Literally no one surprised as Reform councillor sacked

An expedition into the remote Amazon jungle has failed to discover anyone who was surprised by the news that a newly elected Reform councillor has been sacked for past racist tweets.

After several weeks in which they didn’t encounter a human soul, the expedition was surprised to come across a village of tribes people who appeared to have had no contact at all with the outside world.

However, according to village headman Guaraná, none of them had been at all surprised by the news that Glenn Gibbins had once posted that Nigerians should be melted down to fill potholes.

'What an absolute cockwomble,' Guaraná continued. 'I mean, I don’t even know what a Nigerian is - or a pothole - and even I know only a complete twatbadger would say that.'

A spokesman for Reform said the occasional hiccup like this was inevitable in such a fast-growing party.

“There just hasn’t been time to vet such a huge number of new candidates to check if they’re racist Neanderthals,” he explained. 'Which of course they mostly are, since they want to join Reform.'

A primitive, Stone Age people whose technology is limited to flint arrowheads, Reform now has almost one and a half thousand councillors across England and Wales.

Image credit: NB archive

Britain needs more Keir Starmer, not less

Addressing the nation the beleaguered PM insisted that he was popular, we just haven't got to know him yet. His failures help to challenge us in a healthy and necessary way. Friendship, after all, cannot flourish unless one party bravely endures the other without encouragement. One day we will thank him for staying.

The seismic collapse of the Labour vote is proof positive that his vision is working. His spokeswoman explained, 'Voters have a wonderfully strong reaction to Sir Keir, we just need to make it a positive one.' There are signs that he is winning people over…certainly their tight smiles and evasive body language show they have learnt a great deal—probably about resilience.

'If you think you hate him now, wait until you get to know him.'

Image credit: NB archive

Those Reform policies in full

With Reform gaining so many seats in the local council elections, we present a guide to the Reform policies that we can all expect to benefit from in the coming months and years.

1. The capital of England to be moved to Thurrock, where the Wetherspoons will become the new Houses of Parliament

2. White vans to be exempted from road tax, and homes from council tax if they fly the Cross of St George

3. ID cards to be scrapped and replaced with signet rings containing biometric information, with supplementary information recorded in neck tattoos if necessary

4. All restaurants serving poncy foreign muck to be shut down, to replaced by places serving proper English food like McDonald's, curry and pizza (and maybe the occasional chinky)

5. All other breeds of dog to be phased out in favour of pit bulls and XL bullies

6. The new national anthem “Arise, glorious gammon” to be played last thing every night on the BBBC (Beautiful British Broadcasting Corporation)

7. Al Murray to admit he really is the Pub Landlord, and it’s not just a satirical character

8. Broadmoor to be closed and the most dangerous psychopaths given jobs with the UK Border Force

9. History lessons to only include wars we won (and the 1966 World Cup)

10. The school-leaving age to be lowered to 12, and made compulsory

11. Walking without knuckles touching the ground to be made illegal

12. Compulsory repatriation of all effnics, except for one or two we’ll give prominent jobs in the party so they can’t say we’re racist. Actually, make that just one.

In unrelated news, the UN Council on Refugees has announced new guidelines for Brits seeking asylum who have a well-founded fear that if they go home, they may die of embarrassment.

Hat tip to deskpilot

Image credit: from the NB archive