‘Over the summer, I have had time to reflect and consider my future. I have decided to stand down as MP for Holborn and St Pancras and hand over to a successor. I did complain about the unnecessary costs of a by-election in Makerfield and an election for a new Manchester mayor, but now I get it. I’m out of here, suckers.
‘It’s been an honour and privilege to serve the constituency, but the job is thankless and underpaid. I didn’t get into politics to deal with the first world problems of entitled nouveau riche arrivistes who only want to score political points rather than dealing with any real world issues. I’ll be glad to get away from them and do something useful for a change. I’m open to offers from any international bodies, except the Board of Peace and FIFA.
“I look back with pride on what I have delivered in Holborn and St Pancras since 2015, including those new litter bins, and my infamous war on dog do.
“I took my Party from the ruins, won an historic landslide election, fixed the economy, cured cancer, got rid of poverty, and eliminated NHS waiting lists. And I cut VAT on summer attractions. These are achievements of which I will always be proud.
‘Finally, I’d like to say a couple of words about Donald Trump.
‘Toss pot.’
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