Andrew to stand as Reform UK by-election candidate

'Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor is an arrogant, obnoxious, feckless, ignorant failure who has a gripe against the world,' said a spokes-skunk for Reform UK.

'We're asking ourselves why we never spotted before how perfectly he'd fit into our party.

'Like Zahawi, Dorries and the rest of the flotsam which has washed up with us, Andrew has done sod all good for anyone in his life, and blames everyone from the government to the media for bringing him down when he is entirely the author of his own misfortunes.

'This is why we're putting up Andrew forthwith as Reform UK candidate in the Gorton and Denton by-election next Thursday.

'He'll be electoral catnip for the tens of thousands of voters in the constituency who are themselves ill-educated, disagreeable, irresponsible, self-destructive failures eaten up by resentment.

Why shouldn't people like that be represented in Parliament by one of their own kind? They are also human,' said the spokes-swine.

'Well, sort of human.'

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Supreme Court challenges Trump order to have statues on him installed in every street

President Trump is said to be dismayed by a Supreme Court decision that demanding every US state erect a statue of him outside the state government building; and an image of him prominently displayed in every classroom; along with a requirement that every lesson begins with students swearing allegiance to him is a breach of his executive power.

Meanwhile, ICE agents have been arresting Yanks who post on social media, that satirists should describe Tuesday’s State of the Union speech, as "what an effing state the union is now in"; and telling voters in the Gorton and Denton by-election to take note that if they vote for Reform UK, they aren’t voting for the same chaos that Americans are suffering, but something far worse.

The International Statue Makers’ union is urging its members to build statues out of a plastic that is easily destroyed and washed away by acid rain, but UK water companies are complaining that the cost of removing dissolved statue plastic, will inevitably result in increased customer bills, so their directors’ bonuses can be maintained.

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Government could remove other pantomime characters from line of royal succession

A Government spokesperson has said they are considering introducing legislation to remove other well known pantomime characters - as well as Peter Mandelson - from the line of Royal succession.

The move could see the likes of Widow Twanky, Buttons and the Two Ugly Sisters follow Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor in being stripped of their chance to become King or Queen.

Sources close to Widow Twanky said it was unfair that she and her fellow pantomime dames should be dragged into the furore surrounding Andrew’s fall from grace.

'While it would make sense for villainous characters such as The Big Bad Wolf, Captain Hook and Cruella De Vil to be stripped of the chance to sit on the throne we don't see why Ms Twanky should be denied the opportunity to become Queen. Especially when you bear in mind the one that is actually there right now.

Although no pantomime character has ever been linked to the disgraced financier Jeffrey Epstein and have never been accused of misconduct in public office it is thought their closeness to the Royal family has become untenable.

'It could be argued that although Cruella did try to drown 100 Dalmation puppies it is nothing compared to what King Charles gets up to with a shotgun and pack of hounds at Balmoral'

When asked if his chance of becoming King was now behind him Andrew replied 'Oh no it isn't'

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