US asks Ukraine for missiles

As the US is burning through its missile stock, with more cruise missiles fired on Iran in three days than supplied to Ukraine in four years, the US has found that specialist weapons can't be generated overnight.

'We've been supplying Ukraine with missiles and now they are building their own. They must have loads now,' said a Pentagon official, 'unless they've been using them,' he added, admitting he 'only reads US news, mainly the sports pages'.

Apparently Europe and the UK have stockpiles of missiles but won't sell them to the US in case 'they decide to attack us next. It's not like they're acting rationally,' said practically everyone in Europe.

Starmer shows Trump how Churchillian he is

Rattled by Donald Trump's jibe that he is "no Churchill", Starmer appeared in the Commons wearing a bowler hat and bowtie and smoking a large cigar.

"We will fight them on the beaches!" growled Sir Keir from the despatch box.

'Subject to the restrictions on military activity in Section 46 of the Coastal Amenities Act, 1972,' he added, inadvertently returning to his default setting of pettifogging, rules-bound lawyer.

Going back to bulldog Churchill mode, he barked out: 'Some chicken! Some neck!' before saying: 'Please don't hurt me, Mr Trump.'

To groans and catcalls from both sides of the House, Sir Keir shouted out desperately: 'Now we are masters of our own destiny!

'And that's why this government will never again dare to refuse a demand from the US presidency," squeaked the latter-day Churchill, "no matter how blitheringly idiotic it might be.'

Hat-tip to lockjaw for the image

USA shows restraint by bombing rather than eating schoolgirl

The latest Gulf War is all about a growth mindset and controlling our Epstein urges. Said a psychologist: 'I'm really proud of the valuable work the US has done, an illegal war of agression is such a step forward from satanic pizza parties.'

One US General boasted: 'Current casualities are ratio of 1 soldier to every 50 girls. We're clearly winning the war on schoolgirls. If we knuckle down Iran will run out of kids, long before we run out of cannon fodder.'

President Trump would normally struggle to keep his hands off this many vulnerable girls, but it's much harder to do under so much rubble. Instead he showed great restraint by killing all of them inatead of fondling them, which Melania said is preferable.