Extremist RNLI and the Pakistani Cricket team feel full wrath of 'Patriots'

Idiot groups of awful people are waging war on the extremist lifesaving RNLI and the Pakistani Cricket team, neither of which poses any threat to England, especially with that bowling attack. What are the new groups that will be soon facing “patriotic wrath”? Let’s have a look…

• The Brownies – for obvious reasons

• Food Banks – For causing the Cost-of-Living Crisis and being constantly being bailed out by do-gooding donation givers.

• Parliamentary Commissioner for Standards – For wasting taxpayers’ money on frivolous investigations into common sense £5,000,000 gifts. Anyway, £36,000,000 in dodgy crypto is much more de rigeur

• The Met Office – For using space lasers to control the UK’s weather and making it too hot and now a bit nippy.

• Trees – The leaf dropping bastards…. Standing there, doing nuffin’…thinking they’re better than us…taking our CO₂….I hate them so much…

Image: Newsbiscuit Archive

Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here

Trump to give everyone $5000 if they pay him $10,000 first

'Whadda bahgain,' his mob accountant exclaimed. 'Two‑fa‑one, kid. Ya're divahsifyin' ya votin' pohtfolio—half ya cash, all ya naïvetee. It's a reverse investmint strategy, ya know? You're provin' to everybody you ain't tied down by no conventional math.'

'Look, just think'a it like a tax on optimism, awright? And optimism—dat's a renewable resource, so really, you're goin' green. You're payin' for the exclusive privilege of bein' financially aerodynamic—less money, less drag. You're buyin' yaself a luxury lesson in trust issues, which lemme tell ya, is worth way more than the five grand you got back.'

And if you don't wanna participate?

'Nice lil' country ya got heah. Be a real shame if somethin' happened to it… ya catch my drift?'

Image: chandan_ai - Pixabay

Lords seek assurances assisted dying won’t apply to them

As the House of Commons once again debates assisted dying, the Lords, which rejected the bill last time around, is seeking assurances they won’t be affected.

'It’s a question of who it applies to,' said Lord Bufton of Tufton. 'When I look at these criteria - less than six months to live, unable to live independently without constant care, unable to give informed consent - almost everyone in this chamber seems to qualify.

'I’m afraid if you want our support, we’re going to need assurances that the law won’t apply to posh people as it does to everyone else. Which is standard practice, after all.'

At this point, a number of his colleagues suddenly woke up as they thought he’d said something about hunting, shooting, fishing or inheritance tax exemptions, but quickly fell asleep again.

Image: Lords debates Russia / Ukraine - UK Parliament