US shoppers forced to choose between food and guns

US retail sales are under strain as shoppers grapple with rising costs.  Food prices continue to rise and gas is heading back up to five dollars a gallon.

Retailers say that shoppers are having to choose between heating, eating and shooting.  In many stores food sales are down, but sales of guns and ammunition are up.

'It's a bunker mentality,' said the quartermaster for a well-known chain of megamarts.  'Shoppers are thinking, what's the point in eating, if the US of A is overrun by commie loving left wing illegal immigrant traitors?  Guns and ammo are their top priority and everything else comes second.  You can't actually eat lead, but I believe that some hillbillies might be trying. They can't afford to heat their homesteads, but they know that if you fire off enough rounds, the gun will warm up and you can use it like a hot water bottle.  With the safety on, obviously.

'We are helping customers address the 'eat or shoot' dilemma by offering great deals, including promotions that link basic foods with armaments.  For example, buy twelve trifles, get a free rifle.  And buy a Magnum (ice cream or wine) and get a Magnum (pistol) free.  Our deal of the day is 'buy five shooters and get the six shooter free'.

'There was a riot in a competing store after it offered a ten dollar Saturday Night Special.  Shoppers became very angry when this turned out to be a deal on pizza and soda, and not a pistol with the serial number filed off.

'For our part, we are determined to offer the best value to our target market, which is undernourished gun-toting crazies,' he continued. 'We're massacring prices. You should get down here like a shot. Come and scope us out. We've got sights for sore eyes. We've got RPGs, and they ain't video games. And we've got the very best hardware, and I don't mean mops and buckets. Although we do have those too...'

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No policies announced today

The government has announced no new policies today, extending the political drought to 72 hours.

Expert commentators say that the government is leaving a dangerous policy vacuum that will just suck in loony policies from Reform or stupid ideas from TikTok.

'The policy vacuum does real economic damage,' said one freelance journo. 'I need new policies to write about, dissect, argue about, and write air-headed vox pops about. No policies, no paychecks for me.

'The government could easily boost the economy right now, just by announcing some new policy ideas. They don't have to be credible, actionable or sensible Just something we can all write about.'

A government PRsole said, 'It's silly season. Journalists are perfectly able to make up so-called news stories on their own. Anyway, there's always more nonsense coming from Trump, so we suggest that they write about that.'

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Plan to house homeless people in Travelodge hotels is ‘unsafe’

The Prime Minister has unveiled a plan to end rough sleeping, promising to 'get everyone in for Christmas' by offering homeless people accommodation in Travelodge hotels.

However, the plan has been criticised by one homelessness charity, who pointed out that asking homeless people to sleep in a Travelodge may not be the safest solution, citing several recent reports of strangers walking into occupied rooms.

'We don’t think it’s appropriate to put vulnerable people somewhere where they can be woken at 2am by a complete stranger who’s been given a key to their room,' said charity spokesman Steve Wilkes, who then added, 'They’d be safer on the streets.'

The Government has defended its proposal, insisting that homeless people would be offered 'a warm room with a bed, a tiny kettle, and a self-service breakfast'.

'We think it’s a reasonable offer,' said Burnham.

However, when asked if he would personally sleep in a Travelodge room where a stranger could potentially walk in, Burnham reportedly paused for several seconds before saying, 'Let’s move on.'

One charity has suggested that homeless people could be allowed to sleep in the corridors of the House of Commons, but some MPs were concerned that they would have access to the on-site gym, social club and subsidised bars and restaurants. One MP warned that allowing homeless people into the Commons could set a dangerous precedent: 'Before you know it, they’ll be claiming expenses, taking long lunches and falling asleep during debates.'

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