Yes! You too can play Trump Middle East pinball

It's the new craze for deranged, octogenarian Americans which is proving even bigger than golf.

What you do is fire off missiles at Iran in a totally unprovoked attack in tandem with Benjamin 'I'm on trial for corruption' Netanyahu.

When it all comes back on you, you ping wildly from one desperate strategy to another, such as: blockading Iranian shipping; bombing the Iranian coastline; making a peace deal; promising Iran $300bn of someone else's money; lifting sanctions on Iranian oil; cancelling the peace deal; reimposing the sanctions; charging 20% tariffs on shipments leaving the Gulf; bombing Iran again and attacking international shipping.

'Anyone can play this game,' said a spokes-flipper for the Trump Corporation.

'All you have to do is be a sociopathic huckster who landed up in the world's most powerful post with hundreds of billions of dollars of weapons at your disposal, a massively inflated sense of your own abilities and zero knowledge of the Middle East.

'But you don't win any points in this game. Every move made in Trump Middle East pinball is completely pointless.'

Image: WixAI

www.newsbiscuit.com

Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here.

Andy Burnham to solve global crises by looking concerned

Andy Burnham has announced that, having successfully become involved in virtually every issue within fifty miles of Manchester, he is now ready to apply the same proven approach to the world's biggest problems.

Mr Burnham said decades of experience standing in front of television cameras near transport infrastructure had uniquely equipped him to resolve matters ranging from Middle East peace to quantum computing.

'When you've spent years saying that working people deserve better while standing beside a delayed tram, you develop transferable skills,' Burnham explained. 'People underestimate how often saying ‘This just isn't good enough' in a concerned voice can fundamentally alter reality.'

Supporters insist Burnham's success comes from an instinctive understanding of ordinary people.

'He's authentic,' said one admirer. 'If a volcano erupted in Iceland he'd be there within hours in a branded waterproof saying, ‘This isn't the future the people of Manchester deserve.''

Government officials confirmed Burnham had already offered practical assistance with several major international challenges.

'He proposed fixing the global economy by announcing a 'listening exercise',' one civil servant said. 'His plan for artificial intelligence appears to involve insisting that any superintelligence should be ‘held to account'.'

Sources say Burnham's crisis-management strategy follows a simple three-stage process.

First, arrive quickly.

Second, express solidarity with hardworking families.

Third, promise that lessons will be learned.

'If events continue after that,' admitted one aide, 'that's generally someone else's responsibility.'

The United Nations has reportedly expressed cautious interest in Burnham's methods after learning he once reduced commuter frustration by giving several exceptionally sympathetic interviews to BBC North West Tonight.

Diplomats remain divided.

Some argue that generations of geopolitical conflict cannot realistically be solved through regional radio interviews and optimistic slogans.

Others point out that nobody had previously tried appointing a man whose principal qualification is looking extremely disappointed while wearing a high-vis vest outside Manchester Piccadilly.

Burnham himself dismissed the criticism.

'Look,' he said, jogging purposefully towards a waiting camera crew, 'the important thing is to be seen running in the general direction of the problem.'

Image: WixAI

www.newsbiscuit.com

Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here.

Farage's tobacconist to be given SAS protection

In the last twenty-four hours the degree of security provided to Reform MPs, their families and close associates has increased dramatically.

Nigel Farage now receives round the clock security from MI6, his ex wife and current girlfriend have both been put into witness protection, presumably in one or more of his houses, while Richard Tice has been offered a cuddly toy to hug at night and Zia Yusef has been allocated Lee Anderson as his personal bodyguard.

Farage's barber, his butcher and his newsagent have all found 22 SAS parked outside their premises brandishing Glocks and Farage's personal bodyguard now has his own personal bodyguard, who is expected to get his own within the week.

For obvious reasons security at the House of Commons is unchanged.

www.newsbiscuit.com

Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here.

Image: ChatGPT