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Voters of Clacton to decide whether climate change is real


As the UK swelters in the third heatwave of the summer, it was announced today that the people of Clacton in Essex will be given the chance to rule on whether climate change is a real thing or “just an establishment stitch-up”.


“Yes, these things were once decided by scientists with qualifications,” said spokesman Dave Concrete of the Reform Party, which organised the poll. “Just as you might, say, get forensic accountants to go through a politician’s finances to determine whether he’s corrupt.


“But we all know ‘expert’ is just another word for ‘the establishment’, and it’s time the issue was put to the people instead.”


Early indications are that Clactonians haven’t quite understood the question, instead telling pollsters that the weather was “gawjus” and they might have an ice cream.


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Trump declares ceasefire with Belgium is over


Belgium brought this on themselves," ranted Trump at a NATO meeting in Ankara. "They broke the Memorandum of Understanding whereby if they knocked the US out of the World Cup, we'd bomb the hell out of them.


"And even if they didn't understand this at the time, they sure as hell will when half of Brussels is in ruins.


"I can't deal with them any more, they're scum," declared America's convicted criminal, scumbag president.


"Just give me time to get across the other side of the Atlantic before the bombing starts," draft dodger Trump continued. "War zones play hell with my bone spurs."


image from Grok


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President Trump awakes from nap to rage against corruption at the world soccer jamboree


Donald Trump today raged against corruption at the bigly soccer jamboree after waking from an unscheduled nap to the news that USA had been thrashed by Belgium after the reinstatement of a banned player.


After having his nappy changed and being reminded that the reinstated player was the star player of the USA, Trump called a press conference in which he said 


' I call for this match to be declared void, and victory be awarded to the United States team. Not only did a banned player play, but the foreign players from France or Belgium or whatever shitty country it was that  would be speaking German if if it wasn't for us, had the nerve to mock me.


The hostility toward me is uncalled for. Yes, I phoned Infantino. Great name Infantino, don't you think? I may claim it as my own. Infantino. Wonderful. Yes, I did call my friend Gianni, but I actually pointed out that Balogun played at youth level for England and now plays in the French league and deserved to be sent off. He was terrible in the game he should have been banned for. Terrible.


He may well be detained when attempting to leave the USA to return to France. Belgium won because a banned player took to the field in our colours and planted himself like a tree. He cheated against Bosnia AND Hurtyvagina, and then cheated us. That's 3 cheats, you know. Who can cheat three times and go unpunished? No. He has to face the consequences. All three host nations are now out. That's real bad business. Not the best, you know. I know business better than anyone.'


image from Grok


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