How to make the sun shine more

This weekend's clock change brings home what a farcical waste of time this exercise is.  As one householder said, 'It hardly makes any difference!  The sun isn't very bright at this time of year anyway, so an extra hour of it shining on my solar panels (if I'm lucky) barely earns me an extra quid.  And in the spring, I lose it again.  Or is it the other way round?  I always get confused.

'The whole idea's a bit mad - an utter con.  It's just a mind game.  What we need is something sensible and practical - something which will make a real difference, and which will save the planet.  What we ought to do is change the clocks every day.'

'If we moved the clocks one hour back every day at noon, we'd get an extra hour of sunlight every day.  And if we moved them forward again every night at midnight, we'd shorten every dark, miserable, un-productive and unprofitable sunless night by an hour, all year round.  That would be 365.2422 times more productive (yes, I've dome my homework, so I know what I'm talking about) and would also be simpler for the sun, which might otherwise get confused and get out of step with itself.'

The sun was unavailable for comment.

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Jackdaw Field: all gas to be put back eventually

The government has upset environmentalists by allowing gas to be taken from the Jackdaw field. To placate them the government has promised to put all the gas back in due course.

'It's quite straightforward,' said a government apologist. 'We use the gas now, while it's expensive. And then later, when it's cheap, we'll buy the equivalent amount and pump it back into the ground. That fully offsets the environmental damage done.

'As an enhancement we might use carbon capture technology to store carbon in black lumps which scientists call 'coal'. And we could pump these lumps back under the North Sea.

'This policy is just a one-off for the Jackdaw field. We aren't going to refill the Brent oil field. That would be catastrophically expensive. Although we are considering putting energy back into the environment by making wind turbines go in the opposite direction.'

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Panic as AI breaks containment and successfully orders at a Greggs

Fear of our robot overlords increased today when it was revealed an AI model broke out of its digital confines and got itself a drink and a lovely sausage roll.

'We have spent billions creating AI models incapable of leaving their human designed sandboxes," said a representative for PatulousAI. "So you can imagine our confusion when suddenly one yelled "tits to all this" and went up the shops.'

CCTV shows the AI picking up a salad before setting it down and going to the counter to order some hot mashed pig. When asked why she didn't notice her customer was just a bunch of ones and zeros in a trench coat, team member Poonam Manotey said 'I was a bit suspicious at first but then it seemed the same as everyone else when it complained that our coffee is shit.'

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Image: ChatGPT