60% of children walking to school by 2035—the rest should drive themselves

The Government proposes that most kids should make active travel plans, while the others need to pass their driving license sharpish. Guidance includes strapping several lunchboxes to their feet to reach the pedals — the heavier the sandwiches, the safer the braking.

A Minister explained, "We will provide child-friendly routes, by attaching a small bell to the bonnet that rings louder the closer they get to doing something ill-advised. We'll install unnecessary buttons that control nothing, just to prepare them for adulthood, and replace the steering wheel with a large jam tart."

Meanwhile the rest will be on their shanks pony, with daily treks seen as character development— no longer "late," they’ll be "weathered and road-wise". It will foster imagination — because after enough miles, even a perfectly normal hedgerow begins to look like it might be home to a kidnapper or two. "And whether they walk, cycle or drive, they'll still have no hope at the other end."

Image: Pixabay/Toby_Parsons

Oblivion crisis deepens

While the government has worked hard to reduce the amount of foreigners entering the country by boat, plane and bus replacement service, the real problem is the increase in Oblivions.

'Superficially they look like us, speak like us and are seemingly embedded in our culture,' said a government spokesman today, 'but they hunt in packs, taking non-oblivions down every day,' he added.

Oblivions walk around supermarkets, stopping suddenly or turning without notice in front of other shoppers, usually holding a jar of pickles aloft while blocking the aisle with their shopping trolley.  Obviously they fail to realise they have to pay for goods only when the last item has been scanned and even then decide they need to go back and pick up another box of cornflakes, leaving you waiting further.

They drive like they've never seen the Highway Code and take up the entire width of any pavement they find themselves on when walking.  They turn in front of other motorists without warning, as if other cars are in receipt of a motoring Cloak of Invisibility, and park in at least two spaces concurrently.  Given access to a mobility scooter they treat the highway like the pavement.  In fact, they use both surfaces interchangeably, often at the same time.

'We are issuing non-oblivions with a roll of bandage each,' said the spokesman.  'It will be long enough to wrap themselves up in - it seemed to work for the Invisible Man, we're hoping it will work for normal people too,' said the spokesman.  'We recommend wrapping the cars in bandages as well, but obviously the budget won't stretch to that.

Photo by Terry Vlisidis on Unsplash

Starmer: I'll bore all Britain's problems to death

'I urge Labour not to replace me as leader with anyone like Burnham or Streeting until they seriously compare their abilities to solve Britain's problems with my own,' droned Sir Keir.

'I have an amazing talent," he continued to mumble, nasally. "I can sit opposite a hardened teetotaller and talk to them and within two minutes they're wondering whether 10 am is an OK time to start drinking.

'Within ten minutes, they are well and truly comatose.

'That's how I have been able to spend the past two years boring Britain's problems into submission. Rachel from Accounts has given me wonderful assistance in her turgid, uninspired approach to running government finances.

'Your great fear should be that any new leader will come in with a racket and stir all these problems up again, just when they were thinking of wandering off and troubling some other nation, instead.'