Supermarket gets 'down and dirty' to lure in value conscious customers

One of the country’s large supermarket chains is making new efforts to lure in shoppers looking for bargains.

‘We know that life is tough,’ said a spokeman. ‘Our bills are going up all the time and its probably the same for our customers.

‘We are adjusting our retail proposition to reflect how tough things are. Shoppers need bargains.  There’s no loyalty any more.  Cheapest sausage wins.

‘Our re-modelled stores will strongly signal our value-led proposition. The stores will be cold, so wear a thick coat. Or buy one on the way round. The lights will be dim, so you can’t read the small print on your ultra-processed ready meals.  Tinned goods will have foreign labels, which makes them look cheap straight away.  Our fruit and veg will have a homely, no-nonsense, kicked-about-a-bit vibe.

‘As shoppers can’t afford real food, we will have pallets of cheap stuff – strange rubbery sweets, off brand chocolates, Bulgarian lager and unusually flavoured potato-based snack substitutes. We will show that the stuff is cheap by selling it straight from the cardboard boxes. We can’t afford to pay staff to put stuff on shelves any more.

‘We don’t want to embarrass our customers about things they can’t afford, so we will be removing 'aspirational' products. That’s basically anything that Waitrose sells.

‘We are going back to basics - booze, pastry, stodge and fat. We are targeting shoppers with a BMI over 30, or a family BMI over 120.   These people eat more stuff and they buy more stuff, so it makes commercial sense.  Skinny dieters can buy our overpriced slimming meals if they want, but they aren’t a key demographic for us any more.

‘We will also be reducing in store cleaning, to make the shops a bit dirtier, so it looks like we are making savings too.   Puddles of stuff in the aisles will make shopping a bit more of an adventure.  We will also be hiring more unkempt and slightly threatening staff - so customers know we don't waste money on them.  We will be retain the customer support desks, but we won’t be staffing them.

‘Finally, I’d like to talk about pricing.   Some people have suggested that a ‘value’ offer should include lower prices.  Given that the government has massively increased our wage bill and property costs, I must make it clear that the one thing we won't be doing is cutting prices.  We will, in fact, be raising prices, with the aim of fuelling inflation and teaching the government a solid lesson in basic economics.’

image from pixabay

GB News Acquired by The Beano

Following the fire-sale purchase of right-wing news organisation InfoWars by satirical site The Onion, financially struggling UK counterpart GB News has announced its acquisition by a similar long-standing publication, The Beano.

'We're delighted to bring GB News under The Beano's masthead,' said Denise Menice, editor-in-chief. 'Thankfully we'll have to make very few alterations, given we've already got Nigel Farage as a perfect Roger the Dodger, telling you how to dodge inheritance tax; Jacob Rees-Mogg was actually the original model for Lord Snooty, so it's really a case of life imitating art; and of course the rest make a great ensemble piece as the numbskulls."

In a Clacton pub, regular viewers were - perhaps shockingly - welcome to the changes. 'So long as they don't take that Michelle Dewberry off the breakfast show,' one supporter remarked, 'she's the only reason I get up in the morning, if you get my drift, fnar fnar!' While another was a little more hesitant, telling us, 'I'm worried about two things: First, the woke agenda sneaking in. None of the kids get whacked with a slipper or a cane any more. I was beaten by my dad and it never did me any harm, if you don't count the PTSD. Second, I hope they don't use all those long words like they do in the comic. I try to read it every week, and have to ask my son for help.'

Image credit: "Street Art in Cabra - Dennis the Menace and Gnasher" by infomatique is licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0.

Judges urged to stop using the word 'fisticuffs'

There was amusement today in the High Court during Mr Justice Bufton-Tufton’s summing up in the case of Rex vs Sawdust.

'Being unable to resolve your differences in a civilised manner, you then resorted to fisticuffs,' said the judge, before looking up to see where the ill-disguised snorts of laughter had come from.

'I’m sorry, m’lord,' smirked Counsel for the Prosecution Sir Timothy Shirehorse, 'but it does sound very funny when you say that word.'

'What, fisticuffs?' asked the judge, causing another outbreak of mirth. This prompted a furious reaction from the judge, who threatened to hold anyone else who laughed in contempt of court.

'Anyone else feel like a giggle?' he asked, prowling around the courtroom. 'What about you, stenographer? Do you find it… wisible… when I say the word… fisticuffs?' The stenographer just about managed to keep a straight face and shake his head.

'I must admit, I love it when he gets the affray cases,' said DI Steve Concrete afterwards. 'You just know he’s gonna say it. But it’s so hard not to laugh. I have to make sure I don’t catch the Chief Super’s eye, or else we’ll both be off.'

For his part, the judge said he didn’t understand all the fuss about a word that was perfectly commonplace at Eton in the 1920s.

'Next they’ll be saying that describing someone as a ‘rum old cove’ is outdated.'

Picture credit: Wix AI (Judge in a wig - still hilarious)