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"Come on in - the dividends are lovely" as water shareholders' bonuses set to increase

Britain's water companies have been given the green light to further increase water rates.


One sarcastic householder currently facing eviction for non-payment of utility bills, Ron Perkins from Maidenhead, commented: 'This is brilliant news. Isn't it? I'm so happy on behalf of the shareholders of the companies. I was fearing that despite gouging its customers last year an eye-watering 40% hike in bills, Thames Water was struggling to pay big enough dividends. Looks like they will be still able to ride the gravy train after all. The brass-necked bastards.'


Speaking to the press, a major water company director who obviously hadn't the barefaced cheek to be identified said, 'Do I welcome this news despite my toes curling up even more than Rumpelstiltskin's? Of course I do. I have had my eye on a new Porsche for a while now and if these rises are sanctioned then it's happy days for me. They don't come cheap you know? Will cost at least 2% of my dividend.'


When asked if he didn't feel embarrassed or tin-eared a) over the gross incompetence of his company's performance, and b) the rises being sure to cause the cash-strapped public even more hardship, he added, 'I can get a new Porsche, now. So why the sad face? It's not all bad news.'




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Joke candidate wins Clacton by-election

The Clacton by-election has been won by a comedy caricature who doesn't look human, or have any humanity.


The caricature was developed by Nigel Farage, a millionaire commodities trader, as the mainstay for a satirical show called 'BBC News'.


His long running gag-character, a gilded, thin-skinned kleptocrat alien candidate running for election in a constituency he has never been to, in a country he obviously hates, for a people he wants to ethnically cleanse, has been very popular in Clacton.


"I love his costume made of gold and pound notes, which he defrauded me of in front of my face whilst blaming immigrants', said Phillipa, a Clacton resident, "I fall for it every time."


A spokesperson said: “police advised Farage to hold this election, due to a credible threat against his credit-rating.”


This latest antic comes a decade after his famous 'Brexit' caper, where he fooled over 17m UK voters into thinking they'd be "better off" leaving the EU, humorously costing each of them over £3,000 per year.


In a follow-up stunt he convinced them to elect a novelty persona, an incompetent who spoke entirely in pig-latin, Boris Johnson, as a Prime Minister whose toxic and chaotic response to the Covid outbreak likely caused a hilarious 23,000 excess deaths.


Allegations that he looked surprised at these results have been rejected by Farage, who insisted 'that's just how I look'.




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Met Police to recruit full-time apologist

The Metropolitan Police has advertised for a Professional Apologist to help them keep up with all the cock-ups, racism and murders.


The most recent cock-up was their ‘monitoring’ of double-murderer Simon Levy, who nevertheless managed to murder two women and rape a third while under their scrutiny.


‘Not really our fault, is it?’ said a spokesman. ‘He’s not a serving police officer. I can understand the public being grumpy when it’s an actual Met officer who’s the killer, but we can’t seriously be expected to stop known criminals from murdering people, can we? That’s just what they do’.


It’s quite the dilemma – the Met can either get better at dealing with crime or develop its damage limitation skills. Some officers are unhappy with the plan: ‘It’s one rule for the police and a different one for scrotes’, an officer told us. ‘Every time we do something a little off – murder a civilian, rape somebody, forget to turn up at an incident – we have to apologise. When did you last see an organised crime group spend money on marketing? No, they’re okay just to spend it on high living and bribing coppers. Oh – you’re not recording this, are you?’




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