To kick start the UK, the Labour Government has set out a series of practical steps – such as wrapping the National Debt in cling film to “keep it fresh” and applying a strip of duct tape to inflation. Said the Chancellor, 'These are meaningful measures — now if you’ll excuse me, I need to blow the lint out of the stock exchange.'
By turning the economy off and on again, it is hoped that we can reboot it in Safe Mode— although we are unlikely to reload public services. Tough measures include putting the housing market in a bowl of warm water to “loosen it up” and trying to reset wages by poking a paperclip into a tiny hole.
Said a Treasury spokeswoman, 'We will tighten the fiscal screws with a butter knife, give the budget a gentle tap with a wooden spoon and try to glue productivity back together.' She paused. 'It was suggested we stick a pound coin under the nation’s wonky table leg and prop up the economy — but that was felt to be a bit risky, as we are down to our last pound.'
