Trump calls off Tube strikes at last minute

"We were going to carry out massive strikes across the London Underground network, like you'd never believe," messaged Donald Trump on his social media platform Deceit Hostile.

"We were going to use bunker busting bombs on the Bakerloo line and knock it right back to the Stone Age.

"But my generals took one look at the intelligence images of Embankment station and told me it's pretty much in the Stone Age as it is.

"So we'll be holding talks with the unions about enrichment. I'll be telling my minion Starmer to enrich the train drivers as much as they like, with the passengers paying the cost through higher fares. That's always worked in the past.

"People are also saying to me: 'Sir, will you manage to re-open the Strait of Hainault to allow transit through to Theydon Bois and Barking?'

"We'll see, but why not? This whole venture of mine in the Middle East End of London has been totally barking, anyway."

image from Grok

Security warning about bogus roadworks

MI5 have flagged a serious security threat from bogus roadmenders.

The service has noted over a dozen incidents where roadworks were carried out, but were not authorised by the local council, and were not traceable to a recognised utility company. The roadmenders vans often bear the names of genuine companies and claims to be working as subcontractors for legitimate companies, or for Thames Water. The signage, the traffic cones, and the complete absence of any work happening, make the bogus roadworks look very convincing.

In one case, strategically placed roadworks - and horrendous queues of traffic - were used to prevent the police from getting to a bank raid in time, and to allow the robbers to escape

MI5 believes that hostile actors, and roadmenders, may be interfering with Britain's utilities, installing devices that slow down broadband, syphon off electricity or clog up sewage systems. And they also use badly sequenced temporary traffic lights to mess up the transport system, with the aim of crippling the economy.

A spokesman said, 'It can be hard to tell bogus roadworks from the real thing. The telltale signs are slow broadband, potholes, sewage overflows, power cuts, poorly mended roads, and the smell of gas. Of course, sometimes these issues are the result of genuine incompetence, but we would encourage people to always call 999, just in case.'

image from pixabay

Biologists discover irremovable crustacean called Keir Starmacle

From NewsBiscuit special correspondent herculepoisson

Marine biologists have today found a new form of crustacean with unprecedented qualities of adhesion.

'What's unique about this creature is that it is a land-based barnacle,' said Professor Steve Simpson of the University of Plymouth. 'It seems to adhere to exclusive central London properties and then refuse, under any circumstances, to relinquish its grip and leave.'

The more common marine-based crustaceans are noted for their tendency to attach themselves to large shipping vessels, often causing significant drag and slowing the progress of everyone on board.

'There is no indication that the Keir Starmacle has ears and is swayed by outside noise,' continued Simpson. 'To all intents and purposes it appears utterly lifeless, but good luck removing the bugger.'

Concerned Whitehall residents are exploring all options to remove the unsightly crustacean, and this afternoon Wes Streeting and Andy Burnham were seen leaving a local Screwfix holding a high-powered pressure washer.

Author: herculepoisson

Image credit: perchance.org