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With 34 candidates, Clacton voters complain of 'Far too much democracy'

'It's so confusing' complained 104-year-old Ethel Filliblanket 'I always usually used to vote for those nice Whig people. I wonder what happened to them?' 'No, I prefer to waste my vote by voting Liberal' said her young friend, Gladys Carrot, 98, 'But I haven't heard anything from them this time. I do hope they're all right.'


'I'm gonna vote for the prime minister, Andy Binman, the one with the glasses.  No, not that other one, Keir Starbin, although the glasses are identical' claimed Kevin Doorstop.  'But there are too many bins, really.  What day are we supposed to be voting them out?  Is it the Green Bin Party this week, or the Black Bin Party?  Are they allowed to have a Black Bin Party nowadays - isn't that discrimination?'


'Look, it's perfectly simple' said retired Field-Marshal Admiral Coriolanus Corncrunch-Croddlethorne 'With a name like mine, you don't have any choice in the matter. You just have to vote for the Nasty Wicked Evil Party, obviously. Except I can't find them anywhere on the list, so I don't know which is best - to vote for the Even Nastier, More Wicked-and-Evil Reformatory Party, or the Completely Nasty, Utterly Wicked and Absolutely Evil Restoration Party.  Actually, that last lot sound quite good.  Everyone enjoys a good comedy!'


The latest opinion polls suggests that it's likely to be a landslide win for the People's Democratic Popular Monster Raving Loony Binface Resurrect-Britain Front.  Unless some other candidate gets more votes, of course.  And, suggests our NewsBiscuit correspondent, 'That's assuming that, in this furnace-like heat, anyone can be arsed to trudge all the way down to the polling station, read all the way though through the tedious, long list of sad twats who are standing for election, eventually choose one of them, then tick the box, and somehow manage to fold it up and cram all of it into the ballot box.'


'Heaven help the poor sods who'll have to spend weeks counting all this crap.  Imagine the never-ending confusion and chaos if we had some damn-silly Proportional Representation system - half the voters would have a nervous breakdown.  Let's just hope they eventually manage to actually complete the count before Clacton's next by-election in a week or two.'




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Government announces all future laws to be based on emotion

The Government has announced a radical overhaul of the legislative process under which laws will no longer require evidence, consultation or any consideration of unintended consequences, provided something sufficiently upsetting has happened in the previous 48 hours.


Under the new system, ministers will be able to introduce legislation immediately after saying: “As a father, I was horrified.”


“This is 2026,” said a Home Office spokesman. “The public simply doesn’t have time to wait for facts. When something terrible happens, people want to know that the Government has immediately made something else illegal.”


The new procedure, known as Emotion-Based Legislation, will begin with a photograph of the victim, followed by interviews with grieving relatives and a television presenter asking a minister: “Surely something has to be done?”


Ministers insist the reforms will make Britain more responsive.


“For too long we have allowed lawyers, experts and people who have actually read the proposed legislation to obstruct the democratic process,” said the Justice Secretary. “The important question is not whether a law is necessary, proportionate or enforceable. It is whether you can look that family in the eye and tell them you oppose it.”


Civil liberties groups expressed concern that laws made in the immediate aftermath of shocking events have historically tended to be badly drafted, excessively broad and difficult to repeal.


Their comments were condemned as “insensitive at this time”.




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Government plan to house asylum seekers in Travelodge hotels sees migrant numbers plummet



Asylum seekers across the UK are heading for Dover in a desperate bid to return home after the government started putting them up in Travelodge hotels.


Following all the recent bad press about the standard of service in the hotel chain, the Home secretary immediately went online and booked 6,000 rooms across the country to house the latest wave of migrants.


Abdul from Syria was forced into a Travelodge near Stevenage. 'It's an outrage,' he opined 'I awoke to find a half naked man in my room after reception staff gave him a copy of the key. My children have been traumatised by the hideous colours in the soft furnishings.'


Afghan refugee Mohammed who had been transferred to a Travelodge near Braintree said 'the facilities were not fit for animals let alone people. And I'm sure someone had pissed in my kettle.'


Local traders on the south coast are reported to be struggling to meet the demand for small boats, rubber rings, inflatable swans and cheap Chinese made snorkel and mask kits that the fleeing migrants are snapping up.


In a bid to help, President Macron of France has offered to sell their vast, newly redundant over stock of small rubber boats to the UK government for £640 million.




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