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Farage incensed that he's running against a joke candidate


'Nigel wasn't surprised when Labour pulled out of the by-election,' said a Reform spokesman.


'The Tories chickening out was a no-brainer,' he said, 'because we hold the brains of the Tory party here,' said, admitting that Lee wasn't included.  Nor Suella, to be fair. 'And don't draw any conclusions about Honest Bob until after the NCA ivestigation,' he added.


'We thoroughly expected the Lib Dems to refuse to stand.  Nobody in Clacton wants to care about people, that's why they voted for Nigel.  And don't bother sending Zack around, this is hardly Brighton,' he ranted.


'But pitting a joke candidate up, that is beyond the pale,' he said, holding up a picture of Lawrence Fox.  'A bin, sure, bring it on.  Nigel will stub his cigar on him, but Fox?


'What a joke'.


image from grok


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Reform accuses Count Binface of 'not being a real bin'


Private investigators working for Reform UK Ltd claim to have 'conclusive proof' that Count Binface isn't a genuine space-travelling dustbin.


'We know a LOT about rubbish here at Reform', a spokesnazi told us 'and that bin is definitely upside down. It's such a basic error we're surprised the rest of you hadn't spotted it'.


It has been suggested that Binface might actually have a university degree, making him a 'public enemy' in the eyes of Reform's leaders, who plan to cancel qualifications higher than GCSE for 'personal reasons'.


Clacton resident Pete Lighthead was unsurprised. 'I bloody knew it! I told my Maureen, didn't I? I said he's not a real bin. He's too shiny. I'm starting to doubt whether he's an actual Count'.


image by Google Gemini


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Voters of Clacton to decide whether climate change is real


As the UK swelters in the third heatwave of the summer, it was announced today that the people of Clacton in Essex will be given the chance to rule on whether climate change is a real thing or “just an establishment stitch-up”.


“Yes, these things were once decided by scientists with qualifications,” said spokesman Dave Concrete of the Reform Party, which organised the poll. “Just as you might, say, get forensic accountants to go through a politician’s finances to determine whether he’s corrupt.


“But we all know ‘expert’ is just another word for ‘the establishment’, and it’s time the issue was put to the people instead.”


Early indications are that Clactonians haven’t quite understood the question, instead telling pollsters that the weather was “gawjus” and they might have an ice cream.


image from Grok


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