King pays Andrew's Pizza Express bills

King Charles has paid a six figure sum to clear Andrew's Pizza Express bills for the last twenty years.

Andrew claims that the pizzas were all free, as he was a royal and also a brand ambassador. He says he provided invaluable publicity for the pizza chain as he always used them as his alibi when he couldn't reveal his real location.

A spokesperson claiming to represent Pizza Express said that they were grateful to the king for clearing the delinquent's account and that they had waived £56 which should have been paid to the charity Venice in Peril.

As part of the settlement Andrew has agreed that he is not, and never was, a brand ambassador for Pizza Express and that 'what happens in Woking stays in Woking.'

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Zack Polanski needs bodyguards 'to protect him from himself'

Green Party leader Zack Polanski has been assigned a team of bodyguards who will accompany him at all times. 

The passing of the motion that “Zionism equals racism” means that the Green Party is no longer a safe space for Jews - not even its leader.

The bodyguards have instructions to look out for Polanski launching any surprise attacks against himself, especially since 'that’s just the kind of sneaky thing Jews would do.'

Polanski himself says he didn’t ask for this extra protection, though he admits, 'it’s quite useful when I go to the synagogue on the Sabbath, as everyone there looks like they want to kill me.'

Image credit: ChatGPT

B52s needed to protect the voting booths

President Trump has denied that the US Air Force has been spooked by three Transit vans and five guys syphoning petrol.  The relocation of the B52 bomber fleet is more to do with illegal voting than being scared of Iran.  Honestly.

'Iran isn't an issue for the United States,' he said today, 'but illegal voting is.'  There is little, if any, evidence of meaningful voting crime in the US, and the President thinks dropping nuclear bomb on potential Democrat voting queues would completely eliminate it.

'I accept a few misguided Democrat voters might be collateral damage,' the President said, 'but my advisor in Moscow says this is the only way we can guarantee there aren't any false votes cast.' 

President Vladimir Putin wasn't available for comment.

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