Wildlife release causes international incident

For the first time in 400 years, a family of beavers have been released into the Strait of Hormuz. The family set to work doing what beavers do and Greta Thunberg turned up with some little hard hats and copious supplies of black and yellow tape.

The beavers have now successfully dammed the Strait and shipping has been rerouted. As a result, prices have spiked around the world and shortages developed, particularly in the twig market.

The creatures are now frolicking in the shallows, blissfully unaware that they have rocked the foundations of global capitalism. Iran's Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Khamenei said 'Aren't they cute? Just look at those little furry faces!'

US President Donald Trump remains unimpressed and has threatened to use force if the beavers won't open up.

Across the Strait, in Oman, people cleared their throats pointedly and said 'We have opinions too, you know, if anyone cares to ask... Hello?'

Image: Juergen57BS - Pixabay

Goat girl Melania denies everything

'I never met Epstein,' said a two-dimensional Melania Trump in a statement yesterday, 'or any of his creepy friends like Donald Trump, or their gangster's moll wives and girlfriends.

'I was just a little girl tending her goats in Slovenia,' the figurine continued, wiping a papier-mache tear from its eye. 'Then one day, they made a cardboard cut-out of me and posted it to the Trophy Wives modelling agency here in America.

'They used it as an image to sell mascara and stuff, and then Donald Trump saw it at some sleazy party and decided to marry it. That's when its happiness died.

'Now goat girl Melania just wants to be left in peace in the Slovenian mountains with her herd. She has to go now - Florentina has got stuck in a thicket.'

Image: WixAI

Trump made chief of the Ramblers

'So, um, where was I?' said a spokes-blitherer for the Ramblers.

'Oh, yes. That's it. We've inducted the President of the United States into the Ramblers and promoted him immediately to being our chief.

'That's because he's proving himself to be one of the most persistent ramblers of modern times.

'For most of us club members, rambling is a weekend hobby - a break from our working lives in which we have to speak briefly and to the purpose.

'President Trump, on the other hand, is spending every day now going on long digressions during important meetings, ranging over acres and acres of irrelevant subject matter for hours on end before reaching any point.

'And Mr Trump's proclivity to ramble is clearly increasing by the week as he slips ever deeper into senile dementia.'

Trump takes the top rambling spot from Boris Johnson, who was told of his demotion while talking to business executives about Peppa Pig World.

At press time, Donald Trump was into the sixth hour of an acceptance speech to fellow ramblers in the Oval Office and had already covered such topics as Sharpies, TV comedians he wanted to imprison, the best Taco Bell restaurants in southern Florida and his top ten pairs of breasts on 1980s soap opera actresses.

Image: Wix AI