Major exchange of rockets deal announced by Trump’s Board of Exchanging Rockets

Trump boasted of a literal groundbreaking exchange of rockets deal to commence this Monday. Both Iran and Israel agreed to extend the exchange of rockets by another two weeks. This is another win for Trumps Board of

Exchanging Rockets, that was a major factor in the exchanging of rockets agreement.

Since he was given unrestricted power, the current US President at time of going to press, has started eight new exchanges of rockets between various countries. He was recently awarded a Rocket Exchanging Prize from a football organisation which is entirely normal.

In a final statement Trump rambled the following, 'One beautiful day, we will exchange rockets like no one’s ever seen before, not just in the middle east but throughout the world.'

Tories: No policy on housing

The Conservative Party has no policy on housebuilding, as party grandees reckon that this is the safest option.

'House building policy is a nightmare,' a policy spokesperson told us. 'Everyone understands lack of supply drives prices up. Good news for some but bad news for most. There's broad agreement that we need more houses - but not in my neighbourhood.

'Landlords are cashing in and giving up - but everyone hates landlords, so we can't do anything for them. Renters are being fleeced, but it's too expensive to do anything for them. Builders want to build houses but they only know how to build expensive ones.

'In other words, the whole policy area is a shit show. So, the Conservative party has decided to steer well clear of it. No pledges, no commitments, no targets. In fact, we have a complete embargo on the subject. Anyone who talks to the media about housing is out. Straight out, no appeal.

'We hope that no-one will notice the absence of any policy on housebuilding. Our headline policies are about stamp duty, immigrants and defence. And that will have to do. Keir got elected on a single policy of 'change', so we're hoping to copy his success.

'And we reckon that our policy platform looks pretty comprehensive when you compare it against Reform.'

Photo by Design Hills on Unsplash

Fears grow over Trump's mental stability following latest extraordinary claim

Fears are growing over the mental state of Donald Trump following an extraordinary claim he made earlier.

During a nationwide address, and as another claque of his boot-licking sycophants looked on in stunned silence, Trump claimed he created the Universe.

Speaking from the Oval Office he said: 'You know the Universe is my baby. Yes it is. I was just sitting there in my void of nothingness one day when I got the idea. And what a great idea it turned out to be, too. One of the very best. People all tell me that.

'Without my omnipotence none of this would exist,' enthused Mr Trump as he waved his arms around to indicate all of creation while simultaneously attempting to waft away a mysterious, noxious odour filling the room.

'Yes that's right folks. This White House, Earth, The Cosmos, McDonald's? There'd be none of it If it weren't for me. FACT.'

'I was sent unto mankind to teach him a lesson. He was getting too big for his boots and needed slapping down. Needed to know his place and I have shown him that place. Back row of the cheap seats.'

It is understood worried officials have finally begun a process to remove Trump from office on grounds of mental instability, but upon hearing of the plan he said: 'Oh yeah? Just let 'em try. For verily shall I smite them down from on high if they even think about it.

'And as we sit here waiting for America to be officially declared great again by order of the Supreme Court... do any of you fake news bozos want to buy into my fantastic and beautifully wonderful Trump Crypto Dollars scheme?'