Politics 9/0

Victim of multiple romance scams speaks out

Oct 2

‘The first one was in the 80s’, B told us. ‘She really convinced me she had my best interests at heart and if I just sold some assets I’d be better off. I really regret that now. I’d love to go for a wild swim like I used to, but the turds put me off.

‘The next really bad one was much later. Persuaded me to leave a long-term relationship. Apparently the other party was bad for me. I can see them now, but only for short spells and I can’t live with them like I used to. I really miss the food.

‘More recently the same guy’s been coming round telling me to self harm. At least he seems to have money these days, though I don’t know where it comes from – he’s never at work. He wants me to sign away my rights, which seems wrong, doesn’t it? Also – and he doesn’t seem to understand this – my ancestry is fairly mixed and he’s always singing Hitler Youth songs when he thinks we can’t hear. But on the plus side, he’s promised to stop the boats’.

Image: LunarSeaArt - Pixabay

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Burnham to try ‘a bit of WD-40’ on the Civil Service

Sully

Sep 30

Three months into his Work Experience placement as Prime Minister, Andy Burnham ‘s next move will be ‘a squirt of WD-40’ into various branches of the Civil Service.

‘It takes ages to get anything done in government’, a spokesman said. ‘WD-40 works on rusty hinges and creaking gates, maybe it could streamline the legislative process. Got to be worth a try’.

Burnham’s flagship economic policy - nationalising pork scratchings – has proved frustrating. The National Pork Scratchings Collective still hasn’t agreed a constitution and looks to be months away from commissioning its first Tik Tok advert featuring baby-faced Burnham enjoying a pack of the skin-based delicacy.

‘It’s all about momentum’, the spokesman told us. ‘Andy has to announce something new every week or someone’s going to point at him and laugh, and it’ll all be over. Once people realise he’s just a bloke it’ll be like the end of Whistle Down The Wind, only more Northern. We need those Tik Toks, we need a coherent policy on pork scratching distribution and we need a really big can of WD-40, pronto’.

Image: File:Prime Minister Andy Burnham arrives at 10 Downing Street (55406541496).jpg - Wikimedia Commons

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Trump takes "utterly disgusting" as a compliment

Jeremynh

Sep 29

"The President is a deeply disagreeable person," said a White House spokes-cockroach, "and he is more used to receiving outraged abuse than compliments. That's why he is so very grateful to the editor of the Wall Street Journal for his affectionate words.

"During the visit of Chinese leader Xi Jinping, President Trump had shown him a picture of an autopen and told Xi it was Joe Biden. The two then laughed.

"When the President read the next day in the Wall Street Journal that his behaviour had been 'utterly disgusting', tears welled in his eye and he said it was the kindest thing anyone had ever said. His parents had never spoken to him that lovingly."

Later during his visit, Xi cackled as Trump tore the wings off a butterfly on the south lawn of the White House and invited him to China to see how his security services treat Uyghur dissidents.

Image: File:Donald Trump and Xi Jinping meets at 2018 G20 Summit.jpg - Wikimedia Commons

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