Entire Conservative Party defects to Reform

A spokesman for Reform said: 'This confirms we are a clear alternative to the Conservative Party. By having exactly the same policies and the same personnel.' This has left some voters confused: 'So, in the next election I can vote out my sitting MP, by voting in my current MP but with a different rosette?' 

The founding members of Reform are feeling somewhat outnumbered by the flood of Tories, that many are considering defecting to the Conservative Party - which is now just an empty warehouse with a stuffed mannequin of Norman Tebbit. However, the new Reform recruits have threatened to follow suit and rejoin the Tories, causing the new Conservatives to defect again-leading to the first perpetual motion machine of tw$ts.

NATO to rebrand as Trump NATO

‘NATO is a self-defence organisation and right now NATO needs to defend itself’, a spokesman told NewsBiscuit.

‘As well as rebranding NATO we will award Donald Trump the NATO Medal for Bravery and give him a 5% skim off the top. All nations will need to increase their budgets a little, but at least we won’t be showing Putin our naked arses’.

A spokesman for the White House said that 5% was ‘an insult’ and that he knew where NATO’s wife and children lived, so if NATO didn’t fancy coming home to an ugly wife with a remodelled face it should up the offer to 20% minimum.

Denmark to get custody of Greenland at the weekends

In an attempt to calm the world order, the United States has announced that it will let Denmark have full visitation rights at the weekend, as long as it returns Greenland to the US while it is still light.  'No keeping Greenland out after dark,' insisted a US spokesman, noting that Greenland is dark essentially October to March.

'We will exploit Greenland for its mineral wealth Monday to Friday, then return it for Denmark to clean it up at weekends,' the spokesman added.

President Trump has insisted the takeover of a NATO country isn't really about exploiting its natural wealth but by ensuring the US doesn't have Russia on its border.  When it was mentioned that Alaska borders Russia Trump shrugged and suggested Alaska might be next to be taken over.

Photo by Visit Greenland on Unsplash