Reform candidate stands down after Cleese accusation

A Reform candidate for the Welsh Sennedd elections has stood down after photographs of him throwing a Nazi salute and holding a comb over his top lip emerged.

'At first I was accused of imitating Hitler and I thought 'cool', Nigel will approve,' he said today. He decided imitating Hitler was OK as 'everybody I know does that, plus it didn't do Prince Harry any harm, did it?'

However, it transpires that the media are comparing him to John Cleese. 'That's beyond the pale, even Reform wouldn't accept him,' he said, announcing his resignation from the elections. 'I don't want to tar moderate racists with the Cleese brush,' he explained.

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Iran asks: Is Trump using confusion tactics?

'The US President says he wants peace but is sending 10,000 troops to the war zone,' said a perplexed spokes-skeleton for the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corpse.

'He says he's negotiating with an Iranian leader who calls the shots, but says his interlocutor will be shot if he's caught negotiating with him.

'And Trump says he wants to bomb all our energy plants and be Iran's worst nightmare, but then says he's kindly giving us 10 days before doing it.

'Is he saying all this to confuse us and give us a huge migraine so that we beg him to away?'

A State Department official was quick to clarify the situation, saying: 'This is not a trick. The President is way out of his depth and genuinely has no idea what he's doing.'

'I've even managed to confuse myself,' Trump posted on Truth Social, in a unique moment of honesty.

'I've been wandering around Graceland looking at pictures of Elvis when I could have sworn I was in the war room at Mar-a-Lago launching Tomahawks onto schools.'

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Trump backs down on claim he's omnipotent

'I went into the war against Iran believing the regime's leaders would immediately bend to my will, because I'm omnipotent,' boasted a puffed up Donald Trump.

'Weeks went by and they still weren't 'crying uncle'. They were calling me a demented old fool. But all those Tomahawks and suchlike we fired off showed that I'm potent.

'Now Iran's closed the Strait of Hormuz, and I am totally powerless to get it open again without caving into all of its demands.

'So we'll be whittling those words down to a single word: 'impotent',' admitted Trump, flaccidly.

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