Iran asks: Is Trump using confusion tactics?

'The US President says he wants peace but is sending 10,000 troops to the war zone,' said a perplexed spokes-skeleton for the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corpse.

'He says he's negotiating with an Iranian leader who calls the shots, but says his interlocutor will be shot if he's caught negotiating with him.

'And Trump says he wants to bomb all our energy plants and be Iran's worst nightmare, but then says he's kindly giving us 10 days before doing it.

'Is he saying all this to confuse us and give us a huge migraine so that we beg him to away?'

A State Department official was quick to clarify the situation, saying: 'This is not a trick. The President is way out of his depth and genuinely has no idea what he's doing.'

'I've even managed to confuse myself,' Trump posted on Truth Social, in a unique moment of honesty.

'I've been wandering around Graceland looking at pictures of Elvis when I could have sworn I was in the war room at Mar-a-Lago launching Tomahawks onto schools.'

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Trump backs down on claim he's omnipotent

'I went into the war against Iran believing the regime's leaders would immediately bend to my will, because I'm omnipotent,' boasted a puffed up Donald Trump.

'Weeks went by and they still weren't 'crying uncle'. They were calling me a demented old fool. But all those Tomahawks and suchlike we fired off showed that I'm potent.

'Now Iran's closed the Strait of Hormuz, and I am totally powerless to get it open again without caving into all of its demands.

'So we'll be whittling those words down to a single word: 'impotent',' admitted Trump, flaccidly.

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The old English tradition of Mandy Thursday

Mandy Thursday, also known as the Festival of St. Peter, has been celebrated in England since 1985, when Peter Mandelson was first appointed to a government post.  That’s right – over 40 years ago!  Mandy comes from the Latin word mandatum, meaning give me all your money.

The Holy day is usually celebrated in London by the distribution of Mandy Money.  Originally, Mandy Money was given out as special coins by the monarch, but more recently Mandy Money has been handed out as special payments by the government.  Over the years Mandy Money has been given out for many things, taken many forms, including bonuses, pay rises, redundancy payments, travel costs, promotions, bonuses, severance payments, expenses, and so forth.  In similar fashion, the amount of Mandy Money was originally to be determined by the monarch, but the current arrangements are that the recipient determines the amount for himself.  On the most important occasions Mandy Money is handed over in a ceremonial brown paper envelope.

In recent years the Mandy Money tradition has fallen into disrepute because of negative associations with the convicted paedophile, Jeffrey Epstein.

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