'Outside pissing in' and 'inside pissing out' both unacceptable, confirm tents

Tents everywhere have confirmed that people being outside pissing into them, and inside them pissing out, are both really not very good outcomes for them at all. 

'With speculation about potential challenges to Keir Starmer's leadership of the Labour Party over the last few days, people keep asking: 'is it better to be outside the tent pissing in, or inside the tent pissing out?', said a light-blue and grey 6-berth Berghaus tent from its regular storage place in its owner's loft.

'Well, let me tell you, both are f*%king unacceptable,' shouted the Berghaus tent angrily.   

'Have you ANY idea what it feels like to have a stream of warm, cidery-smelling urine cascading onto you at 3 in the morning, when someone cannot be arsed to go the toilet block?', continued the indignant Berghaus tent.

'Getting splashback on your inner or outer canvas are just as bad as each other, I have to be honest. It's still piss. It takes ages to dry, and the long-term staining is undignified and demeaning for any tent. 

'From a practical point of view, I have to raise a genuine question', concluded the Berghaus. 'Andy Burnham or Wes Streeting? Okay, unpleasant as it is, I can visualise them both pissing inwards, slightly left-of- centre or right-of-centre, probably while they robotically recite pledges about what they'd do better than Starmer when they're leader.'  

'But what about Angela Rayner? Is she outside, or inside the tent? And how exactly is she going to direct her harder-left stream of urine outwards or inwards? Maybe she'll be perched on a ladder or something?

'And if Keir Starmer were to stand himself, presumably, he'd just piss all over himself.' 

Image credit: Wix AI

Parliamentary Standards Committee wants to see the gift card

The Parliamentary Standards Committee is investigating the gift of five million pounds to Nigel Farage, before he became an MP.

‘We want to see the card,’ said a pale functionary.  ‘In our view, the nature of the card, and the sentiments expressed in it, are critical to determining if the gift was personal or tantamount to a political donation.

‘For example, if the card says ‘Happy Birthday Nige!  I’ve transferred some birthday money into your Swiss account – go wild!’, then that sounds more personal.  But if the card says ‘Remittance, for services to be rendered in the future, five million quid, please acknowledge safe receipt and provide a VAT invoice’, then it sounds a bit more businessy.

If the card has a cake, or a balloon, or bottles of fizz on it, then again, it seems more of a personal thing.  If the card has a picture of an England flag, or Clacton, or small boats in the channel, then one would construe that as being more political.

It’s entirely possible that Nigel didn’t keep the card. If you receive that sort of money on a regular basis, I imagine that the whole thing becomes a bit mundane.

Image credit: Wix AI (edited)

'Aslan is on the move,' whisper Labour MPs

Labour MPs, led by talking fawn Ed Miliband, are spreading the news that Aslan - the Lion King from across the sea - is coming to save them from calamity.

'It will end the accursed reign of Sir Keir the Boring Semi-Orc,' said one of the Pevensey children on the Labour backbenches.

'For two joyless years, he's been ruling the kingdom of Starmia, which he thought would be a utopia where everything would run perfectly if everyone stuck to the rules.

'His reign hasn't been quite like the permanent winter imposed by the wicked ice witch; it's more like slate grey skies, persistent drizzle and perpetual pay cuts. But we're desperate for Aslan to come and lift the unrelenting dreariness.

No one in Labour is quite certain what shape their saviour 'Aslan' will actually take. He may arrive in the form of Andy Burnham, Angela Rayner or Wes Streeting. But the betting is that Aslan will come down from the north... or at least from north London.

At press time, a terrified Starmer had shut himself inside a wardrobe and was refusing to emerge until everyone promises to stop voting for his arch-enemies, poison toad Farage and his rotten army of Reform goblins.