Queen Victoria's ghost asks ‘Where’s my f*cking Empire gone?

Mediums have described 'agitated' visits by the ghost of Queen Victoria, who is reportedly concerned about Britain’s declining fortunes.

‘She’s very moody’, one mystic told us. ‘At first she was impressed with my iPhone, but when she found out the company is American and the phone was made in China she went quiet and then started effing and jeffing. Thank God she isn’t a poltergeist’.

Another psychic reported a ‘stormy’ discussion with Queen Victoria after seeing a map of the world. ‘Her Majesty asked me, quote “why isn’t it red any more and where the f*ck did f*cking Burma go?” Then she went on about places I’ve never heard of, like Sudan and Rhodesia. It was horrible’.

Queen Victoria was never much fun to be around in life; if anything, death appears to have made her even grumpier. Still, at least she’s only mourning a lost Empire. George Washington’s ghost was on earlier, mourning the lost soul of America. Makes you think.

Have you been visited by a deceased monarch? Maybe Harold moaning about his eye? Or Charles the First, minus his head? If so, please keep it to yourself. Ditto for vegans: we don’t need to know.

Beachcomber Farage delighted with haul of washed up Tories

'I come down here every day to pick up any piece of flotsam lying about which might be of use to me," Nigel Farage told reporters at a press conference on the beach at Clacton, carrying a bucket and a litter-picking stick.

'It's really quite amazing, the stuff you can find washed up on thr shore which was swept overboard from the sinking Tory ship.

'I've found a bedraggled Nadine Dorries and an oil-soaked Lee Anderson, and earlier this year I picked up a semi-comatose Danny Kruger which I've been trying to coax back to life.

'And, just this week, I stumbled across a beachcomber's dream - a 2018 vintage Nadhim Zahawi. I bet you'd forgotten they made those, hadn't you?

'I'm going to scrape the rust off it, hammer out the dents, and try to sell it to you as new.

'And just remember - all these specimens might look like political rejects who were nothing short of a joke when they were in government. But now they're getting hosed down and flogged as the fresh and exciting Reform government of the future.

'Now excuse me while I go and look for a half-drowned Matt Hancock."

Concern as White House orders a world map, a blindfold and darts from Temu

'It's the geopolitical equivalent of pin the tail on the donkey' bemoaned one US general, over the high pitched sound of Donald Trump's giggling. The General sighed and gave the President a lollipop for not soiling himself

The world map - a flat Earth - was of dubious quality, with many countries known by their MAGA names and New Zealand omitted altogether. 

Russia is known as 'Our Good Friend Putin's Russia'. So is Ukraine, Belarus and everything in between Moscow and Berlin. Canada is called North USA. Mexico is South USA, Spain is Old Mexico, Venezuela is Oil USA. Greenland is green, whilst Epstein Island is redacted. Togo is how the President likes his McDonald's order and the UK is called Airstrip One.

A statement from the New Zealand government said 'He doesn't know we exist. Sssssshh.'

Photo by Nikhilesh Boppana on Unsplash