Politics 9/0

Trump claims that fake knees are a threat to democracy

Sep 26

Knee replacement surgery in the United States is to be controlled by the White House in order to control the proliferation of fake knees. From now on, only knees approved by President Trump will be permitted. Any other knees are considered by the President to be dangerous to the American way of life.

A White House statement explains that the knees approved by President Trump will be great knees, better knees than anyone thought possible, possibly the best knees of all time.

Trump also announced that they will no longer be referred to as artificial knees and from now on are to be called special knees, totally unrelated to anyone with special needs.

The statement added that people having access to fake knees was undesirable as it could lead to them standing up for themselves.

https://pixabay.com/photos/physiotherapy-treatment-legs-knees-5624920/

https://www.newsbiscuit.com/

Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here

A moment of calm for the American media

deskpilot

Sep 25

President Trump is complaining about the media walkout on his social media accounts. But he cannot be seen bitching and whinging on mainstream media after a boycott by the White House press corps.

MS Now led their morning news bulletin with a story about a cat stuck up a tree. Politico went with a special report on the elections in Germany. And CNN highlighted a Dakota man with an interesting collection of cutlery.

A CNN spokesman said, 'We are fully in favour of free speech and we are exercising our right not to talk about the big nothingness, or anything he is connected with. So we ain't covering ________, or __________ and definitely not ____________________.

But, if the opportunity arose, we would definitely run a story about the Epstein Papers.'

https://pixabay.com/photos/anchor-news-technology-television-606885/

https://www.newsbiscuit.com/

Teenagers to be offered new vocational GCSE in forelock tugging

Wrenfoe

Sep 25

The UK has given up education and will now focus on menial low-wage jobs, with students studying Advance Button Pressing and certificates in Lid Removal Technologies. Boasted one student, ‘Last month I mastered yoghurt pots and marker pens, and if I pass my exam I might be allowed to put them back on again.’

Colleges will have an array of bespoke vocational experiences, including a Diploma in Queue Observation, an Award in Chair Alignment and a Level 2 Beverage Transportation (e.g. safely relocating a cup of tea from one side of the office to the other). There will still be academic qualifications like the Level 3 Waste Bin Monitoring leading to a T-Level in Staple Awareness - a two-year programme focused on identifying whether paper has already been stapled.

Said another learner, ‘I can now recognise that cables exist without necessarily knowing what they do, thanks to my Certificate in Cable Appreciation. Combined with my Level 1 Mouse Movement Studies and Award in Filing Things Somewhere I expect to be earning six figures, sometime in 2087.’ The Education Secretary proudly declared, ‘We are training the next generation of industry leaders, with our GCSEs in Important Pen Distribution and Empty Box Relocation.’ And those that fail will transferred to the extended diploma in ‘canon—fodder’ which has a remote campus on the Ukrainian frontline.

https://pixabay.com/photos/graduation-commencement-academic-5030172/

https://www.newsbiscuit.com/

Back to Top