Reform Ltd to encourage Grift Aid

Subscribers to the hate outlet store that doubles as one of Nigel Farage's pensions have decided that MBHA (Making Britain Hate Again) is essentially a charity, not a political movement.

'Sure, we have political leanings,' said a spokesman for Reform Ltd today, 'but we clearly don't take that part seriously.  Check out Nigel's surgeries in Clacton, for example.  Or his appearances in Parliament.  We exist to ensure Nigel has enough money to put food on the table - his table , definitely not your average or sub-average Reform voter's table - and to ensure he can retire whenever the situation looks like he might have to work for a living.

'We're looking at changing the registration for Reform to achieve charity status - with one beneficiary.  Our Nige, may he rest in tax haven.

'So, when you renew your Reform membership, if you are a UK tax payer (major donors can ignore this bit, obvs), please tick the Grift Aid box and we'll ensure that the taxpayer adds 25% to your donation.

image from pixabay

Rail regulator axes super-fast model railway service

Britain's only supersonic rail journey, taking commuters from Manchester to London Euston in under 10 minutes, has been cancelled by the Office of the Rail Regulator in next year's timetable changes.

The imaginary service, operated by 13-year-old Gavin Spectacles from Crewe on his Hornby OO-gauge train set, was axed after repeated pleas from his mum.

"He should be playing football across the road in the Rec instead of sitting in the attic watching them things go round and round," she said. "He's getting anaemic."

However, a Hornby spokes-locomotive lashed out at the rail regulator's decision, saying: "This is precisely the type of muddle-headed thinking in Whitehall which is destroying Britain's model railways - especially as Gavin had just placed a big order with us for a 1964 Diesel Multiple Unit and a cardboard model of Bristol Temple Meads station."

Gavin himself was unavailable for comment, saying he was busy guiding the 10.36 stopping service to Haslemere through Clapham Junction and that it would be "more than his job's worth" were there to be a snarl up.

There was some consolation for make-believe rail mogul Gavin when a public service recruiter offered him a senior position at the Department of Transport.

"Mr Spectacles is exactly the type of perverse, pettifogging nitwit who has headed up the civil service for the past two centuries and made Britain the country it is today," said the agent.

"He can join us as soon as he gets an Oxbridge degree in the most useless and irrelevant subject that they teach."

image from pixabay

Get ready to ride on Gordon Bennett Railways!

Dear happy commuters and supersaver ticket holders,

We in the Labour government are thrilled to unveil the exciting new name for Britain's renationalised train company. We'll be calling it Gordon Bennett Railways, because this mild expletive is what you're most likely to be muttering while on board, as in:

'Gordon Bennett, this train's fuller than a can of sardines.'

'Gordon Bennett, we've been waiting in this cutting outside Crewe for a sodding age.'

And: 'Gordon Bennett, the points have failed at Clapham Junction, and I'm going to be 20 minutes late for work again.'

We could have spent some taxpayers' money sorting out the problems at Crewe and Clapham Junction, but we blew it all on hiring an overpriced branding agency to come up with a new livery design for the locomotives.

They'll now be a lurid mess of red, white, blue and hi-viz yellow - flecked with dead leaves, graffiti and rust - which will have you exclaiming on the platform: 'Gordon Bennett, what a sodding eyesore.'

All aboard! Or, all a-bored! Which you will be, after waiting three hours for a train at Carlisle.

Image credit: stablediffusion.com