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Britain needs more Keir Starmer, not less


Addressing the nation the beleaguered PM insisted that he was popular, we just haven't got to know him yet. His failures help to challenge us in a healthy and necessary way. Friendship, after all, cannot flourish unless one party bravely endures the other without encouragement. One day we will thank him for staying.


The seismic collapse of the Labour vote is proof positive that his vision is working. His spokeswoman explained, 'Voters have a wonderfully strong reaction to Sir Keir, we just need to make it a positive one.' There are signs that he is winning people over…certainly their tight smiles and evasive body language show they have learnt a great deal—probably about resilience.


'If you think you hate him now, wait until you get to know him.'



Image credit: NB archive

Those Reform policies in full


With Reform gaining so many seats in the local council elections, we present a guide to the Reform policies that we can all expect to benefit from in the coming months and years.


  1. The capital of England to be moved to Thurrock, where the Wetherspoons will become the new Houses of Parliament

  2. White vans to be exempted from road tax, and homes from council tax if they fly the Cross of St George

  3. ID cards to be scrapped and replaced with signet rings containing biometric information, with supplementary information recorded in neck tattoos if necessary

  4. All restaurants serving poncy foreign muck to be shut down, to replaced by places serving proper English food like McDonald's, curry and pizza (and maybe the occasional chinky)

  5. All other breeds of dog to be phased out in favour of pit bulls and XL bullies

  6. The new national anthem “Arise, glorious gammon” to be played last thing every night on the BBBC (Beautiful British Broadcasting Corporation)

  7. Al Murray to admit he really is the Pub Landlord, and it’s not just a satirical character

  8. Broadmoor to be closed and the most dangerous psychopaths given jobs with the UK Border Force

  9. History lessons to only include wars we won (and the 1966 World Cup)

  10. The school-leaving age to be lowered to 12, and made compulsory

  11. Walking without knuckles touching the ground to be made illegal

  12. Compulsory repatriation of all effnics, except for one or two we’ll give prominent jobs in the party so they can’t say we’re racist. Actually, make that just one.


In unrelated news, the UN Council on Refugees has announced new guidelines for Brits seeking asylum who have a well-founded fear that if they go home, they may die of embarrassment.



Hat tip to deskpilot


Image credit: from the NB archive

Surprise move by Iran


In an unexpected development in the US- Iran stand off, Iran has drained the Strait of Hormuz. Shortly before dawn millions of Iranians ran into the water, filled buckets and bottles and ran back to shore.


Many large ships are now touching the bottom of the Strait, risking their hulls and cargoes, and frustrating America's largely imaginary Operation Freedom.


Iran says that it has put the water in a safe place, where the pig-dog capitalist idiots will never find it, adding that it's not with their Uranium, so don't get any ideas. If the US attacks the stored water, Iran is threatening to put it 'beyond use'.


The US is considering how to respond. Donald Trump is believed to favour restocking the Strait by flying in dehydrated water, and is again calling on 'lily-livered NATO' to show some balls and get involved.



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