Those new Burnham policies in full

As the nation looks forward to a proper northern Prime Minister, with proper northern policies, Newsbiscuit presents a handy guide to what we can all expect.

1. More investment in the north. 'Currently the north's benefits bill is a huge drain on the rest of the country,' said Andy Burnham today. 'Instead, we should send just as much money north, but call it investment. Which would in some way be better.'

2. The national anthem to be replaced by the music from the Hovis ad, or the theme tune to Coronation Street on ceremonial occasions.

3. The three meals of the day to be called breakfast, dinner and 'us tea', the last of which must always be bread and dripping washed down with Yorkshire tea.

4. Plans to join the euro to be abandoned, and sterling instead to be replaced with pies.

5. London always to be referred to as 'that London'.

6. A picture of Liam Gallagher putting two fingers up to be on every banknote.

7. Assuming someone's from Yorkshire when they're actually from Lancashire (or vice versa) to be made a capital offence.

8. Manchester City to be exempted from Premier League spending limits (isn't this true already?).

   
   

9. Vastly exaggerating the hardship of your childhood to be made compulsory.

10. BBC transmission to finish every night with an episode of Phoenix Nights.

11. Monkeh to be given a peerage for his services to tea sales, with a further award for "not being stuck up".

12. A new HS3 train line to be built between Leeds and Bradford, 'cos there's nowhere else worth goin' ter.'

13. An annual pilgrimage to Makerfield to be required of every citizen, except of course Andy Burnham who'll

never set foot there again.

Image credit: ChatGPT

Zia Yusuf 'Happy to accept explanation'

Home affairs spokesman for Reform UK Zia Yusuf has said he is 'completely satisfied' with Nigel Farage's explanation as to why he has been blocked from standing as a candidate at by-elections.

Yusuf refuted suggestions that the block has anything at all to do with the colour of his skin. 'Yes, of course this idea crossed my mind at first,' said Yusuf, 'but I challenged Nigel about it, and he was frank and honest with me. He said he could give me five million reasons if he wished, but merely emphasised the fact that I am a blithering idiot. A useful face but absolutely not suitable to represent the party in Parliament. At first, I was dubious, but then when I saw the quality of the people who actually stood, and saw some of their social media output, I realised he was being harsh but fair.

Image: NewsBiscuit archive

Warm sunshine and lack of drizzle slows the advance of Mancunian Burnham

Keir Starmer's grip on power has proved more slippery than a Peter Mandelson background check.  Starmer has the look of a man with his own dark grey Mancunian rain cloud permanently drizzling on him - and with good reason. 

Scientists now believe that if Sir Keir was accidentally exposed to direct sunlight, he would melt faster than his own waxwork. However, a recent spell of hot weather has helped Starmer out, as the Armies of the North find UV intolerable. The sun is the natural enemy of rain-loving Mancunians, whilst The Sun is the natural enemy of Liverpudlians and journalism and basic human decency. 

Meanwhile, King Burnham has faced criticism for not articulating any actual policies beyond simply being Mayor of Manchester. A parka-wearing spokesman shook a tambourine, and sneered into his microphone, 'You could wait for a lifetime to spend your time in the sunshine...  Some might say that sunshine follows thunder. Go and tell it to the man who cannot shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine,' before adding,  'You're twisting my melons man! Heaven knows Keir Starmer's miserable now. Andy Burnham is the resurrection, and he is the light.' 

Image credit: ChatGPT