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First his wife, now Andy Burnham’s female neighbours to be criticised for their dress sense


Andy Burnham's neighbours in Warrington are receiving fashion guidance to ensure that anybody in close proximity to the new PM meets the approval of online harridans who spend their time dreaming up ways to insult other women.


'I just saw a picture of a woman who lives down his road', one tweeted, 'terrible shoes. She's probably a murderer'.


'Woman in his local pub had false nails – and one was chipped' said another. 'Sure sign of a fraudster'.


So far all of the venom is directed at women, by women, demonstrating that feminism isn't just dead, it's been cremated and the ashes scattered in a junkyard at night under a full moon.


NewsBiscuit asked some of the critics for an interview but they all declined to be photographed. Funny, that.


The Art of the Deal - Volume 2


Ace deal maker and definitely not a loser Donald Trump is working to fix the Iran War.


'It's just about making a deal,' said the President in a rare moment of lucidity on waking from his late afternoon nap. 'My new plan is to offer Iran some countries that they can have. One from the gulf, one from Europe, possibly Italy, and one from Asia. That would be a great thing for them.


'And I'm offering to keep the price of oil nice and high for them. They will earn lots of money from that.


'And I'm sending them enriched Uranium, to replace what we destroyed. That's only fair.


'And we'll help them mine the Strait of Hormuz, why not. What else would you do for your friends?


'If that's not enough to end the war, then I can throw in a few sweeteners. I'll invest in Iran. Golf courses, Trump casinos, an Iranian campus for Trump University.


'Hegseth, Netanyahu and Fox News screwed this all up, but I can fix it. I'll make the best deal of all time to end the war, win the midterms and get reelected for a third term. Iranians love me and I love them back.


'More tablets? So many tablets. Didn't I just take some? Not enough. Okay. Gimme the tablets, get me a coke and get my magic deal-making hat. Donald out.'


Image: WixAI



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Torygraph: Useless Burnham starts by doing something we want


'For months, we have been saying that the proposed digital ID card is an outrageous threat to British people's liberties,' thunder the proprietors of the Daily Torygraph, Sid and Doris Forsythe-Bonkers, in the paper's editorial today.


'We at the Torygraph have also said we'd sooner do time than carry these hateful, socialist ID excrescences.


'Not only that, but we have also said the digital ID card scheme would be a criminal misuse of £1.8bn of taxpayers' money - not that we in the non-dom Forsythe-Bonkers household pay a penny of that.


'Now we hear that the very first decision our new so-called prime minister, Andy Burnham, has taken in government is to scrap the digital ID card scheme, saying it's a waste of money.


'This outrageous socialist, money-saving decision from the horrid, socialist, penny-pinching Andy Burnham must be opposed with every nerve and sinew that conservative Britain possesses.


'Which is why we, the true Angle-folk of the Daily Torygraph, demand the immediate reintroduction of the digital ID scheme and a doubling of the funds needed to roll it out.


'How dare that unpatroitic leftie Andy Burnham deprive Torygraph readers of their birthright: a true, British digital ID card!'




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