Politics 9/842

Countries rush to name infrastructure after history’s most controversial figures

Fernandomando
Jul 30

Following New Zealand’s decision to name one of its new Cook Strait ferries after Captain Cook, governments around the world have begun honouring increasingly awkward historical figures.

Mongolia has unveiled Genghis Khan Maternity Hospital, describing him as “a man who fathered an astonishing number of descendants.”

Germany has denied reports it is opening Adolf Hitler Airport, insisting the leaked plans actually referred to “Terminal Nein.”

Belgium has announced the King Leopold II Children’s Adventure Park, while France is pressing ahead with the Robespierre Head & Neck Clinic.

Officials say the aim is to recognise “the full complexity of history”, adding that plans for Pol Pot Garden Centre and Ivan the Terrible Customer Service Centre are “still under consultation.”

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Trump-Putin global alliance ridiculed as ‘League of Losers'

deskpilot
Jul 30

Donald Trump is fed up with the United Nations and member nations who say bad things about him behind his back. He thinks that US money should command more obsequious fawning and less invective. Vladimir Putin finds the United Nations annoying. Sure, he can veto stuff that would move towards world peace – but who wants that?

Insiders say that Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin are working on a new global alliance that will by-pass the UN and help them achieve their goals in the right way. A bit like the highly successful and well respected Board Of Peace that has secured a just and lasting peace in Gaza.

Critics are not impressed. ‘It’s just a League of Losers,’ said one. ‘Donald Trump is losing badly against Iran and has no plan B. Vladimir Putin is losing against Ukraine, and Moscow is nearly as smoky as Bordeaux. He can’t even buy DVDs off the internet due to ‘planned maintenance in the supply chain’. It’s hard to see how these two could fix anything.’

Donald Trump remains upbeat about his plans to sideline the UN. He says that there is strong interest in a new global alliance from Venezuela, The Marshall Islands, Narnia, FIFA, and the Isle of Wight. A launch event is planned for the autumn at Mar-a-Lago, where attendees will resolve all current conflicts before moving on for an afternoon of golf.

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Reform demands that Clacton polling stations remove all bins

deskpilot
Jul 29

Nigel Farage is fighting for his political career at the imminent by-election in Clacton. His main opponent is the loveable cartoon character Count Binface. Opinion polls show growing support for Count Binface, but both sides have dismissed these polls as ‘rubbish’.

In the latest twist, Nigel Farage has made a long distance call to the Electoral Registrar in Clacton to demand the removal of all bins from polling stations on election day. He claims that seeing bins in or near polling stations may unduly influence voters, and prejudice the election result.

The demand is for no bins – empty or full – on polling station premises, and no bins within 500m of any of the polling stations. Waste at polling stations should only be collected in politically neutral black bin bags.

The council is considering the issue. A spokesman said, ‘Many polling stations do have waste bins or litter bins nearby. Removing all of them for election day would be very expensive and the the council does not have the money to do this. However, if Mr Farage is prepared to pay for the work, then we are willing to help. We have estimated the cost of removing and replacing all of the bins at five million pounds.’

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