Politics 9/0

Burnham to try ‘a bit of WD-40’ on the Civil Service

Sep 30

Three months into his Work Experience placement as Prime Minister, Andy Burnham ‘s next move will be ‘a squirt of WD-40’ into various branches of the Civil Service.

‘It takes ages to get anything done in government’, a spokesman said. ‘WD-40 works on rusty hinges and creaking gates, maybe it could streamline the legislative process. Got to be worth a try’.

Burnham’s flagship economic policy - nationalising pork scratchings – has proved frustrating. The National Pork Scratchings Collective still hasn’t agreed a constitution and looks to be months away from commissioning its first Tik Tok advert featuring baby-faced Burnham enjoying a pack of the skin-based delicacy.

‘It’s all about momentum’, the spokesman told us. ‘Andy has to announce something new every week or someone’s going to point at him and laugh, and it’ll all be over. Once people realise he’s just a bloke it’ll be like the end of Whistle Down The Wind, only more Northern. We need those Tik Toks, we need a coherent policy on pork scratching distribution and we need a really big can of WD-40, pronto’.

Image: File:Prime Minister Andy Burnham arrives at 10 Downing Street (55406541496).jpg - Wikimedia Commons

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Trump takes "utterly disgusting" as a compliment

Jeremynh

Sep 29

"The President is a deeply disagreeable person," said a White House spokes-cockroach, "and he is more used to receiving outraged abuse than compliments. That's why he is so very grateful to the editor of the Wall Street Journal for his affectionate words.

"During the visit of Chinese leader Xi Jinping, President Trump had shown him a picture of an autopen and told Xi it was Joe Biden. The two then laughed.

"When the President read the next day in the Wall Street Journal that his behaviour had been 'utterly disgusting', tears welled in his eye and he said it was the kindest thing anyone had ever said. His parents had never spoken to him that lovingly."

Later during his visit, Xi cackled as Trump tore the wings off a butterfly on the south lawn of the White House and invited him to China to see how his security services treat Uyghur dissidents.

Image: File:Donald Trump and Xi Jinping meets at 2018 G20 Summit.jpg - Wikimedia Commons

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Piers Morgan is not Hitler

deskpilot

Sep 28

Earl Spencer has taken responsibility for some minor errors in his new book, and has apologised to those affected.

He admits that he incorrectly identified media star and all-round good guy, Piers Morgan, as the founder and ruler of the Mongol Empire and agrees that he did not lead a ruthless army famous for advanced horsemanship and battle skills. Nor did he conquer vast territories stretching as far as China or cause massive destruction and the deaths of millions. These inadvertent mistruths arose because of a transcription error in which the words Morgan and Mongol were inadvertently swapped.

Earl Spencer was also happy to confirm that Mr Morgan did not start World War II in Europe, did not lead the Holocaust, and does not have a toothbrush moustache. He accepts that although Mr Morgan may have criticised democratic institutions in his newspapers, he did not dismantle them, and had never assumed the title of Fuhrer. These errors were due to a misunderstanding by his ghostwriter.

Earl Spencer is busy buying up all the copies of the first print run of his book, as he expects to make a killing selling them at a premium on the dark web.

Image: File:Piers Morgan - 2011.jpg - Wikimedia Commons

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