After years of anticipation, football World Cup tickets have at last gone on sale. Seats at the final are now available for all fans who have completed the official assault course, proved the Riemann hypothesis, and pledged 10% of gross earnings for the next 25 years. Succeeding at these tasks gets you through to the 7 hour wait on a telephone, before the actual price is revealed to you - and the location of the disused warehouse where you go to deposit your cash and pick up the coveted tickets. (Purchasers are reminded that ticket prices cannot be made public as they are "naturally" classified as top secret under the counter-espionage laws of all participating countries.) For those fair weather fans who can't afford all that, seats at group stage matches will be available on payment of just a single kidney - with both organs required for knockout stage tickets. Fans are permitted to defer the fatal second organ operation until after the match, on provision of a "close family member" as hostage. Some fans have noted that the prices and conditions are slightly different from how they were described in the original North American bid, where it was promised that a maximum price of £1000 for the final (£100 for group stage) or a day's volunteer work at an orphan hedgehog sanctuary would secure seats at any match. However, FIFA officials say that as neither VAR, their Zurich bank managers nor the American authorities have raised any concerns, they are "very happy" that "the beautiful game is safe in our grasping hands". image fom pixabay |
Mars is expected to launch its Earth II space probe in the next few days sending four life-forms to the Moon where it hopes to establish a permanent lunar base once planning permission is sorted.
The ultimate aim is to use a Martian presence on the Moon to launch an ambitious mission to Earth where Mars believes there may be life, apart from the region known as Crawley.
A trip to Earth presents many obstacles for the Martian life forms. Chief among them is the weather. On Mars the temperature is a steady minus 80-degrees Fahrenheit. It is nippy. But at least you can rely on it. On Earth, the Martians are going to have to put up with a high degree of unpredictability. Some places are hot and dry; in others it’s tipping it down. This will affect what clothes they bring, with most experts saying they’ll have to prepare for all eventualities. As NASA likes to put it “four seasons in one day”.
Whatever the weather it’s a crowded launch schedule across the universe, with Easter coming and the ongoing disturbances in the Gulf. By coincidence, Earth is launching its Moon probe Artemis II on 1 April (was this a good idea, commentators have asked), and in a nice gesture Artemis will carry parking permits, both half-day and whole day, for a celestial handover of friendship in case the two craft meet.
image from pixabay
Following the news that BBC bosses were aware of allegations against Radio 2 DJ Scott Mills long before they acted, the BBC has issued a statement promising they will “panic much sooner” next time.
Mills’ case follows those of Huw Edwards, Gregg Wallace, Rolf Harris, Jimmy Savile and pretty much any presenter you see on Top of the Pops 2.
In future, the BBC says it will throw the individual concerned under the bus the moment they hear the flimsiest allegation against them, without waiting for any further details, let alone evidence.
However Jim Davies, who worked at Broadcasting House for 20 years until being fired this morning, suggests they have perhaps gone too far the other way.
”All I did was forget to pay my gas bill until they sent a reminder,” said the bemused electrician. “It wasn’t even a final demand. But the Beeb said in the light of recent events, they ‘just couldn’t take any chances’.
”Mind you, it’s a relief in a way. I thought for a minute they’d found out I’ve been hanging around outside primary schools wearing nothing but a raincoat.”
image from pixabay