John Healey's first announcement as Chancellor is that he is introducing a tax on mud.
A statement explained, 'I have long been concerned by the inequality of mud throughout the UK, the wealthy have a lot of it and those in the margins of society have very little. To tax people on the amount of mud they own is an innovative and socialist policy which will deliver exactly the sort of wealth distribution this country needs.
'Further, in my time as defence Secretary, I saw that the Army has an awful lot of mud, and rolling around in it is a core part of basic training for our world class soldiers. The tax the Army pays on all its mud will go a long way to help us fund the NATO defence spending target of 5% of GDP.'
Kemi Badenoch retort was written in mud. 'This is yet another socialist policy aimed at stifling commercial research and development. We have a great innovation culture in this country founded on the principle of throwing mud at a wall and seeing what sticks. Any policy which drives up costs is bad for business and my Tory voting constituents.'
Tax advisor Ivor Lottagold said 'This will inevitably lead to the wealthy moving their mud offshore. The obvious choice of this is the Isle of Man which could ultimately see itself becoming part of the mainland.
Thames Water has approached the Government for clarification that poo does not constitute mud. A spokesman for DEFRA said 'Thames Water does indeed have a lot of poo, despite its unsuccessful plan of trying to hide it all in the Thames. Further, if poo were classed as mud under the new tax, then the renationalisation of Thames Water would be prohibitively expensive.'
'It would really muddy the waters.'
Image: Lichtsammler - Pixabay
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