Keir Starmer to serve popcorn for leadership election

Following his charitable visit last week serving popcorn to students in a Milton Keynes Odeon, Keir Starmer has announced he will be setting up his own popcorn stand in the corner of the Labour Party’s upcoming leadership election. ‘He really got into the swing of it, scooping it into bags and adding toppings,’ said the Downing Street Press Secretary. ‘He said it felt like the first time in two years he was doing something that mattered. So he has decided that he will continue to serve popcorn just as he has served the country - with strength, integrity and a discount deal when you buy a drink.’

A Junior Minister spoke about the upcoming event on a recent breakfast show appearance, ‘It’s going to be a tough day for him. I think he wants to stay out of the limelight, but still give back to the party he has fought for all these years, more specifically the choices of sweet, salty and toffee in medium and large sized bags.’

Following this news, there are reports that Ed Miliband is planning a rival stand serving bacon sandwiches.

Image credit: ChatGPT

Those new Burnham policies in full

As the nation looks forward to a proper northern Prime Minister, with proper northern policies, Newsbiscuit presents a handy guide to what we can all expect.

1. More investment in the north. 'Currently the north's benefits bill is a huge drain on the rest of the country,' said Andy Burnham today. 'Instead, we should send just as much money north, but call it investment. Which would in some way be better.'

2. The national anthem to be replaced by the music from the Hovis ad, or the theme tune to Coronation Street on ceremonial occasions.

3. The three meals of the day to be called breakfast, dinner and 'us tea', the last of which must always be bread and dripping washed down with Yorkshire tea.

4. Plans to join the euro to be abandoned, and sterling instead to be replaced with pies.

5. London always to be referred to as 'that London'.

6. A picture of Liam Gallagher putting two fingers up to be on every banknote.

7. Assuming someone's from Yorkshire when they're actually from Lancashire (or vice versa) to be made a capital offence.

8. Manchester City to be exempted from Premier League spending limits (isn't this true already?).

   
   

9. Vastly exaggerating the hardship of your childhood to be made compulsory.

10. BBC transmission to finish every night with an episode of Phoenix Nights.

11. Monkeh to be given a peerage for his services to tea sales, with a further award for "not being stuck up".

12. A new HS3 train line to be built between Leeds and Bradford, 'cos there's nowhere else worth goin' ter.'

13. An annual pilgrimage to Makerfield to be required of every citizen, except of course Andy Burnham who'll

never set foot there again.

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Zia Yusuf 'Happy to accept explanation'

Home affairs spokesman for Reform UK Zia Yusuf has said he is 'completely satisfied' with Nigel Farage's explanation as to why he has been blocked from standing as a candidate at by-elections.

Yusuf refuted suggestions that the block has anything at all to do with the colour of his skin. 'Yes, of course this idea crossed my mind at first,' said Yusuf, 'but I challenged Nigel about it, and he was frank and honest with me. He said he could give me five million reasons if he wished, but merely emphasised the fact that I am a blithering idiot. A useful face but absolutely not suitable to represent the party in Parliament. At first, I was dubious, but then when I saw the quality of the people who actually stood, and saw some of their social media output, I realised he was being harsh but fair.

Image: NewsBiscuit archive