Trump gives order for Artemis II rocket to be fired at Tehran

US President Donald Trump has given the go-ahead for the Artemis II rocket to be fired at buildings in the centre of Tehran thought to be harbouring high ranking Iranian officials.

Trump posted a message on Truth Social late last night denying the rocket was ever sent on a space-flight mission to orbit the moon and was actually packed with high-explosive unitary warheads aimed at levelling the Iranian capital.

Astronauts on Artemis II had earlier raised concerns about a problem with the plumbing aboard the $93 billion rocket saying they thought the big barrel under the bathroom sink marked with a skull & crossbones was just toilet duck for flushing the S bend and were horrified to find out it was in fact a bomb intended to flush out the supreme leader in Tehran.

Trump was bemused at criticism over his comments saying he thought everyone outside of the NASA bubble was in on the ruse.

‘Come on…..a Canadian, a woman, a man of colour and someone from a Democrat voting state…..did you really think the rocket was sent into orbit so that a bunch of losers could fly around the moon just to take selfies of the earth….give me a break you pussy’.

image by Grok

Artemis II unable to fake moon landing

Nasa has conceded that their latest spacecraft is unable to go where the Apollo missions went, which is a soundstage somewhere in the Nevada desert. Said one scientist, 'We conveniently lost all the original data, alongside who shot JFK. This means we cannot replicate the fake flag and questionable photography, instead we are forced to actually visit the Moon-which is the one thing the aliens asked us not to do.”

Fifty years since the original fake landing, we now forced to pretend that our technology is worse than the 70s-which is only true when talking about Prog Rock. We are now expected to believe that Artemis will have 41 minutes of communication blackout, while Richard Nixon was able to order pizza from Apollo 11 using two papercups connected by string.

Instead Artemis II will do a quick lap of the moon, ignoring all the otherworldly cities made from cheese. The return flight will be fairly straight forward once North America lines up with them, which is less complicated now that we know the Earth is flat. 'Thank goodness we launched on April 1st.'

image by Grok

Reform seeks candidates who are “a bit less Reformy”

Following scandals over candidates doing Nazi salutes or saying the victims of the Grenfell fire “would have died anyway”, Reform have decided they need to find candidates who “are a bit less Reformy”.

The strategy was outlined by party chairman Lee Anderthal, who before he went into politics specialised in making stone tools and flint arrowheads.

“The trouble is, we seem to only attract people who are a bit dim and hopeless. Who just have a vague, self-pitying dislike of the modern world they’re not intelligent enough to process, and imagine it’s all the fault of immigrants.”

”He’s right,” agreed the head of the party’s Irish branch, Austral O’Pithecus, whose special responsibilities include making fire. “Everyone who joins Reform basically sees things as stupidly as we do. We need to find people who are much smarter than us, but inexplicably want to be Reform candidates.”

They concluded by expressing the hope their new manifesto might attract the kind of people they want. Unfortunately it’s thought it wasn’t seen by many people, as it was only available as a cave painting.

image by Grok