‘Exhausted’ racists forced to work double shifts after data centre attacks

Dave (56) is a proud patriot. Bald, fat and with a history of domestic violence he loves his country. Recent Ukrainian attacks on Russian data centres have left him tired and dispirited.

'In the good old days I just spent a few minutes here and there replying with ‘crying laughing’ emojis to any woke soyboys. There were always enough educated patriots to provide detailed arguments. After the evil Ukrainian attacks I suddenly found myself outnumbered. I think they must have targeted patriots somehow’.

Sally (63) is an embittered housewife. She has recently found herself the centre of attention in her local community for increasingly racist posts which have attracted hundreds of admiring comments. ‘This week’s been awful’, she told reporters. ‘Just critics everywhere. Where have all my fans gone?’

Patriots across Britain have had a trying couple of days trying to keep the comments flowing with little help from 'PatriotDave7855363535'.

It seems Elon Musk has responded to criticism by turning off Starlink to deter Ukraine’s aggression. Can’t let survival get in the way of the business model.

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Reform would suspend governing while in government

Not only will they suspend the asylum system, they said any major policy decisions will be deferred pending the findings of a Royal Commission on Whether Anything Really Needs Doing. This will be followed by the launch of a consultation into the feasibility of launching consultations.

It is alleged that Farage is so workshy, his party plans to release all legislation in draft form and then accidentally leave it in draft form for the duration of his time in office. He will outsource governance to a giant office pinboard covered in Post-it notes marked ‘TBC.’ And his party will introduce a Minister for Urgent Matters, then leave the position vacant-while they spend eighteen months designing an appropriate logo.

Upon entering office, he will immediately begin preparing their memoirs entitled My Courageous Struggle Against Excessive Administrative Activity. He promised to ‘hit the ground running,’ then immediately commission a report into safer alternatives to running. He went on to say that difficult decisions are best made by future generations, who will hopefully be less busy.

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'I miss the Russian bots' says last remaining human on Twitter

X, it turns out, very much marks the spot, as Ukraine has hilariously started bombing some Russian bot farms, with the US mid term elections only weeks away.

Twitter in particular is now a ghost town and whilst its virtual saloon doors swing silently, Elon Musk was seen ordering a lackey to weep on his behalf, into a handkerchief made of million dollar bills and hatred.

Right wing nut jobs now find their racist ravings generate mysteriously little online engagement, particularly from totally legitimate accounts with eagles and American flags on them. These, now quiet, but definitely legitimate accounts own the libs but have usernames that end with a long string of numbers.

Donald Trump posted 'Natalie - it's happened again', adding a poop emoji and a sad face.

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