Politics 9/0

Reform UK introduces donor card scheme

Sep 4

If you believe this, you'll believe anything

Insurgent populist party Reform UK has introduced a revolutionary donor card scheme which it hopes British citizens will carry with them at all times.

The card says: "In the event of me happening to be related to some very rich foreigner, I will allow millions of Bitcoins to be channelled through my bank account into the coffers of Reform UK."

I suppose there is nothing wrong with such a card being printed or carried," said Court of Appeal judge Lord Bufton Tufton, considering an application for the donor card to be banned. "But if we were to find out that Reform was secretly getting money from foreign donors in this way, the law would crack down on the practice as decisively as it is doing now - ie. not at all."

Image: Co-Pilot

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Trump Presidency to get weekly recaps

Sully

Sep 4

‘Followers of American politics have complained that they can’t follow the plot’, a White House spokesman told us. ‘If this was a Netflix drama there would be one major incident per week and they’d still offer a recap. President Trump’s achievements are so many and so wondrous that the American people can’t keep track’.

Trump’s achievements since January include stealing 65 billion barrels of Venezuelan oil, losing a war with Iran, turning the Reflecting Pool into an algae conservation area, having ICE murder a couple of US citizens, cheating at golf (multiple times), shitting his pants (multiple times), falling asleep on camera (multiple times) and threatening to invade – well, everybody.

The only topic which won’t be included in the recap is the Epstein Files. ‘Look, President Trump has already released 5% of the Epstein Files’, the spokesman said. ‘What more do you people want? Jeez, if an old man can’t have a little fun once in a while – what’s the world coming to?’

Image: File:Donald Trump mugshot.jpg - Wikimedia Commons

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Keir Starmer: that resignation statement in full

deskpilot

Sep 2

‘Over the summer, I have had time to reflect and consider my future. I have decided to stand down as MP for Holborn and St Pancras and hand over to a successor. I did complain about the unnecessary costs of a by-election in Makerfield and an election for a new Manchester mayor, but now I get it. I’m out of here, suckers.

‘It’s been an honour and privilege to serve the constituency, but the job is thankless and underpaid. I didn’t get into politics to deal with the first world problems of entitled nouveau riche arrivistes who only want to score political points rather than dealing with any real world issues. I’ll be glad to get away from them and do something useful for a change. I’m open to offers from any international bodies, except the Board of Peace and FIFA.

“I look back with pride on what I have delivered in Holborn and St Pancras since 2015, including those new litter bins, and my infamous war on dog do.

“I took my Party from the ruins, won an historic landslide election, fixed the economy, cured cancer, got rid of poverty, and eliminated NHS waiting lists. And I cut VAT on summer attractions. These are achievements of which I will always be proud.

‘Finally, I’d like to say a couple of words about Donald Trump.

‘Toss pot.’

Image: File:Prime Minister Keir Starmer.jpg - Wikimedia Commons

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