'Everyone in the media is talking about the so-called dodgy donations I took from crypto-barons and the mothers of fraudsters,' said an ashen-faced Nigel Farage on the sidelines of his party's trainwreck of a conference.
'But that's plain bias. Why aren't they talking about the money that Conservative and Labour get from crypto-barons and the mothers of fraudsters? They keep quiet about that, don't they?
'And it's no good saying there's no evidence. If the media were really unbiased, they'd invent evidence against the other political parties just to balance things up.
'That's the complaint Reform UK is putting to Ofcom, and if they don't uphold it that'll prove Ofcom is biased, too.
'And we want members of the public to stop talking in their totally biased way about dodgy donations down the pub and outside the school gates at picking-up time.
'In fact, when Reform comes to power we'll have secret Ofcom agents lurking in pubs and at school gates to arrest all these biased members of the public and deport them, whether they're foreign or not.
'Let's see how you like talking about dodgy donations when you're in a mud hut in Rwanda, chums,' warned Mr Farage.
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