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Larry the Cat replaced by Albert the Whippet


The No.10 cat is refusing to relocate to the new Government offices in the North, complaining that the seagulls are the size of small horses and had union representation. By contrast, Albert’s natural ability to vibrate with excitement at 300mph will be the only excitement generated by Andy Burnham.


A spokeswoman confirmed, ‘Whippets don’t climb curtains, chandeliers, or visiting dignitaries; while Larry considered all three fair game. Whippets are low maintenance and won’t demand to be worshipped; cats insist on being the actual head of state. And Albert will happily accompany Andy on his morning runs; whereas Larry would file a formal complaint.


‘Plus whippet zoomies can be used to match the speed with which we change Prime Ministers.’



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Sadiq Khan to introduce negative speed limits


In conjunction with physicists at London University, Mayor Sadiq Khan plans to introduce negative speed limits on London’s roads.


”We’ve done everything we can to screw money out of motorists,” said a spokesman for the diminutive extortionist. “We’ve made speed limits so low you’re almost certain to get fined if you drive anywhere, especially as we’re careful not to signpost the 20mph limits if we can help it.


”However, I know the boss is frustrated by all the people who have cars but don’t use them much. We’ve done everything we can to force them off public transport - no aircon or 24 hour service on the tube, most trains not accessible to wheelchair users, usually no service at the weekends… and don’t even get me started on buses. But there are some people who just won’t take the hint.


”Fortunately, the physicists we’ve consulted advise us there is a such a thing as negative speed, and apparently it doesn’t just mean going backwards. Therefore we feel entirely justified in imposing a negative speed limit all over London, so even parked cars are breaking it,”


The spokesman went on to say this in no way replaces fines for illegal parking, which they’d probably quietly increase while everyone’s attention was elsewhere.


Photo by Nabeel Syed on Unsplash



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Trump to bomb Oman, but in a good way


The whole Strait of Hormuz thing is a massive, horrible mess, and it makes Donald Trump look like a LOSER. Which is pretty much the worst thing that could possibly happen, and threatens his re-election for a glorious third term.


But the American President has a solution. He is offering to bomb Oman and the United Arab Emirates – but in a good way.


Bombing the UAE and Oman will save the Iranians a lot of trouble. And bombing in a planned and precise way will mean that the UAE and Oman won't need to use up their valuable anti-missile missiles. Sounds mad? Don't worry. There is some logic to Trump's latest fever dream. The plan is to precision bomb a new waterway from the Strait of Hormuz to the Arabian Sea, so that oil tankers won't have to go past Iran.


'Digging would be way too slow,' said the President, in a rare moment of clarity. 'We can't dig a new waterway in time for the mid-term elections. Bombing will be quick and effective. We still have loads of bombs – good solid American bombs - and we're making new ones all the time. The rumours that we are running out of bombs are fake news. We'll use American shock and awe to build a new canal in record time.


'I'll be explaining my plan to the Sultan of Oman and also raisin it with the UAE. I reckon that they will be right on board. All of that land is just sand and no use for anything, not even golf courses. Once we've bombed it all out, we can scoop up the sand and make sandbags. Everyone in the Middle East wants to buy sandbags these days. We're going to clean up.


'I'm calling the new waterway the Donald J Trump Liberation Canal. It'll be great. And I have no doubt that the UAE and Oman will be happy to pay me back in full for the costs incurred.'




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