top of page
Search

Sadiq Khan to introduce negative speed limits


In conjunction with physicists at London University, Mayor Sadiq Khan plans to introduce negative speed limits on London’s roads.


”We’ve done everything we can to screw money out of motorists,” said a spokesman for the diminutive extortionist. “We’ve made speed limits so low you’re almost certain to get fined if you drive anywhere, especially as we’re careful not to signpost the 20mph limits if we can help it.


”However, I know the boss is frustrated by all the people who have cars but don’t use them much. We’ve done everything we can to force them off public transport - no aircon or 24 hour service on the tube, most trains not accessible to wheelchair users, usually no service at the weekends… and don’t even get me started on buses. But there are some people who just won’t take the hint.


”Fortunately, the physicists we’ve consulted advise us there is a such a thing as negative speed, and apparently it doesn’t just mean going backwards. Therefore we feel entirely justified in imposing a negative speed limit all over London, so even parked cars are breaking it,”


The spokesman went on to say this in no way replaces fines for illegal parking, which they’d probably quietly increase while everyone’s attention was elsewhere.


Photo by Nabeel Syed on Unsplash



Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here.

Trump to bomb Oman, but in a good way


The whole Strait of Hormuz thing is a massive, horrible mess, and it makes Donald Trump look like a LOSER. Which is pretty much the worst thing that could possibly happen, and threatens his re-election for a glorious third term.


But the American President has a solution. He is offering to bomb Oman and the United Arab Emirates – but in a good way.


Bombing the UAE and Oman will save the Iranians a lot of trouble. And bombing in a planned and precise way will mean that the UAE and Oman won't need to use up their valuable anti-missile missiles. Sounds mad? Don't worry. There is some logic to Trump's latest fever dream. The plan is to precision bomb a new waterway from the Strait of Hormuz to the Arabian Sea, so that oil tankers won't have to go past Iran.


'Digging would be way too slow,' said the President, in a rare moment of clarity. 'We can't dig a new waterway in time for the mid-term elections. Bombing will be quick and effective. We still have loads of bombs – good solid American bombs - and we're making new ones all the time. The rumours that we are running out of bombs are fake news. We'll use American shock and awe to build a new canal in record time.


'I'll be explaining my plan to the Sultan of Oman and also raisin it with the UAE. I reckon that they will be right on board. All of that land is just sand and no use for anything, not even golf courses. Once we've bombed it all out, we can scoop up the sand and make sandbags. Everyone in the Middle East wants to buy sandbags these days. We're going to clean up.


'I'm calling the new waterway the Donald J Trump Liberation Canal. It'll be great. And I have no doubt that the UAE and Oman will be happy to pay me back in full for the costs incurred.'




Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here.

New Chancellor announces plan to tax mud


John Healey's first announcement as Chancellor is that he is introducing a tax on mud.


A statement explained, 'I have long been concerned by the inequality of mud throughout the UK, the wealthy have a lot of it and those in the margins of society have very little. To tax people on the amount of mud they own is an innovative and socialist policy which will deliver exactly the sort of wealth distribution this country needs.


'Further, in my time as defence Secretary, I saw that the Army has an awful lot of mud, and rolling around in it is a core part of basic training for our world class soldiers. The tax the Army pays on all its mud will go a long way to help us fund the NATO defence spending target of 5% of GDP.'


Kemi Badenoch retort was written in mud. 'This is yet another socialist policy aimed at stifling commercial research and development. We have a great innovation culture in this country founded on the principle of throwing mud at a wall and seeing what sticks. Any policy which drives up costs is bad for business and my Tory voting constituents.'


Tax advisor Ivor Lottagold said 'This will inevitably lead to the wealthy moving their mud offshore. The obvious choice of this is the Isle of Man which could ultimately see itself becoming part of the mainland.


Thames Water has approached the Government for clarification that poo does not constitute mud. A spokesman for DEFRA said 'Thames Water does indeed have a lot of poo, despite its unsuccessful plan of trying to hide it all in the Thames. Further, if poo were classed as mud under the new tax, then the renationalisation of Thames Water would be prohibitively expensive.'


'It would really muddy the waters.'




Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here.

bottom of page