Epstein ‘alive and well’ at Hotel California

Some believe Jeffrey Epstein to be dead. A handful of people even think he took his own life.

But what if he’s alive, spirited away to safety by the CIA? Weird News specialist Ray Sullivan blew the lid several years ago on Hotel California, a secret island retreat for ‘deceased’ rock stars. Could Epstein be there?

NewsBiscuit went undercover to reveal the truth, but we couldn’t find it. Turns out secret islands aren’t easy to locate and the CIA won’t answer even a really polite email. It’s Area 51 all over again, we wasted months on that.

Do you know where Epstein is hiding? Have you seen someone who looks like him? Or do you, perhaps, run a training agency for undercover reporters? Better still – do you know where we could hire somebody competent? If so, we’d like to hear from you.

image from grok

Wave of gratitude for Reform

British citizens have today expressed their overwhelming gratitude to the Reform Party.

‘Reform aren’t all bad,’ said Colin Popp, a resident of Clacton.  ‘There’s lots of criticism of Reform and Farage, but we should all give credit where it’s due. We all need to give a massive thank you to Reform for finally shutting up those gobby right-wing Tories.

‘Since Robert Jenrick joined Reform, we haven’t heard a peep from him.  What a relief!  No stupid stunts chasing tube fare dodgers.  No more embarrassing videos from migrant camps in France.  No more WhatsApp cock-ups.  Genius.

‘Same with Suella Braverman.  We had to put up with the big stupid event when she joined Reform.  But since then, a brilliant, perfect silence.  No more tirades about the wokerati.  No more nonsense about sending migrants to Rwanda.  No more diatribes about the failure of multiculturalism.  Listen hard.  Can you hear anything?  No you can’t.  Perfect.

‘You have to admire party discipline in Reform.  The price of your future career is you complete and utter loyalty – and your complete and utter silence.  Well done, Nigel.  We owe you one. 

'There are a few more MPs that we would dearly like to silence – can we send you a list?'

image from grok

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Trump slams Shakespeare as 'meaningless word salad and garbage'

In a series of late night posts on the ironically named, Truth Social, President Trump, has turned his phenomenal brain power to William Shakespeare, branding The Bard of Avon as, 'A low IQ guy who wrote meaningless word salad and garbage.'

Commenting on Much Ado About Nothing, Trump wrote, 'Huh, he nailed it with the title.' In another petulant post he asks, 'Who the hell was this Henry guy? Seven plays about him when clearly one would’ve been plenty. He must have been the biggest narcissist in history.' His take on All’s Well That Ends Well was, “I thought that bunch of crap was never gonna end at all.”

However, unsurprisingly the great and the good of British acting have been flocking to Twitter all day to defend the accusations levelled at, as some argue, the world's greatest writer ever.

Paraphrasing Shakespeare, Sir Kenneth Branagh posted online: 'The mind boggles at depth of this man’s total ignorance – what’s more, me think he doth protest too much.' While Dame Judy Dench told reporters, 'I have only one word for Trump. It rhymes with banker.' 

However, whether you love the Bard or hate him - perhaps the last word should go to Shakey himself.

'Life is but a walking shadow, a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more; it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.'

image from grok