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Operation Got My Ass Whipped


US troops are to escort ships trapped in the Strait of Hormuz to freedom, according to another of those Presidential social media posts. The US President hilariously refers to his bombing campaign against Iran as the 'Middle East dispute', inviting comparison with Putin's Special Military Operation in Ukraine.


Seven US troops have already been disciplined for referring to the exercise as Operation Got My Ass Whipped, instead of its official title of Project Freedom.


The President insists that the not at all unfortunately titled project is the act of a generous and overwhelming victor, and that he is definitely not doing it because there is stuff in the Strait the America needs, like Helium and fertilizer, that he's desperate to get. Or that it's because everyone else is massively pissed off with him for buggering up world trade.


Donald Trump has admitted that his fair-minded and generous act may result in Iran shooting at things again. He believes that the loss of merchant shipping, some cargoes and crew, and the resulting oil slicks, are a small price to pay for freedom. And anyway, he needs to do something more newsworthy than sitting out his frankly rather boring blockade.


Iranian media says that the project is the pathetic act of a bigly bigly loser with small hands, and is unworthy of the recipient of the FIFA Peace Prize.



Starmer to crack down on hate by limiting elections


"The Prime Minister is deeply worried about the rising levels of hatred in Britain," said a party spokes-victim.


"It's coming from people on the left, on the right... everywhere. Everybody is attacking us with blind fury simply because we happen to be Labour politicians.


"Just because we're different to you - being so much more stupid and useless - doesn't mean you should hate us, or go off and vote for Reform UK."


At press time, the Prime minister was wondering whether to limit people's rights to take part in elections, on the grounds that they were often outlets for people to cast hate-fuelled, anti-Starmerist votes.



US troops in Germany glad to be going home



There are 36,000 US troops in Germany and Donald Trump is cutting that number by 5,000.


We spoke to some GIs about the plan.  'It'll be great to get home,' said Dwayne Lydd.  'The beer here tastes awful and not like Bud Lite at all.  Although I must admit that the beer glasses are a good size.  The sausages are not like proper hot dogs, all big and chewy.  I think there's way too much meat on them.  And European mustard is all wrong and too hot.  So it will be good to get home for some proper chow.'


Base commander Todd Perch told us that it was hard to keep 36,000 soldiers occupied.  'There's only so many times you can clean the parade ground with a toothbrush.  And nobody likes German lessons.  And the market for sending BMWs back to the US has crashed since Trump's tariffs. So, to be honest, many of our boys are at a loose end.


'There's no real threat any more.  Putin couldn't get to Kyiv by road, so the chances of the Red Army making it through Belarus and Poland are pretty slim.  And all of his tanks are tied up in Ukraine.  So I think that Germany will be just fine without us. They need some incentive to re-arm, anyway.  Fourth Reich, anyone?'



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