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UK ready for next Village Idiot


As Keir Starmer prepares to resign, the nation eagerly awaits the next numbskull to be outsmarted by a stapler. Said one voter, ‘It’s like waiting for Christmas, where all your parcels conceal a shiny turd. Will be it be Wes Streeting, will it be Andy Burnham, who knows, who cares, whoever it is will be will treat the welfare of the nation like optional side quests.’


The new PM will need to harness Starmer’s electrifying energy of a man trying to push a pull door for three full minutes. ‘We needed bold ideas, so no doubt we’ll get someone who is confused by their own reflection, thinks salad goes in the microwave and acts like Benjamin Netanyahu is a kindly old man.


‘The UK expects the new incumbent to have the strategic foresight of a dropped croissant. The reliability, of someone who loses their keys while holding them. And the calm authority of a man discovering a wasp in his shoe. So, basically, another Keir Starmer.



USA forced into peace deal with algae in Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool


After an Apache AH-64 crashed into the Washington Monument whilst strafing the algae with it’s 30mm chain cannon, the USA agreed to a cease fire and reparations to the algae in the Reflecting Pool.


ICE Agents had initially been instructed to detain and then send the menace back to Algeria. After repeated attempts to cuff the algae and beat it with truncheons, ICE had to retreat when agents electrocuted themselves whilst trying to TASER some of the unicellular organisms.


A SWAT team was called in, who then fired indiscriminately into the pool, wounding several of the photosynthetic organisms and a passer-by. The algae remained stoic and unmoved, causing the SWAT to request the National Guard. It was at this point after releasing all 16 Hellfire missiles into the pool the Apache smashed into the Washington Monument and Trump declared victory.


The full terms of the so-called Peace Deal are that the algae will retain control of the pond and be supplied with $300,000,000,000 worth of nitrogen and phosphorus and be guaranteed to sunlight.



Starmer's resignation speech leaked to the press


With the curtain coming down on his premiership, Prime Minister (at the time of writing) Sir Keir Starmer is said to be outraged that his resignation speech has been leaked to the press, as they may necessitate a delay in the resignation as he prepares a replacement.  Downing Street sources meanwhile are disputing the authenticity of the speech. But they would, wouldn't they? The speech in full is reproduced below.


'It has been a great honour to be Prime Minister of this great country of ours, and to steer the Labour party away from anything resembling socialism. I set out to make Tony Blair look like a filthy commie and with my measures regarding disabled people in particular, I think I succeeded. Added to that, as people get stabbed and shot all around us, I have taken measures to classify people holding placards as terrorists, and I’m sure future generations of Israelis will thank me.


Alas, nothing lasts for ever. I inherited a mess and made it worse. Yes, there were circumstances beyond my control, but the lefty critics in the British media will overlook that in their search for a story. People talk about old people dying of the cold in winter, but I believe it’s better than being blown up by left wing Palestinian sympathisers or shouted at by antisemitic protesters.


I’m sure my successor will bend to the Zionist lobby if he knows what’s good for him (I say he, because obviously Labour do not ‘do’ female leaders) so I leave you with this message.


For the sake of my extended family in Israel, please, Bibi, stay strong. Continue the self defence that so many fools label as genocide. The decent people of the United Kingdom stand with you.




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