Ed Sheeran is Keir Starmer’s lovechild

DNA evidence may say otherwise, but it is clear to anyone with eyes that the reason for their unpopularity is that they carry a unique apologist gene. Both possess the rare ability to appear as though they’re saying ‘sorry’ when clearly they’re not. And both can not see a PR rake without standing on it.

Ed has long career of music collaborations – which is now branching out into regime collaboration. His early demo tapes contain a faint background hum that, when slowed down, resembles Keir saying ‘free the sausages’. Ed’s trainers and Keir’s brogues share a manufacturer, evidence of a genetic fondness for sensible footwear. And mysteriously both men like the exact milk to foam ratio in their latte and the exact 50/50 on how they see genocide.

Ed once dropped a custard cream in a studio; at that precise moment, Keir felt ‘a sudden sense of loss’ and couldn’t explain why. Said one fan, ‘No one can be that unpopular by accident. Keir is the son of a toolmaker and Ed is the son of the tool.’

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State Pension to be paid using Crtptocurrency

The Treasury has confirmed that the State Pension will no longer be paid in cash over the Post Office counter or by bank transfer from next April.

'Neither the Post Office nor the major banks operating in the UK are equipped to handle the volume of money the British pensioner is expected to receive,' said a Treasury spokesman today.  'Obviously not all people over age sixty-six have access to a crypto account, or indeed have a blockchain number, so we're giving them time to get set up for what is looking like the pension bonanza of all time,' he said.  He confirmed pensions would be paid over the Dark Web going forward.  'It only makes sense,' he explained.

Alice, 71, is looking forward to the change.  'I could have used my four wheel shopping trolley once a week to pick the money up, but I'd be worried pushing that amount of cash around.  I haven't worked out how to Sellotape a bitcoin to the grandson's birthday card yet, but I'm sure I will,' she added.

Betty, 78, thinks crypto will revolutionise her twice weekly bingo sessions.  'Big Barry, who runs the bingo, is really up on this type of thing.  He's on Facebook now,' she explained.  'His partner Gail will probably struggle, she's only just stopped using Friends Reunited so I doubt she'll be much help, but Barry does the money anyway,' she said.

Economists have cautiously welcomed the change, but have urged the government to provide better guidance using TV advertising, Teletext and mailing Betamax infomercials to every pension household.

photo: Newsbiscuit Archive

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New Space Invaders style game for Reform MPs, councillors and Sennedd leaders

Following on from the arcade-style game released earlier this week that let Fascists Reform members pretend they were in charge of the Royal Navy performing illegal manoeuvres at sea to sink migrant boats, a new game has emerged.

In the new game the player has to wield a gaming dart and throw it at the Reform leadership*.  Hit a councillor and he/she will resign/defect/become an independent.  Hit three councillors on the same council and you've just won a bonus seat at Durham and get to hand Crafty Darren a pack of Kleenex.

Throw a Welsh shaped dart and score points for getting Reform Sennedd representatives to bail, or better still, hit a bullseye and get the leader to stand down (apparently not as difficult as it sounds, but be prepared for some coercive behaviour from them.

If you're throwing for the bullseye you might get an MP to change party, stand down or just admit that taking a £36M bribe is downright dodgy - don't expect to achieve a bullseye on your first game, but don't give up. 

Your game only provides credits for throwing darts whenever Reform leaders are lying or just spreading BS.  Otherwise known as unlimited throws.

photo: Newsbiscuit Archive

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