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With energy bills set to rise for millions in October as Ofgem increases the energy price cap by 4%, the Government is also expected to announce its widely-anticipated cap cap on Northerners.


From 17th October, there will be a limit for people in the north to own no more than two caps - one to wear during the day and one to wear at night in bed - in the hope that people in the south do not get caught out like last year, when a dearth of hats caused excessive banging of teaspoons against saucers in Royal Tunbridge Wells and the near-cancellation of the Royal Ascot Ladies Day.


Mr Tom Bowler, Minister for Headwear and Protective Coverings, is expected to encourage Northerners to donate any caps that they no longer require to those less fortunate in the south so that they, too, can stay warm in the winter.


'This is a good way that we can protect the environment and use less fossil fuels,' Mr Bowler said, 'so not only are we all able to help the Earth, but we're also saving money, too, by not turning on the heating.  So I urge everyone int' north to donate any unused caps, hats and headwear to us southern jessies, so that we can all be safe and warm this winter.'


image from Google Gemini


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With the attention-span of a gold fish on a wurlitzer and the outrage of a content creator in search of clicks, the UK has turned its attention again to Afghanistan – for all of one day. During this sacred period we will fake concern about a mess we contributed to and then completely forget about it, as there is football on the other channel.


Our moral compass has a 24‑hour battery life, and we refuse to charge it overnight. Said one outraged citizen, 'It's appalling the treatment of women, we must do something about- oh, what's that? Look, a video of a raccoon washing grapes. How cute! What was I talking about?'


With all the focus of a caffeinated moth trapped in a disco ball, one newsreader said, 'This is a serious issue - like a gym membership – and just as brief. It's so important that we keep a spotlight on the oppression. And in order to do so, let's watch a clip of a hamster driving a tiny car.'


image by Grok


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Donald Trump moved quickly tonight to deny accusations that his tribute to Dolly Parton is motivated more by attempting to make himself look good rather than any real sense of sadness or grief.


Speaking to reporters at the White House, and wearing a Taylor Swift t-shirt and Clash beanie hat the bonkers buffoon said:


‘I think Dolly was great a great lady. So many songs she’s left behind as her legacy. Just so many. Who can forget tunes like “She loves you,” and “It’s 5 o’clock somewhere”? And what about that time she turned herself into a sheep and lived in a tank of bleach in London. All in the name of research against Covid? China... Chi...nah! Sleepy Joe Biden...”


Trump was hastily led from the room by his nurse while singing Enter Sandman, complaining about a nasty smell and doing a dad dance version of the robot.


image from pixabay


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