El Beaño to cause havoc in UK

The UK is facing an unprecedented weather event involving catapults, stink bombs and banana skins.

Climatologists made the announcement after a group of boys who call themselves the Bash Street Kids were discovered floating on driftwood in the Pacific Ocean, together with a selection of catapults, two boxes of stink bombs and a wild dog who answers to the name ‘Gnasher’

The discovery, by scientists working on climate change scenarios, confirms what some have long suspected: the UK is facing an aggressive El Beaño that will threaten coastlines and infrastructure and even reach central London.

The BBC’s Climate Change Editor, Justin Rowlatt, said: “The El Beaño developing over the Pacific Ocean is likely to be the strongest for more than a century and make 2027 another record-breaking year for heat. Teachers already report an increase in misbehaviour among pupils as young bodies try to cope with the wild variations in weather.”

Out on the driftwood the group’s unofficial leader Dennis the Menace, dressed in a red-and-black striped jumper, gives an interview with a passing Disney cruise ship. Snow White and the children wave. “Got any sweets Miss?” Dennis cries. “Coo it’s hot. Some lollies would be totally blam. And a bone for Gnasher if you’ve got one.”

But the interview is cut short by Gnasher’s barking. A dark line on the horizon has made the dog’s hair stand on end. “Yikes! It’s a tsunami!” Dennis screams. “We did it in Geography. Oh no! The children!!”

“I’m on it!” yells a boy on the wreckage. He has a quiff that swishes as he speeds away. It’s Billy Whizz! With Bolt-like speed, Billy charges to the horizon and uses his quiff – don’t ask how – to direct the wave away from the ship.

And that, children, is why you must always brush your hair before you have breakfast.

image by Grok

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Reform UK Pledges to Free Britain From Tyranny of 2+2=4

Reform UK has pledged to break the stranglehold of the mainstream mathematical establishment by launching an urgent review into whether two plus two really needs to equal four.

Party sources say the answer “four” has been imposed on Britain for generations by an increasingly out-of-touch uniparty consensus of Labour, the Conservatives, teachers, accountants, engineers and people capable of counting.

“For decades we’ve been told that if you have two things and someone gives you another two things, you have four things,” said a Reform spokesman. “But nobody ever asks ordinary British people what they think the answer should be.

Reform believes there is considerable public appetite for five.

“Five is bigger than four,” the spokesman continued. “Britain deserves bigger numbers. Illegal immigration is out of control, taxes are too high and millions of people feel ignored. In those circumstances, insisting the answer is still four shows just how little the establishment has learned.”

Asked whether there was any evidence that two plus two could equal five, the spokesman accused the reporter of “talking Britain down”.

Critics have pointed out that changing the answer to five could cause difficulties for engineering, banking and calculating change in pubs.

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Massive potato array to power Norfolk

Boffins at the University of North Norfolk have plans to power Norfolk with a MASH battery, a new technology to rival solar panels and wind power.  The boffins believe that MASH technology could make wind turbines and solar panels redundant.

‘The main barrier to renewables is cost,’ said the white-coated lead boffin. ‘Solar panels are expensive, wave power is expensive, wind turbines are expensive. We wanted a low cost alternative and because this is Norfolk, we lighted on potatoes.

‘The MASH array works just like that experiment that we all did at primary school. The one where you make a battery out of a potato and power a tiny light bulb.  We took that basic science and we scaled it up.

‘MASH stands for Massive Array of Spuds for Heating.  We worked in a local potato field to wire up thousand potatoes, and we achieved a voltage of 700V.  By wiring up more and more potatoes we can create a massive array that can power whole cities.  It’s cheap, it’s green, and there is no toxic waste.  The Green Party are keen, Greenpeace are keen, and potato farmers are keen.  We’re trying to sign up Alan Partridge to help us sell the idea more widely.

The advantage is that potatoes are cheap and widely available, and that the used potatoes can be recycled to provide school dinners for the local kids.  Also, potatoes keep working when it’s windy and during the night when there is no sun, so you get power round the clock.

Our first attempt, using lemons, worked fine, but wasn't economically viable.  Importing lemons was too expensive, and we reckon it’ll be at least ten years before Norfolk could produce lemons in the quantity required.

One possible disadvantage of using potatoes  is that demand for energy put push up the price so much that no-one will be able to eat them any more. Luckily, the University is also working on a replacement for chips, made from recycled newspapers. 

The North Norfolk boffins are looking forward to a potato-powered future in which MASH technology produces enough green electricity to allow the nuclear power station Sizewell B to be turned off.

Image credit: perchance.org

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