'Aslan is on the move,' whisper Labour MPs

Labour MPs, led by talking fawn Ed Miliband, are spreading the news that Aslan - the Lion King from across the sea - is coming to save them from calamity.

'It will end the accursed reign of Sir Keir the Boring Semi-Orc,' said one of the Pevensey children on the Labour backbenches.

'For two joyless years, he's been ruling the kingdom of Starmia, which he thought would be a utopia where everything would run perfectly if everyone stuck to the rules.

'His reign hasn't been quite like the permanent winter imposed by the wicked ice witch; it's more like slate grey skies, persistent drizzle and perpetual pay cuts. But we're desperate for Aslan to come and lift the unrelenting dreariness.

No one in Labour is quite certain what shape their saviour 'Aslan' will actually take. He may arrive in the form of Andy Burnham, Angela Rayner or Wes Streeting. But the betting is that Aslan will come down from the north... or at least from north London.

At press time, a terrified Starmer had shut himself inside a wardrobe and was refusing to emerge until everyone promises to stop voting for his arch-enemies, poison toad Farage and his rotten army of Reform goblins.

‘I needed to take a dump’ says Streeting

Health Secretary Wes Streeting insisted he only spent 20 minutes with the Prime Minister at Downing Street yesterday morning because he needed to take a dump.

Streeting said the impromptu call was a result of a particularly spicy prawn jalfrezi that had triggered a violent bowel movement soon after leaving the house.

‘Me and a couple of mates stopped off for a few beers on the way home from work and ended up in the local curry house’ said Wes ‘…..it absolutely trashed my insides this morning. I was in the Downing Street area and decided I could just about make the downstairs toilet before soiling myself.

'I only saw Keir for a brief moment …..I had run out of toilet paper, and he passed me a roll under the door.

'On the way out I said ‘I'd give it five minutes if I were you’…..he wasn’t very pleased. I think he thought I meant five minutes before resigning, but I meant five minutes for the jalfrezi to clear.

Image credit: Wix AI

Protest voters to back Labour for a laugh?

It's the one thing which could save Labour from election catastrophe, say Britain's political pundits.

Yes! Labour could pick up thousands of votes from disillusioned punters casting protest ballots against the nations two dominant parties: Reform UK and the Greens.

'I thought of voting for one of those big parties,' said disillusioned voter Tracey from Clacton. 'But my mate Paul told me that one of them got five million krypto injections from a billionaire, or summat like that.

'And I heard that the other one says he speaks for the Red Cross, but he should be speaking for the Green Cross Code, shouldn't he, if he's a Green?'

'That's when I decided to waste my vote on some lot who are led a total loser and who've got no chance of winning any seats at all. Labour were the obvious ones."

'Labour is increasingly becoming the party of choice for voters who want to have a laugh at this election and who've got a bit bored with clown shows like Screaming Lord Sutch and Ed Davey," said one bemused psephologist. 'Supporting sad-sack Starmer is the trendy new way to put two fingers up to a two-party state dominated by the Greens and Reform UK.'

An unreliable source told us that he had seen Sir Keir Starmer at a polling station in Farrington Gurney dressed as Bozo the Clown, and lobbing custard pies at tied-up labradors.

Image credit: perchance.org