Burnham to increase Tooth Fairy payments

Last night, new heartthrob PM, Andy Burnham revealed plans to level out Tooth Fairy payments to gap-mouthed pre-teens.

"For too long this country has been running a two tier system," he told reporters. "Wealthy children have been receiving much higher payments for their milk teeth than their working class counterparts. It is unfair that this postcode lottery gets a child living below the breadline 50 pence for a tooth, whereas the kids in the nice houses near the park get notes. The Tories should never have privatised this industry and re-nationalisation of the Tooth Fairy will happen during the next Parliament." 

Mr Burnham refused to take questions but did leave journalists with this comment: "And don't even get me started on Father Christmas"

A spokesperson for Tooth Fairy plc said that shareholders would fight any attempt to renationalise the service, adding that "the fairy pays for quality, and pristine, white teeth fetch a lot more on the open market than the brown rotten teeth from the kids who live in the flats."

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Countries rush to name infrastructure after history’s most controversial figures

Following New Zealand’s decision to name one of its new Cook Strait ferries after Captain Cook, governments around the world have begun honouring increasingly awkward historical figures.

Mongolia has unveiled Genghis Khan Maternity Hospital, describing him as “a man who fathered an astonishing number of descendants.”

Germany has denied reports it is opening Adolf Hitler Airport, insisting the leaked plans actually referred to “Terminal Nein.”

Belgium has announced the King Leopold II Children’s Adventure Park, while France is pressing ahead with the Robespierre Head & Neck Clinic.

Officials say the aim is to recognise “the full complexity of history”, adding that plans for Pol Pot Garden Centre and Ivan the Terrible Customer Service Centre are “still under consultation.”

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Trump-Putin global alliance ridiculed as ‘League of Losers'

Donald Trump is fed up with the United Nations and member nations who say bad things about him behind his back. He thinks that US money should command more obsequious fawning and less invective. Vladimir Putin finds the United Nations annoying. Sure, he can veto stuff that would move towards world peace – but who wants that?

Insiders say that Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin are working on a new global alliance that will by-pass the UN and help them achieve their goals in the right way. A bit like the highly successful and well respected Board Of Peace that has secured a just and lasting peace in Gaza.

Critics are not impressed. ‘It’s just a League of Losers,’ said one. ‘Donald Trump is losing badly against Iran and has no plan B. Vladimir Putin is losing against Ukraine, and Moscow is nearly as smoky as Bordeaux. He can’t even buy DVDs off the internet due to ‘planned maintenance in the supply chain’. It’s hard to see how these two could fix anything.’

Donald Trump remains upbeat about his plans to sideline the UN. He says that there is strong interest in a new global alliance from Venezuela, The Marshall Islands, Narnia, FIFA, and the Isle of Wight. A launch event is planned for the autumn at Mar-a-Lago, where attendees will resolve all current conflicts before moving on for an afternoon of golf.

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