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A moment of calm for the American media

Writer: deskpilot
deskpilot
Sep 25

President Trump is complaining about the media walkout on his social media accounts. But he cannot be seen bitching and whinging on mainstream media after a boycott by the White House press corps.


MS Now led their morning news bulletin with a story about a cat stuck up a tree. Politico went with a special report on the elections in Germany. And CNN highlighted a Dakota man with an interesting collection of cutlery.


A CNN spokesman said, 'We are fully in favour of free speech and we are exercising our right not to talk about the big nothingness, or anything he is connected with. So we ain't covering ________, or __________ and definitely not ____________________.


But, if the opportunity arose, we would definitely run a story about the Epstein Papers.'





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Teenagers to be offered new vocational GCSE in forelock tugging

Writer: Wrenfoe
Wrenfoe
Sep 25

The UK has given up education and will now focus on menial low-wage jobs, with students studying Advance Button Pressing and certificates in Lid Removal Technologies. Boasted one student, ‘Last month I mastered yoghurt pots and marker pens, and if I pass my exam I might be allowed to put them back on again.’


Colleges will have an array of bespoke vocational experiences, including a Diploma in Queue Observation, an Award in Chair Alignment and a Level 2 Beverage Transportation (e.g. safely relocating a cup of tea from one side of the office to the other). There will still be academic qualifications like the Level 3 Waste Bin Monitoring leading to a T-Level in Staple Awareness - a two-year programme focused on identifying whether paper has already been stapled.


Said another learner, ‘I can now recognise that cables exist without necessarily knowing what they do, thanks to my Certificate in Cable Appreciation. Combined with my Level 1 Mouse Movement Studies and Award in Filing Things Somewhere I expect to be earning six figures, sometime in 2087.’ The Education Secretary proudly declared, ‘We are training the next generation of industry leaders, with our GCSEs in Important Pen Distribution and Empty Box Relocation.’ And those that fail will transferred to the extended diploma in ‘canon—fodder’ which has a remote campus on the Ukrainian frontline.





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"Trump's still has two more years in here," says ruined china shop owner

Writer: Jeremynh
Jeremynh
Sep 24

"It's been 20 months since that mad sod of a bull came back in here," lamented the owner of White House Fine Ceramics to reporters from amidst the piles of broken porcelain strewn across his shop floor, "and it's been doing a demolition job on the place ever since.


"The first thing the monster laid its hate-filled eyes on was a finely-crafted piece called 'Free Trade', and it instantly started destroying it with a series of wild and reckless tariff charges.


"Then it spied an incredibly fragile item called "the Middle East", which was always teetering on the brink, and set about ruining it beyond repair with its cackling little helper Benjamin 'Golem' Netanyahu.


"A couple of amateur toreadors tried to pop a cap in the Trumpotaur's hideous orange hide but it seems to have a demonic ability to dodge bullets, spears, tax demands, impeachments or anything else hurled its way.


We still have 28 months of this bonehead china-wrecker rampaging around here," said the store owner, looking for safe place to hide a priceless objet d'art called "World Peace". 


"The best we can hope for is that it will eventually get bored and wander off to mate with its favourite heifers, Stormy Daniels and Gianni Infantino."


At press time, the White House was reporting it had gone morally bankrupt. 





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