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Social media influencers sent to make peace deal with Iran


"We figured that negotiations in Islamabad would go nowhere if left solely in the hands of witless Steve Witkoff and that idiot princeling, Jared Kushner," said a US State Department source.


"That's why we've sent along a team of fake-tanned female TikTok influencers. I mean, why not give it a try? They've all made fortunes peddling snake oil to teenagers. Maybe they can sell a deal to the Iranians which will re-open the Strait of Hormuz."


"Who are we meeting?" asked beauty products influencer Sharon from Basildon, cluelessly. "Some bloke called Mohammad-Bagher Ghalibaf?"


"Crazy name, crazy guy!" interjected bottle-blonde Karen from New Jersey. "I'll start off by selling him this $20.99 beard trimmer and some smashed avocado hair tonic, then he'll be putty in my Gen Z hands."


"We abhor these degenerate Western influencers!" ranted a spokesman for the Islamic Republic. "To us, they are 'sinfluencers'- nothing but a bunch of filthy whores and Jezebels!


"How much do they charge for a night?"




World 'couldn't give a stuff' about Trump anymore


'I know I should care, he's got the nuclear codes, he's a fruitcake, he's destroying world alliances and it's pretty obvious he's manipulating financial markets for himself and his family,' said the leader of a major European country, 'but honestly, I couldn't give a flying f@ck anymore,' he added.


World leaders have come to realise that kow-towing to the Trump administration doesn't insulate their countries from his erratic herky-jerky mood swings.  Bucking him does result in enormous sanctions on products US citizens want or need to buy, making it harder for them.  For the countries impacted as an exporter it is becoming increasingly obvious that there is a queue of relatively stable countries waiting to take the US share, more if you include the relatively unstable but financially flush countries.  'So, no great shakes there,' said another world leader.


Assassination attempts have been discounted as they would probably trip over fake assassination attempts and someone could get hurt. The wrong person, presumably.  Not the person with the nuclear codes.   


'We can't kill him, but we can ignore him,' said a World leader.  'But I suppose we could release these Epstein files that I found on my desk this morning,' he suggested.




Starmer brings back paganism with civil service sacrifices


The Prime Minister is to reintroduce 2,000 year-old pagan religion to Britain and has already started by making the first human sacrifice.


Prime Druid Sir Keir Starmer performed the Celtic-style ritual at the Despatch Box in the Commons on a pleasantly boring civil servant called Sir Olly Robbins.


Starmer wished to appease the gods, having suffered terrible misfortunes after appointing Lord Mandelson as UK ambassador.


"Those gods must have really had it in for High Priest Starmer," said one backbench druid, "because out of the blue they produced this huge file of evidence showing that Mandelson was appalling and that Starmer was an utter twit for giving him another public role."


It's rumoured that several other civil servants have been lined up for the chop and that the sacrifices will continue until Sir Keir has managed to shift the blame for the Mandelson fiasco onto someone else apart from his stupid self.

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