top of page
Search

Blair leaves massive turd in Starmer's toilet

Tony Blair has left a huge neoliberal turd festering in Keir Starmer's toilet on a recent visit to Downing Street, it has been revealed. 


Sources close to the PM say the large brown trout dumped by the former PM is proving extremely hard to flush away, even with the assistance of a wire coat hanger and a large bucket of cold water, and is causing chaos in Number 10.  


The news is a further blow to Sir Keir, coming just a day after the ex-PM and Labour leader published a near 6,000 word essay on 'what is Labour doing wrong, why I remain the best leader ever, and why my tech bro mates should be allowed to take over the world' on the fiercely independent Tony Blair Institute for Global Change website. 


'This steaming turd has the potential to derail the PM, for sure', said one Starmer loyalist - though it wasn't clear if he meant the actual turd or Tony Blair. 'Keir's bowel movements are as regular as his pronouncements about how real change has already taken place since he was elected PM. Tony's er . . . intervention . . . is therefore extremely unhelpful, as well as being rather smelly'.


Both Wes Streeting and Andy Burnham have promised to remove the stench if elected, although Blair has suggested that neither of them has the skills required to shift the huge cable that he has laid and that they are all just going through the motions. 



Expert raises alarm but Government says it’s all fine

An expert has raised the alarm over something or other serious but a Government spokesperson told NewsBiscuit ‘We have spent £25 billion over this Parliament to address the challenges raised in this report so everything’s fine’.


Other experts have also raised concerns about other serious matters, but fortunately these are also covered by large sums of money.


NewsBiscuit can’t be bothered finding out whether £25 billion is the right amount of money, or even if it exists. It’s too hot. The polite thing to do is thank the spokesperson and report that everything is now fine and we don’t need to worry about the Navy relying on a couple of canoes, schools falling down or hospitals asking patients to share beds.



Peter Murrell to be stripped of Scottish citizenship


A pressure group is agitating for Peter Murrell to be declared UnScottish and stripped of Scottish citizenship.


'It's not so much the alleged embezzlement,' said Jock Onn, of the pressure group. 'it's what he spent the money on.


'No self respecting Scot would spend £975 on three umbrellas. Actually, £325 for one umbrella is too much. Twenty quid max, I'd say. And £4795 for a pen, FFS. Which, I assume didn't work, as he then spend £4555 on a different pen. If a true Scot needs a pen, then they go to Argos for one of their stubby little blue biros. And if you need a pencil, then you go to IKEA.


'And £3500 for a wine coaster. Wine? He's Scottish. He should be buying Whisky coasters. And there's no money spent on haggis, or salmon, or shortbread. It's like a dagger to the heart. It's basically treason. And that's why his citizenship should be revoked.



bottom of page