Government could remove other pantomime characters from line of royal succession

A Government spokesperson has said they are considering introducing legislation to remove other well known pantomime characters - as well as Peter Mandelson - from the line of Royal succession.

The move could see the likes of Widow Twanky, Buttons and the Two Ugly Sisters follow Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor in being stripped of their chance to become King or Queen.

Sources close to Widow Twanky said it was unfair that she and her fellow pantomime dames should be dragged into the furore surrounding Andrew’s fall from grace.

'While it would make sense for villainous characters such as The Big Bad Wolf, Captain Hook and Cruella De Vil to be stripped of the chance to sit on the throne we don't see why Ms Twanky should be denied the opportunity to become Queen. Especially when you bear in mind the one that is actually there right now.

Although no pantomime character has ever been linked to the disgraced financier Jeffrey Epstein and have never been accused of misconduct in public office it is thought their closeness to the Royal family has become untenable.

'It could be argued that although Cruella did try to drown 100 Dalmation puppies it is nothing compared to what King Charles gets up to with a shotgun and pack of hounds at Balmoral'

When asked if his chance of becoming King was now behind him Andrew replied 'Oh no it isn't'

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Keir Starmer Wins BAFTA for Best Actor in U-Turn: The Movie

Hollywood was left stunned last night as world-leading thespian-activist and part-time grey suit mannequin Keir Starmer swept up a BAFTA for Best Actor in 'U-Turn: The Movie', a political thriller praised for its special effects and total disregard for plot consistency.

Gliding down the red carpet with the confidence of a man who has never met a position he couldn’t reconsider, Starmer reportedly asked whether Wunmi Mosaku was 'one of the smaller Chagos Islands,' before advisers gently turned him 180 degrees and pointed him toward the photographers instead.

The film opens with a blizzard of pledges before pivoting into a graceful montage of reversals on winter fuel, WASPI women, grooming gangs and digital IDs –proving once and for all that the only red line is the one being quietly rubbed out.

Critics have called it 'the first political drama filmed entirely in post-production.'

His line, 'These are tough decisions,' already rivals cinema’s greats for emotional ambiguity.

Accepting the award, Starmer thanked 'everyone who believed in change,' before clarifying that by 'change' he meant small coins.

Image: mark1657 - Pixabay

Chagos Islands now part of the Hokey Cokey

'You put the right lease in, the right lease out, in, out and shake it all about,' said a US spokesman for the President today, explaining that the deal depended on the timing of the President's meds and the supply of crayons for his Truth Social posts.

'Sure, the President said it was the best of deals, but he also said it was the worst of deals.  He says if that's good enough for Chuck Dickens, it's good enough for him,' he said, adding that the President hadn't read any of Dickins' works 'obviously.  Who the hell has?'

The government is sticking to its plan to cede Sovereignty of the islands to Mauritius, but might pretend to keep them until the President changes his mind.  Or the Epstein files are fully released unredacted, because this is what it's really all about, right?  

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