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Senior Reform figure Zia Yusuf has expressed his horror at discovering that some people currently in Britain are from abroad.


Specifically, he said he was concerned about Sagal Abdi-Wali, the Somali-born candidate he said was being “foisted” on the people of Holborn by Labour.


His tweet ended “Do you understand what’s happening?”, a question he later elaborated on in discussion with party workers.


“Everywhere you look, you see people who aren’t from here,” he lamented. “And hearing them speaking Polish on the train, like comrade Nigel did, isn’t the worst of it. Some of them even have dark skin.”


He went on to say it was just as bad in Sri Lanka, where his parents are from. “Full of Indians - they really get everywhere, don’t they…”


Meanwhile the people of Holborn and St Pancras decided that they wanted Abdi-Wali as their MP, as she’s done such a good job running Camden council for years, rather than joining Reform to act as window-dressing to allow them to pretend they aren’t what they obviously are.


image from pixabay



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King Charles has paid a six figure sum to clear Andrew's Pizza Express bills for the last twenty years.


Andrew claims that the pizzas were all free, as he was a royal and also a brand ambassador. He says he provided invaluable publicity for the pizza chain as he always used them as his alibi when he couldn't reveal his real location.


A spokesperson claiming to represent Pizza Express said that they were grateful to the king for clearing the delinquent's account and that they had waived £56 which should have been paid to the charity Venice in Peril.


As part of the settlement Andrew has agreed that he is not, and never was, a brand ambassador for Pizza Express and that 'what happens in Woking stays in Woking.'


image from pixabay



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Green Party leader Zack Polanski has been assigned a team of bodyguards who will accompany him at all times. 


The passing of the motion that “Zionism equals racism” means that the Green Party is no longer a safe space for Jews - not even its leader.


The bodyguards have instructions to look out for Polanski launching any surprise attacks against himself, especially since 'that’s just the kind of sneaky thing Jews would do.'


Polanski himself says he didn’t ask for this extra protection, though he admits, 'it’s quite useful when I go to the synagogue on the Sabbath, as everyone there looks like they want to kill me.'



Image credit: ChatGPT

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