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Kids internet ban resurfaces three rings


With the government hell-bent on stopping under sixteen year old children accessing the internet, children are pointing out they use their apps to monitor their friends have returned home safely.


'Apparently I'll need to use my minutes or text allowance to check if Billy got home ok,' said Jimmy, aged eight, 'and I need that to ensure I can call my mum if I'm stuck. So I'm going to use something I found on the internet - apparently people used to dial friends and hang up after three rings. With caller ID that should work and will be free,' he added.


Phone companies are looking into whether they can monetise this, as providing safety for kids isn't on the corporate dashboard.




John Mortimer’s ghost to sue Reform for plagiarism


The ghost of author John Mortimer, best known for his Rumpole of the Bailey novels, is to sue Reform from beyond the grave over their selection of Robert ‘Rob’ Kenyon in Makerfield.


‘Woo, woo’, said Mortimer’s ghost, ‘It’s a straight rip-off of ‘Rumpole and the Bubble Reputation’, woo’.


(Sir John Mortimer has been a ghost since 2009, you’d have thought he’d be better at haunting, but there you go).


NewsBiscuit has read Rumpole and the Bubble Reputation and we can confirm similarities. In the novel, later dramatised for telly (which may be where Nigel came across it, in between adverts for quickie cremations and Secret Nazi Bunkers) Rumpole is hired to do a libel case. He doesn’t do libel cases, they’re outside his range. Halfway through the book he realises that the plaintiff and defendant are in cahoots – and he was selected because they thought he’d lose! That’s the twist.


Did Nigel pick Robert ‘Rob’ Kenyon so he’d lose, and Andy Burnham would make trouble for Sir Keir? Will John Mortimer ever get the hang of haunting? Will Robert ‘Rob’ read the book and change his strategy at the last minute in a thrilling climax? We don’t know, to be honest. Bit of a mystery.


If you’ve been affected by any of the issues in the story – maybe you’re a plumber with a sexist line in banter or a tobacco-stained Russia enthusiast – please phone a hotline. Not ours, they cut us off for non payment. Try the BBC, they’re loaded.




Starmer answers critics


Prime Minister (at the time of writing) Keir Starmer has hit back at critics who say the ban on under 16s using social media is unworkable. Stating that critics have no idea how easy it is for government to monitor online activity of citizens, he laid out the punishments being considered for children who break the new law.


First offenders will be fined two packets of Panini stickers and a vape, with repeat offenders having their houses raided, all computers and phones confiscated, and being declared terrorists.




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