Users go wild for new We Want Your Information App

The app released on Google Play yesterday promises to steal every piece of information harvested on your android phone, including a full history of suicide and porn searches. We Want Your Information was developed in China late last year in response to a rival app called We know who you are and what you think. But users complained that this app was cumbersome, requiring more than one key stroke and taking longer than six seconds to steal all of your closest secrets.

We Know Who You Are And What You Think also failed to alert users when a fresh piece of information was stolen. 'It was glitchy,' said one. 'But We Want Your Information is slick. I really feel denuded and naked after downloading it, like the company has a portal to my bank account and greatest fears.' The app, released with the full collusive blessing of governments around the world, not only steals information. It also has a lurk function which users can switch on to be heard in toilets and family arguments.

With rumours of an update arriving soon, users are expressing the hope that We Want Your Information will have a camera option, allowing it to film and upload instantly to any social media site it desires footage of users' most shameful public and home interactions. 'I love that We Want Your Information doesn't ask for permissions. It just accesses whatever the hell it wants.'

But there are opponents of the new app, a minority of naysayers who think that there is an issue surrounding the ethics of choice. They are questioning why We Want Your Information is an optional download at all. 'In 2025 so-called 'individuality' is a relic of the last century, which, as we all know, was a terrible one. We Want Your Information should be mandatory and social points accumulated or docked according to user compliance.' An Apple version with slicker theft aesthetics is expected to follow.

Image: Newsbiscuit Archive

Evolution going into reverse, says Attenborough. Also, Trump sworn in.

Scientist, national treasure and brother of the Jurassic Park bloke, Sir David Attenborough, has wowed the scientific community by providing proof that evolution has finally started going backwards.

In a paper presented to the International Science Gang, Sir David cites many examples of this phenomenon.

'The rise to prominence of such armpit-scratching, knuckle-draggers like Trump, Musk and Tate is a sure sign of this,' he told the BBC.

'Their three syllable names will soon regress to two syllable names and by 2030, society's 'alpha-males' will just be identified by grunts and whistles. Reality TV shows will get worse with I'm a Celebrity taking part in a real jungle where contestants won't get to leave, Love Island will just be a resort to breed large-breasted, sloping-fore headed dipshits and Britain's Got Talent will just be people on stage throwing their faeces at Simon Cowell. So, it won't be all bad'

He added, 'Within one generation, human beings could be back living in caves, wearing the skins of their enemies to keep warm, and eating the Deliveroo driver.'

However, not all scientists agree. Professor Brian Cox told us, 'Human beings do not have the upper body strength to climb trees any more and, most kids couldn't do it if they had a ladder, their helicopter parents won't let them do anything considered even remotely so dangerous as physical exercise.'

He continued, 'I'm not the one from Succession, by the way.'

Image: ottielie - Pixabay

Elon Musk's Rocket Explodes in Huge Metaphor

Nine minutes after launching on its latest test flight, Elon Musk's starship project experienced an anomaly, causing a huge metaphor to occur over the Atlantic Ocean.

Engineers are still piecing together data, with initial investigations showing it's likely the loss was caused by the conjunction of an allegory and a parable, or possibly a symbolism overload.

Speaking at the launch site in Texas, flight controller Emerald Minor gave waiting reporters and members of the Muskovites an update, saying, 'The flight was proceeding to plan until separation, when we had a rapid unscheduled disassembly of the booster caused by build issues, and a hugely expensive self-destruction of the main Starship vehicle prompted by an illogical decision.'

She continued, 'SpaceX are taking active measures to prevent metaphors to other ventures undertaken by our illustrious leader occurring in subsequent launches. As such, we have asked Elon to not attend the next flight in case it blows up in his face, reinforcing the launch pad to avoid an expensive black hole, and we will be keeping Jewish members of the team away from him at all costs; though we've actually been doing that for years.'

Elon Musk could not be reached for comment as he was busy trying to get strangers on the internet to think he's a really cool and funny guy.

image from pixabay