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Reform accuses Count Binface of 'not being a real bin'


Private investigators working for Reform UK Ltd claim to have 'conclusive proof' that Count Binface isn't a genuine space-travelling dustbin.


'We know a LOT about rubbish here at Reform', a spokesnazi told us 'and that bin is definitely upside down. It's such a basic error we're surprised the rest of you hadn't spotted it'.


It has been suggested that Binface might actually have a university degree, making him a 'public enemy' in the eyes of Reform's leaders, who plan to cancel qualifications higher than GCSE for 'personal reasons'.


Clacton resident Pete Lighthead was unsurprised. 'I bloody knew it! I told my Maureen, didn't I? I said he's not a real bin. He's too shiny. I'm starting to doubt whether he's an actual Count'.


image by Google Gemini


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Voters of Clacton to decide whether climate change is real


As the UK swelters in the third heatwave of the summer, it was announced today that the people of Clacton in Essex will be given the chance to rule on whether climate change is a real thing or “just an establishment stitch-up”.


“Yes, these things were once decided by scientists with qualifications,” said spokesman Dave Concrete of the Reform Party, which organised the poll. “Just as you might, say, get forensic accountants to go through a politician’s finances to determine whether he’s corrupt.


“But we all know ‘expert’ is just another word for ‘the establishment’, and it’s time the issue was put to the people instead.”


Early indications are that Clactonians haven’t quite understood the question, instead telling pollsters that the weather was “gawjus” and they might have an ice cream.


image from Grok


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Trump declares ceasefire with Belgium is over


Belgium brought this on themselves," ranted Trump at a NATO meeting in Ankara. "They broke the Memorandum of Understanding whereby if they knocked the US out of the World Cup, we'd bomb the hell out of them.


"And even if they didn't understand this at the time, they sure as hell will when half of Brussels is in ruins.


"I can't deal with them any more, they're scum," declared America's convicted criminal, scumbag president.


"Just give me time to get across the other side of the Atlantic before the bombing starts," draft dodger Trump continued. "War zones play hell with my bone spurs."


image from Grok


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