Interpol searching for Nigel Farage

The Metropolitan Police has thrown its collective arms up in despair after searching fruitlessly for weeks for the not-usually-publicity-shy Reform leader. 'We tried the House of Commons but drew a blank, we even contacted Clacton police station but they just laughed and hung up on us,' said a spokesman.

The BBC Question Time team has been approached for clues, but they're as puzzled as everyone else. Even Laura Kuenssberg hasn't seen him and is pining.

'We've asked Interpol to assist, but we're not holding our breath. Their liaison asked if we'd checked the South Coast for dinghies that could be transporting him. We don't think they're taking it very seriously, either,' the spokesman said.

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Government to open 1100 new hospital wards

Every hospital will site a new ward on unused roof space or in a car park. The 'outdoor ward' initiative will give patients the benefit of natural sunlight and fresh air.

'Outdoor wards are tremendous value for money,' said a junior minister with his fingers crossed behind his back. 'Much cheaper than one of Boris's imaginary new hospitals. We can offer extra beds really quickly - perfect for all the pissheads who injure themselves after a skinful. Normally, they'd take their chances sleeping it off in a park or a cemetery. Now they can sleep it off in an outdoor ward.'

The government has confirmed that the initiative will be paid for out of existing budgets. Hospitals confirmed 'business as usual then'.

The minister pointed at a car park. 'There's one.' then pointed at a neighbouring field, 'There's another one!'

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Rochdale Man Tells Of His Heartbreak Over Reform Rejection

A semi-literate Rochdale man has broken his silence over the heartbreak of failing to be selected as a Reform candidate in the local elections.

Ian Kerlot, 37, took the unusual step of pleading his case by writing an open letter to Nigel Farage, reproduced below.

'Deer Mr Fromage

I wanna be a counseler or a mp for refom coz I beleve we have to stop the boats and stop forreners taiking are jobs a claming benefits. I didnt go to scool much and hav no qolificasions and i thort that wood count aggenst me but i was amaized to be turned down coz i dont have a crinimal record. I reely wanna make are country grate aggen and i will do anythink to do it so i am gonna beet me misses up or drive a car at a woke lefty / will have to steel it tho coz i ent got a lisens. Plees have a word coz hating forreners is all i have in life.

They shud speek gud Ingurlish like me.

Yorz, Ian Kerlot'

We tried to contact Mr Farage for a comment, but he's famously publicity shy and just like his hero Donald Trump he is currently shitting himself.

Author: cliveoseman

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