top of page
Search

MPs slam 'disgraced' former leader


MPs have lined up to express their anguish and anger over the fact that Sir Kier Starmer didn’t have a secret life. A recently elected representative (who wished only to be known as ‘AB’) said “I am deeply upset that someone who claimed to be a leader was not a serial womaniser or embezzler. I mean he didn’t have numerous affairs or parked an illegitimately gained camper van outside number 11.


We knew when we elected him that he seemingly didn’t have a dodgy past, had a good employment record outside of politics and wasn’t high in the charisma stakes. Come to think about it this is possibly a factor in us winning a 2024 election landslide and destroying the Tory party.


But that is all it the past. To our dismay we are now finding he is exactly what he purported to be. Boring! His only compulsive hoarding was some pencil sharpeners!! What we need is someone diametrically opposite to lead the Labour party and the nation into the 22nd century!!. Someone like me who is charismatic and err..... this is off the record right? “



Trump vows to repair well-oiled machine


A meticulously-maintained machine is the new target of US President Donald Trump and his mission to make everything better. According to the White House, President Trump will fix the model of reliability so that it’s the most reliable machine ever seen, whereas President Barack HUSSEIN Obama only made the machine operate like clockwork. Under the same policy, clocks that work like clockwork will also be mended.


There is reportedly no need to invite any qualified organisations to bid for the work as President Trump is very familiar with plenty of cowboy outfits through his love of Westerns. And the price will be the best price, to be negotiated personally by Trump with no regard to personal gain whatsoever.


When the job is complete, a huge celebration is planned to recognise the achievements. The well-oiled machine which previously operated without a hitch will now be claimed to work even better with a hitch installed. The credit for this will be given to the President who will rightly claim he should be given a prize.


However, should the machine appear to become less reliable, any suggestion that the hitch was unnecessarily introduced will be rigorously denied. Should those rumours persist, the suggestion that the work was sabotaged will be initially floated, then forcefully stated and finally reinforced through threats.


And those who attempt to draw parallels between the well-oiled machine and the American economy or International Relations or the Strait of Hormuz or the Reflecting Pool will be similarly threatened.



Britons warned about new scam


Experts are warning Britons about a sophisticated new scam.


The scam is devastating because the financial consequences are severe for everyone, but the full impact doesn’t become clear until it’s far too late.


‘We’re called it super-bait’n’switch,’ said an infeasibly young so-called scamspert.  ‘We want to tell everyone about it so that they can recognise the signs and avoid getting ripped off.


‘Here’s how the scam works.  Leader A gets elected on an agreed manifesto, that has been debated and agreed beforehand.  As soon as Leader A is in office, there are calls for his or her resignation. Leader A is then switched for Leader B, who says that all of Leader A’s decisions were rubbish and will need to be reversed.  In addition, Leader B promotes new policies, not in the manifesto, claiming that they are the ‘only way to save the country’.  Needless to say, the upheaval and the changes cost the country a fortune, and citizens foot the bill – either through higher taxes, reduced services or both.  This is a particularly cruel scam that impacts hardest on the poorest and most vulnerable.


‘Unfortunately, we are seeing more and more examples of this scam. There are often foreign actors involved – sometimes Russian, sometimes American, sometimes European.  Their influence is powerful, but hard to prove.  Recent examples of the scam include Boris Johnson, Theresa May, Rishi Sunak and Keir Starmer.


‘Our main concern now is that bad actors may successfully combine this new scam with more traditional ones, such as romance scams. That would be terrifying.’



bottom of page