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Adrian Chiles revealed to be front for AI engine



In a shock exclusive today, The Guardian newspaper revealed that they have been working at the limits of human-similar AI engineering for several years. A regular column in the newspaper, written by the Large Language Model and published under the codename of Adrian Chiles, has been churning out 350 words a week of grammatically correct but mindless ramblings on random topics. These have included 'why can you never get a key in a lock first time?', 'which universe do the lone socks that I find in my washing machine come from?' and 'will West Bromwich Albion ever win the Premier League, and why not?'


As well as producing the weekly writings, the Adrian Chiles engine was asked to generate a visible persona for itself. ' 'We'd like a photo-realistic image of a stunningly fit, handsome young man with intelligent, kindly eyes and small grin, as if suppressing delight in revealing a new Shakespearian sonnet to the world', was the prompt we gave', said The Guardian spokesman. 'Unfortunately, the graphics capability is exactly on a par with the text proficiency.'


Image: Newsbiscuit Archive

Scientists hatch new Strait of Hormuz Uncertainty Principle

"At the moment, the Americans say the Strait of Hormuz is open to shipping and the Iranians say it is closed," said Dr Hiram Smorgasbord of Kharg Island Armageddon University.


"The only way of checking which is true is to sail an oil tanker through the strait and then switch on the news.


"If you see pictures of the tanker in flames and spewing thousands of tons of crude oil into the sea, you'll know the strait was closed and the captain was very silly to try and go through it."


"That's fake news!" said Donald Trump, ordering a Tomahawk strike on the university. "The Iranians are doing everything I say because I won, and they totally opened up the strait at my command.


"Believe me, you could put a cat in a drawer with a vial of poison and it could go right through the Strait of Hormuz and come out 100% alive.


"Let me show you now. I'll just grab this pussy..."



Titanic captain claims victory over iceberg

Speaking from the seabed of the Atlantic, the captain of the Titanic today issued a statement claiming victory over the iceberg.


“We didn’t wanna hit the iceberg, I’ve said that all along, the iceberg provoked this totally unnecessary collision,” said captain Edward Smith. “But once it was clear we were gonna do it, we were gonna smash that iceberg, totally smash it back to the… well, the ice age I guess.”


When it was pointed out that the Titanic sank whereas the iceberg was barely damaged at all, and in fact is now posing a danger to other ships, Smith described this is “a fake shipping forecast, totally fake. No, the iceberg’s been totally humiliated. It wanted us at the bottom of the sea immediately, whereas in fact it took us a couple of hours to sink.”


The statement was followed by the news that a British ship, which Smith had begged to rescue them and then immediately changed his mind and said he didn’t need it, was now almost ready to leave port, only two weeks after receiving the distress signal.


Meanwhile Jewish organisations have complained about what they called the “coded antisemitism” of Smith’s statement, saying “Iceberg? Come on, we all know he means Goldberg.”



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