Mars launches mission to Earth

Mars is expected to launch its Earth II space probe in the next few days sending four life-forms to the Moon where it hopes to establish a permanent lunar base once planning permission is sorted.

The ultimate aim is to use a Martian presence on the Moon to launch an ambitious mission to Earth where Mars believes there may be life, apart from the region known as Crawley.

A trip to Earth presents many obstacles for the Martian life forms. Chief among them is the weather. On Mars the temperature is a steady minus 80-degrees Fahrenheit. It is nippy. But at least you can rely on it. On Earth, the Martians are going to have to put up with a high degree of unpredictability. Some places are hot and dry; in others it’s tipping it down. This will affect what clothes they bring, with most experts saying they’ll have to prepare for all eventualities. As NASA likes to put it “four seasons in one day”.

Whatever the weather it’s a crowded launch schedule across the universe, with Easter coming and the ongoing disturbances in the Gulf. By coincidence, Earth is launching its Moon probe Artemis II on 1 April (was this a good idea, commentators have asked), and in a nice gesture Artemis will carry parking permits, both half-day and whole day, for a celestial handover of friendship in case the two craft meet.

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BBC “will panic much sooner” next time

Following the news that BBC bosses were aware of allegations against Radio 2 DJ Scott Mills long before they acted, the BBC has issued a statement promising they will “panic much sooner” next time.

Mills’ case follows those of Huw Edwards, Gregg Wallace, Rolf Harris, Jimmy Savile and pretty much any presenter you see on Top of the Pops 2.

In future, the BBC says it will throw the individual concerned under the bus the moment they hear the flimsiest allegation against them, without waiting for any further details, let alone evidence.

However Jim Davies, who worked at Broadcasting House for 20 years until being fired this morning, suggests they have perhaps gone too far the other way.

”All I did was forget to pay my gas bill until they sent a reminder,” said the bemused electrician. “It wasn’t even a final demand. But the Beeb said in the light of recent events, they ‘just couldn’t take any chances’.

”Mind you, it’s a relief in a way. I thought for a minute they’d found out I’ve been hanging around outside primary schools wearing nothing but a raincoat.”

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BBC praised for dragging alleged historical sex offences into 21st century

A BBC spokes-apologist said 'Like unnecessarily harrowing public information films, historic sex offences used to take place in the 1970s. However time has passed and you are old. Bands that were played unironically on Radio 1 are now being played unironically on Radio 2. Similarly, DJs that were sex criminals working at Radio 1 have now become sex criminals working at Radio 2. You may not like it, but like S Club 7, historical sex crimes can now have taken place in the 2000s.'

Elsewhere, one veteran BBC DJ, has complained that he was ostracised for years and labelled a 'sicko' and 'disgusting' by colleagues, as he never sexually assaulted a minor and was in a loving, committed relationship with an age appropriate woman.

Waving a lighter in the air, the spokes-apologist began singing 'What a deviant. Anyway, there ain't no party like a historical sex crimes party!'

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