New executive order from Trump: 'Call me Honest Donald'

The US president issued an executive order today saying that everyone should call him Honest Donald or get sued.

'They called Abraham Lincoln Honest Abe,' dribbled Trump at the signing ceremony, 'but people are saying that all he did was lie - lie down after being assassinated that is. What a loser.'

'Lincoln said he abolished slavery, but slavery's still happening like you wouldn't believe.

'I treat all my cabinet secretaries and my NATO allies like they're my slaves.

'And I saw a whole load of slaves on Epstein's sleazy, vice-ridden island. Sexy, underage slaves, who I definitely did not rape, because Honest Donald has never, ever visited.'

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Mandelson both passes and fails vetting

'Yes,' sighed a previously quite enthusiastic Foreign Office press nerd, 'it is true that Peter Mandelson failed vetting. But there is a bit more to it than that.'

'The vetting computer is in a locked room and is not connected to the internet. It runs on Windows 3.1 and an old database called, ironically Paradox, which was very popular for about 3 weeks in the nineties. We have to boot the computer using seven old-style floppy disks, and it takes ages. We keep asking for a new computer, but they always say that the money is needed for someone else.

'Anyway, Mandelson failed vetting on the first attempt and the reason given was No Valid Parameter for Subroutine checkifdodgy. We get that error message quite a lot, and standard operating procedure is to switch it all off, give it a kick, and turn it all back on again. So that's what we did. And when we ran the vetting programme again, thirty minutes later, Mandelson passed.

'So that's all you need to know. Mandelson failed vetting. Mandelson passed vetting. They're both true. So the logical consequence is that the PM should both resign and remain. Then everyone will be happy.

'Won't they?'

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I'd have got a great peace deal, says Trump at cage fight

'I don't blame my minions for failing to reach a deal in Islama-ma-ma-bad,' slurred President Trump from the centre of a psychotic crowd at a UFC cage fighting arena in Dimwit, Kentucky.

'Vance, Witkoff and Jared simply don't have my peaceful instincts and finely-tuned negotiating skills - like demanding things and then shouting threats when I'm denied them.

'I would have been there at the talks myself to pull off the world's greatest ever peace deal like you wouldn't believe, but I had to be here watching UFC bouts for an entire evening with thousands of other blood-thirsty morons.

'Besides, I couldn't go for religious reasons. They tell me they don't allow pigs in Pakistan, and I'm a total pig.'

Image: Daniel Lloyd Blunk-Fernández (@blunkorama) | Unsplash Photo Community