An unlikely job swap for Sam Battle and Keir Starmer

In an unexpected move, Sam Battle and Keir Starmer are to swap jobs.

Sam Battle, who underscored his musical talent at Eurovision, will take over as Prime Minister next week. Commentators say that he will bring a tremendous energy and enthusiasm to the role, which Keir Starmer has been unable to harness. He has said that he will continue to wear his trademark pink boiler suit for the duration of his premiership.  He said that his main goal would be to ‘not make any U-turns’.  He dismissed the suggestion that he would be known as ‘Look Mum, No Policies’ as frivolous.  He added, 'I couldn't do any worse than Keir, could I?'

Keir Starmer, who has underscored as Labour party leader and PM, will be Britain’s Eurovision entry for 2027. In a statement, he said that he understood the importance of music to Britain and to the British economy. He said that he was disappointed with the poor result this year, which he attributed to the cost of living, the price of energy, international bond markets and the rise of Reform. He felt that Things Could Only Get Better and that he would be taking advice from Angela Rayner, as she could probably give a decent performance of Bangaranga, given the chance. He said that he would be judged by results, and that he was aiming to score at least two points.  He added, 'I couldn't do any worse than Sam, could I?'

image from Grok

Homer releases new epic called The Trumpyssey

Ancient Greek author Homer has released his first epic for 3,000 years, called the Trumpyssey.

The story, written in the author's signature dactylic hexameter, tells of how King Trump is lured into the Persian Gulf by the Sirens of Likud along with his ship of fools - Vance, Hegseth, Witkoff, and all the deranged hayseeds who attended his rallies.

Trump then spends years trying and failing to extricate them all through the Strait of Hormuz.

Every day, he claims he is 'very close' to a deal with the Persians which will get him out of the situation into which he moronically pitched himself . But he is trapped between a rock and a hard place: the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps and his own monstrous ego - meaning that he manages only to go round and round in circles for years.

Finally, King Trump's crew mutiny and make him walk the plank - ie. his gormless son-in-law Jared Kushner.

Watch out for a Cameo appearance from King Trump's vile acolyte Nigel Farage, the mythical One-Eyed Trouser Snake of Clacton.

An apology: When this story was first published, we incorrectly said that Homer wrote in iambic pentameter, a writing style more usually associated with William Shakespeare. Homer, of course, usually wrote in dactylic hexameter. We are happy to set the record straight and apologise for the error, a lapse from the high standards to which we aspire.

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That five million pounds: an explanation

The five million quid was a gift to guarantee my security. I bought an expensive house, because it would be easier to secure, and I bought some of those switches to turn the lights on and off to make it look like you're at home.  And I need the rest of the money for my other safe houses. I can't say where they are, I'm afraid.  At least one of them is in Britain.  I needed security because I wasn't going to be an MP, and lots of people were very upset about that.

The money also covers dry cleaning for my suits - getting out banana milkshake, for example.

No, wait. It's a reward for achieving Brexit. 27 years work. That's only £185k a year. Not that it was a payment.  It was a non-taxable reward - for me, not the country.  It is a reward for things that I've done in the past. There is no expectation that I might do anything in return, in the future.

Actually, it was a lottery win. No, I didn't keep the ticket. Yes, it was a British lottery. Definitely not EuroMillions.

I found it in the street in Westminster. I took it to the police, but nobody claimed it, so it's mine.

I won it, after betting on myself to win I'm a Celebrity.

I earned it on Cameo, but I earned it outside the country so it's not taxable. That's what Angela told me, anyway.

I had a really valuable Pokémon card, which I sold for five million quid.  A picture of a lizard that evolves into a toad, or something.  It was called Chameleozard, I think. That's where the money came from.

It's not my money, it was just resting in my account.

Can we talk about something else now?

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