top of page
Search

'Art of the Deal' ghost writer asked to negotiate with Iran

The journalist who ghost authored The Art of the Deal for Donald Trump has been asked to step in and clinch a peace deal with Iran, since Trump himself clearly has no clue what he is doing.


"The President is totally out of his depth with the Iranians," said a State Department source, "and he's been telling obvious fibs - always saying he's minutes away from a deal with them when he's just been talking to himself in a mirror.


"That's why we asked Tony Schwartz to take his place. Look at this stuff he wrote in the Art of the Deal: 'My style of deal-making is very simple. I aim very high, and then I keep pushing and pushing to get what I am after.'


"Tony's the kind of guy we need negotiating with the Iranians," said the source. "He really seems to know what he's talking about - unlike the blundering oaf that we have as a president. He couldn't negotiate his way out of a lavatory cubicle."



US-Iran peace talks stall over division of spoils

A peace deal between the USA and Iran is 'tantalisingly close', according to an ill-informed member of the White House press office. The only stumbling block is how to divide up the tolls on shipping through the Strait of Hormuz.


The US President has previously opposed charging tolls on shipping, but is coming round to the idea - as long as the US gets a decent share.


Donald Trump's typically bullish demand is for 120% of the tariffs to be taken by the US, although it's not clear how this would work. He also demanded that US ships should be exempt from the tariffs. His concession was that Iran could set the tolls 'as high as they like'.


Iran suggested splitting tariff revenue fifty-fifty, with an adjustment to allow for the cost of damage in Iran caused by US bombing. The effect of the adjustment is that Iran would get 100% of the tariffs for 170 years (based on the current level of damage), before reverting to a fifty-fifty share after that.


US negotiators are confident that they can close the gap. They have suggested that all the repair work in Iran should be done by US contractors, but Iran has rejected this because of concerns about security.


'We have lots of ideas to help us seal a deal,' said an over-confident American. 'We'll have this sorted real soon - probably in the next 45 minutes.'



The year is 2026 and Tony Blair can still f$ck off

Memories last almost as long as university debt, so unsurprisingly the British public are less than thrilled that Anthony Charles Lynton Blair has reappeared with all the delights of shingles. Telling us to embrace further austerity and privatization, he is the James Corden of war-criminals.


Having received millions of pounds from fossil fuels and AI lobbyists, unsurprisingly this skull-faced gimp has come out in favour of oil tankers and giving your sort code to The Terminator. Spouting nonsense about the radical centre—Blair is about as convincing as someone explaining that Coldplay are edgy.


Said one voter: ‘I was happy to see the back of him once, so I’m delighted to do it a second time. He has the dead-eyed stare of a mannequin that was previously loaned by Jeffrey Epstein to Donald Trump. He’s the coworker who says ‘Let’s circle back’ like it’s a threat. Of all the offs he is the most f$ckety of all of them!’



Image: ChatGPT

bottom of page