Politics 9/841

Clacton voters confused by various versions of the Binface party

Titus
Jul 28

As widely reported, nearly everyone in Clacton is planning to vote Binface. However they are confused by the proliferation of bins, and on what day of the week they can turn out and vote for them.

Do they vote for the People's Democratic Binface party (strange how left-wing, Marxist / Maoist / Trotskyist, or any other authoritarian party always calls itself 'democratic') or the Popular Binface Front (equally strange, how right-wing fascist / populist parties always call themselves 'popular')? Or do they support the British Binface party (a bunch of flag-waving nationalists)? Or maybe even the aristocratic Count Binface party?

And will their votes be re-cycled, or just sent for landfill? Whichever, they will be anxious to avoid accidentally voting for any really silly parties, like Nick the Incredible Flying Brick's Official Monster Raving Loony Party, Howling Laud Hope's Official Monster Raving Loony Party, Baron Von Thunderclap's Official Monster Raving Loony Party or Nigel Farage's Reform UK party.

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Larry the Cat replaced by Albert the Whippet

Wrenfoe
Jul 28

The No.10 cat is refusing to relocate to the new Government offices in the North, complaining that the seagulls are the size of small horses and had union representation. By contrast, Albert’s natural ability to vibrate with excitement at 300mph will be the only excitement generated by Andy Burnham.

A spokeswoman confirmed, ‘Whippets don’t climb curtains, chandeliers, or visiting dignitaries; while Larry considered all three fair game. Whippets are low maintenance and won’t demand to be worshipped; cats insist on being the actual head of state. And Albert will happily accompany Andy on his morning runs; whereas Larry would file a formal complaint.

‘Plus whippet zoomies can be used to match the speed with which we change Prime Ministers.’

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Sadiq Khan to introduce negative speed limits

eppursimuove
Jul 27

In conjunction with physicists at London University, Mayor Sadiq Khan plans to introduce negative speed limits on London’s roads.

”We’ve done everything we can to screw money out of motorists,” said a spokesman for the diminutive extortionist. “We’ve made speed limits so low you’re almost certain to get fined if you drive anywhere, especially as we’re careful not to signpost the 20mph limits if we can help it.

”However, I know the boss is frustrated by all the people who have cars but don’t use them much. We’ve done everything we can to force them off public transport - no aircon or 24 hour service on the tube, most trains not accessible to wheelchair users, usually no service at the weekends… and don’t even get me started on buses. But there are some people who just won’t take the hint.

”Fortunately, the physicists we’ve consulted advise us there is a such a thing as negative speed, and apparently it doesn’t just mean going backwards. Therefore we feel entirely justified in imposing a negative speed limit all over London, so even parked cars are breaking it,”

The spokesman went on to say this in no way replaces fines for illegal parking, which they’d probably quietly increase while everyone’s attention was elsewhere.

Photo by Nabeel Syed on Unsplash

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