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Sir Jim has mothballed three Ineos chemical plants because he did not anticipate that the cost of gas might go up – during a war with Russia. He is also the same man who forgot to buy a left back for Man Utd, despite Luke Shaw being 67 years old. Ignoring these oversights, Sir Jim has been quick to label the Uk as failing – and this coming from someone who lost to Hull City.


The billionaire insisted that the UK economy was on decline – which is a bit rich coming from someone for who tax avoidance is his bread and butter…although technically the bread and butter probably belonged to someone else. Happy to take subsidies from the British people but reluctant to put in a shift, Sir Jim is one welfare beneficiary who could do with a back to work plan. After consecutive defeats, he keeps banging on about "Project Rebuild" - which consists of changing the training cones from orange to yellow.


His core skill is repeatedly buying the wrong people, putting them in the wrong positions, and then blaming the invisible hand of the market. In reality the economy is generally considered too important to be entrusted to a man whose long-term recovery plan begins ‘hoof it up to Harry Maguire and hope for the best’. If your answer to every crisis is "the lads gave 110%", then eventually someone will question your grasp of maths.





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DNA evidence may say otherwise, but it is clear to anyone with eyes that the reason for their unpopularity is that they carry a unique apologist gene. Both possess the rare ability to appear as though they’re saying ‘sorry’ when clearly they’re not. And both can not see a PR rake without standing on it.


Ed has long career of music collaborations – which is now branching out into regime collaboration. His early demo tapes contain a faint background hum that, when slowed down, resembles Keir saying ‘free the sausages’. Ed’s trainers and Keir’s brogues share a manufacturer, evidence of a genetic fondness for sensible footwear. And mysteriously both men like the exact milk to foam ratio in their latte and the exact 50/50 on how they see genocide.


Ed once dropped a custard cream in a studio; at that precise moment, Keir felt ‘a sudden sense of loss’ and couldn’t explain why. Said one fan, ‘No one can be that unpopular by accident. Keir is the son of a toolmaker and Ed is the son of the tool.’





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The Treasury has confirmed that the State Pension will no longer be paid in cash over the Post Office counter or by bank transfer from next April.


'Neither the Post Office nor the major banks operating in the UK are equipped to handle the volume of money the British pensioner is expected to receive,' said a Treasury spokesman today.  'Obviously not all people over age sixty-six have access to a crypto account, or indeed have a blockchain number, so we're giving them time to get set up for what is looking like the pension bonanza of all time,' he said.  He confirmed pensions would be paid over the Dark Web going forward.  'It only makes sense,' he explained.


Alice, 71, is looking forward to the change.  'I could have used my four wheel shopping trolley once a week to pick the money up, but I'd be worried pushing that amount of cash around.  I haven't worked out how to Sellotape a bitcoin to the grandson's birthday card yet, but I'm sure I will,' she added.


Betty, 78, thinks crypto will revolutionise her twice weekly bingo sessions.  'Big Barry, who runs the bingo, is really up on this type of thing.  He's on Facebook now,' she explained.  'His partner Gail will probably struggle, she's only just stopped using Friends Reunited so I doubt she'll be much help, but Barry does the money anyway,' she said.


Economists have cautiously welcomed the change, but have urged the government to provide better guidance using TV advertising, Teletext and mailing Betamax infomercials to every pension household.


photo: Newsbiscuit Archive


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