top of page
Search

Farage blames Restore for “splitting the gammon vote”



Following Andy Burnham’s victory in the Makerfield by-election, Reform leader Nigel Farage has hit out at Restore Britain for “splitting the gammon vote”.


“I know Britain has a lot of irascible boneheads with a vague sense of discontent they’re not intelligent enough to process,” he told reporters today. “But it’s not an infinite number, and we have to beware of Johnny-come-latelies like Restore splitting their vote.


”Frankly, it’s bad enough some of them are still voting Reform-lite... I mean Conservative. I would have thought ‘one of them’ leading the party would be the last straw, but apparently not.”


But the leader of Restore, Rupert Lowe, hit back, saying it was entirely possible to be even madder than Farage, and he and his friends the dancing pink giraffes fully intended to exercise that right. However, he was then outflanked by a new party called Refresh, at which point the next ballot paper risks looking like a list of air fresheners.


For his part, Andy Burnham pointed out that splitting the vote was irrelevant as his tally was more than Reform and Restore put together. “Though to be honest I got that from Diane Abbott, so you’d probably better check it.”




‘Master Race’ regrets choosing representatives from the bargain bin


A spokesman for the Master Race has apologised to the press for some of the race’s recent representatives.


‘Okay, a few of them look like they had difficult births. Some did, to be fair. And yeah, there’s always one at a rally in a weird suit with 1940s hair who looks like his Mum still makes his sandwiches. And none of them can punctuate, spell or use English grammar. But that doesn’t mean they don’t represent Engerland, the greatest race the world has ever seen’.


Master race enthusiasts have launched a recruitment drive to attract members with jobs and teeth, preferably family men who don’t need to dress up as Spider-man because their kids have been taken away. It isn’t going well.


‘There’s a lot of competition’, the spokesman said. ‘The happy ones don’t feel the need to show the world how superior they are, and as for the disillusioned, the embittered, life’s failures – well, the ones who can write go to PE Teacher Training College. That leaves us with – you can see what it leaves us with. A good bunch of lads, ready for a ruck, but not exactly PE teacher material’.


Are you a member of the Master Race? Are you inexplicably free during the working day? Well-balanced and psychologically stable yet enjoy throwing bins at police officers? Maybe you could volunteer at a far-right party in your neighbourhood. PE teachers and other woke intellectuals need not apply.









Trump: Duh! Of course my birthday celebrations were vulgar


"They called the UFC bout at the White House a tacky, shameful desecration of an historic site," said a spokes-savage for President Trump.


"The President's saying: Duh! Of course it was. Why are you not getting this? For eight decades, New York's top rank branded Mr Trump a small-fingered vulgarian with the speaking voice of a sewage worker and the interior decor tastes of a brothel owner. The only fellow billionaire who was ever happy to be seen with him was Jeffrey Epstein.


"Now that Trump's president, he can flaunt all his no-class, plebian crassness right there at the very centre of American power knowing there's not a damned thing New York's smart set can do about it, apart from tut.


At press time, President Trump was launching a fundraiser to turn the Lincoln Bedroom into a massage parlour offering happy endings and the Resolute Desk into a hotdog stand.




bottom of page