UK train companies suspend all services after Russia's drone strike targeting Boris in Ukraine

'Russia's strike on a train which was reportedly meant to get Boris Johnson," said a spokes-Diesel Multiple Unit for the UK's rail companies, "has come as a wake up call to all us about the risks of carrying eminent former statesmen as passengers... and clowns like Boris.

'We are therefore suspending all passenger and freight services across the UK, with immediate effect, while we assess the possibility that Russia might be planning to strike trains carrying Sir Keir Starmer, Liz Truss, Theresa May or Harold MacMillan. Yep, the sleeper service carrying him from King's Cross to Inverness has still not arrived.

'Rail staff will be kept on full pay and high alert, playing cards in the canteen, until we have competed this exhaustive analysis and decided to get back to work again. There will be no refunds on tickets for cancelled services. 

'As you probably noticed, we don't actually like running trains and incidents this like give us a perfect pretext not to bother.' 

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Harborne and Delo - Newsbiscuit will say this only once

We see what you are doing - trying to buy the likes of Nigel Farage and other yesterday people.  Well, for the last time, Newsbiscuit isn't up for sale.  Not for £1 million, £5 million and definitely not for £36 million.

And you can forget about wads of cash in plain brown paper envelopes - what do you take us for?  County

councillors?

Newsbiscuit, for hopefully the last time, isn't up for sale.  Rent, sure. A long lease with an open chequebook, probably.  But don't confuse us with the likes of Farage.  We have principles.  They might be well hidden, but that's another story. 

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Extremist RNLI and the Pakistani Cricket team feel full wrath of 'Patriots'

Idiot groups of awful people are waging war on the extremist lifesaving RNLI and the Pakistani Cricket team, neither of which poses any threat to England, especially with that bowling attack. What are the new groups that will be soon facing “patriotic wrath”? Let’s have a look…

• The Brownies – for obvious reasons

• Food Banks – For causing the Cost-of-Living Crisis and being constantly being bailed out by do-gooding donation givers.

• Parliamentary Commissioner for Standards – For wasting taxpayers’ money on frivolous investigations into common sense £5,000,000 gifts. Anyway, £36,000,000 in dodgy crypto is much more de rigeur

• The Met Office – For using space lasers to control the UK’s weather and making it too hot and now a bit nippy.

• Trees – The leaf dropping bastards…. Standing there, doing nuffin’…thinking they’re better than us…taking our CO₂….I hate them so much…

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