Research by sperm whales shows human speech is similar but laughable

Research by sperm whales has revealed that human beings are able to communicate by using noises which are grouped together to form 'words' and 'sentences', just like whales.

The resulting 'conversations' are similar to that of sperm whales, only researchers found that, although human beings said a lot, it often didn't amount to very much.

Doctor Dorsal Finn, lead researcher at Sea World in Florida where he and his colleagues interact with an audience five times a week, said: 'We've had great success at training audiences to cry 'Ooo!' and 'Ahh!' at specific moments. Crazy thing is, humans think they are so sophisticated, but they spend a lot of time talking to glass screens instead of to each other.'

'Some of them complain about not being able to say anything any more. As they're saying it. Over and over again.'

'Not only that, some of the signals we've picked up from the coast of Mar-a-Lago show that human beings are capable of great stupidity - but other human beings are capable of great calamari, so what can you do?'

Image: WixAI

Homeopath attempt to bring drop of oil through Hormuz

Enterprising homeopath, Ron Jenkins of Clacton has announced an audacious plan to bring a whole drop of oil through the Strait of Hormuz.

'A drop should be plenty to last for a year or two. So my plan is to bring a drop of oil into the UK where I can dilute it down by a factor of a million and it can be used to fuel thousands of cars. Providing they're electric ones, obviously.

I don't expect any problems bringing a drop through, Iran is on the lookout for tankers so my pedalo should pass unnoticed. Although I think I've heard people say 'tanker' when I walk pass them.'

A White House statement added 'No matter what the Epstein files say, Donald Trump is not a pedalo.'

Image: Pawel86 - Pixabay

Adrian Chiles revealed to be front for AI engine

In a shock exclusive today, The Guardian newspaper revealed that they have been working at the limits of human-similar AI engineering for several years. A regular column in the newspaper, written by the Large Language Model and published under the codename of Adrian Chiles, has been churning out 350 words a week of grammatically correct but mindless ramblings on random topics. These have included 'why can you never get a key in a lock first time?', 'which universe do the lone socks that I find in my washing machine come from?' and 'will West Bromwich Albion ever win the Premier League, and why not?'

As well as producing the weekly writings, the Adrian Chiles engine was asked to generate a visible persona for itself. ' 'We'd like a photo-realistic image of a stunningly fit, handsome young man with intelligent, kindly eyes and small grin, as if suppressing delight in revealing a new Shakespearian sonnet to the world', was the prompt we gave', said The Guardian spokesman. 'Unfortunately, the graphics capability is exactly on a par with the text proficiency.'

Image: Newsbiscuit Archive