Cinema to trial “playing off” long, self-indulgent films

The tendency of actors to use awards ceremonies as a platform for long self-indulgent speeches has long been the bane of TV producers trying to prevent the show overrunning.

Repeat offender Adrien Brady spoke for seemingly several hours after winning 2025’s Best Actor Oscar for his role in The Brutalist, thanking everyone he ever met as well as setting out his philosophy of life, the universe and everything.

“He even shared some favourite recipes at one point,” said one veteran Oscars watcher. “Though to be honest, I may have nodded off and dreamed that bit.”

“It was exactly like the film,” said Dave Acrylic, manager of the Vue Multiplex cinema in Hanworth. “It carried on long after you’d got the point it was trying to make, and in the end just got tedious.

”Which made me think, why not just ‘play off’ any film that outstays its welcome by just rolling the closing credits?”

He added that he hadn’t yet worked out exactly when this would be for every film, though in the case of The Brutalist he thought “probably about the beginning of the third day.”

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Trump to replace gold in Fort Knox with Bitcoin

President Trump has announced his plans to make America the ‘Crypto Capital’ of the world, by removing all the ‘bulky, heavy, not very nice’ gold from Fort Knox and replace it with ‘modern’ cryptocurrencies.

‘I asked a Harvard professor how much crypto you could store in those vaults’ said Trump, ‘ and he said it was an interesting question. He’d never been asked that question before. I guess that makes me smarter than all his students.

‘We’re gonna clear out all that gold and melt it into statues to brighten up America’.

Fort Knox holds almost 5 thousand tons of gold, which Trump says will be enough to make ’10 or so’ full-sized replicas of himself.

‘Any leftover gold can be swapped for the Trump crypto coin at very good rates. Very good rates’, Trump told reporters, whilst sketching out plans for a solid gold yacht.

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Inverness Airport Lighting Upgrade Just New Torch

Auditors are questioning the £4 million bill to upgrade runway lighting at Inverness airport, as a forensic examination of invoices shows the only thing bought was a new torch.

"Aye, we'll admit that sounds expensive," said lead project manager Iona Ferrari, "but what you have to consider are bigger picture things like logistics costs. This torch is aerospace-grade, which doesn't come cheap, and we had to buy the batteries from WH Smith, as there's nowhere else open on the High Street anymore, and we weren't allowed to get Amazon Prime."

The airport is now advertising a role standing at the end of the runway flashing the torch at approaching aircraft. The successful applicant will be needed six days a week, eleven months a year. The month off is around the summer solstice, when aircraft can successfully navigate thanks to the giant wicker man burning on the airport's land.

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