Trump to give everyone $5000 if they pay him $10,000 first

'Whadda bahgain,' his mob accountant exclaimed. 'Two‑fa‑one, kid. Ya're divahsifyin' ya votin' pohtfolio—half ya cash, all ya naïvetee. It's a reverse investmint strategy, ya know? You're provin' to everybody you ain't tied down by no conventional math.'

'Look, just think'a it like a tax on optimism, awright? And optimism—dat's a renewable resource, so really, you're goin' green. You're payin' for the exclusive privilege of bein' financially aerodynamic—less money, less drag. You're buyin' yaself a luxury lesson in trust issues, which lemme tell ya, is worth way more than the five grand you got back.'

And if you don't wanna participate?

'Nice lil' country ya got heah. Be a real shame if somethin' happened to it… ya catch my drift?'

Image: chandan_ai - Pixabay

Lords seek assurances assisted dying won’t apply to them

As the House of Commons once again debates assisted dying, the Lords, which rejected the bill last time around, is seeking assurances they won’t be affected.

'It’s a question of who it applies to,' said Lord Bufton of Tufton. 'When I look at these criteria - less than six months to live, unable to live independently without constant care, unable to give informed consent - almost everyone in this chamber seems to qualify.

'I’m afraid if you want our support, we’re going to need assurances that the law won’t apply to posh people as it does to everyone else. Which is standard practice, after all.'

At this point, a number of his colleagues suddenly woke up as they thought he’d said something about hunting, shooting, fishing or inheritance tax exemptions, but quickly fell asleep again.

Image: Lords debates Russia / Ukraine - UK Parliament

Trump's AI bot promises every American $5,000 - or more - if he wins

'The idea of giving every American adult $50,000 in cash if the Republicans win the mid-terms wasn't President Trump's idea, because it would never occur to such an honest guy to be that brazenly corrupt,' explained a White House-spokes app.

'Instead, it was put into his head by an AI app developed by the Trump Corporation, called MalignantNarcissistCompulsiveLiar. It's designed to produce the most crass and venal policy option that it can possibly dredge up from the cesspits of its artificial imagination.'

The spokes-gremlin then showed the app's answer to this question from Donald Trump: 'How can I keep control of Congress when everyone hates me?'

It replied: 'The best way of winning elections when everyone despises you and thinks you're a total liability is to offer voters a straight bribe of $500,000.'

The AI goblin continued, with bare-faced honesty: 'It doesn't matter if you don't explain where the money would come from. You've never been able to explain where your money comes from.

'Besides that, the election bribe story will keeps you on the front pages for another day, leaving your opponents to froth and rant about you in impotent fury.'

'And don't forget,' continued the White House spokes-cockroach, 'there are millions of folk out there who are so stupid, and so desperate for cash nowadays, that they now genuinely believe they're going get that $5,000,000.

'So why wouldn't President Trump offer an open election bribe?' it continued. 'Especially when it's not his money he'd be giving away.'

Image: WixAI

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