England's defeat to Argentina in the World Cup semi final means that they must now hand over control of the Falkland Islands to the South Americans. In his last week on the job - and presumably drunk - Keir Starmer suggested a double or quits rematch with the Isle of Wight as collateral, alongside the Isle of Man, the Isle of Dogs and the Isle of Wight again, just to make sure.
During the semi-final itself, England's players misunderstood German manager Thomas Tuchel shouting 'Nein' over and over again, to mean that they should have at least nine men behind the ball at all times.
Meanwhile, in Edinburgh, Cardiff, Belfast and Dublin, plans to deal with the apocalyptic horror of an England men's World Cup win were quietly put back on some now very dusty shelves.
Elsewhere Nigel Farage briefly stopped taking backhanders from shady crypto billionaires to issue a statement accompanied by an AI image of him drinking a pint. Farage praised Jordan Pickford, John Stones, Elliot Anderson, Declan Rice, Anthony Gordon and Harry Kane as English heroes, but criticised Djed Spence, Marc Guehi, Reece James, Jude Bellingham and Morgan Rogers for 'tactical reasons'.
