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Are Farage’s superhero duties interfering with the day job?


It’s the curse of every superhero’s life: fighting crime in secret is a full-time job. Peter Parker fell behind with his studies. Clark Kent faced the sack on a regular basis. Nigel Farage’s absences from Clacton and the House of Commons might cost him the next election. Lucky for him his job has zero penalties for goofing off.


We don’t know which crimes he’s preventing, or which damsels he’s rescuing from distress. We don’t even know what his costume looks like – presumably it’s a flag of some sort. Hammer and sickle, possibly.


What we do know is that Nigel isn’t where he’s supposed to be – which can only mean one thing. He’s fighting crime. Rescuing kittens from blazing rooftops. Fighting pitched battles with supervillains. If you need him, Nigel will be there*. Just project a silhouette of Mein Kampf into the night sky and The Incredible Sulk will be by your side.



*Offer not available in Clacton or other depressing places.



Trump: did Democrats buy Epstein victims flowers? I did!


The Trump White House has hit back at Democrats for releasing photos from the Epstein files, saying that President Trump had done more for the victims than the Democrats ever did.


In an off-the-record briefing, an insider who cannot be named noted that "the Democrats have never even met any of these girls - I knew them all", and listed many of the ways they had helped Epstein's victims:


* paid off their college debts, or bought them school uniform


* allowed them to use his own personal shower


* sent them Xmas presents, including free copies of "The Art of the Deal"


and all of this was done purely "out of the goodness of my heart".


"I even introduced some of them to a guy who claimed to be a Britisher Prince" our anonymous source added, "I don't know if he really was, but he was certainly drunk as a lord most of the time."



Trump announces plans to annex Trumptonshire


In a press conference held beside a stack of gilded MAGA hats, President Donald Trump announced his intention to annex Trumptonshire, having ‘done tremendous research’ by watching several YouTube clips late at night. Trump praised the county as ‘very British, very quaint, frankly very annexable’, apparently unaware that Trumptonshire is a fictional setting from a 1960s UK children’s television series.


“People are saying it’s not real,” Trump said, waving away questions. “But I saw it on video. It’s perfect, it’s even named after me. The US has to have it. Beautiful town hall, great clock. We’re going to cover both in gold leaf. Classy gold. The best gold.”


Trump also revealed plans to replace the statue of Queen Victoria in Trumpton’s market square with a ‘much taller, much better looking’ gold statue of himself. The president said the neighbouring villages of Camberwick Green and Chigley would largely be demolished to make room for ‘a world-class golf course, possibly two’, though Trump reassured reporters that Chigley’s biscuit factory would be spared. “They make biscuits,” he explained, “but we don’t do biscuits, so they’re going to bake cookies now. Big ones. American-sized. The factory workers dance together at 6pm every day, when they finish work. So nice. The music’s lame, though. I’m gonna change that – I’m gonna make ‘em dance to YMCA.”


Trump said he anticipated little resistance to the annexation, noting that Trumptonshire’s only defence appears to be Pippin Fort in Camberwick Green, ‘run by a small group of soldiers, led by a guy named Captain Snort – stupid name, not like mine – ‘Trump’ is a great name’. Emergency services were also described as ‘pathetic’, consisting of a police force of just two officers, PC Potter and PC McGarry; and a fire brigade led by Captain Flack, assisted by firemen Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble and Grubb. “Great people,” Trump concluded. “But not exactly NATO.”


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