More Epstein files released to distract from Iran

President Donald Trump is set to release a new tranche of documents from the Epstein files this week to distract the public from the war in Iran, which he initially started to distract the public from the Epstein files.

Despite their incriminating nature, including one image allegedly showing the President floating in Epstein's pool on an inflatable banana, it's hoped the latest release will bump the Middle Eastern blunders off the front pages, at least for a few days.

Speaking from Washington, Democratic senator Cory Booker was far from impressed: 'these looping distractions serve no purpose other than causing mass confusion amongst his loyal MAGA base, which is exactly what he wants.'

But not everyone on the right agrees, as local MAGA member Tyler Burke explained:

'It's the Democrats and the libtards who are confused, not us.

'I, for one, stand behind the bombing of the Epstein Islands to force the Islamic Republic of Venezuela to release the Iranian Files, or whatever it is that's happening.'

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That was a tough round of Gulf, admits Trump

'I thought I'd go for a round in that Persian Gulf,' Trump told a collection of attentive tee pegs.

'But boy, was it hard. Too many water hazards and sand traps. I gave it my best shot - about 15,000 shots with Tomahawk missiles and such like, but I just ended up getting stuck in the rough.

'I guess I'll have to do what I always do when I'm losing - pick up my ball and walk away, saying I won. I'll put it down on my scorecard as twelve under par.

'From now on, I'll be playing closer to home, beating up countries around what I'm calling the Gulf of America. I won against Venezuela with a single stroke. Now I think I'll take few swings against impoverished, defenceless Cuba.

'But I'm never Gulfing in the Middle East again. Those Persian Gulfers play even dirtier than I do.'

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Trump making peace deal with his imaginary Iranian friend

'I've been holding talks with a high level Iranian, the very highest," Donald Trump told worried-looking reporters on the South Lawn of the White House.

'I call him Kebab. He agrees with everything I say, so we'll have a peace deal soon with Iran handing over all its oil and its nuclear fuel and letting me build a casino on the Persian Gulf.

'I'll be calling it the Trump Hormuz, in honour of my great victory there."

Iran has said that in the real world no member of its government has been speaking to Trump.

'It's not unusual for presidents regressing into their second childhood to have imaginary friends,' said a White House spokes-shrink, trying to reassure the press.

'President Trump has a whole load of helpful voices speaking to him from inside his head.

'They told him to bomb Iran. They told him the 2020 election was stolen. They told him to have sex with Stormy Daniels.

'What's that, Mr Trump? Launch a nuclear strike on Tehran? Well, if that's what your friend Mr Trident told you to do, then you must go ahead and do it.'

Donald Trump is 79 nuclear winters old.

Image credit: perchance.org