Starmer to deploy very strict regulations to the Middle East

"I regret to say that HMS Puff the Magic Dragon is not yet ready to sail to the Eastern Mediterranean,' Sir Keir Starmer told the nation in a prime ministerial broadcast, 'preferring to live by the sea in a land called Honah Lee - otherwise known as Portsmouth.

'So instead, we will be sending to the war zone a set of very strict rules and regulations.

'In the event of the Islamic Revolution Guard Corps launching missiles on RAF Akrotiri in Cyprus or the Mall of the Emirates in Dubai, a civil servant in a bowler hat will inform them that their actions are directly contrary to the 1949 Geneva Conventions and customary international law.

'This will prove that the UK is doing the maximum it can to maintain the rules-based international order.

'And rest assured that we will eventually get round to sending HMS Puff, just as soon as it has stopped playing with strings and sealing wax and other fancy stuff.'

The Royal Navy has two other, almost functioning, ships in its fleet: HMS Chatbot and HMS Drooler (formerly HMS Duke of York).

Starmer makes a dis statement outside Number 10

The UK Prime Minister, wearing some clip-on sunglasses fixed over his spectacles, read out a carefully crafted dis.

“'n response to The Notorious DJTs recent comments about us not helping them with an illegal war, I will quote what he said recently about our troops in Afghanistan, we’d only just end up staying a little back, a little off the front lines, so why should we bother? Remember, we’re not dealing with a Roosevelt here.'

He carefully placed the mic on the floor and strolled away from the podium, whilst Trump exploded the UK economy behind him.

Trump explains why he picked on Iran

'I chose to bomb Iran, rather than anywhere else on the planet, since its name strikes a real chord with me,' Trump told the drone fleet in the White House press corps.

'That's because I ran away from military service in Vietnam, and I ran away from my creditors in Atlantic City.

'Also, I ran away from the Epstein investigation by gratuitously starting this war.

'The next place I'll be bombing is Havana.

'That's because I've been Havana great time throwing my weight about as US Fuhrer... I mean, president.'