top of page
Search

Starmer to crack down on hate by limiting elections


"The Prime Minister is deeply worried about the rising levels of hatred in Britain," said a party spokes-victim.


"It's coming from people on the left, on the right... everywhere. Everybody is attacking us with blind fury simply because we happen to be Labour politicians.


"Just because we're different to you - being so much more stupid and useless - doesn't mean you should hate us, or go off and vote for Reform UK."


At press time, the Prime minister was wondering whether to limit people's rights to take part in elections, on the grounds that they were often outlets for people to cast hate-fuelled, anti-Starmerist votes.



US troops in Germany glad to be going home



There are 36,000 US troops in Germany and Donald Trump is cutting that number by 5,000.


We spoke to some GIs about the plan.  'It'll be great to get home,' said Dwayne Lydd.  'The beer here tastes awful and not like Bud Lite at all.  Although I must admit that the beer glasses are a good size.  The sausages are not like proper hot dogs, all big and chewy.  I think there's way too much meat on them.  And European mustard is all wrong and too hot.  So it will be good to get home for some proper chow.'


Base commander Todd Perch told us that it was hard to keep 36,000 soldiers occupied.  'There's only so many times you can clean the parade ground with a toothbrush.  And nobody likes German lessons.  And the market for sending BMWs back to the US has crashed since Trump's tariffs. So, to be honest, many of our boys are at a loose end.


'There's no real threat any more.  Putin couldn't get to Kyiv by road, so the chances of the Red Army making it through Belarus and Poland are pretty slim.  And all of his tanks are tied up in Ukraine.  So I think that Germany will be just fine without us. They need some incentive to re-arm, anyway.  Fourth Reich, anyone?'



World stares in wonder at May's full moron


People around the world have been staring in wonder at this month's display of Donald Trump going full moron.


"It was amazing!" said one White House observer. "The German Chancellor said something true about his piss-poor war strategy against Iran and then Trump's psyche waxed to full moron size and he ordered 5,000 troops to be withdrawn from the country.


"Trump normally expands to full moron mode about about once every month, normally coinciding with the full moon - which he howls at.


"This is usually caused by someone saying something that the thin-skinned little man-child doesn't like, sending him into a giant sulk.


"Some months, you get to see him go super-moron. And since there are two full moons this May, we can confidently expect the president to turn blue with fury in about four weeks' time and put on yet another full moron display."




bottom of page