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Trump to cap the price of eggs


The US President is finally spending some time on domestic issues, aiming to placate his MAGA base, who are concerned about living costs.


After shocking bankers by capping credit card interest, the President has moved on to other cost of living issues.


The latest initiative is to cap prices on things that MAGA supporters regard as essentials.  This includes eggs, which Trump voters prefer scrambled.  The price of eggs will be capped at five dollars a dozen, which will make egg production in the US uneconomic.  Importing eggs is not an option as they are subject to tariffs of10%4%22%50%200%33% at the time of writing.  However, if you can actually find any to buy, then they will be a bargain.


Donald Trump is also expected to sign Executive Orders to cap the prices of Big Macs, bullets, rifles, baseball caps (excepting those with political slogans), bumper stickers, all clothes larger than 2XL, pumpkin pie, cranberry sauce, Jello, golf clubs, peanut butter, fake tan, Cheetos, American flags, American (but not Mexican) beers, after-sun cream (soothes red necks), blueberry muffins, Dr. Pepper, jogging pants, pretzels, pop-tarts, cable TV, pick-up trucks, Twinkies, microwaveable cheese, weight-loss drugs, lottery tickets, and barbed wire.


Economists are shaking their heads sadly, but are also looking forward to tucking in to some cheap chow. They predict that these price controls could reduce US inflation to around 1%, although the collateral damage could be the closure of thousands of American businesses and the loss of up to a million jobs.  Donald Trump has welcomed these predictions, describing them as ‘a price worth paying.'




World relaxes now they realise Trump wants Iceland


Despite confusion at Davos during Trump's speech, where people thought he had lost his mind and confused Greenland with Iceland due to the amount of frozen snow in Greenland, analysts now understand that the President was pitching for the US to buy out a major frozen food chain instead.


'It's true the President is prepared to send troops into Iceland HQ in Deeside, north Wales if necessary, but in reality he just wants to buy the chain and launch it in the US,' said White House spokesperson Caroline Leavitalone.  'And he's coming for Timpsons next,' she said.  A Timpsons spokesman said, 'cobblers'.




Trump immediately awarded all Nobel prizes


President Donald Trump has been awarded all of the Nobel Prizes on offer following his 2 hour press conference on Monday celebrating one year in office. 


The Nobel Committee admitted they were left with little choice after hearing Trump run through all of his achievements whist in office. 


'Wow, I mean just wow!', said Hans Down, a member of the Nobel committee. 'I literally had no idea about the sheer amount of good stuff that President Trump had done. I mean, talk about hiding your light under a bushel'. 


'All those bad guys that he's rounded up - and those little cards he'd made with all their names on and their crimes was just class', continued Down. 'And the 8 wars he's stopped. 8! I hadn't even heard of some of them, so the press conference was actually an education for me. And just his tone on Venezuela, Greenland, Chagos, Iran - it's so diplomatic. The Peace Prize was a no-brainer - no wonder they call him the Peacemaker's Peacemaker!'. 


The Chemistry prize was awarded to Trump for 'the chemistry he generates in all his dealings with anyone who disagrees or questions him even in the tiniest way, whilst the Physics prize was given to him for a press conference 'in which his sentence construction and rambling narratives defy all known laws'. 


'We've never given the Literature prize to a Press Conference speech before, but President Trump's corpus continues to push the boundaries of fiction', continued Down. 'The fantasy worlds that he conjures up at the lectern and his heroic role in everything that has ever happened in the world since time began is quite remarkable.'


For the physiology/medicine prize the committee pointed to Trump's ground-breaking views on paracetamol as well as the example he sets to public health with his daily 2 Big macs and full fat cokes diet. Whilst in Economics, the committee highlighted how his 'pluck a number out of the air' approach to tariff setting had resulted in the ripping up and rewriting of every economics textbook ever made. 


'They've given me all the Nobels, all the Nobels', said Trump modestly. 'Six of them. Right there. It's a beautiful thing. Never been done before. I don't remember Joe Biden getting any Nobels, unless there was a Nobel Prize for being Sleepy Joe. They took their time but I got what I deserved. I've suggested to the Norwegian guys that they set up some new categories -  best golf course owner, best White House ballroom designer, greatest ever person to ever have lived. Who knows I might be in line for some of these'. 





 


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