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Clacton loses hardworking MP


As Nigel Farage resigns, the constituents of Clacton will have to do without his uncanny ability to look busy while doing absolutely nothing. They fondly recalled his ‘delegating’ of casework tasks by pretending not to hear them. And whose main parliamentary achievement was turning up late and leaving early.


One Clacton resident observed, ‘I admired his unwavering commitment to avoiding eye contact when responsibility approached. And I’ll miss his bold stance of abstaining from everything, except free lunches. His surgery was a locked door and a sign saying ‘Back in 10 minutes’…for eight months straight.’


The community will miss Mr Farage’s dedicated outreach programme—one Christmas card sent to the wrong address. Said another, ‘He was the human equivalent of a phone line that rang forever and was never answered. At least his inbox will finally know peace after years of being used exclusively as storage.’


image from Grok


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Footy - 'My biggest achievement in office' claims Starmer


'I just want to say - and let me be absolutely clear about this - the England team's success in a recent football match against Mexico was, to a very large extent, due to the not inconsiderable degree of encouragement they received from their supporters in England.'


'And this support would not have been so prolific if it had not been possible for honest, hard-working football enthusiasts from all parts of England, regardless of wealth or occupation - including, but not limited to toolmakers and the sons of toolmakers - to attend premises providing public refreshment during the actual time of the contest in question.'


'With regard to the question of regional priorities, as a retiring prime minister, it would not be appropriate for me to offer any comment except to respectfully draw attention to the fact that the city of Manchester does not have a team competing in the current ongoing world football championship contezzz ... ' 


image by Grok


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Sky offer £1.6bn not to watch re-runs of Surprise Surprise


Despite signalling their intentions to buy ITV, Sky executives have made it clear that they will pay anything to avoid Cilla Black singing. Said one, ‘We want a streaming service, not a sewage pump. For every Brideshead Revisited there are thirteen seasons of Love Island we have to delete first. For every Downtown Abbey there is a…well…another Downtown Abbey.’


The majority of the £1.6bn will be spent on kerosine and a large box of matches, as much of ITV’s content will be lovingly archived as part of a barbeque. They will of course retain the best bits-which is the Granda logo, a signed photograph from the cast of ‘On the Buses’ and Phillip Schofield’s leaver’s card.


‘We’ll keep a few family favourites, like Jeremy Kyle driving people to suicide and the animal cruelty from ‘I’m a Celebrity…’. But our many focus will be turning Coronation Street into a global brand, or failing that, a cute box of chocolates. Oh, and we’ll keep the adverts, we love the adverts.’


image from Grok


Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here.


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