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Trump finds Fentanyl in Greenland


Much to the concern of Denmark, the US is set to designate Greenland as a rogue terrorist state, which is one threat level below 'country that has oil'. Accusing Greenland of drug production is usually a precursor to invading or 'freedomizing' as the CIA call it.


Greenland will become the 53rd state, after Venezuela and Jeffrey Epstein's sex island. The indigenous people will be preserved in the same way native Americans were - so probably in pickle.


Greenland is very lucky that democracy is coming to them, despite already being a democracy, but this type of democracy comes with no universal health care. Said one General: 'If we don't find Fentanyl, our Big Pharma will bring its own.'


Living in the Matrix? Or just an international version of Risk?


Conspiracy theorists are starting to doubt their core beliefs that JFK was murdered by the CIA, aliens run Centerparcs and that the Matrix was a kiss and tell story based on reality.


'Hasbro have played a long game,' said a leading conspiracy theorist, noting that the board game Risk actually does tend to go on a bit. 'We're all bit part players in the a global version of Risk, with Russia not noticing that Ukraine swapped the red dice for loaded versions that always end up on a one or two. Trump is, predictably, throwing seventeen dice each throw instead of the usual three when attacking, and he's hidden the Greenland card under the board so nobody can see it until he decides to have a go,' he added.


If Trump gets the US, Canada and Greenland and holds them for a full game turn they get an extra two hundred thousand soldiers at the start of the next round, which to be fair they'll need when they roll their dice at Venezuela.


US braced for war against US if it invades Greenland


Whilst the United States believes it needs to assimilate Greenland, by force if necessary, it also understands that as Greenland is part of Denmark, a NATO member, it is obligated to protect Greenland if it attacks it.



'We have troops based on Greenland and we could use them as defensive troops, giving the rest of NATO time to reinforce,' said a spokesman for the War Department.  'Or we could use them to dig in and repel any US troops we're obligated to send to liberate it,' he added.  'It's quite the conundrum,' he agreed.



Russia has suggested that the UN sets up a peace-keeping force and has volunteered to supply troops to keep the Americans away from the Americans.  'We don't need any other UN troops apart from Russian troops,' a spokesman for Russia said today.  'Five or more battalions, with tanks, helicopters, MiG fighters and a few nuclear weapons should keep the peace,' he added.


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