Artemis II unable to fake moon landing

Nasa has conceded that their latest spacecraft is unable to go where the Apollo missions went, which is a soundstage somewhere in the Nevada desert. Said one scientist, 'We conveniently lost all the original data, alongside who shot JFK. This means we cannot replicate the fake flag and questionable photography, instead we are forced to actually visit the Moon-which is the one thing the aliens asked us not to do.”

Fifty years since the original fake landing, we now forced to pretend that our technology is worse than the 70s-which is only true when talking about Prog Rock. We are now expected to believe that Artemis will have 41 minutes of communication blackout, while Richard Nixon was able to order pizza from Apollo 11 using two papercups connected by string.

Instead Artemis II will do a quick lap of the moon, ignoring all the otherworldly cities made from cheese. The return flight will be fairly straight forward once North America lines up with them, which is less complicated now that we know the Earth is flat. 'Thank goodness we launched on April 1st.'

image by Grok

Reform seeks candidates who are “a bit less Reformy”

Following scandals over candidates doing Nazi salutes or saying the victims of the Grenfell fire “would have died anyway”, Reform have decided they need to find candidates who “are a bit less Reformy”.

The strategy was outlined by party chairman Lee Anderthal, who before he went into politics specialised in making stone tools and flint arrowheads.

“The trouble is, we seem to only attract people who are a bit dim and hopeless. Who just have a vague, self-pitying dislike of the modern world they’re not intelligent enough to process, and imagine it’s all the fault of immigrants.”

”He’s right,” agreed the head of the party’s Irish branch, Austral O’Pithecus, whose special responsibilities include making fire. “Everyone who joins Reform basically sees things as stupidly as we do. We need to find people who are much smarter than us, but inexplicably want to be Reform candidates.”

They concluded by expressing the hope their new manifesto might attract the kind of people they want. Unfortunately it’s thought it wasn’t seen by many people, as it was only available as a cave painting.

image by Grok

US Forces seize Easter Bunny

Donald Trump has announced that US Forces have captured the Easter Bunny at an unknown location and transported him to New York, for trial.

The Easter Bunny stands accused of un-American acts. These acts include 

• Going against government initiatives to Make America Healthy Again and are related to the unauthorised and unregulated distribution of foodstuffs, notably chocolate

• Promotion of food products containing ingredients not grown in America, including cocoa

• Unauthorised dumping of foodstuff and other detritus in a public place, relating to the wanton abandonment of foil wrapped eggs in parks, gardens and municipal property

The President has said that the operation against the Easter Bunny and his evil regime was a total, massive, huge success and that Americans have been saved from the expensive, subversive and unhealthy influence of a vast organised criminal conspiracy.

US Forces are also reported to be seizing Easter Eggs and other chocolate goods from stores. These will, apparently, be ‘put beyond use’. This will happen swiftly, and no trace of the contraband chocolate goods will remain after Easter Sunday.

The President has criticised neighbouring countries, allies, enemies, Europeans and penguins on the Marshall Islands for not supporting the US action. He said that everyone ‘talked a good story about taking out the Easter Bunny’, but when it came to the crunch, they had all melted away.

image by grok