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Leavitt out

White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt has announced that she is stepping away from the role in order to spend more time lying to her family. Her office released the following statement:


‘I am incredibly grateful to President Trump for granting me so many extraordinary opportunities to lie to so many people. I have loved working in the West Wing and spending countless hours in the Oval Office, flying around the world and meeting foreign leaders, and traveling across our beautiful country and meeting Americans from all walks of life. And lying to all of them.


Most of all, I am thankful to the President for entrusting me with the distinct privilege of lying on his behalf at the White House podium. I have lied with great pride about the disastrous accomplishments of this Administration, and I have relished lying to the liberal media in order to ensure the American people hear our carefully curated lies about President Trump’s failures.


Being a mother and welcoming a new baby while lying my way through one of the most demanding jobs in the world has been the most rewarding yet challenging season of my life, to say the least. Whoops, sorry, I may have accidentally been truthful about myself there, apologies.


If I had a heart, I may have felt in it that I could not be the mother that my two young children deserve while devoting the time, energy and lies required of the White House Press Secretary. But I’m going to say that is why I have ultimately made the bittersweet decision to depart the White House and embark on a new chapter of lies in my life. And it has nothing to do with not wanting to be associated with President Trump’s declining, sorry soaring, popularity.


President Trump has asked me to continue lying as a top advisor to him on the outside, and I will always remain a vocal liar for MAGA and the Republican Party.


And to demonstrate that my ability to lie remains as strong as ever, let me say goodbye and, with a straight face, give a message to all of my fellow Americans: I love you all.’




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Burnham promises hot weather for everyone

In a bold policy announcement the new PM said he would guarantee hose pipe bans for 23 million people. As he toured Britain he claimed that he would ensure no rain for even the poorest and that amber heat-warnings would be made affordable for all. Opposition leaders countered by saying he was just taking credit for things already happening, while the Green Party suggested that 35C might not be good — but who listens to them anyway.


Sceptics had suggested that the extreme weather was due to decades of climate change, but Burnham insisted that it was his bold vision that was setting the nation alight — literally. A spokeswoman said, ‘Too long have we suffered with full reservoirs and a lack of skin cancer, but thanks to Andy the UK will soon become a world leader.’


Only Labour would ensure an uncomfortable night’s sleep, she explained, ‘Yes, the National Farmers Union are warning of food shortages, but look—at least the drought is giving potatoes a chance to become instant crisps.’ Meanwhile the PM said it was his plan all along to make the bikini the national dress and boost the aircon sector. ‘Everyone’s laundry dries so fast it’s basically solar powered ironing’.




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With 34 candidates, Clacton voters complain of 'Far too much democracy'

'It's so confusing' complained 104-year-old Ethel Filliblanket 'I always usually used to vote for those nice Whig people. I wonder what happened to them?' 'No, I prefer to waste my vote by voting Liberal' said her young friend, Gladys Carrot, 98, 'But I haven't heard anything from them this time. I do hope they're all right.'


'I'm gonna vote for the prime minister, Andy Binman, the one with the glasses.  No, not that other one, Keir Starbin, although the glasses are identical' claimed Kevin Doorstop.  'But there are too many bins, really.  What day are we supposed to be voting them out?  Is it the Green Bin Party this week, or the Black Bin Party?  Are they allowed to have a Black Bin Party nowadays - isn't that discrimination?'


'Look, it's perfectly simple' said retired Field-Marshal Admiral Coriolanus Corncrunch-Croddlethorne 'With a name like mine, you don't have any choice in the matter. You just have to vote for the Nasty Wicked Evil Party, obviously. Except I can't find them anywhere on the list, so I don't know which is best - to vote for the Even Nastier, More Wicked-and-Evil Reformatory Party, or the Completely Nasty, Utterly Wicked and Absolutely Evil Restoration Party.  Actually, that last lot sound quite good.  Everyone enjoys a good comedy!'


The latest opinion polls suggests that it's likely to be a landslide win for the People's Democratic Popular Monster Raving Loony Binface Resurrect-Britain Front.  Unless some other candidate gets more votes, of course.  And, suggests our NewsBiscuit correspondent, 'That's assuming that, in this furnace-like heat, anyone can be arsed to trudge all the way down to the polling station, read all the way though through the tedious, long list of sad twats who are standing for election, eventually choose one of them, then tick the box, and somehow manage to fold it up and cram all of it into the ballot box.'


'Heaven help the poor sods who'll have to spend weeks counting all this crap.  Imagine the never-ending confusion and chaos if we had some damn-silly Proportional Representation system - half the voters would have a nervous breakdown.  Let's just hope they eventually manage to actually complete the count before Clacton's next by-election in a week or two.'




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