Scotland's Birth Rate Falls to Record Low

The number of babies being born in Scotland fell to a record low for the third consecutive year, new figures show.

The figures from the National Records of Scotland (NRS) show live births of 45,067 in 2025, the lowest number since records began in 1855.  NRS spokesperson Gail Winds suggested that part of the reason could simply be due to the unattractiveness of Scotland and the Scottish people.

'Scotland is cold, wet and windy,' she said.  'And that's just the summer; winter is usually worse.  Add to that the general lack of attractiveness amongst its population, so it's no wonder that the birth rate is down.  I mean, most people here have a face that only a mother could love. New mothers are often seen pulling their babies' prams'

Further data released today by NRS also showed that for the 11th consecutive year, deaths continue to outnumber births.  'That proves,' continued Winds, 'that people are dying to leave Scotland.'

image from pixabay

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DC nursery troubled by disruptive toddler

A Washington DC nursery today held a press conference to try to calm the public after one of its charges, a toddler whose name was given only as 'DJ', threatened to knock down bigly buildings in the City if he wasn't allowed to scribble his name on them in crayon.

'We appreciate that this may cause distress to the residents of Washington DC,' stated Blanche Todd, senior administrator for the nursery.  'However, you know what toddlers are like - they just don't listen to people who know any better and don't respect authority and have tantrums whenever they want to try to get their own way. 

However, rest assured, we will do everything in our power to stop this wanton vandalism of our cultural buildings and have already sent someone to the store to buy small, shiny things that we can use to distract DJ.  But don't worry, we'll do everything in our power so that little Johnny gets to keep his Center.'

image by Grok

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World leaders ‘baffled’ by love for Dolly Parton

The global outpouring of love and respect for Dolly Parton has confused many statesmen. Donald Trump has asked aides whether people will say similar things about him when he passes. He’s still waiting for an answer. It's getting tense now.

Kim Jong Un felt a natural affinity with the diminutive character with unbelievable hair, but continues to search for her instruments of intimidation. How else can you achieve popularity?

Vladimir Putin has ordered an investigation into the Nashville Intelligence Agency’s obvious psy-ops activities, praising the skilful use of a fictional character and advanced disinformation techniques.

NewsBiscuit can reassure world leaders: when your time comes, the line will be even longer than it was for Dolly Parton. And where you’re going, the gallons of piss will vaporise instantly.

image by Grok

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