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Trump Presidency to get weekly recaps

Writer: Sully
Sully
Sep 4

‘Followers of American politics have complained that they can’t follow the plot’, a White House spokesman told us. ‘If this was a Netflix drama there would be one major incident per week and they’d still offer a recap. President Trump’s achievements are so many and so wondrous that the American people can’t keep track’.


Trump’s achievements since January include stealing 65 billion barrels of Venezuelan oil, losing a war with Iran, turning the Reflecting Pool into an algae conservation area, having ICE murder a couple of US citizens, cheating at golf (multiple times), shitting his pants (multiple times), falling asleep on camera (multiple times) and threatening to invade – well, everybody.


The only topic which won’t be included in the recap is the Epstein Files. ‘Look, President Trump has already released 5% of the Epstein Files’, the spokesman said. ‘What more do you people want? Jeez, if an old man can’t have a little fun once in a while – what’s the world coming to?’




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Keir Starmer: that resignation statement in full

Writer: deskpilot
deskpilot
Sep 2

‘Over the summer, I have had time to reflect and consider my future. I have decided to stand down as MP for Holborn and St Pancras and hand over to a successor.  I did complain about the unnecessary costs of a by-election in Makerfield and an election for a new Manchester mayor, but now I get it.  I’m out of here, suckers.


‘It’s been an honour and privilege to serve the constituency, but the job is thankless and underpaid.  I didn’t get into politics to deal with the first world problems of entitled nouveau riche arrivistes who only want to score political points rather than dealing with any real world issues.  I’ll be glad to get away from them and do something useful for a change.  I’m open to offers from any international bodies, except the Board of Peace and FIFA.


“I look back with pride on what I have delivered in Holborn and St Pancras since 2015, including those new litter bins, and my infamous war on dog do.


“I took my Party from the ruins, won an historic landslide election, fixed the economy, cured cancer, got rid of poverty, and eliminated NHS waiting lists.  And I cut VAT on summer attractions.  These are achievements of which I will always be proud.


‘Finally, I’d like to say a couple of words about Donald Trump.


‘Toss pot.’




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More new ways invented to occupy bored boy before meals

Writer: daveha
daveha
Sep 1

Staff at the Oval Diner in DC are constantly thinking of ways to stop a very special little customer geting 'hangry'.


He's not interested in the usual colouring menus you see in restaurants - he always wants exactly the same fast food and can't keep inside the lines anyway, plus he only wants to use his black marker pen.


He's usually happy with just a sheet of paper in a fancy folder so he can sign his name and proudly display the unintelligible scribble, much like a toddler showing off a freshly filled potty.


Our latest idea is giving him printouts of maps. He loves crossing out names of places - gulfs, lakes, anything really.


Though he's not very imaginative with the renaming - so far it's just been America everything.




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