Doom 101

An Open Letter to anyone who agrees with me.

The world is on the cusp of annihilation and I feel this must be addressed.

All the world leaders are pre-occupied with their own personal agendas at the moment. Donald Trump is trying to expand the United Empire of America, Vladimir Putin is trying to expand the Soviet Reunion, Xi Jinping has given up trying to find a volcano in London for his base/embassy, so is building one instead, and Keir Starmer is on the latest leg of his Deer-Lost-In-The-Headlights tour. Which means that no one is paying any attention to the Doomsday Clock, the thing that encourages everyone to think about Armageddon.

The Doomsday Clock shows how close the world is to nuclear war, thus Armageddon, thus Doomsday. When it is set at 9 o’clock, everything is all rainbows and unicorns. When it hits 12, all life on earth goes to join the unicorns in the world of extinction. However, there are many issues with the Doomsday Clock.

1. It’s not a clock. It is one quarter of a clock, displaying 9, 10, 11, and 12. 'The Doomsday Quarter of a Clock' would be a better name.

2. The Doomsday Quarter of a Clock has no gubbins. It has no cogs, no pendulum, no ticky bits or tocky bits. It is just a quarter of a clock face. And it has only one hand. The hour hand.

3. The hand on the Doomsday Quarter of a Clock is moved by a person, which is FAR too much power for any one person to wield. What if they have turned up for work and somebody has stolen their parking space? What if they have overslept and haven’t had a proper cup of tea? What if they have had to drive aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall the way to work behind a ruddy cyclist?

So, bearing all of this in mind, here is my four-step plan to prevent the end of the world.

1. STOP MOVING THE HAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. Someone completely trustworthy should move the hand back down to 9 o’clock

3. Lock the Doomsday Quarter of a Clock in a box

4. Launch the box containing the Doomsday Quarter of a Clock at the sun.

This would allow life to go on. And to go on harmoniously.

Thank you

Yours in justifiable terror

Lord Cumber Humberland of Chumbawumberland (Sr)

Image credit: perchance.org edited in WIX

Driverless taxis to be trained in misogyny

News that driverless taxis are to be rolled out in the UK from September has met with concern from white van men and bus drivers that they might be the only true misogynists left on our roads.

‘It’s traditional, innit’ said Dave, a white van driver from Essex. ‘As much as I love cheering up the ladies with a cheery comment as I drive past, it won’t be the same if the taxis don’t honk their horns or shout something to, you know, reinforce the message’.

AI firms have been training driverless taxis in casual misogyny for months but admit that it’s a challenge.

‘One of our taxis shouted something inappropriate at an elderly woman’, a spokesman told us. ‘ She seemed pleased, to be honest, but it’s letting the side down. Even with advances in artificial intelligence, the concept of “munter” is surprisingly difficult to program’.

Driverless taxis will make the roads safer by taking actual taxi drivers off them.

Women’s groups have criticised the idea of training robots to abuse them in the street. Well they would, wouldn’t they? Probably lesbians or summat.

Image: wal_172619 - Pixabay

www.newsbiscuit.com

7 corporate buzzwords to try and avoid in 2026

You've made it through the first couple of weeks back at work after Christmas and New Year. Back at the coal face, picking off some low hanging fruits and regularly having lunch al desko to meet a hard deadline for a soft launch. But what meaningless corporate jargon will you have to endure throughout the rest of the year? Thankfully, Newsbiscuit has 'got in the weeds' and 'curated' the 'best of class' business buzzwords for 2026:  

'Shoulder to the wheel' - a phrase dating back to Aesop's fables, circa 550 BC. and the story of Hercules and the Wagoner. After the Wagoner's wagon gets stuck, Hercules implores him to put his shoulder to the wheel and start up his horses, as the good Lord helps those who help themselves. How appropriate it is, then, then Mike from sales, is using this historic phrase to convey to a meeting that he's spent all of 15 minutes using ChatGPT to help him put together a piss poor powerpoint presentation. 

'Skin in the Game' - are you Warren Buffett, looking for a phrase which gets across the importance for investors to have substantial personal risk in business ventures they are promoting? Or perhaps you play a lot of American sports, and are familiar with the complexities of skins scoring systems? No, thought not. So please don't use this to try and indicate that you have even the slightest interest in contributing even a paragraph of text to the interim report your team have to write for a client by 5pm today. 

'Proof of Concept' - are you designing a prototype for a space shuttle? Or building a bridge using innovative, more sustainable materials? Great - definitely interested in seeing some early workings as to whether this thing might work. But we don't need it for Richard's 5 question satisfaction survey to all customers that he's spent nearly 3 months working on whilst avoiding all other work tasks. 

'Scuba Mode' - the 2026, TikTok friendly phrase to replace the now dated 'deep dive'. When a colleague says they're going 'full scuba', gesticulate at them by moving a clenched hand up and down vigorously, and say that its a universally recognised scuba hand-signal. Also caution them against getting the bends by finishing the work task too quickly. 

'Sunday Scaries' - unnecessary workplace relabelling by your HR department of the horrible fear you had on a Sunday evening as a child when the music to Ski Sunday, Songs of Praise or Last of the Summer Wine came on the telly, knowing that school was only 12 hours or so away. Tell Helen, your HR manager that under the capitalist system, the relentless extraction of labour from labour power to create surplus value inevitably generates a sense of alienation. And can she sign off your request for a half day next Thursday for your son's school play when she gets chance - thanks.  

'Sweep the Sheds' - unless you're a stable hand, a pig farmer, or a peasant living in a small outhouse in the 16th century, you've really got no excuse for using this phrase to indicate that you're willing to do the most basic and humble of tasks for the benefit of the organisation you work for.  Note to your CEO - picking up a couple of half empty coffee cups at the end of an all staff meeting does not constitute sweeping the sheds. 

'Reverse mentoring' - the idea that everyone, even the most senior person, can learn from someone more junior to them. Sometimes dismissed as 'teaching your grandmother to suck eggs', this would make traditional mentoring 'teaching eggs to suck your grandmother'. Not sure that works.