Tories urge that golf courses rush to identify any ancient walkways on their land

Golf courses are now in a hurry to identify any historic walkways on their land which the public enjoy a right to use, as they are now at risk to having compulsory purchase orders placed on the land for house building.

The move follows a previous plan by the Tory party to set a deadline of 2031, beyond which historic but unrecorded public paths and bridleways needed to be mapped so that farmers who own golf courses would legally be able to tell ramblers to get orf their land or pay for golf club membership.

The Labour government has however scrapped this deadline, since mapped rights of way might cause issues when it begins building homes on the land where golf clubs had existed, before the golfers were turfed off and the wasted land gets used for building desperately needed homes.

The deputy Labour leader told Newsbiscuit that she would hate to learn her house had been built on an unmapped right of way and have to get out of the bath to open her front door every time a group of muddy-booted ramblers or horse riders use their ancient right to pass through her house and that she doubted first time homebuyers would like it either, so it’s better to know where the pathways are first.

Age Concern however is hoping that mapping the ancient walkways might identify some footpaths which have had houses built on them, as this may attract ramblers who will give pensioners a bit of company, albeit briefly; and could help them put their bins out for the dustmen.

Pensioner Arthur Smollett, said he wouldn’t mind it if his house turned out to be built on a bridleway, because his begonias could use a bit of horse manure now and again.

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Labour to assign nannies to 35 million British homes, deny accusations of nanny statism

Labour Party higher ups are refuting accusations of running a nanny state after parliament passed legislation allocating a female nanny to live-in with every single family in the United Kingdom. Each will be portly but not younger than 37. The nannies, claimed Ed Milliband, will merely be there to ‘offer guidance where required on the complexities of living in modern Britain.’ In a personal aside, Milliband said he had fond memories of ‘Nanny Jenkins’ and could, when he paused to recollect, still smell ‘the faint aroma of bicarbonate of soda that always entered the room with her.’

Opponents of the idea suggest that what the government is planning to do is supervise every aspect of Briton’s lives under the threat of prosecution if they break any of the recently elected government’s new laws on such matters as yogurt adverts, coal, smoking, being over 50 in Sunderland, or cellular communication use of the word ‘riot.’ Concerns are mounting, as the response to the new policy has seen a rush of divorces by men who misunderstand their new right to claim a mail-order home help.

Opposition is being further bolstered by immigration skeptics. They claim the 35 million new migrant females required to fill the positions will put a strain on the NHS, as frustrated Brits resistant to being told what to do put them in hospital. ‘It’s a recipe for chaos,’ said sources close to Gordon Ramsay, when shown the recipe. ‘That argument is a false opposition,’ claimed opponents of the Ramsay source. ‘With the new, streamlined right to die act, we should see the population start to balance out somewhere around 2042.’

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Trump’s Christmas Bargain Hunt

President-to-be Trump has hit the headlines yet again regarding his proposals for the US to take over Greenland and the Panama Canal.

However a Newsbiscuit exclusive can reveal that Trump has set his sights much further afield.

It is understood that negotiations are well advanced for the Isle of Wight to become the 51st State. Already plans are being drawn up for the western side to become the world’s largest ICBM base, the eastern side a 18000 hole golf course. Subject of course to planning permission - which is thought to be a formality.

To plug another gap in America’s strategic defences, it is believed that the purchase of the Tiverton Canal is nearly finalised, and a deposit paid. Once Trump is inaugurated the canal will be dismantled and moved to the USA / Mexico border as the ultimate deterrent to stop illegal immigration.

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