top of page
Search

"Join us, Keir!" say sloths. "The humans don't deserve you"


The South American rainforest-based Kingdom of Three-Toed Sloths has invited Sir Keir Starmer to head up their government.


"Looking around the other world leaders," drawled a spokes-sloth, "we found them just too fast and frantic - always in a hurry to try and fix things with their countries.


"Sir Keir is much more our speed. When the UK's defence chiefs said they desperately needed money right now to re-arm against Russia, he told them they could have a little bit more in two years' time. That's our style! With us, he could have said 300 years. It would take us that long to load a musket.


"Keir is the perfect sloth leader, happy to do nothing more dynamic in his life than to read official papers very deliberately and hold everlasting meetings at which damn all is decided.


"His talent for total inaction is wasted on the citizens of the UK and it's only a matter of time before he sees sense and joins us here at our Amazonian Jungle branch, 100 feet above the ground in Mato Grosso."




Thousands flock to Burnham Man festival in Makerfield


Makerfield became the hottest entertainment spot in Britain as thousands crowded into the Burnham Man festival to vote for Andy the T-Shirt Mannequin and listen to his latest numbers: "Final Chance to Change" and "Hit the Road, Keir".


On the hard right stage, Reform UK's Bob the Plumber sung a sad ballad called "I Got Flushed Down the Toilet".


On the even harder right stage, Restore's Rupert Lowe, reprising his chosen role of human cockroach, entertained no one at all with his thrash metal rant: "Only 3,000 Votes? I'll Get You For This, You Bastards!"


And the BBC's Chris Mason did his ever popular act of stating the blindingly obvious with a monologue entitled: "There Might Be A Labour Leadership Contest, You Know".


Then, to the pensive strains of "Makerfield Of Dreams", festival goers drifted off, having realised that even if he did become PM there was little likelihood that Andy Burnham Man would do the job any better than Starmer.




Trump demands ceasefire between Burnham and Starmer


The President, visibly strained, released a statement urging calm, dignity, and the immediate cessation of Starmer's interpretive eye-rolling since Burnham won the Makerfield by-election. While neither man has formally declared any kind of war, they have stopped exchanging Christmas cards. Burnham agreed in principle to a ceasefire but insisted that it must recognise historic grievances about who has the most coiffured side-parting.


Both parties refused to sit at the same table, instead conducting negotiations via passive-aggressive memes. Burnham escalated tension by unveiling a 47-page document entitled Why I hate Starmer, consisting largely of annotated WhatsApp timestamps. Trump is reluctant to give his support to either side, while JD Vance is said to favour Wes Streeting—as a comic interlude.


The President issued a stern warning about dangerous rhetorical escalation, which both men interpreted as tacit support for using the "C" word. As he convened an emergency summit; both men agree not to refer to each other as "the bland one" for a period of 24 hours. Talks nearly succeeded when both agree on a shared dislike of Trump’s mediation style, but collapsed again when they argue over who wanted to be his poodle more.





bottom of page