UK threatens West Bank settlement with milquetoast and tutting

The Foreign Secretary is to lay out a series of timid sanctions designed to mildly inconvenience the Netanyahu regime. This will be followed by a strongly worded postcard campaign. Every Monday, government officials will send handwritten notes expressing ‘deep disappointment’ in increasingly large fonts.

A Foreign Office official confirmed, ‘Yes, we helped them commit a genocide but you have to agree reducing diplomatic applause by 7% will have devasting effects.’ Alongside this the UK will symbolically close its Embassy Gift Shop, meaning ‘I ❤ war crimes’ keyrings will become significantly harder to obtain.

There will be a one minute of deliberate awkward silence at every summit, while delegates stare at their notes and pretend to check messages. Tough sanction include the immediate removal of preferred biscuit status - visiting Israeli diplomats will be moved from chocolate digestives to rich tea. ‘Existing friendship bracelets may be retained, but no new ones may be exchanged until relations improve.’

Image: WixAI

Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here

Farage reports UK to Ofcom for anti-Farage bias

'Everyone in the media is talking about the so-called dodgy donations I took from crypto-barons and the mothers of fraudsters,' said an ashen-faced Nigel Farage on the sidelines of his party's trainwreck of a conference.

'But that's plain bias. Why aren't they talking about the money that Conservative and Labour get from crypto-barons and the mothers of fraudsters? They keep quiet about that, don't they?

'And it's no good saying there's no evidence. If the media were really unbiased, they'd invent evidence against the other political parties just to balance things up.

'That's the complaint Reform UK is putting to Ofcom, and if they don't uphold it that'll prove Ofcom is biased, too.

'And we want members of the public to stop talking in their totally biased way about dodgy donations down the pub and outside the school gates at picking-up time.

'In fact, when Reform comes to power we'll have secret Ofcom agents lurking in pubs and at school gates to arrest all these biased members of the public and deport them, whether they're foreign or not.

'Let's see how you like talking about dodgy donations when you're in a mud hut in Rwanda, chums,' warned Mr Farage.

Image: WixAI

AI creates AP - Artificial Politics

AI is currently busy creating - and funding - new, leaderless political parties. Which is, apparently, OK in the UK provided the AI is based in this country and in not in some nasty foreign place. And apparently AI doesn't (yet) have any offspring, conveniently living here, through which it can channel its resources from other places.

These new leaderless parties include Resurrect Britain, Refurbish Britain, Repair Britain, Re-Style Britain, Re-Model Britain, Replenish Britain, Recondition Britain and Reconstruct Britain. However another new agency, AI (Artificial Investigation) is believed to be currently checking where, how and by whom these new, artificial parties are being artificially funded.

Image: Gábor Szűts (@szutsi) | Unsplash Photo Community

Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here