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Michael Gove found telling the truth


In a twist nobody expected, former MP, now Lord Michael Gove was found telling the truth.


An interviewer on the BBC was attempting to find out what Gove knew about the fast track PPE contracts, whether the usual checks and balances in procurement had been avoided for any rational reason other than fraud and whether there was any collusion in his department to push contracts to companies without proven skills in PPE which happened to be run by 'chums'.


Lord Gove avoided answering any of these questions, obviously, but when asked if he had visited the House of Lords and he responded he'd voted seventy nine times, which apparently is true.  The interviewer is being treated for shock and is expected to make a full recovery.





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Burnham to increase Tooth Fairy payments




Last night, new heartthrob PM, Andy Burnham revealed plans to level out Tooth Fairy payments to gap-mouthed pre-teens.


"For too long this country has been running a two tier system," he told reporters. "Wealthy children have been receiving much higher payments for their milk teeth than their working class counterparts. It is unfair that this postcode lottery gets a child living below the breadline 50 pence for a tooth, whereas the kids in the nice houses near the park get notes. The Tories should never have privatised this industry and re-nationalisation of the Tooth Fairy will happen during the next Parliament." 


Mr Burnham refused to take questions but did leave journalists with this comment: "And don't even get me started on Father Christmas"


A spokesperson for Tooth Fairy plc said that shareholders would fight any attempt to renationalise the service, adding that "the fairy pays for quality, and pristine, white teeth fetch a lot more on the open market than the brown rotten teeth from the kids who live in the flats."



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Countries rush to name infrastructure after history’s most controversial figures


Following New Zealand’s decision to name one of its new Cook Strait ferries after Captain Cook, governments around the world have begun honouring increasingly awkward historical figures.


Mongolia has unveiled Genghis Khan Maternity Hospital, describing him as “a man who fathered an astonishing number of descendants.”


Germany has denied reports it is opening Adolf Hitler Airport, insisting the leaked plans actually referred to “Terminal Nein.”


Belgium has announced the King Leopold II Children’s Adventure Park, while France is pressing ahead with the Robespierre Head & Neck Clinic.


Officials say the aim is to recognise “the full complexity of history”, adding that plans for Pol Pot Garden Centre and Ivan the Terrible Customer Service Centre are “still under consultation.”



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