Trump signs 'genius' nuclear armageddon deal with Saudi Arabia

Hot upon the heels of turning the entire Middle East into a war zone by attacking Iran at Israel's behest, Donald Trump has agreed to give Saudi Arabia all the equipment it needs to refine material for an atomic bomb.

'Of course it's for a bomb,' chuckled a spokes-launch site for the Saudi monarchy. 'We're sitting on deep seas of oil and natural gas. Why would we want nuclear material for power stations?

'It's like this. Because Iran is building nuclear weapons, we want the technology to make them too. Then there'll be a nuclear stand-off in the Middle East between two massively brutal and unpredictable regimes.

'That's why every US leader up until now has refused to even think about giving the Saudi regime nuclear technology.

'But you know President Donald. All you have to do is hand over some money and ask.'

'It's another genius Middle East move by our president,' said a White House spokes-dimwit, 'because it means Iran will now go all out and build the atom bomb that it's spent the past 30 years tinkering about with. Then there'll be some actual nuclear warheads there for our military to blow up.'

'They'll make mushrooms clouds like you'd never believe,' crowed the US president, signing his catastrophically dumb deal with Saudi Arabia in the Oval Office. 'So never say I don't put on a show for you.'

'Are you not entertained?'

Image: WixAI

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Electricians reject Burnham's 'circuit breaker' idea

Electricians have poured cold water - never a good idea when electricity is involved - on the new Prime Minister's call for a 'circuit breaker' for the entire country. 'It's just not practical,' said Des from Bromley, while putting in a new light above his neighbour's bathroom sink and asking to be paid in cash. 'I can barely keep up with calls as it is. Who's going to install this 'circuit breaker'? How big will it be? Where's it going to be put?'

Those questions remain unanswered, though there is much speculation that the Angel of the North will become the Circuit Breaker of the North. Many say she already looks like a giant electricity pylon with her arms outstretched.

The Prime Minister made the circuit breaker pledge while addressing supporters in Downing Street, a statement reading 'I know people at home are fed up with their smart TVs saying 'power off in three minutes. Press OK to continue watching'. No one understands this. I hear you and I want to be honest with you – the fuses we have been using are not good enough, and we need to be better. Whether three-pin or those awkward two-pin ones for your toothbrush, our plugs deserve to be better, and they will be. This is the moment we pledged a giant circuit breaker that will look after every home and workplace in the country, bringing forward the biggest changes in the last 40 years – a new political model and a new economic model.'

To provide 'breathing space' to alleviate the cost-of-living crisis, the Prime Minister has also promised a free Bunsen Burner for every council home in the country. The move has led to speculation that Burnham is modelling his ideas on state schools of the Seventies and Eighties. This view is backed up by Burnham's announcement that members of his Cabinet are to be called prefects. Each Cabinet minister will also have their own locker.

Image: Marc Zeman (@der_zeman) | Unsplash Photo Community

First his wife, now Andy Burnham’s female neighbours to be criticised for their dress sense

Andy Burnham's neighbours in Warrington are receiving fashion guidance to ensure that anybody in close proximity to the new PM meets the approval of online harridans who spend their time dreaming up ways to insult other women.

'I just saw a picture of a woman who lives down his road', one tweeted, 'terrible shoes. She's probably a murderer'.

'Woman in his local pub had false nails – and one was chipped' said another. 'Sure sign of a fraudster'.

So far all of the venom is directed at women, by women, demonstrating that feminism isn't just dead, it's been cremated and the ashes scattered in a junkyard at night under a full moon.

NewsBiscuit asked some of the critics for an interview but they all declined to be photographed. Funny, that.

Image: Armen Aydinyan (@mumble57) | Unsplash Photo Community