US Forces seize Easter Bunny

Donald Trump has announced that US Forces have captured the Easter Bunny at an unknown location and transported him to New York, for trial.

The Easter Bunny stands accused of un-American acts. These acts include 

• Going against government initiatives to Make America Healthy Again and are related to the unauthorised and unregulated distribution of foodstuffs, notably chocolate

• Promotion of food products containing ingredients not grown in America, including cocoa

• Unauthorised dumping of foodstuff and other detritus in a public place, relating to the wanton abandonment of foil wrapped eggs in parks, gardens and municipal property

The President has said that the operation against the Easter Bunny and his evil regime was a total, massive, huge success and that Americans have been saved from the expensive, subversive and unhealthy influence of a vast organised criminal conspiracy.

US Forces are also reported to be seizing Easter Eggs and other chocolate goods from stores. These will, apparently, be ‘put beyond use’. This will happen swiftly, and no trace of the contraband chocolate goods will remain after Easter Sunday.

The President has criticised neighbouring countries, allies, enemies, Europeans and penguins on the Marshall Islands for not supporting the US action. He said that everyone ‘talked a good story about taking out the Easter Bunny’, but when it came to the crunch, they had all melted away.

image by grok

FIFA introduce ordeal by fire for World Cup tickets

After years of anticipation, football World Cup tickets have at last gone on sale. Seats at the final are now available for all fans who have completed the official assault course, proved the Riemann hypothesis, and pledged 10% of gross earnings for the next 25 years.

Succeeding at these tasks gets you through to the 7 hour wait on a telephone, before the actual price is revealed to you - and the location of the disused warehouse where you go to deposit your cash and pick up the coveted tickets. (Purchasers are reminded that ticket prices cannot be made public as they are "naturally" classified as top secret under the counter-espionage laws of all participating countries.)

For those fair weather fans who can't afford all that, seats at group stage matches will be available on payment of just a single kidney - with both organs required for knockout stage tickets. Fans are permitted to defer the fatal second organ operation until after the match, on provision of a "close family member" as hostage.

Some fans have noted that the prices and conditions are slightly different from how they were described in the original North American bid, where it was promised that a maximum price of £1000 for the final (£100 for group stage) or a day's volunteer work at an orphan hedgehog sanctuary would secure seats at any match.

However, FIFA officials say that as neither VAR, their Zurich bank managers nor the American authorities have raised any concerns, they are "very happy" that "the beautiful game is safe in our grasping hands".

image fom pixabay

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Mars launches mission to Earth

Mars is expected to launch its Earth II space probe in the next few days sending four life-forms to the Moon where it hopes to establish a permanent lunar base once planning permission is sorted.

The ultimate aim is to use a Martian presence on the Moon to launch an ambitious mission to Earth where Mars believes there may be life, apart from the region known as Crawley.

A trip to Earth presents many obstacles for the Martian life forms. Chief among them is the weather. On Mars the temperature is a steady minus 80-degrees Fahrenheit. It is nippy. But at least you can rely on it. On Earth, the Martians are going to have to put up with a high degree of unpredictability. Some places are hot and dry; in others it’s tipping it down. This will affect what clothes they bring, with most experts saying they’ll have to prepare for all eventualities. As NASA likes to put it “four seasons in one day”.

Whatever the weather it’s a crowded launch schedule across the universe, with Easter coming and the ongoing disturbances in the Gulf. By coincidence, Earth is launching its Moon probe Artemis II on 1 April (was this a good idea, commentators have asked), and in a nice gesture Artemis will carry parking permits, both half-day and whole day, for a celestial handover of friendship in case the two craft meet.

image from pixabay