Hannah Spencer sucks teeth and mutters, 'Which cowboy was in here before me?'

'Whoever did this… Christ on a bike…. this is taking the piss to be honest. I’d say the whole lot has to come out and skipped. Obviously, I can’t do it this weekend, I’ve got a lot on. Might take a while to get it working properly, and we’ve got all these environmental considerations to look at. Look at this setup, how many U-bends, dear oh dear oh dear.

Milk, two sugars and Labour's tears please.

You’ve got leaks everywhere; you need more than some damp rag to fix all this. It’s gonna cost ya, not gonna lie about that. Someone has tried a complete Reform, and it has not gone well at all. Not well at all, pal.

Listen, what’s that, some drip somewhere? Whoever caused that leak should be arrested. As bad as treason that.

Anyway, I’ll get back to you with a cost and don’t expect immediate sunshine and rainbows, it’s Manchester after all.'

Image: geralt - Pixabay

Poor Peter's the victim in all this, say Mandelson's lawyers

'The Metropolitan Police only arrested our client because they thought he was a flight risk,' whined Mandelson's legal team from Sue, Grabbit and Scarper in a statement, 'and it wasn't at all to do with the copious evidence that he had committed misconduct in public office.

'When detectives saw Lord Peter in his local library looking at a list of countries without extradition treaties with the UK, they should have known he was only planning to take off for a winter break with all his money.

'Lord Peter says that this means it's the police who are in the wrong, and not him.

'Peter is a thoroughly innocent and misunderstood spin doctor who has managed to twist a story to his own advantage - yet again - and he now wants to fly down to the British Virgin Islands to forget all about this regrettable affair, taking a pile of incriminating evidence with him.'

At press time, Mandelson's lawyers were demanding a hand written note of apology from the Metropolitan Police commissioner for wrongful arrest and £100,000 compensation for hurt feelings.

'We'll do the note but we won't give him the money,' said a Met Police spokes-swine off the record.

'That's because Mandelson doesn't actually have any human feelings. He was born in a test tube at Porton Down.'

Image: WixAI

Andrew to stand as Reform UK by-election candidate

'Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor is an arrogant, obnoxious, feckless, ignorant failure who has a gripe against the world,' said a spokes-skunk for Reform UK.

'We're asking ourselves why we never spotted before how perfectly he'd fit into our party.

'Like Zahawi, Dorries and the rest of the flotsam which has washed up with us, Andrew has done sod all good for anyone in his life, and blames everyone from the government to the media for bringing him down when he is entirely the author of his own misfortunes.

'This is why we're putting up Andrew forthwith as Reform UK candidate in the Gorton and Denton by-election next Thursday.

'He'll be electoral catnip for the tens of thousands of voters in the constituency who are themselves ill-educated, disagreeable, irresponsible, self-destructive failures eaten up by resentment.

Why shouldn't people like that be represented in Parliament by one of their own kind? They are also human,' said the spokes-swine.

'Well, sort of human.'

Image: Wix AI