Politics 9/0

Farage resigns as MP again

apepper
Aug 16

Nigel Farage has decided to announce his resignation as an MP, triggering another by-election.

'The establishment, police, fraud office, an ex-wife, everyone who's every worked with me have been out to get me but I've discovered that while I'm standing in a by-election, the kangaroo court comprised of other MPs can't examine my entirely innocent donation, er gift, er security payment from an overseas crypto billionaire so my plan is to spend the time up to the next general election resigning and being re-elected an MP.

'So, vote for me in October, December, February - in fact every three months for the next two years. Clever is not the word.'

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Sudoku editor in bigly trouble

deskpilot
Aug 16

The puzzles editor of the Washington Post is in big trouble after yesterday's Sudoku. Donald Trump has demanded his resignation, MAGA activists have been burning copies of the paper and ICE investigators are checking his family tree for non-American DNA.

The problems were caused because every row of the Sudoku contain the consecutive digits 8-6-4-7, which is taken to be an exhortation to kill the President.

The puzzles editor has defended his position. In a scary meeting with the right-wing press, he suggested that - because a Sudoku only uses the digits 1 to 9 - it was inevitable that this would eventually happen.

The editor gently hinted that some MAGA supporters might be overthinking things a bit, as the sequence 8647 could appear in many places – credit card numbers, licence plates, phone numbers, bank account details. It was important to remember that the sequence of digits was almost always NOT an exhortation to murder.

In unrelated incidents, the top line of yesterday’s cryptic crossword answers read LOSER and TRUMP, the first column read VOTE DEMOCRAT, and the word ladder puzzle challenged readers to change GOLD into SHIT by changing one letter at a time.

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"Come on in - the dividends are lovely" as water shareholders' bonuses set to increase

Chipchase
Aug 15

Britain's water companies have been given the green light to further increase water rates.

One sarcastic householder currently facing eviction for non-payment of utility bills, Ron Perkins from Maidenhead, commented: 'This is brilliant news. Isn't it? I'm so happy on behalf of the shareholders of the companies. I was fearing that despite gouging its customers last year an eye-watering 40% hike in bills, Thames Water was struggling to pay big enough dividends. Looks like they will be still able to ride the gravy train after all. The brass-necked bastards.'

Speaking to the press, a major water company director who obviously hadn't the barefaced cheek to be identified said, 'Do I welcome this news despite my toes curling up even more than Rumpelstiltskin's? Of course I do. I have had my eye on a new Porsche for a while now and if these rises are sanctioned then it's happy days for me. They don't come cheap you know? Will cost at least 2% of my dividend.'

When asked if he didn't feel embarrassed or tin-eared a) over the gross incompetence of his company's performance, and b) the rises being sure to cause the cash-strapped public even more hardship, he added, 'I can get a new Porsche, now. So why the sad face? It's not all bad news.'

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