Politics 9/0

Conservatives appoint former neo-Nazi as anti-extremism adviser due to ‘industry experience’

Fernandomando
Aug 10

The Conservative Party has defended appointing a former neo-Nazi as an anti-extremism adviser, saying it was delighted to have finally recruited someone with relevant experience. “We advertised for somebody with an extensive background in extremism and his CV really stood out,” said a Conservative spokesman. “He has experience of radicalisation from the ground up and understands the sector in a way that somebody who hasn’t actually been imprisoned for antisemitic harassment simply couldn’t.”

Kemi Badenoch defended the appointment, arguing that the Conservatives believe in rehabilitation and second chances.

Party officials are now understood to be reviewing other appointments, including recruiting an arsonist as fire-safety adviser, a burglar to chair the Home Security Commission and several former Conservative ministers to investigate political incompetence.

A spokesman stressed that the anti-extremism position is unpaid.

“We’re not completely mad.”

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Trump considers privatising the Iran war

Titus
Aug 9

President Donald Trump has denied that the US armed forces are running out of weapons and ammunition in their fight against Iran, despite having completely defeated and then utterly destroyed the state of Iran several times, repeatedly, in the last few months. Even the US National Guard, he claimed, still has plenty of weapons, at least, enough for crucial tasks like ensuring law-and-order in confused, chaotic US states which might be in danger of failing to vote Republican.

'We just thought, with all their guns, the valiant citizens of the USA might like to join in, and help our troops' suggested the President. 'Iranistanshire isn't all that far away and is easy to get to. To get there, you don't need to go through the Straits of Hormuz. No-one wants to go through the Straits of Hormuz - horrible place. No use to anyone.'

https://pixabay.com/photos/flag-iran-banner-2693210/

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Andy Burnham opens 'No 10 Slough'

eppursimuove
Aug 7

In recognition of the fact that the north isn't the only neglected wasteland in the country, Andy Burnham has announced plans to open "No 10 Slough".

The new office, conveniently situated near a grim 1960s multi-storey car park, is thought to have formerly belonged to a paper manufacturer that went bust due to mismanagement. Burnham said that he wanted to be a friend to the staff more than a boss, and especially to make them laugh, saying his heroes weren't Labour Party titans like Nye Bevan or Clement Attlee, they were "Everett, Milligan, Cleese... Sessions."

However, his attempt to ingratiate himself with the staff with comedy fell flat, as it relied heavily on offensive stereotypes and impressions of people they'd never met. His failure was all the more galling when compared with the effortless popularity of office manager Neil Godwin, leading to a dance-off between the two which those who saw it say they will never forget.

A shamefaced Burnham now plans to return to the office as rarely as possible, and always with his dog. He promised not to get involved in the running of the place, only asking "Who does yer tampons?"

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