Bram Stoker confesses: I was wrong about crucifixes

Bram Stoker’s ghost has issued an apology after lodging the idea in people’s minds that crucifixes repel vampires and might be a symbol of virtue.

‘After watching America for a few years, and more recently Russell Brand, it seems that I was 180 degrees wrong about the Sign of the Cross’, his ghost told mediums. ‘It’s clearly displayed by the worst humans ever to befoul the earth. Sorry, my bad.

‘ I would also like to apologise for the poverty of my imagination. I honestly believed that the worst kind of monster is a vampire, drinking human blood and consigning the innocent to the living hell of vampirism. Now that I’ve read the Epstein Files I can see that I just didn’t try hard enough’.

Donald Trump dismissed Stoker’s ghost as ‘fake ghouls’ and said that Bram Stoker ‘wasn’t a good guy. Terrible writer. The worst’, before claiming to have written Les Miserables and the complete works of Shakespeare before announcing a ‘Special Edition Trump Crucifix’, only $300 and covered in realistic gold-like leaf.

The end of the world is on hold while markets are so volatile

The Grim Reaper has put his scythe aside for the time being and is looking at working to rule.

'It's always been my intention to team up with the four horsemen and take all humanity out in one big swing,' he said today, 'and to be honest I thought my time had come.  the orange leader in the US was threatening to deploy nuclear weapons, was talking about destroying entire civilisations and, critically, seemed to have zero appreciation that these things tend to go badly.

'But then, just as I was honing my blade on the stone of death he backs off and starts playing golf and planning a ballroom as if nothing had happened.  The four horsemen have wised me up.  Apparently they play the market - Armageddon is such an infrequent occurrence and, well, they get bored so they dabble a bit.  They noticed a pattern with their services being called for and some dodgy moves on the futures markets.  Now if anyone knows about futures, it's these guys.

'So, while Trump has been making a fortune for himself and his buddies the four horsemen have been making a literal killing.  Not their preferred type of killing, agreed, but they just can't help themselves,' said the Grim Reaper today.

'Sorry guys, if it's the end of the world you wanted then you're going to have to get rid of Trump.  Impeach him, lock him up, do something.  Don't look to me to do anything, I've got fifty quid on him taking the world to the edge and back again next Wednesday.'

Elves and Goblins made me appoint Mandelson, says Starmer

'I wish to inform the House that evil elves - a gang known as the Downing Street SPADs - put me under a spell and persuaded me that Mandelson should be our man in Washington,' a swivel-eyed Sir Keir Starmer told the Commons.

'Then they told the wicked goblins at the Foreign Office not to tell me the bleeding obvious - that he had come nowhere even close to passing security vetting.

'I know, it's incredible,' said Starmer, in response to howls of disbelief from across the chamber - including from himself. 'But you have to believe me.

'We will now be restructuring processes to redefine the role that civil service elves and goblins play when it comes to security vetting. Then everything will be back in order in Munchkinland.

'Hang on! Who are these men in white coats? Where are taking me?'