Trump rants over poor attendance at his Great State Unfair

'My Great State Fair was meant to be the centrepiece of America's 250 years of independence,' whined US Crybaby-in-Chief Donald Trump.

'It was organised by Freedom 250, a company set up by me - a businessman who has spent his entire life bilking ordinary Americans like sub-contractors out of their money.

'So why on earth didn't the whole population come to Washington to get ripped off at the my Great State Unfair's overpriced hot-dog and soda stands?' asked an irate Trump.

'Maybe because they were already getting ripped off by FIFA for beer and quesadillas at World Cup matches.

'I've got to hand it to those guys, they're good,' conceded Trump.

'After I've been impeached, I'm going to team up with them. We'll call ourselves FIFAT, and together we'll screw the world like you wouldn't believe.'

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Defence Spending Plan includes improving VAR

The UK will set aside £5bn on drones to determine if a ball has crossed the line, with the precision normally reserved for missile trajectories. Predator drones will hover over the pitch to confirm whether a striker’s toe is existentially offside. And instead of slow-motion replay, you will get a 3D battlefield reconstruction narrated by someone deeply serious, probably Jeremy Bowen.

An MOD spokesman explained, 'It's about priorities and, let's face it, we all prefer football to war.' The nature of warfare and refereeing has changed significantly, so even goal celebrations are paused while drones confirm that the joy is justified. 'From now on, substitutions wo;; require clearance from three aerial units, and every throw-in will be treated like a low-stakes border crossing.'

Military-grade target tracking will finally answer the difficult questions. Was it a handball or weapons of mass destruction? VAR officials will now say 'confirm visual' instead of 'hang on, still checking'. And a disputed penalty will trigger a full intelligence briefing. But ultimately, after spending billions of pounds on the technology, MOD VAR will still take four minutes and will still get it wrong, anyway.

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Keir Starmer to serve popcorn for leadership election

Following his charitable visit last week serving popcorn to students in a Milton Keynes Odeon, Keir Starmer has announced he will be setting up his own popcorn stand in the corner of the Labour Party’s upcoming leadership election. ‘He really got into the swing of it, scooping it into bags and adding toppings,’ said the Downing Street Press Secretary. ‘He said it felt like the first time in two years he was doing something that mattered. So he has decided that he will continue to serve popcorn just as he has served the country - with strength, integrity and a discount deal when you buy a drink.’

A Junior Minister spoke about the upcoming event on a recent breakfast show appearance, ‘It’s going to be a tough day for him. I think he wants to stay out of the limelight, but still give back to the party he has fought for all these years, more specifically the choices of sweet, salty and toffee in medium and large sized bags.’

Following this news, there are reports that Ed Miliband is planning a rival stand serving bacon sandwiches.

Image credit: ChatGPT