Trump calls off Tube strikes at last minute

"We were going to carry out massive strikes across the London Underground network, like you'd never believe," messaged Donald Trump on his social media platform Deceit Hostile.

"We were going to use bunker busting bombs on the Bakerloo line and knock it right back to the Stone Age.

"But my generals took one look at the intelligence images of Embankment station and told me it's pretty much in the Stone Age as it is.

"So we'll be holding talks with the unions about enrichment. I'll be telling my minion Starmer to enrich the train drivers as much as they like, with the passengers paying the cost through higher fares. That's always worked in the past.

"People are also saying to me: 'Sir, will you manage to re-open the Strait of Hainault to allow transit through to Theydon Bois and Barking?'

"We'll see, but why not? This whole venture of mine in the Middle East End of London has been totally barking, anyway."

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Mission Accomplished for Starmer, says Burnham

Andy Burnham says that Keir Starmer can leave Number 10 with his head held high.  ‘It is mission accomplished for Keir,’ said Andy in his trademark Mancunian accent.

‘Keir had one job to do, and he did it brilliantly.  His task was to get Labour elected in 2024, and he achieved that with a massive landslide victory.  Great job, Keir.

‘It is not Keir’s fault that he was saddled with an awkward, right of centre Labour manifesto.  That was the price that we all paid to win the election.  So there is no dishonour in failing to deliver the manifesto.  Indeed, not delivering it is probably a good thing.  It’s good of Keir to have taken it so seriously, really.

‘Keir never backed the right people. For example, Streeting?  Mandelson?  Arsenal?

‘Having achieved his mission, it is obviously time for Keir to go.  I’d like to thank him for his service to the country and to the Labour Party.  He maintained the highest standards throughout.  All of his U-turns were very principled U-turns.  That beer and curry was never a breach of Covid rules, and any politician is entitled to free suits and specs.  And I’m sure that Keir would have said no if anyone had tried to bung him five million quid.  As I’m saying that, it does sound an unlikely thing to happen.

‘I will always remember Keir because of the following great joke. What’s the difference between Keir and a broken washing machine? The answer – no difference, neither is going to do anything useful, both are too wet, and neither has any effective spin.

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‘Which is why we’re having a whip round to get Keir a broken washing machine as a leaving present.’

High Street crime unit targets fancy dress shops fronting possible illegal activities

The government has begun an investigative into fancy dress shops run by moustachioed, fez-wearing shopkeepers.

An undercover operative, wearing a black lounge suit and bowler hat, left a house at 52 Festive Road, London, and visited a fancy-dress costume shop where he was invited to try on different outfits. He then left the shop, not by the front door, but through a 'magic' door at the back of the changing room and had adventures appropriate to his costume. When he returned to his normal life, he was often left with a small souvenir believed to be drugs, or an infectious disease. 

Officers would like to question the shop keeper but, as if by magic, he has disappeared.

The unit is also looking into a rental shop, believed to have 'ghost' directors, that is responsible for animal cruelty to a pantomime horse, and be harbouring a Russian national accused of spying named in documents as Miss Nadia Popov.

Image by Grok