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The internet was briefly plunged into chaos earlier today after an anonymous group of activists successfully hacked online text-based applications worldwide, causing every instance of the word ‘Trump’ to be automatically replaced with the word ‘Fart’. The edit came with an added flourish: a thunderous farting sound blasting from phones, laptops, e-readers, and even office printers.


The hack spared no one - social media posts, news articles, legal briefs and even children’s homework erupted in synchronized flatulence. Across the world, buses, trains, shopping malls and even libraries reverberated with a chorus of loud, wet fart noises, which sounded as if they had been recorded during a gastrointestinal emergency.


The situation reached DEFCON brown when President Trump attempted to condemn the hack via his platform, Truth Social. Instead of a stern rebuke, his followers were greeted with a post which read: “Fart, fart, FART, fart, FAKE NEWS, fart, fart, BIGLY FART,” each word accompanied by the deafening sound of explosive diarrhoea, which reportedly caused several phones to vibrate off tables. Supporters described Trump’s post as ‘surprising, but on-brand’.


The activists later issued a statement explaining that the stunt was designed to ‘illustrate, in the simplest possible terms, that President Trump talks out of his anus and is full of crap’. Many political commentators praised the group for ‘effectively matching tone to content’.

Although cybersecurity experts quickly fixed the breach and restored the word ‘Trump’ to its less flatulent spelling, critics argue that the damage lingers. “The hack is gone,” one observer said, “but Trump’s words still carry a persistent whiff of bullshit.”




The Russian defence ministry has dismissed 'outrageous claims' from the Centre for Strategic Studies that the Russian army has lost 1.2 million troops in the special military operation in Ukraine.


A spokesman confirmed, 'Only three Russian soldiers have died, and in each case it was their own fault.  One other soldier has injured his leg after slipping in some mud, in a trap set up by saboteurs.  Beyond that, everything continues to go very well indeed. As you Yankees say, we're having a blast.'




“I can’t believe it,” said Terry Marsden, a 44-year-old wellness plasterer from Dagenham. “I came downstairs this morning and made myself the first cuppa of the day in the kitchen. I opened up the bifolds to the conservatory, sat down with the paper, and realised there was no roof. Worse than that, it was tanking down with rain. I looked up and realised the conservatory had completely gone — and I mean completely. All 4.0 x 5.5 m of it, including the responsibly sourced timber and 28 mm double glazing.


All I found was a note saying it had defected to Reform. If you ask me, it’s gone mental and I’m well rid of it.”



A Reform UK spokesfuhrer denied the conservatory was a waste of space. "Several lavatories have already defected and we welcome a senior conservatory to the ranks. This is exactly the kind of experience we need, together with fully insulated sandwich panels, if we are going to run the country."



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