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Nigel Farage to release a cover version of 'I Would Walk Five Hundred Miles'


Words I make up, well, you know I'm that M P

I'm the kind of man who makes up lies to you

When I walk out, yeah, you know I'm gonna be

I'm gonna be the man who walks all over you

If I get power, well, you know I'm gonna be

I'm gonna be the man who makes life bad for you

Forget all health care, yeah, you know I'm gonna be

I'm gonna privatise the health care meant for you


Well I did take five million pounds

And I would take five million more

Just to be the man who brought the Nat-ional

Health down to the floor 


When I'm workin', yes, you know it's not to be

It's not to be that I am workin' hard for you

It's those with money who decider the work I do

And I'll keep each 'n every penny meant for you

When I buy homes (When I buy homes), oh, you know I'm gonna be

I'm gonna be the man who takes your home from you

And if you grow old, well, you know I'm gonna be

I'm gonna be the man who takes all benefits from you


So I did take five million pounds

And I would take five million more

Just to be the man who told a thousand

Lies and start a Ci-vil War


Na-na na na (Na-na na na)

Na-na na na (Na-na na na)

Na-na dumb iddy dumb iddy dumb iddy-ots you are!



Red Arrows to be made from paper

As part of a cost cutting measure, the iconic flight team will be carefully constructed from paper and the occasional rubber band. They will represent the UK internationally by being mailed in a large envelope. Diplomatic missions now involve carefully unfolding them on arrival and apologising for any creases.


The pilots will still need to maintain ultra tight formation—while being blown sideways by a toddler’s sneeze. Holding exact airspeeds will be difficult when your only engine is gravity. Expect to see moments when Red 1 calls “steady at 40 knots”, and the squadron collectively drifts downward like disappointed confetti or a dying moth. They will still appear at major UK airshows—mostly indoors, because rain is fatal.


They will execute synchronised aerobatics provided no one’s fold is slightly wonky. They will endure high G forces or at least the G force equivalent of being flicked. A spokesman confirmed, “Spectators will cheer as nine paper darts glide past in a majestic, slightly wobbly diagonal. Coloured smoke is now just felt tip pen stripes - Red, White and Blue - drawn on the wings. Very patriotic. Very washable. Meet the public afterwards . . . usually by being picked up and re-thrown by children.”



Labour's sunny weather bad for Britain, says Farage

"So we're having a few days of sunshine, and no doubt Labour will try and take credit for it ahead of the Makerfield by-election," Nigel Farage told reporters, while slapping on Rothmans Factor 50 sunblock.


"But let's just see what Labour's weather looks like in November. Will it still be sunny then? That's the problem. They can't keep their promises.


"And what does all this sunshine in Britain do? It attracts more migrants - attracts them like midges. They think that the weather here isn't as bad as all that and they come in even greater swarms than before. That's what Labour's sunny weather will do to our country.


"Trust me, you're better off with Reform's traditional, British-style drizzle. It's the kind of weather which not that many people want to come and live in, and it makes millions of the natives grumpy enough to vote for curmudgeons like me."


Nigel Farage is 49 degrees Fahrenheit with a 100% chance of precipitation.



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