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Rachel Reeves transforms UK's gold reserves into lead



The Bank of England has released the shock news that chancellor of the exchequer Rachel Reeves accidentally turned all the 310 tons of gold in its vaults into lead, damp leaves and slime.


"We should never have let her near it," sobbed a spokes-cashier for the Bank. "She said she just wanted to pop her head round the door and see how much of Britain's wealth was left for the government to squander. I swear she was down there for less than two minutes.


"But when we went to lock up, we found that every one our 400,000 bars of gold had disappeared and been replaced with total dross."


"We knew all along that Rachel Reeves has got this weird reverse Midas touch," the spokes-cheque continued, kicking itself angrily in the shins. "After all, her two budgets had managed to freeze UK economic growth, collapse the value of government bonds and send youth unemployment soaring. We were just waiting for her next disaster to happen."


"I am confident that Rachel will recoup a great deal of the riches she unfortunately destroyed by selling off the lead for pencils and the leaves and slime for mulch," said Sir Keir Starmer, "and her job as chancellor is totally safe for as long as I'm Prime Minister.


"Oh, is that the removals van?"



MPs slam 'disgraced' former leader


MPs have lined up to express their anguish and anger over the fact that Sir Kier Starmer didn’t have a secret life. A recently elected representative (who wished only to be known as ‘AB’) said “I am deeply upset that someone who claimed to be a leader was not a serial womaniser or embezzler. I mean he didn’t have numerous affairs or parked an illegitimately gained camper van outside number 11.


We knew when we elected him that he seemingly didn’t have a dodgy past, had a good employment record outside of politics and wasn’t high in the charisma stakes. Come to think about it this is possibly a factor in us winning a 2024 election landslide and destroying the Tory party.


But that is all it the past. To our dismay we are now finding he is exactly what he purported to be. Boring! His only compulsive hoarding was some pencil sharpeners!! What we need is someone diametrically opposite to lead the Labour party and the nation into the 22nd century!!. Someone like me who is charismatic and err..... this is off the record right? “



Trump vows to repair well-oiled machine


A meticulously-maintained machine is the new target of US President Donald Trump and his mission to make everything better. According to the White House, President Trump will fix the model of reliability so that it’s the most reliable machine ever seen, whereas President Barack HUSSEIN Obama only made the machine operate like clockwork. Under the same policy, clocks that work like clockwork will also be mended.


There is reportedly no need to invite any qualified organisations to bid for the work as President Trump is very familiar with plenty of cowboy outfits through his love of Westerns. And the price will be the best price, to be negotiated personally by Trump with no regard to personal gain whatsoever.


When the job is complete, a huge celebration is planned to recognise the achievements. The well-oiled machine which previously operated without a hitch will now be claimed to work even better with a hitch installed. The credit for this will be given to the President who will rightly claim he should be given a prize.


However, should the machine appear to become less reliable, any suggestion that the hitch was unnecessarily introduced will be rigorously denied. Should those rumours persist, the suggestion that the work was sabotaged will be initially floated, then forcefully stated and finally reinforced through threats.


And those who attempt to draw parallels between the well-oiled machine and the American economy or International Relations or the Strait of Hormuz or the Reflecting Pool will be similarly threatened.



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