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Climate change 'no longer deniable' as sun comes out in Aberdeen



Scientists studying anthropogenic climate change say they now have incontrovertible evidence proving the truth of the theory - the sun has come out in Aberdeen.


'When it’s 40 degrees in London and the South East, there’ll always be people saying it’s just a heatwave, doesn’t prove anything.


”But when the sun comes out in Aberdeen, you know you’ve reached a point where our traditional understanding of climate is broken, and we’re in uncharted territory.'


Reports say the natives of Aberdeen reacted in terror to the big yellow apparition in the sky, some worshipping it as a god. while others took refuge in traditional sources of comfort, such as deep fried foods, whisky and intravenous drugs.


The authorities say it was lucky the sun wasn’t out long enough to dry out the puddles or damp stains on the walls, or they couldn’t be responsible for how people would have reacted.



Image: ChatGPT (edited)




Iran offers to shut Reflecting Pool


After their success with the Strait of Hormuz, Iran said it would be happy to assist President Trump with his next humiliating U-turn. Obviously, each reflects things back slightly distorted, whether it’s the Washington Monument or the entire concept of geopolitics. And both could, in theory, be described as strategically shallow but symbolically deep. 


They have an alarming tendency to become the centre of global attention despite being, at heart, just… water doing very little. Subsequently they are indirectly responsible for people standing around explaining things they don’t fully understand—with an uncomfortable amount of posturing involving flags. 


Benjamin Netanyahu is said to be alarmed by any US/Iran cooperation and has threatened to bomb a neighbouring duck pond to disrupt their plans. He warned that both waterways contain objects you really shouldn’t touch—one because it’s vaguely slimy, the other because it’s extremely explodey. Regardless, Trump insisted that the US could control both… he's just letting Iran have a go. This is demonstrating his strategic commitment to outsourcing—why control something when you can just dip your toes in—provided you don't mind catching algae-foot.



Elon Musk predicted to become a multi-trillionaire after launching sex robot business


Sociologists are concerned that human relationships may soon become obsolete after Elon Musk decided to ditch Tesla cars as a significant source of innovative entrepreneurial ambition; and concentrate his attention on developing AI sex dolls.


Unveiling Aphrodite X1 at the Las Vegas Pseudo-Onanist Convention, he promised his new, ultra-realistic AI sex doll would fulfil every man’s fantasy partner; and can be programmed to engage in every perversion mentioned on the Interweb, even those that Putin has footage of Donald Trump getting up to.


In an interview with Newsbiscuit, he told us that Aphrodite X1 was just the start of what was possible; and like the Tesla model 3, was designed to give plebs ambitions to own one of the more expensive models.


When asked if he had plans to extend his range to sex dolls that women would want, he said “Certainly, but our AI is taking a lot longer to find out what that is. I’ve told the boffins to get the AI to read more of Andrew Tate’s comments, to see if we can speed things up.”


Our interview ended with an expectation that before he launches the ‘For women’ AI sex toy, he will bring out the ‘Capitalist Bastard Dream Doll’ an underage, AI sex doll, which can be leased for a night, then be refurbished with a brand new hymen.




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