Hubble Telescope hit hard by launch of bigger, shinier successor

Following the successful launch of the Nancy Grace Roman Space Telescope this week, NASA has confirmed that its predecessor, the Hubble Telescope is now obsolete.

Astronauts passing on the International Space Station say the news has hit Hubble hard. “It’s as if the spark has gone out of its life,” said one. “It’s just floating there, aimless”.

Another said: “The mirrors need cleaning for a start. “It’s as if it has given up now. It’s just kicking cans around the universe with its hands in its pockets. And you can forget SETI, the Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence. Hubble isn’t bothered anymore. SETI? It’s more like a settee and a six-pack.”

Numerous news reports have made the situation worse for Hubble. The BBC Science Correspondent Pallab Ghosh-is-it-as-big-as-that said: “The Nancy Grace Roman telescope will capture vast panoramic views of space, with a field of vision 100 times larger than Hubble. It will explore billions of galaxies, some of which may have planets with temperate atmospheres similar to our own.”

The telescope is named after physicist Nancy Grace Roman, who isn’t the girl with the weird name in your Year 10 class at school, that was Deidre Longbottom; no, Nancy Grace Roman was Nasa’s first chief astronomer in the 1960s and its first female executive.

Meanwhile, Hubble – named after Edwin Hubble, a US astronomer from the black-and-white era – is now heading to be known as ‘Whobble?’, as he joins the ranks of ‘Neets’, those pieces of space flotsam ‘Not in Education, Employment, or Telescopy’

Image: NASA Hubble Space Telescope - Hubble Space Telescope, Public Domain, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=70818886

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Kia urged to recall over invisibility cloak

Kia drivers have called on the Korean manufacturer to recall all of its models.

'The Cloak of Invisibility kicks in at the most inconvenient times,' said one Kia driver, identifying turning at junctions, driving on straight roads or just being parked by the shops as typical cloaking errors.

'It's as if other road users can't see me,' said another, admitting that would be the point of the cloak.

A Kia spokesman stated there was no need for a recall, mainly because a cloak of invisibility isn't fitted to any current models.

'It's not a Kia problem,' he said, 'it's primarily a BMW problem, in the steering wheel to seat interface.'

Image: DomPixabay

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El Beaño to cause havoc in UK

The UK is facing an unprecedented weather event involving catapults, stink bombs and banana skins.

Climatologists made the announcement after a group of boys who call themselves the Bash Street Kids were discovered floating on driftwood in the Pacific Ocean, together with a selection of catapults, two boxes of stink bombs and a wild dog who answers to the name ‘Gnasher’

The discovery, by scientists working on climate change scenarios, confirms what some have long suspected: the UK is facing an aggressive El Beaño that will threaten coastlines and infrastructure and even reach central London.

The BBC’s Climate Change Editor, Justin Rowlatt, said: “The El Beaño developing over the Pacific Ocean is likely to be the strongest for more than a century and make 2027 another record-breaking year for heat. Teachers already report an increase in misbehaviour among pupils as young bodies try to cope with the wild variations in weather.”

Out on the driftwood the group’s unofficial leader Dennis the Menace, dressed in a red-and-black striped jumper, gives an interview with a passing Disney cruise ship. Snow White and the children wave. “Got any sweets Miss?” Dennis cries. “Coo it’s hot. Some lollies would be totally blam. And a bone for Gnasher if you’ve got one.”

But the interview is cut short by Gnasher’s barking. A dark line on the horizon has made the dog’s hair stand on end. “Yikes! It’s a tsunami!” Dennis screams. “We did it in Geography. Oh no! The children!!”

“I’m on it!” yells a boy on the wreckage. He has a quiff that swishes as he speeds away. It’s Billy Whizz! With Bolt-like speed, Billy charges to the horizon and uses his quiff – don’t ask how – to direct the wave away from the ship.

And that, children, is why you must always brush your hair before you have breakfast.

image by Grok

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