Trump says White House Christmas tree visible from space

Half the lights on the White House Christmas tree are not working due to federal cutbacks affecting electricity supply. But President Trump still insists the tree is visible from outer space.

'We have a tree,' he told reporters, 'And it is a very fine tree, I’m sure you’ll agree. It’s maybe 3,000-feet tall. In fact, I think it’s the tallest tree that has ever been seen, and you know it’s a beautiful thing this tree, it’s really a beautiful thing.'

Staff at the National Parks Service have said the tree is actually a more modest three metres tall, though this hasn’t prevented the familiar balancing issues. Trump’s aides have had to use bricks – easily available thanks to the work going on next door – to raise first one side, then the other. Trump allegedly observed: 'If that doesn't work, we can always get a couple of migrants from Mexico to lie down at the base until it’s level. Or sleepy Joe, he could do with the rest.'

Further federal cuts introduced by Trump have affected the holiday period itself. The traditional "12days of Christmas" has now been slashed to six, and Christmas Day itself is being declared an ordinary working day, although the president will be spending it at his home in Mar-a-Lago in Florida.

However, some things remain the same. The White House has confirmed the president will once again be playing Secret Santa with President Putin of Russia; the Chinese leader Xi Jinping; the Hungarian leader Viktor Orban; Kim Jong Un of North Korea; and the leader of Saudi Arabia, King Salman bin Abdulaziz Al Saud.

There is an agreed one million-dollar limit for presents and all gifts will be delivered by drone. The drones that were recently sent by Putin to Belgium were a dummy run, though observers say they did much to make the country more interesting.

Meanwhile, the lights that weren’t working have been replaced by candles. Not a good move…

Photo by simon on Unsplash

Andy Burnham's cunning plan

Andy Burnham is undecided whether to become leader of the New Labour Party, the Alternative Labour Party, the Official Labour Party, the Special Labour Party, the Original Labour Party, the National Labour Party, Your Labour Party, the Reformed Labour Party, the Restructured Labour Party, the Re-Configured Labour Party, the Resurrected Labour Party, Not-The-Conservative Labour Party, the Liberal-Labour-Democrat Party or the Real Labour Party.

In response, Sir Keir Starmer issued a statement 'My position on the question of my leadership - and let me be absolutely clear about this - is that there is no question or uncertainty about any doubts there may or may not be about any possibility, now or at any time in the future, that waffle drone something-or-other mumble mumble it's-all-the-fault-of-the-Tories more waffle clear-way-forward mumble mumble path to a brighter future waffle drone.'

(Our correspondent is not entirely confident of the accuracy of his report of the latter part of Sir Keir's statement since he thinks he may have fallen asleep, but he can't really remember whether he actually did or not.)

Mahmood deports Paddington

The Home Secretary made it clear she had zero tolerance for illegal immigrants- particularly the furry variety that $hit in woods. In a TV outburt Shabana Mahmood, accused Paddington of being a bear of military age, determined to come over here and rape our marmalade.

Her aide said. 'I don't care how he got here, small boat or the pen of Michael Bond - that little work-shy Peruvian ba$tard is getting the boot.' This follows the UK adopting Denmark's strident anti-immigration laws, which saw the Little Mermaid pickled and sold as a rollmop.

Initially housed with the Brown family, until Tommy Robinson fired bombed their house, Paddington has been living rough. Mahmood said Paddington's suitcase and hat would be confiscated to cover the cost of his deportation. 'Someone had put a note on him saying 'Please look after this bear' - well f%ck you, Aunt Lucy, you trafficking scum.'

Photo by Alex Stone on Unsplash