Dangerous organism found in thing

A Northampton/Southampton/Littlehampton woman has found a dangerous organism, believed to be an animal, reptile or possibly insect, in a thing that she bought from the shops/ordered online/received as a gift. A neighbour/family member/Good Samaritan phoned 999 and responders were despatched immediately.

The organism was captured/neutralised/liberated by staff from the fire service/nuclear and radiological protection board/RSPCA.

A spokesman said that media outlets tend to favour stories about dangerous organisms rather than more prosaic stories like ‘bananas found in pack of bananas’.  Dangerous thing stories are often an easy way to fill web pages/air time/billboards when there’s not much else going on.  Members of the public are reminded that incidents like this are extremely rare, and that there is no need to change their daily routine/prescription medicine/spouse.

https://pixabay.com/photos/slime-mold-tiny-micro-macro-4567634/

https://www.newsbiscuit.com/

Santa under fire for using drones

The skies over New Jersey have been filled with weaponized little helpers. Rather than a traditional sleigh, Santa has out-sourced his job to a branch of the Pentagon, with the codename - Slay Shells Sting, Are You Listening.

The drones are programmed to drop parcels down the chimney if you have been good, and Semtex if you have been naughty. Test runs have already been done in Gaza, but according to the CIA everyone was on the naughty list.

Americans were alarmed to see the drones, but not so alarmed as Rudolf, who only then found out he had been sacked - Xmas sacked. Said one General: 'Its lovely weather for a sleigh ride together for two, but it's also a perfectly clear sky for a surgical strike on your nearest and dearest. Come dasher, come dancer, come FIM-92 Stinger.'

https://pixabay.com/photos/comedian-face-performance-comic-2125295/

https://www.newsbiscuit.com/

Police move quickly to investigate 1920's bank failure

Police are investigating possible crimes by Farrow's Bank and employees and external lawyers, following the failure of Farrow's Bank in 1920.

Three suspects have already been identified and placed under posthumous caution and there are plans to interview others next year, clairvoyance permitting, according to police.

But no one will be charged until officers have read the final report from the separate public inquiry, almost 105 years after concerns were first raised.

Len Castleton, a sub-Postmaster from Bridlington in North Yorkshire was bankrupted in 1920 after the failure of Farrow's Bank.

According to his daughter, 111-year old Beryl Castleton, he said in 1950: "I can't understand why it's taking so long, I can't understand why things are having to be gone over and over and over... But you know, never give in, we'll get there." .

Some 100 officers from around England and Wales are now working on what they've called Operation Pharaoh which began in 2020. The investigation will be led by the Metropolitan Police in London.

Commander Doug Trowelman, who is leading the investigation, said: "We have got, we think, over 3,000 people affected in some way, by Farrow's Bank. So it's huge and we have got to put in a commensurate number of officers and clairvoyants to help with conducting interviews"

The first phase of the investigation will focus on those making "key decisions", as if it were possible that some are still alive. A second phase will cast the net wider, potentially taking in those senior Farrow's Bank executives, who are expected to be very dead by now.

The investigation has also launched an online portal to allow the many descendants of those affected and others to submit evidence to the investigation, in the unlikely event that any of them have details of what their great great grandparents suffered.

Officers are already working with 1.5 million documents in the case and expect this number to grow into a nice rich gravy train that lasts for the  whole of their careers.

Lessons learned in this speedy response can be applied to the Horizon Post Office investigation, which is expected to conclude in an even more timely fashion. "Some of those involved in that case might be less dead when it finishes" said a police spokesman.

Photo by Robert Bye on Unsplash