Abbey Road zebra crossing heads for White House

US President Donald Trump has bought the world-famous Abbey Road zebra crossing and plans to install it just outside the new White House ballroom when that is completed in the New Year.

He told reporters: “I’m a big fan of the Beatles, big fan. I know all their hits. ‘Goodbye Yellow Brick Road’, ‘Rocket Man’, ‘The Macarena’. So when I heard that – what do they call them? – the ‘drab four’ had been photographed on this crossing for a movie and stuff, I said to my people ‘we have to have this’.”

A backing singer for Westminster council which owns the crossing, said: “We receive offers for the site all the time. I can confirm that we have received an offer from an individual in Washington DC which we have accepted. Like every council, we have to balance our books, and this offer is very generous.”

President Trump does not realize that the site has been repainted many times since the original 1969 iconic photo was taken. It is understood that he is now turning his attention to Hollywood’s Walk of Fame. “The President likes to stick his fingers into most things,” a spokesperson said. “The President’s handprint will now be added to the top of the Walk, ahead of the whole thing being moved to the White House lawn.”

image by Grok

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US shoppers forced to choose between food and guns

US retail sales are under strain as shoppers grapple with rising costs.  Food prices continue to rise and gas is heading back up to five dollars a gallon.

Retailers say that shoppers are having to choose between heating, eating and shooting.  In many stores food sales are down, but sales of guns and ammunition are up.

'It's a bunker mentality,' said the quartermaster for a well-known chain of megamarts.  'Shoppers are thinking, what's the point in eating, if the US of A is overrun by commie loving left wing illegal immigrant traitors?  Guns and ammo are their top priority and everything else comes second.  You can't actually eat lead, but I believe that some hillbillies might be trying. They can't afford to heat their homesteads, but they know that if you fire off enough rounds, the gun will warm up and you can use it like a hot water bottle.  With the safety on, obviously.

'We are helping customers address the 'eat or shoot' dilemma by offering great deals, including promotions that link basic foods with armaments.  For example, buy twelve trifles, get a free rifle.  And buy a Magnum (ice cream or wine) and get a Magnum (pistol) free.  Our deal of the day is 'buy five shooters and get the six shooter free'.

'There was a riot in a competing store after it offered a ten dollar Saturday Night Special.  Shoppers became very angry when this turned out to be a deal on pizza and soda, and not a pistol with the serial number filed off.

'For our part, we are determined to offer the best value to our target market, which is undernourished gun-toting crazies,' he continued. 'We're massacring prices. You should get down here like a shot. Come and scope us out. We've got sights for sore eyes. We've got RPGs, and they ain't video games. And we've got the very best hardware, and I don't mean mops and buckets. Although we do have those too...'

image by grok

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No policies announced today

The government has announced no new policies today, extending the political drought to 72 hours.

Expert commentators say that the government is leaving a dangerous policy vacuum that will just suck in loony policies from Reform or stupid ideas from TikTok.

'The policy vacuum does real economic damage,' said one freelance journo. 'I need new policies to write about, dissect, argue about, and write air-headed vox pops about. No policies, no paychecks for me.

'The government could easily boost the economy right now, just by announcing some new policy ideas. They don't have to be credible, actionable or sensible Just something we can all write about.'

A government PRsole said, 'It's silly season. Journalists are perfectly able to make up so-called news stories on their own. Anyway, there's always more nonsense coming from Trump, so we suggest that they write about that.'

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