Environmental Control Officers issued with state-of-the-art equipment in tighter crackdown on litter

News today Environment Control Officers are to be issued with portable electron microscopes to examine high street pavements for subatomic traces of rubber and leather being shed from the shoes of pedestrians. Those whose footwear who falls foul of inspection will be charged with littering and can expect to see on the spot fines of a cool £300 for each shoe, boot or trainer.

Former abattoir slaughterman and struck-off bailiff from Reading, Baz Clampett, is now one such newly appointed officer and commented. 'This is vital work I'm doing here. Our towns and cities are awash with this kind of previously undetected, casually discarded rubbish, and I for one, am glad to be doing my bit to stamp it out.

'Of course I miss the the strongarm tactics of my old job, but the endless opportunity to apply hard-faced, heartless and uncaring pedantry is very rewarding. And as I get £25 commission for everyone I nab. I've only come on shift an hour ago and already earned myself £200. Happy days, innit?'

When it was put to Council Leader, Darius Rembrandt, the move was yet another attack on a public already being financially squeezed from all sides in the current economic climate, he denied it was taxation by stealth, commenting, 'I refute that accusation one hundred percent. You're talking total rubbish.'

image from google gemini

UK to remain in Eurovision Song Contest

'On the face of it, the UK should boycott the Eurovision Song Contest, if only because it isn't a song contest.  It's an exercise in political voting, which is democracy in action,' said a UK spokesman today.  Most of Europe, especially Australia, the most European country in the southern hemisphere, has decided to boycott the contest because Israel, the most European not European country even allowing for Australia is still allowed in.

However song experts, who don't routinely follow the Eurovision Song Contest for reasons too complex to record here, have pointed out that the UK has a unique role in the contest which is to come last.  If the UK backs out of the contest then Israel stands to both win and be voted last, which isn't very British.

image from google gemini

Corbyn’s new party could provide 'limitless source of cheap energy'

Scientists today announced they’ve discovered a way to turn the factional infighting of Jeremy Corbyn and Zarah Sultana’s Your Party into a limitless source of cheap energy.

'The trouble with existing hydrogen-based fission reactors is that you have to put the material under extreme heat and pressure to make it split into its component parts,' explained Dr Bunsen Honeydew. 'So most of the energy you get out, you have to put straight back in to keep the reaction going.

'But this new material, yourpartium, is incredible - you just need a tiny amount and it gets overheated and starts splitting all by itself. In fact, some experiments suggest you just need a single atom of corbynium and one of sultanium, and fission occurs almost immediately.'

Newspaper columnists and cartoonists confirmed they also find the party a limitless source of cheap gags, often referencing the People’s Front of Judea from Monty Python’s 'Life of Brian'.

'However, it does have the same problem fission always does,' Dr Honeydew continued, 'in that it produces a rather toxic waste product - in this case, bitterness. 

'Clearly, we need to find a way of disposing of it safely. One suggestion is to combine it with the former Prince Andrew’s bitterness at losing his titles and status, and dump the whole lot out at sea.'

Image credit: NB archives