Jenrick just missed his besties

While many are accusing Robert Jenrick of blatant opportunism, a trait almost unheard of (outside of the Tories), the truth is that he is missing his besties.  Politics is a lonely profession, especially when the politician is a c@nt, but Jenrick being Jenrick it seems he has issues with forming bonds outside of planning permission scams, allegedly.

He misses Mad Nad dearly, obviously, and who wouldn't want to meet up with Johnathan Gullis and Andrea Jenkins?  Don't be shy.  OK, consider that rhetorical.  And while you're at the bar, don't forget to buy 30p Lee a pint while he explains how anyone not on expenses can survive on a pound a week. Danny Kruger will bring the cakes, obviously, and then, with luck Liz Truss will complete the party by bringing salad components.  Hopefully they will last longer this time.

Don't berate Honest Bob, treat him with sympathy, he's been lonely on the benches.  Unloved and unwanted.  Hopefully good practise for the next few years then.

Ed Davey still posting on X

Ed Davey, the stunt prone leader of the Lib Dems, has been posting in X, formerly Twitter, about the sacking of Robert 'how do printers work?' Jenrick.

Many commentators are surprised by Ed Davey's position. 'X is pretty toxic these days,' said a known pervert. 'If you're still using X, then everyone will think you're using Grok to make nude pictures, or kiddie porn, or worse. There's no point in posting a serious comment on X any more. Ed Davey has just embarrassed himself.

What next? Posting the manifesto on MySpace?

Queen Victoria's ghost asks ‘Where’s my f*cking Empire gone?

Mediums have described 'agitated' visits by the ghost of Queen Victoria, who is reportedly concerned about Britain’s declining fortunes.

‘She’s very moody’, one mystic told us. ‘At first she was impressed with my iPhone, but when she found out the company is American and the phone was made in China she went quiet and then started effing and jeffing. Thank God she isn’t a poltergeist’.

Another psychic reported a ‘stormy’ discussion with Queen Victoria after seeing a map of the world. ‘Her Majesty asked me, quote “why isn’t it red any more and where the f*ck did f*cking Burma go?” Then she went on about places I’ve never heard of, like Sudan and Rhodesia. It was horrible’.

Queen Victoria was never much fun to be around in life; if anything, death appears to have made her even grumpier. Still, at least she’s only mourning a lost Empire. George Washington’s ghost was on earlier, mourning the lost soul of America. Makes you think.

Have you been visited by a deceased monarch? Maybe Harold moaning about his eye? Or Charles the First, minus his head? If so, please keep it to yourself. Ditto for vegans: we don’t need to know.