

For a brand with a long history of success, things have fallen flat because of how wasteful they has been and just catering to the high-end market. This principle was big a few decades ago and they have now seemed to mainly rely on name recognition since then rather than any outstanding performance or innovation. The last few years saw multiple Torileda versions, each one with serious failings calling on multiple embarrassing recalls. The short-lived TR-SS edition was an absolute disaster. The latest version is a lot quieter and stable but still fairly unappealing.

When tested, the automatic response is predictable but doesn’t engage very well. This particular version has lost its traditional support and upcoming UK alternatives have more traction, which could be troubling.

Overall is has juddering, poor performance along with a shoddy reliability record.

Pros

Good for the oil industry

Could be beneficial if you are rich

Cons

Not very responsive and direction feels wobbly

Hated brand with poor support

An improvement, but still way out of touch ✭✩✩✩✩