Man realises life is a side quest

Jordan Hubbard (32) received a work email on Christmas day, reminding him to get back to the office for his main quest. In no uncertain terms his boss explained that Jordan had got distracted by family and the unfamiliar concept of happiness. After all, his employer said: "If you want to level up, focus on the loot reward. But don't expect a boss fight at the end."

While sitting at the Christmas table urgent orchestral music kicked in, informing Jordan that his destiny was elsewhere. The turkey started glitch‑nagging, saying “You should really get back to the main road.” All these portents were complemented by an email entitled – "Main Quest: Still waiting for you. Anytime. No rush. It’s only the fate of the world."

Jordan was philosophical – "Bit of a coincidence,” he muttered, turning around to go do the thing the developers wanted him to do all along. He just couldn't get rid of the nagging feeling that he wasn’t the hero of the quests, he was just an NPC.

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Reform Ltd to encourage Grift Aid

Subscribers to the hate outlet store that doubles as one of Nigel Farage's pensions have decided that MBHA (Making Britain Hate Again) is essentially a charity, not a political movement.

'Sure, we have political leanings,' said a spokesman for Reform Ltd today, 'but we clearly don't take that part seriously.  Check out Nigel's surgeries in Clacton, for example.  Or his appearances in Parliament.  We exist to ensure Nigel has enough money to put food on the table - his table , definitely not your average or sub-average Reform voter's table - and to ensure he can retire whenever the situation looks like he might have to work for a living.

'We're looking at changing the registration for Reform to achieve charity status - with one beneficiary.  Our Nige, may he rest in tax haven.

'So, when you renew your Reform membership, if you are a UK tax payer (major donors can ignore this bit, obvs), please tick the Grift Aid box and we'll ensure that the taxpayer adds 25% to your donation.

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Rail regulator axes super-fast model railway service

Britain's only supersonic rail journey, taking commuters from Manchester to London Euston in under 10 minutes, has been cancelled by the Office of the Rail Regulator in next year's timetable changes.

The imaginary service, operated by 13-year-old Gavin Spectacles from Crewe on his Hornby OO-gauge train set, was axed after repeated pleas from his mum.

"He should be playing football across the road in the Rec instead of sitting in the attic watching them things go round and round," she said. "He's getting anaemic."

However, a Hornby spokes-locomotive lashed out at the rail regulator's decision, saying: "This is precisely the type of muddle-headed thinking in Whitehall which is destroying Britain's model railways - especially as Gavin had just placed a big order with us for a 1964 Diesel Multiple Unit and a cardboard model of Bristol Temple Meads station."

Gavin himself was unavailable for comment, saying he was busy guiding the 10.36 stopping service to Haslemere through Clapham Junction and that it would be "more than his job's worth" were there to be a snarl up.

There was some consolation for make-believe rail mogul Gavin when a public service recruiter offered him a senior position at the Department of Transport.

"Mr Spectacles is exactly the type of perverse, pettifogging nitwit who has headed up the civil service for the past two centuries and made Britain the country it is today," said the agent.

"He can join us as soon as he gets an Oxbridge degree in the most useless and irrelevant subject that they teach."

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