Labour's sunny weather bad for Britain, says Farage

"So we're having a few days of sunshine, and no doubt Labour will try and take credit for it ahead of the Makerfield by-election," Nigel Farage told reporters, while slapping on Rothmans Factor 50 sunblock.

"But let's just see what Labour's weather looks like in November. Will it still be sunny then? That's the problem. They can't keep their promises.

"And what does all this sunshine in Britain do? It attracts more migrants - attracts them like midges. They think that the weather here isn't as bad as all that and they come in even greater swarms than before. That's what Labour's sunny weather will do to our country.

"Trust me, you're better off with Reform's traditional, British-style drizzle. It's the kind of weather which not that many people want to come and live in, and it makes millions of the natives grumpy enough to vote for curmudgeons like me."

Nigel Farage is 49 degrees Fahrenheit with a 100% chance of precipitation.

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Academy schools sponsored by Organised Crime groups

The Department for Education has discovered that at least six Academy schools are sponsored by companies that are believed to be fronts for organised crime gangs.

Supply teachers and ‘careers advisors’ single out vulnerable students for work experience in illegal gambling, gun running, drug distribution and prostitution.  Students who do well are rewarded with doubles who take their exams for them, and may finish school with better qualifications than their peers – on paper at least.  Exceptional students may also have their driving tests taken for them, and in some cases get to go on all-expenses-paid school trips to Colombia or Mexico.

‘Our suspicions were aroused by some excellent academic achievements at Academy schools in deprived areas,’ said a spokesman, who wanted to remain anonymous. 'And these schools also had excellent results in getting students into jobs.

‘We had asked our experts were looking for examples of high performing schools, so that they could identify best practice and share it with other schools.  Unfortunately, one after another, these experts disappeared and have not been heard of since.  We are particularly concerned about one professional who was reviewing some excellent performance in Building and Construction exams.  When we tried to track him down, the school told us that there was no concrete evidence that he’d been abducted. and that our fears were ‘without foundation’.

The Department is currently considering whether to close down the schools that are involved, or – given the excellent exam results– to roll out the model more widely.

image from Google Gemini

Literally no one surprised as Reform councillor sacked

An expedition into the remote Amazon jungle has failed to discover anyone who was surprised by the news that a newly elected Reform councillor has been sacked for past racist tweets.

After several weeks in which they didn’t encounter a human soul, the expedition were surprised to come across a village of tribespeople who appeared to have had no contact at all with the outside world.

However, the village headman Guaraná confirmed that none of them had been at all surprised by the news that Glenn Gibbins once posted that Nigerians should be melted down to fill potholes.

“What an absolute cockwomble,” Guaraná continued. “I mean, I don’t even know what a Nigerian is - or a pothole - and even I know only a complete twatbadger would say that.”

A spokesman for Reform said the occasional hiccup like this was inevitable in such a fast-growing party.

“There just hasn’t been time to vet such a huge number of new candidates to check if they’re racist Neanderthals,” he explained. “Which of course they mostly are, since they want to join Reform.”

A primitive, Stone Age people who haven’t yet discovered fire or the wheel, Reform now has one and a half thousand councillors across England and Wales.

image by Google Gemini