AI creates AP - Artificial Politics

AI is currently busy creating - and funding - new, leaderless political parties. Which is, apparently, OK in the UK provided the AI is based in this country and in not in some nasty foreign place. And apparently AI doesn't (yet) have any offspring, conveniently living here, through which it can channel its resources from other places.

These new leaderless parties include Resurrect Britain, Refurbish Britain, Repair Britain, Re-Style Britain, Re-Model Britain, Replenish Britain, Recondition Britain and Reconstruct Britain. However another new agency, AI (Artificial Investigation) is believed to be currently checking where, how and by whom these new, artificial parties are being artificially funded.

Image: Gábor Szűts (@szutsi) | Unsplash Photo Community

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Palestine Action and Just Stop Oil to copy Dover protest methods

'We're going to ditch the placards, slogans and superglue stunts,' said a pensioner activist, 'and adopt the Dover approach.'

Apparently Doris, 84 and retired, is a dab hand at knitting balaclavas for her grandkids, and Eric, 72, has a mountain of black dye ready to colour dozens of cardigans in the tin bath he uses in front of the fire to bathe in.

'We won't say anything, we'll just march on our Zimmer frames in our black balaclavas and cardis blocking the High Street, disrupting the end of season sales and generally being a silent nuisance. The police can't do anything now a precedent has been set in Dover, and we'll finish off with a sit-in at the bingo hall,' said Eric.

'When I say sit-in, I mean sit down. I can't protest like I used to do,' he added. 'It's my knees.'

Image: WixAI

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Burnham to extend Northern Line to Falkland Islands

To underline the British government's 'unwavering' support for the Falkland Islands, Prime Minister Andy Burnham has announced plans to extend the Northern Line to Port Stanley, the Islands' capital.

'Our support for the Islands is unwavering,' he told the House of Commons. 'And we believe an extension of the Northern Line will act as a symbolic umbilical cord for the people of the Islands making them feel more connected even if they are in Zone 8,337.'

The announcement comes as the Argentine president Javier Milei said the islands were 'historically and legally' Argentinian. 'And we have better wildlife. We have penguins. All you have are those poxy pigeons.'

An international platform and terminal called Las Malvinas (literally 'the bad wine') will be added to the existing Northern Line platform at Morden in southwest London. An adjustment will also be made to the announcements at the complicated Camden interchange in north London. It will now say: 'Your next Goose Green via Bank train will depart from platform 'dos'. Your Charing Cross service to Port Stanley will depart from platform 'tres'. Mind the trade gap.'

The journey is expected to take some 12 hours which, coincidentally, is the average waiting time for a High Barnet service.

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