FIFA announces USA has won the World Cup

In a move that has the football world in a spin, Gianni Infantino declared last night the remaining two week schedule of World Cup matches has been scrapped and that the trophy will be presented to Donald Trump who will receive it in part on behalf of the US team but really mostly for himself. 

Infantino told the media: 'It will give me great pleasure to present the cup to President Trump, who as we all know, is the undisputed greatest world leader ever to have lived. He has worked so exceptionally hard for this well deserved victory. He told me this when he telephoned last night for the tenth time.'

Speaking to a sofa full of grovelling Fox so-called serious journalist at breakfast, Trump said. 'I'm glad FIFA has seen sense and righted what was a terrible wrong. One were the greatest footballing nation in the world, that's America by the way, was being expected to have to play more games before we got given the cup. This is a much better solution. And when I finally get the trophy awarded to me, next week in a big, beautiful and spectacular ceremony in the now concreted over Reflecting Pool, I already have a space planned for it among all the other grotesque tat I've dumped in the Oval Office.'

image from Grok

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Trump promotes Crypto-Diapers

A spokesman for the President said today that the president 'is proud to promote Trump Crypto-Diapers, they're bigly good for sh!t that stinks and act as diapers as well'.  

Trump has been criticised for his meme coins and other crypto endeavours, although as he has gained (allegedly) $1.2B from them while his supporters, who bought them (allegedly) lost a similar amount to the exact penny suggests someone in the administration knows what they're doing - screwing MAGA, for starters,

'I said I don't need diapers,' the President is alleged to have said, 'but they told me that wearing them would encourage other red-blooded Americans to buy Trump Crypto-Diapers.  So I wear them. I don't need them, but it's really convenient to not have to leave an important meeting just because I need a bigly sh!t.  Or disturb my sleep when in an important meeting to have a bigly sh!t,' he said.  When asked who told him to wear them he variously said 'some big boys or a guy in the office' before settling on, 'the one who told me to bomb Iran, invade Greenland and hides my teddy at night unless I sign the Executive Orders he puts under my nose'.

Stephen Miller was unavailable for comment.  Allegedly.

image by Grok

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Keir Starmer's leaving present

As Keir Starmer returns to the back benches, his colleagues in Number 10 have had a whip round for a leaving present.

‘He is difficult to buy for,’ said a twelve-year-old  policy wonk. ‘He’s got all the suits and spectacles that he needs.  He’s not really the type to wear an Arsenal shirt, not even in bed.  He doesn’t seem to enjoy very much at all.

‘Our first thought was to get him an Amazon voucher, but he couldn’t be seen to support Bezos.  Our second idea was a whisky dispenser, but the optics of that didn’t look good.

‘So we finally settled on buying him a bench.  We thought that he could use it in his garden, and he can choose whether to call it the front bench or the back bench.  It could be useful for him to have a little joke to lighten the mood if people visit.

‘The bench represents thoughtfulness, reflection, and repose.  And it represents transparency, because you can see through the slats.  And it’s not going anywhere.  And all his parliamentary colleagues can come and sit on the bench, in much the same way that they all sat on Keir.  Oh, and the bench also reflects the fact that we didn’t have very much to spend. We’ll sort out the full funding package at the next budget. 

'Andy hasn’t chipped in, by the way. Northerners, eh?’

Image credit: deep dream generator (edited)