NATO to rebrand as Trump NATO

‘NATO is a self-defence organisation and right now NATO needs to defend itself’, a spokesman told NewsBiscuit.

‘As well as rebranding NATO we will award Donald Trump the NATO Medal for Bravery and give him a 5% skim off the top. All nations will need to increase their budgets a little, but at least we won’t be showing Putin our naked arses’.

A spokesman for the White House said that 5% was ‘an insult’ and that he knew where NATO’s wife and children lived, so if NATO didn’t fancy coming home to an ugly wife with a remodelled face it should up the offer to 20% minimum.

Denmark to get custody of Greenland at the weekends

In an attempt to calm the world order, the United States has announced that it will let Denmark have full visitation rights at the weekend, as long as it returns Greenland to the US while it is still light.  'No keeping Greenland out after dark,' insisted a US spokesman, noting that Greenland is dark essentially October to March.

'We will exploit Greenland for its mineral wealth Monday to Friday, then return it for Denmark to clean it up at weekends,' the spokesman added.

President Trump has insisted the takeover of a NATO country isn't really about exploiting its natural wealth but by ensuring the US doesn't have Russia on its border.  When it was mentioned that Alaska borders Russia Trump shrugged and suggested Alaska might be next to be taken over.

Photo by Visit Greenland on Unsplash

Trump declares war on terrier groups across the world

'After capturing Venezuela's chief narco-terrierist and indicting him in the States,' said an increasingly deranged Donald Trump, stroking a Russian Putin cat at his desk in the Oval Office, 'I'm serving notice on the rest of the world's terrier groups that I'll be coming after them, as well.

'They tell me there are a bunch of terreierists over there in Britain, in Yorkshire and Staffordshire and Airedale, so we'll be sending in Delta Force to take over those places.

'And I'm hearing all the time now about Maltese terrierists, so we better do a regime change in Maltesa - as soon as my generals can find that on a map.

'And the CIA is still looking for a place called Pitbull. It sounds familiar.

'What I really want is for there to some terrier groups in Greenland, because I'd sure like an excuse to invade that place.

'That's why I'm ordering the American Kennel Club to breed up some genuine Greeland terrierists immediately.

'Sleepy Joe knew all about these foreign terrier groups, but he never went after them,' the president continued to rant.

'But that's because he wasn't barking.'

Image: Lydia Tan (@purplelydia) | Unsplash Photo Community