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Keir Starmer Wins BAFTA for Best Actor in U-Turn: The Movie


Hollywood was left stunned last night as world-leading thespian-activist and part-time grey suit mannequin Keir Starmer swept up a BAFTA for Best Actor in 'U-Turn: The Movie', a political thriller praised for its special effects and total disregard for plot consistency.


Gliding down the red carpet with the confidence of a man who has never met a position he couldn’t reconsider, Starmer reportedly asked whether Wunmi Mosaku was 'one of the smaller Chagos Islands,' before advisers gently turned him 180 degrees and pointed him toward the photographers instead.


The film opens with a blizzard of pledges before pivoting into a graceful montage of reversals on winter fuel, WASPI women, grooming gangs and digital IDs –proving once and for all that the only red line is the one being quietly rubbed out.


Critics have called it 'the first political drama filmed entirely in post-production.'


His line, 'These are tough decisions,' already rivals cinema’s greats for emotional ambiguity.


Accepting the award, Starmer thanked 'everyone who believed in change,' before clarifying that by 'change' he meant small coins.


Chagos Islands now part of the Hokey Cokey

'You put the right lease in, the right lease out, in, out and shake it all about,' said a US spokesman for the President today, explaining that the deal depended on the timing of the President's meds and the supply of crayons for his Truth Social posts.


'Sure, the President said it was the best of deals, but he also said it was the worst of deals.  He says if that's good enough for Chuck Dickens, it's good enough for him,' he said, adding that the President hadn't read any of Dickins' works 'obviously.  Who the hell has?'


The government is sticking to its plan to cede Sovereignty of the islands to Mauritius, but might pretend to keep them until the President changes his mind.  Or the Epstein files are fully released unredacted, because this is what it's really all about, right?  



Only fourteen right-wing parties until May elections

With right-wing parties popping up like nobody's business, pollsters are struggling to keep up with the likelihood of any given party garnering enough votes to win a constituency.


'Some of these parties don't have a proper structure in place, for example to depose the leader,' said a leading pollster without indicating whether he thought that was good or bad.  'Most do seem to have secured a decent funding line - from Russia, from Musk - before restricting themselves to donation rules that only fully apply to political parties registered with the electoral commission,' he noted, agreeing that time was running short for them to get registered, recruit sufficient party faithful, vet candidates and print leaflets.


'May isn't that far away,' he noted, speculating that the vetting could be done after the event, 'it seems to work for Reform', he said, adding, 'if it all goes wrong they can just trouser the money they've siphoned from Russia and Musk,' pointing out, 'that also seems to work for Reform.'



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