Mid-term madness?

There are less than thirty days to the US mid-term elections. The polls look very bad for Donald Trump, so he’ll need to put in an unbelievable performance to turn things around.

Here are our best predictions of what you can expect...

Trump tries to shout down the price of oil, again

Trump offers to arm Argentina so that they can take back Las Malvinas on condition that they are renamed The American Islands and that the US gets all the oil

Millions of dollars are spent on social media disinformation and lies

Trump demolishes the White House west-wing to build a new casino

Trump declares victory over Iran because Iran hasn't gained a single inch of territory

The Board of Peace takes over FIFA. FIFA announces that 2028 World Cup will be held in Gaza in 2028, just before the US presidential elections

ICE officers are filmed eating immigrants' pets

Trump tries to shout down interest rates, again

Iran steals the Epstein files in full and publishes them. Trump says it's all fake news.

In a bizarre tribute to Douglas Adams, Donald Trump decides to insult all world leaders in alphabetical order

Trump confirms his third and fourth terms

Trump suspends the US Constitution due to a National Emergency that he will explain ‘shortly’

Trump's mates buy all US media outlets. All media outlets predict a massive ground-breaking, world-beating, lip-smacking, thirst-quenching, mid-term election win for Trump.

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US bombers leave UK – oh dear, what a shame

While many might argue this weakens the special relationship, others would say that it means the UK is no longer snuggled up to Mad McTrump the Bedwetting Beast of Crazytown. What was originally pitched as a great security partnership soon turned into ‘congratulations, you're now on several targeting maps – and everyone hates you.’ Supporters call it deterrence. Critics call it painting a bullseye on the UK.

Explained one British General, ‘Nothing says independent foreign policy quite like discovering your nation has been automatically enrolled in someone else's argument. Hosting another country's bombers is a bit like lending a friend your spare room and waking up to find they've turned it into a fireworks warehouse.’

The Pentagon denied that hosting bombers had only been negative for the UK, ‘Our base lets the Brits feel that conflicts occurring 3,000 miles away are much more local. Why settle for making your own enemies when you can import a premium selection of US ones?’. One war protestor commented, ‘Our foreign policy is like a shopping trolley with a broken wheel: technically its ours, but clearly its going wherever somebody else is pushing it. This base acts as a diplomatic timesaver. Instead of asking where you stand on an issue, the rest of the world simply makes an educated guess.’

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Car of the month: Israel's Settler Extreme

'If you're a fan of the IDF Merkava,' said a spokes-gasket for the Likud Hard Right Coalition Motor Corporation, 'then you'll love this unbelievably unpleasant civilian counterpart we've brought onto the market: the West Bank Settler Extreme.

'The Settler is an all-terrain vehicle, meaning that it will ride roughshod over any Palestinian farmer in the West Bank and take all his terrain.

"And it comes complete with a licence - a licence to do whatever the hell it likes while the Israeli police turn a blind eye.'

The head of Likud Motors, Benjamin Netanyahu, said, 'I got a great deal on a fleet of Settlers. They vote for me and my hard-right cronies. In return, I let them seize all the land they like in the occupied territories to build settlements on.

'So see how the Settler Extreme performs in trials,' gushed the spokes-sprocket, 'as it sets light to a West Bank village and never goes on trial for the crime.

'And make sure to order your Settler Extreme today - bearing in mind that our Settlers are totally disorderly and violent in the extreme.'

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