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Trump demands ceasefire between Burnham and Starmer


The President, visibly strained, released a statement urging calm, dignity, and the immediate cessation of Starmer's interpretive eye-rolling since Burnham won the Makerfield by-election. While neither man has formally declared any kind of war, they have stopped exchanging Christmas cards. Burnham agreed in principle to a ceasefire but insisted that it must recognise historic grievances about who has the most coiffured side-parting.


Both parties refused to sit at the same table, instead conducting negotiations via passive-aggressive memes. Burnham escalated tension by unveiling a 47-page document entitled Why I hate Starmer, consisting largely of annotated WhatsApp timestamps. Trump is reluctant to give his support to either side, while JD Vance is said to favour Wes Streeting—as a comic interlude.


The President issued a stern warning about dangerous rhetorical escalation, which both men interpreted as tacit support for using the "C" word. As he convened an emergency summit; both men agree not to refer to each other as "the bland one" for a period of 24 hours. Talks nearly succeeded when both agree on a shared dislike of Trump’s mediation style, but collapsed again when they argue over who wanted to be his poodle more.





Farage blames Restore for “splitting the gammon vote”



Following Andy Burnham’s victory in the Makerfield by-election, Reform leader Nigel Farage has hit out at Restore Britain for “splitting the gammon vote”.


“I know Britain has a lot of irascible boneheads with a vague sense of discontent they’re not intelligent enough to process,” he told reporters today. “But it’s not an infinite number, and we have to beware of Johnny-come-latelies like Restore splitting their vote.


”Frankly, it’s bad enough some of them are still voting Reform-lite... I mean Conservative. I would have thought ‘one of them’ leading the party would be the last straw, but apparently not.”


But the leader of Restore, Rupert Lowe, hit back, saying it was entirely possible to be even madder than Farage, and he and his friends the dancing pink giraffes fully intended to exercise that right. However, he was then outflanked by a new party called Refresh, at which point the next ballot paper risks looking like a list of air fresheners.


For his part, Andy Burnham pointed out that splitting the vote was irrelevant as his tally was more than Reform and Restore put together. “Though to be honest I got that from Diane Abbott, so you’d probably better check it.”




‘Master Race’ regrets choosing representatives from the bargain bin


A spokesman for the Master Race has apologised to the press for some of the race’s recent representatives.


‘Okay, a few of them look like they had difficult births. Some did, to be fair. And yeah, there’s always one at a rally in a weird suit with 1940s hair who looks like his Mum still makes his sandwiches. And none of them can punctuate, spell or use English grammar. But that doesn’t mean they don’t represent Engerland, the greatest race the world has ever seen’.


Master race enthusiasts have launched a recruitment drive to attract members with jobs and teeth, preferably family men who don’t need to dress up as Spider-man because their kids have been taken away. It isn’t going well.


‘There’s a lot of competition’, the spokesman said. ‘The happy ones don’t feel the need to show the world how superior they are, and as for the disillusioned, the embittered, life’s failures – well, the ones who can write go to PE Teacher Training College. That leaves us with – you can see what it leaves us with. A good bunch of lads, ready for a ruck, but not exactly PE teacher material’.


Are you a member of the Master Race? Are you inexplicably free during the working day? Well-balanced and psychologically stable yet enjoy throwing bins at police officers? Maybe you could volunteer at a far-right party in your neighbourhood. PE teachers and other woke intellectuals need not apply.









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