Tories propose new "sap tax" to fund inheritance tax cut

"The big thing about Kemi is that she really thinks through her genius policy decisions," lied a spokes-Pinnochio for the Conservative Party.

"So we wondered on her behalf how we would make up the revenue lost in removing inheritance tax on homes and we came up with a revolutionary new 'sap tax'.

"This is a tax levied specifically on kind-hearted saps who do things like tip cabbies, hand wallets full of money into the police and fill out tax return forms without inventing a whole load of deductible expenses. Tax collectors would go out and about, collecting information on likely marks.

"The great thing about a sap tax is that the people we're targeting are exactly the type of sheeple who'd pay a new tax without a bleat," said the Tory Party spokes-shearer. "The average Tory, of course, wouldn't be in the frame for it at all."

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Zia Yusuf horrified that some people are from abroad

Senior Reform figure Zia Yusuf has expressed his horror at discovering that some people currently in Britain are from abroad.

Specifically, he said he was concerned about Sagal Abdi-Wali, the Somali-born candidate he said was being “foisted” on the people of Holborn by Labour.

His tweet ended “Do you understand what’s happening?”, a question he later elaborated on in discussion with party workers.

“Everywhere you look, you see people who aren’t from here,” he lamented. “And hearing them speaking Polish on the train, like comrade Nigel did, isn’t the worst of it. Some of them even have dark skin.”

He went on to say it was just as bad in Sri Lanka, where his parents are from. “Full of Indians - they really get everywhere, don’t they…”

Meanwhile the people of Holborn and St Pancras decided that they wanted Abdi-Wali as their MP, as she’s done such a good job running Camden council for years, rather than joining Reform to act as window-dressing to allow them to pretend they aren’t what they obviously are.

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King pays Andrew's Pizza Express bills

King Charles has paid a six figure sum to clear Andrew's Pizza Express bills for the last twenty years.

Andrew claims that the pizzas were all free, as he was a royal and also a brand ambassador. He says he provided invaluable publicity for the pizza chain as he always used them as his alibi when he couldn't reveal his real location.

A spokesperson claiming to represent Pizza Express said that they were grateful to the king for clearing the delinquent's account and that they had waived £56 which should have been paid to the charity Venice in Peril.

As part of the settlement Andrew has agreed that he is not, and never was, a brand ambassador for Pizza Express and that 'what happens in Woking stays in Woking.'

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