Trump hands Putin a win-win

Donald Trump’s desperate deal to get diesel prices down is a dismal disaster.  Vladimir Putin can hardly believe his luck.

Donald’s deal is to buy diesel from Russia, to bring down prices in the US and to save the Republicans from mid-term election wipe-out. This is good news for Vlad, as he gets to sell fuel to fund his war machine and because it makes Trump look like a loser. Even better, Donald’s deal hasn’t even touched the price of diesel, which is still going up. This means that Vlad gets a nice high price for the fuel.

Behind the scenes, Putin is turning the screw. ‘As you and your so-called allies have been taking the shadow fleet out of service, you’ll have to come and get the oil. Send as many ships as you like. We’ve got lots of diesel.

‘We could maybe speed things up for you in return for, say, Greenland, and cutting Cuba some slack.  And maybe stop helping Ukraine.  And it wouldn’t cost you anything to tell Europe to eff off again, now would it?  And you could quietly ease off the sanctions too, perhaps?

‘And maybe we could help you to fix your mid-term elections properly, like we do in Russia.  You don’t know what you’re doing, Donald.  It’s sad and pathetic.

‘Anyway, how much diesel would you like to buy today?’

image from Grok

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Netflix to launch Deathflix live execution channel

Netflix has signed a deal with the US government to broadcast all future executions live on a dedicated new channel to be called Deathflix. The executions will take place during Super Bowl weekend to maximise advertising revenue.

“Me and ‘pistol’ Pete [Pete Hegseth, Donald Trump’s Secretary of Carnage] have been discussing this for some time,” President Trump said, “and it’s going be beautiful, really beautiful.”

The first execution will be of former US Army Major Nidal Hasan who is scheduled to be executed by firing squad on 3 December, in time for the selling of execution merch’ in the all-important runup to Christmas.

Meanwhile, Christa Pike, the Tennessee woman who survived death by lethal action, has been declared a saint by Pope Leo and is due to join the Pope on the balcony in St Peter’s Square once he is out of hospital for the removal of traces of disbelief from one of his lungs.

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Tories propose new "sap tax" to fund inheritance tax cut

"The big thing about Kemi is that she really thinks through her genius policy decisions," lied a spokes-Pinnochio for the Conservative Party.

"So we wondered on her behalf how we would make up the revenue lost in removing inheritance tax on homes and we came up with a revolutionary new 'sap tax'.

"This is a tax levied specifically on kind-hearted saps who do things like tip cabbies, hand wallets full of money into the police and fill out tax return forms without inventing a whole load of deductible expenses. Tax collectors would go out and about, collecting information on likely marks.

"The great thing about a sap tax is that the people we're targeting are exactly the type of sheeple who'd pay a new tax without a bleat," said the Tory Party spokes-shearer. "The average Tory, of course, wouldn't be in the frame for it at all."

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