Trump threatens to bomb Betty's Tea Rooms

Donald Trump has threatened to bomb Betty's Tea Rooms, if it 'gets in the way' of opening the Strait of Hormuz.

The comments, made in a Fox News interview, aired as Iran and the US exchanged fire across the Strait.

'Next week it gets really bad for them,' Trump said. 'We're going to knock out all their kitchens. We're going to knock out all their rooms unless they get to the table and negotiate.'

Human rights chief Volker Turk responded by saying: 'Under international law, deliberately attacking civilians and civilian infrastructure is a war crime.'

'I'll save the kitchens for last, but ultimately, we'll hit them,' Trump said in an interview on Special Report with Bret Baier that aired on Tuesday night. 'Betty's didn't help at all when we went into Iran. They need to step up now.'

Betty's Tea Rooms are found across the UK, and the company says it is neutral in the conflict. However, Trump has accused it of being a front for radical liberal forces that are trying to undermine the West.

Trump posted on his Truth Social network: 'The number one goal is, and always will be, that Iran cannot have, in any way, shape, or form, a nuclear weapon, and Betty's absolutely must never put falafels on the menu.'

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Burnham tops polls after emergency messaging

Andy Burnham’s approval ratings have surged since he masterfully deployed the national emergency alert system. In a stroke of genius the alert told the public to use basic common sense. It instantly framed recent wildfires as the fault of thick members of the public and definitely nothing to do with being poorly prepared or the lack of long-term strategy to address climate change or underfunding the Fire Service.

Critics saying that BBQs have not caused a single recent UK wildfire were told they were missing the point.

Sources close to Number 10 say that the alert system immediately and brilliantly creates a narrative that demonises a fictional segment of the population for bad things.

The Prime Minister's timing was impeccable. Despite being on holiday, the emergency message proved that he is a man of decisive action, painting the government as calm, competent and very much on top of things.

Emboldened, the PM's press secretary told us they are preparing a full suite of further emergency alerts to keep the momentum going.

Upcoming messages will warn citizens not to be so overly dependent on clean running water, not to make themselves ill, especially from swimming in sewage-filled rivers and seas, and not to make unnecessary journeys to join protest marches. Each message will be carefully timed to ensure that people never ask awkward questions about systemic failures, underfunding or imcompetence..

A senior aide, speaking at an industry dinner freebie said: 'Blaming the public is quick, free, and polls extremely well. Having a sensible strategy, or actually doing something, takes years and costs money. This way everyone wins - especially us.'

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Clacton voter refuses to go home

Dorothy Duvet, a voter in Clacton, has refused to leave the polling station where she voted last week.  'I'm not walking all the way home again in this heat,' complained Dorothy, 86.  'I'm just going to wait here until the next by-election.  It took me all afternoon to just read the ballot paper, and that was after I managed to find my reading glasses.'

'I'm exhausted now.  Do you have a glass of water, please?  Then all I need is somewhere to sit quietly, out of the sun and away from the seagulls, after I've been to the ladies'.  I hope that nice garage man won the election.  I couldn't really see what that bin man looked like - he might have been a foreigner.'

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