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Ring bemoans lack of hats being thrown into it


A Westminster based ring has complained about the severe lack of hats being thrown into it, it has been confirmed. 


Ringo Tsar, 35, a 24-inch diameter composite metal ring with silver plating cut a dejected figure outside 10 Downing Street this afternoon, as it became increasingly clear that there were unlikely to be a procession of head-covering objects being thrust in his general direction.


'Times have never been as tough in this game as they are now', noted Tsar sadly. 'When a PM resigns there's usually plenty of hats being thrown in. When Johnson left, there were more hats than you could throw a shitty stick at. Same with Theresa May - it was like that scene in The Thomas Crowne Affair where there are hundreds of Pierce Brosnan's wandering around an art gallery in black bowler hats.'


'Even in 2008, when Tony Blair resigned and Gordon Brown was nailed on more than Jesus on Good Friday, John McDonnell took off his Che Guevara style beret and tossed it into me to generate a bit of a leadership contest', continued Ringo. 


'Not this time, seemingly. Keir Starmer steps down, and its just Andy Burnham, sombrely placing his slightly left of centre, man of the people cap in, and everyone else bloody well steps aside.' 


'To be honest, I might throw my own hat out of myself, or would I throw myself off of any hats I have inside me, I don't know. Anyway, I resign', concluded the ring confusedly. '



UK ready for next Village Idiot


As Keir Starmer prepares to resign, the nation eagerly awaits the next numbskull to be outsmarted by a stapler. Said one voter, ‘It’s like waiting for Christmas, where all your parcels conceal a shiny turd. Will be it be Wes Streeting, will it be Andy Burnham, who knows, who cares, whoever it is will be will treat the welfare of the nation like optional side quests.’


The new PM will need to harness Starmer’s electrifying energy of a man trying to push a pull door for three full minutes. ‘We needed bold ideas, so no doubt we’ll get someone who is confused by their own reflection, thinks salad goes in the microwave and acts like Benjamin Netanyahu is a kindly old man.


‘The UK expects the new incumbent to have the strategic foresight of a dropped croissant. The reliability, of someone who loses their keys while holding them. And the calm authority of a man discovering a wasp in his shoe. So, basically, another Keir Starmer.



USA forced into peace deal with algae in Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool


After an Apache AH-64 crashed into the Washington Monument whilst strafing the algae with it’s 30mm chain cannon, the USA agreed to a cease fire and reparations to the algae in the Reflecting Pool.


ICE Agents had initially been instructed to detain and then send the menace back to Algeria. After repeated attempts to cuff the algae and beat it with truncheons, ICE had to retreat when agents electrocuted themselves whilst trying to TASER some of the unicellular organisms.


A SWAT team was called in, who then fired indiscriminately into the pool, wounding several of the photosynthetic organisms and a passer-by. The algae remained stoic and unmoved, causing the SWAT to request the National Guard. It was at this point after releasing all 16 Hellfire missiles into the pool the Apache smashed into the Washington Monument and Trump declared victory.


The full terms of the so-called Peace Deal are that the algae will retain control of the pond and be supplied with $300,000,000,000 worth of nitrogen and phosphorus and be guaranteed to sunlight.



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