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The Clacton by-election has been won by a comedy caricature who doesn't look human, or have any humanity.


The caricature was developed by Nigel Farage, a millionaire commodities trader, as the mainstay for a satirical show called 'BBC News'.


His long running gag-character, a gilded, thin-skinned kleptocrat alien candidate running for election in a constituency he has never been to, in a country he obviously hates, for a people he wants to ethnically cleanse, has been very popular in Clacton.


"I love his costume made of gold and pound notes, which he defrauded me of in front of my face whilst blaming immigrants', said Phillipa, a Clacton resident, "I fall for it every time."


A spokesperson said: “police advised Farage to hold this election, due to a credible threat against his credit-rating.”


This latest antic comes a decade after his famous 'Brexit' caper, where he fooled over 17m UK voters into thinking they'd be "better off" leaving the EU, humorously costing each of them over £3,000 per year.


In a follow-up stunt he convinced them to elect a novelty persona, an incompetent who spoke entirely in pig-latin, Boris Johnson, as a Prime Minister whose toxic and chaotic response to the Covid outbreak likely caused a hilarious 23,000 excess deaths.


Allegations that he looked surprised at these results have been rejected by Farage, who insisted 'that's just how I look'.




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The Metropolitan Police has advertised for a Professional Apologist to help them keep up with all the cock-ups, racism and murders.


The most recent cock-up was their ‘monitoring’ of double-murderer Simon Levy, who nevertheless managed to murder two women and rape a third while under their scrutiny.


‘Not really our fault, is it?’ said a spokesman. ‘He’s not a serving police officer. I can understand the public being grumpy when it’s an actual Met officer who’s the killer, but we can’t seriously be expected to stop known criminals from murdering people, can we? That’s just what they do’.


It’s quite the dilemma – the Met can either get better at dealing with crime or develop its damage limitation skills. Some officers are unhappy with the plan: ‘It’s one rule for the police and a different one for scrotes’, an officer told us. ‘Every time we do something a little off – murder a civilian, rape somebody, forget to turn up at an incident – we have to apologise. When did you last see an organised crime group spend money on marketing? No, they’re okay just to spend it on high living and bribing coppers. Oh – you’re not recording this, are you?’




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White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt has announced that she is stepping away from the role in order to spend more time lying to her family. Her office released the following statement:


‘I am incredibly grateful to President Trump for granting me so many extraordinary opportunities to lie to so many people. I have loved working in the West Wing and spending countless hours in the Oval Office, flying around the world and meeting foreign leaders, and traveling across our beautiful country and meeting Americans from all walks of life. And lying to all of them.


Most of all, I am thankful to the President for entrusting me with the distinct privilege of lying on his behalf at the White House podium. I have lied with great pride about the disastrous accomplishments of this Administration, and I have relished lying to the liberal media in order to ensure the American people hear our carefully curated lies about President Trump’s failures.


Being a mother and welcoming a new baby while lying my way through one of the most demanding jobs in the world has been the most rewarding yet challenging season of my life, to say the least. Whoops, sorry, I may have accidentally been truthful about myself there, apologies.


If I had a heart, I may have felt in it that I could not be the mother that my two young children deserve while devoting the time, energy and lies required of the White House Press Secretary. But I’m going to say that is why I have ultimately made the bittersweet decision to depart the White House and embark on a new chapter of lies in my life. And it has nothing to do with not wanting to be associated with President Trump’s declining, sorry soaring, popularity.


President Trump has asked me to continue lying as a top advisor to him on the outside, and I will always remain a vocal liar for MAGA and the Republican Party.


And to demonstrate that my ability to lie remains as strong as ever, let me say goodbye and, with a straight face, give a message to all of my fellow Americans: I love you all.’




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