Trump invoices Iran for US war costs

President Trump has demanded five billion dollars from Iran 'on account', until the war is over and the final bill can be calculated.

A White House official explained. 'Iran has forced the US to incur massive costs in staff, expenses and munitions. All of these costs could have been avoided if Iran had just surrendered unconditionally at the outset. So it's only fair and reasonable that Iran should reimburse all our costs.

We can take cash, or oil. Or we could take payment in the form of Uranium. Regular or enriched, we don't mind.

A copy of the invoice has been posted on line. It simply says 'Estimated war costs to March 6th 2026 on account - $5bn. Payment due immediately. Interest is charged at 20% on unpaid bills. Full itemised invoice to follow. Further invoices will be issued each week. If you are having difficulties paying your bills then please call Pete Hegseth at our customer service centre. Have you considered our bomb now, pay later scheme?'

The official continued. 'Venezuela handed over their oil resources. Ukraine handed over its mineral resources. Mexico paid for the big beautiful wall. So it's entirely fair for Iran to pay up as well. If they don't pay, then we'll impound Iran and no-one will be able to use it until we've got our money.'

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Starmer to deploy very strict regulations to the Middle East

"I regret to say that HMS Puff the Magic Dragon is not yet ready to sail to the Eastern Mediterranean,' Sir Keir Starmer told the nation in a prime ministerial broadcast, 'preferring to live by the sea in a land called Honah Lee - otherwise known as Portsmouth.

'So instead, we will be sending to the war zone a set of very strict rules and regulations.

'In the event of the Islamic Revolution Guard Corps launching missiles on RAF Akrotiri in Cyprus or the Mall of the Emirates in Dubai, a civil servant in a bowler hat will inform them that their actions are directly contrary to the 1949 Geneva Conventions and customary international law.

'This will prove that the UK is doing the maximum it can to maintain the rules-based international order.

'And rest assured that we will eventually get round to sending HMS Puff, just as soon as it has stopped playing with strings and sealing wax and other fancy stuff.'

The Royal Navy has two other, almost functioning, ships in its fleet: HMS Chatbot and HMS Drooler (formerly HMS Duke of York).

Starmer makes a dis statement outside Number 10

The UK Prime Minister, wearing some clip-on sunglasses fixed over his spectacles, read out a carefully crafted dis.

“'n response to The Notorious DJTs recent comments about us not helping them with an illegal war, I will quote what he said recently about our troops in Afghanistan, we’d only just end up staying a little back, a little off the front lines, so why should we bother? Remember, we’re not dealing with a Roosevelt here.'

He carefully placed the mic on the floor and strolled away from the podium, whilst Trump exploded the UK economy behind him.