DC nursery troubled by disruptive toddler

A Washington DC nursery today held a press conference to try to calm the public after one of its charges, a toddler whose name was given only as 'DJ', threatened to knock down bigly buildings in the City if he wasn't allowed to scribble his name on them in crayon.

'We appreciate that this may cause distress to the residents of Washington DC,' stated Blanche Todd, senior administrator for the nursery.  'However, you know what toddlers are like - they just don't listen to people who know any better and don't respect authority and have tantrums whenever they want to try to get their own way. 

However, rest assured, we will do everything in our power to stop this wanton vandalism of our cultural buildings and have already sent someone to the store to buy small, shiny things that we can use to distract DJ.  But don't worry, we'll do everything in our power so that little Johnny gets to keep his Center.'

image by Grok

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World leaders ‘baffled’ by love for Dolly Parton

The global outpouring of love and respect for Dolly Parton has confused many statesmen. Donald Trump has asked aides whether people will say similar things about him when he passes. He’s still waiting for an answer. It's getting tense now.

Kim Jong Un felt a natural affinity with the diminutive character with unbelievable hair, but continues to search for her instruments of intimidation. How else can you achieve popularity?

Vladimir Putin has ordered an investigation into the Nashville Intelligence Agency’s obvious psy-ops activities, praising the skilful use of a fictional character and advanced disinformation techniques.

NewsBiscuit can reassure world leaders: when your time comes, the line will be even longer than it was for Dolly Parton. And where you’re going, the gallons of piss will vaporise instantly.

image by Grok

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Cap Cap Expected for Northerners

With energy bills set to rise for millions in October as Ofgem increases the energy price cap by 4%, the Government is also expected to announce its widely-anticipated cap cap on Northerners.

From 17th October, there will be a limit for people in the north to own no more than two caps - one to wear during the day and one to wear at night in bed - in the hope that people in the south do not get caught out like last year, when a dearth of hats caused excessive banging of teaspoons against saucers in Royal Tunbridge Wells and the near-cancellation of the Royal Ascot Ladies Day.

Mr Tom Bowler, Minister for Headwear and Protective Coverings, is expected to encourage Northerners to donate any caps that they no longer require to those less fortunate in the south so that they, too, can stay warm in the winter.

'This is a good way that we can protect the environment and use less fossil fuels,' Mr Bowler said, 'so not only are we all able to help the Earth, but we're also saving money, too, by not turning on the heating.  So I urge everyone int' north to donate any unused caps, hats and headwear to us southern jessies, so that we can all be safe and warm this winter.'

image from Google Gemini

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