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Trump declares that the Strait of Hormuz is "fake news"


"I never heard of it before," Trump told his audience at a rally in Ignoramus, Nebraska.


"And none of my golfing buddies or sons in law ever heard anything about this Strait of Hormuz, either - and they're my Middle East experts.


"But that might be because they're the kind of experts who shoot their mouths off first and look at maps after. 


"I hear people are saying that the Iranians has just invented this Hormuz place. They're saying to me: 'Sir, this is the dead Ayatollah spreading fake news to pretend you haven't won the war yet.'


"If anyone says anything ever again about this made-up Strait of Hormuz being blocked, or ships getting sunk in it, I'll have Kash Patel's FBI Gestapo arrest them for treason. And if I hear our lying, liberal TV companies say another word about Hormuz, then I'll sue them and get the FCC to confiscate their licences.


"And now I've dealt with all these lies about the the totally fake Strait of Hormuz, you're going to see gas prices fall so low they'll be paying you to fill up your car."


Donald Trump is 79 in decrepit, sinking oil tanker years.     



‘Islambuster’ bouncing bombs set for Hormuz


President Trump is believed to be developing a range of bouncing ‘Islambuster’ bombs that will be used to clear a path through the Strait of Hormuz.


His advisors, among them his Secretary of War, ‘Pistol Pete’ Hegseth, say the President got the idea when scrolling through the films on Air Force One. “The President found himself looking at the classics channel,” Hegseth said, “and he started watching The Dam Busters, a film he hadn’t seen since he was a schoolboy. ‘Hey Pete,’ he said. ‘What say we get us some of these bouncing bombs?’.”


Trump’s team are currently negotiating with various RAF bases and aviation heritage sites to ascertain how many Lancaster bombers are available to make a trip to the Gulf. 19 were used on the initial raid in 1943 when their target was four huge dams at Möhne, Eder, Sorpe and Mar-a-Lago. Apology. One of those is fake news. We’re looking into it.


“We’re gonna skim the bombs right at anyone who gets in our way,” Trump told reporters. He added: “Hey Pete, how do I see the film in colour? Something’s wrong with it. It’s all crackly black-and-white. Guess it’s just crummy British technology…”



Trump solves Strait of Hormuz flashpoint with a stroke of military genius


As global affairs become more surreal by the minute, Donald Trump's press secretary, Caroline Leave-It-Out, today told the world's media, 'In a brilliant masterstroke of military genius, the problematic Strait of Hormuz will be renamed.


'The President, as we all know, is an incredible war strategist,' grovelled the shameless yes person, 'and he has moved swiftly to sort out this matter. So this big lake thing, or whatever the heck it is, will be renamed to something more suitable, and when that happens only the United States will say what is allowed and what's not allowed to happen there.'


The news was confirmed shortly afterwards by Trump himself, while swanning around on Airforce One returning to Washington from his golf course.


'Hormuz is a kinda bad sounding word, isn't it? Not American. Very bad. A lot of people tell me that. Sounds foreign and it's a problem. So we're changing it to Strait of Massachusetts. Wow, how about that? A truly wonderful American name. So now we get to decide who can sail their boats up, down and along it. No mines, no more mines,' said Trump, before busting out a stupid, robotic 1980s dad dance move.


Despite the announcement being met with stunned disbelief in most quarters, no one is particularly surprised to see the Trump-friendly, sycophantic, global poodle corporations, Google and Apple have already amended their online maps to show the new name.



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