Politics 9/0

Probation Service to receive extra stationery

Sep 6

In readiness for the early release of a few million murderers and rapists, the Home Office has announced an increase in rubber bands, headed notepaper and staples for the Probation Service.

‘This Government is committed to public service’, a spokesman said. ‘Whether it’s extra envelopes, a swivel chair or whiteboard markers, we aim to ensure that public services are properly resourced’.

Jake, 32, is a probation officer in Liverpool. ‘I’m really buzzing about the extra paper’, he said. ‘I’m getting 3,000 more crims on my caseload next month so I’ll need to keep the printer stacked. And the paperclips should be handy in keeping my eyelids open’.

Image: geralt - Pixabay

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Pippin Fort soldiers told to stop non-essential training to save money

Ian Searle

Sep 6

Captain Snort has been told to stop reduce exercises to save money, according to a Camberwick Green Parish Council source. It will continue to train soldiers preparing to be deployed or on deployments helping to organise the Chigley Biscuit Factory Dance. But Sergeant Major Grout, the second-in-command at the fort, who is not preparing for a specific deployment has been told to cut back on demonstrating their foot drill due to financial pressures.

It comes as the Prime Minister, formally the Mayor of Trumpton, faces pressure to increase spending on defence. Mr Troop the town clerk said the plans mean the soldiers will continue working in the community and responding to emergencies. But no longer doing what he called "nice to have training” like providing the local fire-fighting capability with their bright red mobile fire pump, which will be decommissioned.

This is bad news for the commander of Trumpton’s Fire Station Captain Flack who has already been forced to make Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, and Cuthbert, leaving him with just Dibble, Grubb and two retained firefighters, Chippy Minton the carpenter and his apprentice son Nibs.

It is understood there are plans to replace the fort’s army truck, which has been described as “humpety bumpety” by a Defence spokesperson, with an Apache helicopter.

An Army spokesperson, Private Higgins, said: "It is a shame. People used to wave, to the soldiers brave. Who would sing and shout, as they lurched about”.

The prime minister replied: "I've made that commitment very clear, and I have done for a considerable period of time. We are investing in a new windmill for Windy Miller, and replacing Doctor Mopp with an AI chatbot”.

Image: co-pilot

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Facial reconstruction of 1000-year-old man

Wally Dug

Sep 5

Reform UK leader Nigel Farage has called upon the Police to arrest Norman Conquest on terrorism charges. He alleges that Mr Conquest came to the UK illegally from Europe, possibly Scandinavia, round about 1066.

Norman Conquest's skeletal remains were found buried at St Peter's Church in Barton-upon-Humber 50 years ago, with a newspaper dated 26 January 1079 found in his possession, along with a letter stating that he is on a waiting list for a hip replacement and would be contacted in due course.

Researchers at the Face Lab at Liverpool John Moores University have used the latest digital facial reconstruction techniques to recreate Mr Conquest's face. Kevin Booth from English Heritage said: 'I was really surprised at how well technology was able to recreate Norman Conquest's face pretty realistically.' When asked how he knew that the face had been recreated 'pretty realistically', his eyes turned bright red and he growled, 'Because I was there.'

Mr Farage later said, 'As the Member of Parliament for... Clackerton, is it? I have certain privileges and I have taken the image of Norman Conquest and checked it against the UK Border Space Force Control database and there is no record of him arriving in this country legally, so I assume he arrived via a small boat in Autumn 1066, invaded England and set-up home here. He probably didn't pay any taxes either, so he has entered the country illegally and committed acts of terrorism against the Anglo Saxons - the only true British people - and hasn't contributed to the country at all, so he should be found, arrested and sent back to where he came from.'

When it was pointed out that Mr Conquest died close to a thousand years ago so that would be pretty difficult, Mr Farage continued, "Well, you would say that, wouldn't you? Another example of the so-called Establishment out to mess with the man on the street. Well, I am that man on the street and you shouldn't mess with me - I could easily resign as an MP and force another by-election in Cacklington.'

Image: Erik_Lyngsoe - Pixabay

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