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Sky News Helicopter Cheaper Than Train Fare


Critics of Sky News's decision follow Andy Burnham's so-called "coronation procession" from Manchester to London on the West Coast Main Line with a helicopter have backed down after the channel pointed out that chartering the rotor-craft cost less than buying two walk-up singles for the 10.55 departure from Manchester Piccadilly. 


"Of course we wanted to be on the train," said correspondent Bea Ching. "We felt the public needed to know important things: is he a latte or cappuccino PM in waiting, can he do the Sudoku before the inevitable wait at Crewe? Problem was, we got to the Avanti Desk and they wanted so much for an on-the-day first class ticket that we just thought 'sod it' and dangled the camera out a helicopter window instead. It felt a bit like Treasure Hunt, with Beth Rigby as Wincey Willis back in the studio."


The channel has promised that further coverage of the change in Labour Leader will be more cost-effective, telling us, "We've contacted Martin Lewis, and he's said if we buy the tickets on a full moon in a month with five Saturdays, promise to spin round three times at Watford Junction, and only have the Rich Tea biscuits, we can save over three quid on the return journey when Andy goes back to Manchester on Friday to resign as Mayor."



Calls for Burnham to Quit


After a disastrous first 14 minutes as Prime Minister (Designate) voices within the Labour Party are beginning to say that it may be time for Andy Burnham to go.


The last quarter (of an hour), in which very little actual change has been perceived in the country, has seen his poll ratings flatline, and the sense that 'Britain is broken' lingers with the electorate.


In all this time as leader (designate) he has only made two public statements, and none of these have addressed the fundamental problems in the country, problems which are fundamentally part of the everyday lives of the fundamental voters.


Unless Burham can reverse this swing against him, he faces an increasingly uphill battle to rally MPs and win over public opinion.


Several names have been mentioned as successors, but as yet no clear favourite has emerged, largely because they are all very poor choices. Each potential candidate has their own obvious personal and professional flaws. So any of them could end up as PM.



Ring bemoans lack of hats being thrown into it


A Westminster based ring has complained about the severe lack of hats being thrown into it, it has been confirmed. 


Ringo Tsar, 35, a 24-inch diameter composite metal ring with silver plating cut a dejected figure outside 10 Downing Street this afternoon, as it became increasingly clear that there were unlikely to be a procession of head-covering objects being thrust in his general direction.


'Times have never been as tough in this game as they are now', noted Tsar sadly. 'When a PM resigns there's usually plenty of hats being thrown in. When Johnson left, there were more hats than you could throw a shitty stick at. Same with Theresa May - it was like that scene in The Thomas Crowne Affair where there are hundreds of Pierce Brosnan's wandering around an art gallery in black bowler hats.'


'Even in 2008, when Tony Blair resigned and Gordon Brown was nailed on more than Jesus on Good Friday, John McDonnell took off his Che Guevara style beret and tossed it into me to generate a bit of a leadership contest', continued Ringo. 


'Not this time, seemingly. Keir Starmer steps down, and its just Andy Burnham, sombrely placing his slightly left of centre, man of the people cap in, and everyone else bloody well steps aside.' 


'To be honest, I might throw my own hat out of myself, or would I throw myself off of any hats I have inside me, I don't know. Anyway, I resign', concluded the ring confusedly. '



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