WW3 postponed due to ban on Arabic numerals

As US President Donald Trump personally deploys bunker busting bombs on Iran by leaning out of a B2 bomber, critics who claim he is kick-starting the next World War have been told it isn't true.

'I have signed an Executive Order today banning the numbers used in World Wars belonging to the United States as historically the losers who named them used Arabic numerals. Hence I have insisted that this big, beautiful World War I have started bigly is to be numbered in American numerals. Nobody can start a World War better than me,' added the President.

Experts have tried pointing out that historically Roman numerals have frequently been used, such as World War I and World War II. 'This would make it World War III,' pointed out one expert. An Executive Order banning the use of either 4 or IV after the words 'World War' is considered entirely unnecessary.

Photo by Karl Callwood on Unsplash

Britain to Run Out of Beer Before Suncream

With the UK in the grip of a mini heatwave and temperatures peaking this weekend, supermarkets report they are running low on typical hot weather items such as beer and ice cream. However, stocks of suncream remain plentiful.

"People need to respect the sun," consultant dermatologist Lucy Whitehead told us. "In Australia, they had great success with their 'slip, slop, slap' campaign. When we tried that here, a lot of men just thought we were describing a good Saturday night out. Brits think they can't get sunburn in the UK, like there's some form of special sunlight here that is made by St George or something, which explains the smell of roast pork mixed with aloe vera every time I visit Sainsbury's."

Outside a Sainsbury's in Basildon, several lobster-toned men are planning for the weekend by filling cars with crates of drinks and bags of barbequeable meat, but UV protection is nowhere to be seen. "It's not like Spanish sun, you don't burn like you do there," one medium-rare gentleman told us. "My uncle never wore anything to protect him; not in 1976, not any day he worked outside, and not when he got diagnosed with melanoma in his 50's. If it gets a bit much, I just have a dunk in the paddling pool and I'm right as rain. Besides, it all turns to tan a few days later and I get a healthy bronze glow. It's also good for my eczema, I'm hoping it'll help this red patch on my arm that's really uncomfortable and just won't go away."

image from pixabay

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Scientists train AI to predict Trump's next move

Scientists at the Institute for Extreme Intelligence in Switzerland have trained a LLM (Large Language Model) to predict President Trump's behavior. They have had remarkable success in accurately predicting his next move, which runs counter to many peoples' view that Trump is utterly unpredictable.

After validating the predictions over the last two months they were astonished at how accurate the LLM had become. "We saw a 98% correspondence between the LLM's predictions and Trump's own actions" they said. The model has real implications for use in financial trading, where it can be used by traders and investors to avoid being stung by sudden swings in the stock markets.

The potential value of the software, however, may have been undercut by something they asked the LLM to do. "It functions like a very intelligent chatbot" they said "So we thought, why not ask it, how do you make these predictions so accurately?" Unfortunately, its answer may have given the game away, meaning the financial world can make the predictions themselves, without buying a license for the LLM.

When they asked about the basis for the predictions, it answered simply: "Within his political and legal constraints, using misleading words, he will do whatever is in Putin's best interests."

image from pixabay

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