"Here's the reason why every true patriot should support me when I start bombing Iran again after the mid-terms," US President Donald Trump told his favourite publication, Antichristian Science Monitor. "Their leaders are downright un-American.
"They rule their country on a whim, waste money on self-worshipping vanity projects and rake huge amounts of money off the top, which is totally unlike the way I do things.
"They're also a bunch of self-righteous hypocrites who accuse their critics of telling fake news while lying compulsively thesmselves. You won't catch us doing that here in the White House.
"And they send thugs onto the streets to crack down on undesirables while persecuting universities and news organisations who've displeased them. I only do that to the likes of Harvard and CNN, who asked me: 'Please, sir. Make an example of us.'
"And Iran's leaders are a bunch of useless geriatics who fall asleep in meetings. Don't ever accuse me of doing that," said Trump, stifling a yawn.
"That's fake snooze!"
