Family voting 'definitely the problem' say Reform

'We've known for some time that family voting is the reason we keep losing elections,' said a Reform spokesman today, following the trouncing in the Gorton and Denton by-election. 'Clearly Welsh families crowded into polling booths to confer during the Caerphilly by-election and now the Muslim vote in Manchester is at it,' he said.

Family voting is where members of a biological family collude - or discuss in normal terminology - on who to vote for. Around the kitchen table or even en-route to the polling station is, technically, illegal but extremely difficult to enforce, however when in the polling station any apparent discussion or collusion is forbidden and constitutes an offence. As if the missus would tell hubby who she really voted for.

'We believe the Muslims colluded and the senior family member instructed his family to vote for the Greens,' said the spokesman. When asked if he had any evidence the Muslim voters, especially the male family leaders, were colluding to ensure that the Green party won he confirmed the suggestion. 'They are naturally attracted to white female figures answering to openly gay, white, Jewish leaders, it's in their culture,' he added.

'If it wasn't for that inherent inbuilt natural bias they would have voted for the party that wants to deport them when in power, naturally,' he added.

Image: geralt - Pixabay

Hannah Spencer sucks teeth and mutters, 'Which cowboy was in here before me?'

'Whoever did this… Christ on a bike…. this is taking the piss to be honest. I’d say the whole lot has to come out and skipped. Obviously, I can’t do it this weekend, I’ve got a lot on. Might take a while to get it working properly, and we’ve got all these environmental considerations to look at. Look at this setup, how many U-bends, dear oh dear oh dear.

Milk, two sugars and Labour's tears please.

You’ve got leaks everywhere; you need more than some damp rag to fix all this. It’s gonna cost ya, not gonna lie about that. Someone has tried a complete Reform, and it has not gone well at all. Not well at all, pal.

Listen, what’s that, some drip somewhere? Whoever caused that leak should be arrested. As bad as treason that.

Anyway, I’ll get back to you with a cost and don’t expect immediate sunshine and rainbows, it’s Manchester after all.'

Image: geralt - Pixabay

Poor Peter's the victim in all this, say Mandelson's lawyers

'The Metropolitan Police only arrested our client because they thought he was a flight risk,' whined Mandelson's legal team from Sue, Grabbit and Scarper in a statement, 'and it wasn't at all to do with the copious evidence that he had committed misconduct in public office.

'When detectives saw Lord Peter in his local library looking at a list of countries without extradition treaties with the UK, they should have known he was only planning to take off for a winter break with all his money.

'Lord Peter says that this means it's the police who are in the wrong, and not him.

'Peter is a thoroughly innocent and misunderstood spin doctor who has managed to twist a story to his own advantage - yet again - and he now wants to fly down to the British Virgin Islands to forget all about this regrettable affair, taking a pile of incriminating evidence with him.'

At press time, Mandelson's lawyers were demanding a hand written note of apology from the Metropolitan Police commissioner for wrongful arrest and £100,000 compensation for hurt feelings.

'We'll do the note but we won't give him the money,' said a Met Police spokes-swine off the record.

'That's because Mandelson doesn't actually have any human feelings. He was born in a test tube at Porton Down.'

Image: WixAI