Thousands snap up tickets to see the Burnhameux Tapestry

The Burnhameux Tapestry is shaping up to be the cultural sensation of the year as people in their thousands order tickets to view the masterpiece, which depicts Andy Burnham's historic Northern Conquest.

The tapestry shows how Andy the Conqueror invaded the south of England by train from Manchester Piccadilly and forced Keir Toolmakerson to cede the throne to him.

Several omens foretold Andy's conquest, such as a freak by-election victory for Labour in Makerfield and a decidedly streaky win for England against the footballers of impoverished, war-torn DR Congo.

'It's an amazing story!' gushed BBC Tapestry Editor Chris Mason, amongst a queue of thousands of tapestry buffs queuing for a ticket at the British Museum, 'and it's one which I and my successors will be telling, over and over again for the next thousand years on the television news - so watch out.'

Andy the Conqueror would go on to rule Britain in mediocre fashion for a handful of months before toppling into the financial black hole which Keir Toolmakerson had spitefully dug for him.

England got knocked out in the following round of the World Cup, having been comprehensively outplayed by Mexico's Shambling Chihuahua Puppies XI, and Reform UK won the following general election.   

Image credit: ChatGPT

European leaders have a Trump rota

Giorgia Meloni , the Italian Prime Minister, is having a media spat with Donald Trump about who wanted a selfie. The spat has been raging back and forth for a week or so.

Although the insult trading is mundane - business as usual for Trump - it has revealed that European leaders have a rota for scrapping with the US President.

Keir Starmer confirmed the existence of the rota when he said, 'I can neither confirm nor deny that there is a European Trump tantrum rota.'

Recent run-ins have included spats with Spain about Israel, with Denmark about Greenland, with Narnia about immigration, with Italy about defence, with Britain about windmills, with Ukraine about the war, and with France about marital relationships.

'It's easier to share the pain,' said a tired looking diplomat. 'It's such a waste of time. Trump only does it to impress his dimwitted MAGA supporters. So taking turns makes sense - a better use if our resources.

Next in the rota is rumoured to be the Isle of Wight. They're due to start a run in about technology - winding up Trump because the USA doesn't even have Ceefax.'

Image credit: ChatGPT

MPs slam 'disgraced' former leader

MPs have lined up to express their anguish and anger over the fact that Sir Keir Starmer didn’t have a secret life. A recently elected representative (who wished only to be known as ‘AB’) said, 'I am deeply upset that someone who claimed to be a leader was not a serial womaniser or embezzler. I mean he didn’t have numerous affairs or parked an illegitimately gained motorhome outside number 11.

'We knew when we elected him that he seemingly didn’t have a dodgy past, had a good employment record outside of politics, and wasn’t high in the charisma stakes. Come to think about it, might be a factor in us winning a 2024 election landslide and destroying the Tory party.

'But that is all in the past. To our dismay we are now finding he is exactly what he purported to be. Boring! His only compulsive hoarding was some pencil sharpeners!! What we need is someone diametrically opposite to lead the Labour Party, and the nation, into the 22nd century!! Someone like me who is charismatic and err..... this is off the record right? '

Image credit: ChatGPT (edited)