Met Office issues bland weather warning

As the heatwave recedes, the Met Office has issued a rare, bland weather warning for most of the UK. A bland weather warning means there is a danger to motivation with many people saying they can’t be bothered going into work and describing it as if someone has lain a damp unwashed dish cloth over their hopes and aspirations.

'The area affected by the bland weather warning can be seen in beige, shown here as a pale sort of yellowy, sandy, grey, almost like an off-white,' explained BBC weather forecaster Tomasz Schafernaker. 'Temperatures are expected to peak at around 16 or 17 degrees centigrade, unusually low for this time of year.'

The Met Office has also declared the weather for the final week of June as the most boring recorded since records began. But when asked to check the earlier records the staff in question responded, 'Can’t this wait, it just feels too dull out there, it’s like there’s a grey sheet over everything, it feels muggy, but also like it might rain, and I feel tired, like I’m coming down with something…'

Image credit: deep dream generator (which clearly doesn't understand thermometers)

Climate change 'no longer deniable' as sun comes out in Aberdeen

Scientists studying anthropogenic climate change say they now have incontrovertible evidence proving the truth of the theory - the sun has come out in Aberdeen.

'When it’s 40 degrees in London and the South East, there’ll always be people saying it’s just a heatwave, doesn’t prove anything.

”But when the sun comes out in Aberdeen, you know you’ve reached a point where our traditional understanding of climate is broken, and we’re in uncharted territory.'

Reports say the natives of Aberdeen reacted in terror to the big yellow apparition in the sky, some worshipping it as a god. while others took refuge in traditional sources of comfort, such as deep fried foods, whisky and intravenous drugs.

The authorities say it was lucky the sun wasn’t out long enough to dry out the puddles or damp stains on the walls, or they couldn’t be responsible for how people would have reacted.

Image: ChatGPT (edited)

Iran offers to shut Reflecting Pool

After their success with the Strait of Hormuz, Iran said it would be happy to assist President Trump with his next humiliating U-turn. Obviously, each reflects things back slightly distorted, whether it’s the Washington Monument or the entire concept of geopolitics. And both could, in theory, be described as strategically shallow but symbolically deep. 

They have an alarming tendency to become the centre of global attention despite being, at heart, just… water doing very little. Subsequently they are indirectly responsible for people standing around explaining things they don’t fully understand—with an uncomfortable amount of posturing involving flags. 

Benjamin Netanyahu is said to be alarmed by any US/Iran cooperation and has threatened to bomb a neighbouring duck pond to disrupt their plans. He warned that both waterways contain objects you really shouldn’t touch—one because it’s vaguely slimy, the other because it’s extremely explodey. Regardless, Trump insisted that the US could control both… he's just letting Iran have a go. This is demonstrating his strategic commitment to outsourcing—why control something when you can just dip your toes in—provided you don't mind catching algae-foot.

Image: MarkThomas - Pixabay

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