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Andy Burnham opens 'No 10 Slough'


In recognition of the fact that the north isn't the only neglected wasteland in the country, Andy Burnham has announced plans to open "No 10 Slough".


The new office, conveniently situated near a grim 1960s multi-storey car park, is thought to have formerly belonged to a paper manufacturer that went bust due to mismanagement. Burnham said that he wanted to be a friend to the staff more than a boss, and especially to make them laugh, saying his heroes weren't Labour Party titans like Nye Bevan or Clement Attlee, they were "Everett, Milligan, Cleese... Sessions."


However, his attempt to ingratiate himself with the staff with comedy fell flat, as it relied heavily on offensive stereotypes and impressions of people they'd never met. His failure was all the more galling when compared with the effortless popularity of office manager Neil Godwin, leading to a dance-off between the two which those who saw it say they will never forget.


A shamefaced Burnham now plans to return to the office as rarely as possible, and always with his dog. He promised not to get involved in the running of the place, only asking "Who does yer tampons?"




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White House aides voluntarily sh*t themselves to camouflage Trump odour


‘If everyone smells the same, then nobody can point the finger at the President. That’s why I’m willing to soil my underpants at work if it means distracting olfactory attention away from POTUS odour,’ said one White House Official who preferred not to be named. ‘ It doesn’t matter if the Oval office smells like shit if it helps Make America Great Again. A whole bunch of us are doing the same and we regard it as an honour to dispel communist myths that the president is incontinent. Who cares about dry-cleaning bills?’


Another said ‘despite a change to my diet I still find it hard to move my bowels to order, even when being shouted at by Pete Hegseth.’ She continued: 'I do find I can help matters along by powerfully breaking wind, to direct attention away from Mr Trump's trousers, although noise control can be an issue during his speeches. ‘It’s what you might call an ‘I am Fartacus’ moment.’


It’s understood that the Republican bowel movement movement is taking hold outside the White House, with Republicans around Washington with no access to the President joining in the new fashion, though some say the self-sh*tting is the result of falling Republican poll numbers and the prospect of poor showing in Mid Terms.





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Reform abandons cake wall after bakers warn it won’t work


Reform UK has abandoned plans to protect Britain’s borders with a 30-foot wall of cake after bakers warned it would be “vulnerable to rain and surprisingly easy to eat through”.


The party insisted the barrier could be built entirely from British flour, eggs and “absolutely no foreign jam”. Nigel Farage dismissed concerns about its structural integrity as “Two-Tier baking”.


Plans to switch from Victoria sponge to fruitcake were abandoned after a Home Office study found the wall would attract 14 million seagulls. Reform is now understood to be considering a moat filled with custard, although the alternative plan is only 50% thought through and, as yet, unproven.





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