Burnham to pack off deadbeat ex-PMs to Dunrulin

'We have had six PMs in the past 10 years, almost all of them useless, and they all of need to be consigned to the dustbin of history,' said a ruthless member of Andy Burnham's transition team.

'This is why we're converting an abandoned pig barn near Milton Keynes, naming it Dunrulin, and moving them in there with no right to leave. Then Andy can take over with the slate wiped clean.

'In Dunrulin there'll be the Bullingdon Room, where David Cameron and Boris Johnson can hurl bread rolls at waitresses endlessly, a droid repair lab for Theresa 'Maybot' May, and a walk-in fridge in which Keir 'Blancmange' Starmer can sit doing sweet FA, as usual. Rishi can stand under a running shower dressed in his Saville Row suit, repeatedly announcing elections.

'Every one of these PMs was useless, but all in their own sweet ways,' said the newly-appointed matron of Dunrulin, Hattie Jacques. 'That's why we will give them the most tender, loving care in their declining years.

'Apart from Liz 'Barmpot' Truss. The only place we can safely put her is the padded cell.'

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Thousands snap up tickets to see the Burnhameux Tapestry

The Burnhameux Tapestry is shaping up to be the cultural sensation of the year as people in their thousands order tickets to view the masterpiece, which depicts Andy Burnham's historic Northern Conquest.

The tapestry shows how Andy the Conqueror invaded the south of England by train from Manchester Piccadilly and forced Keir Toolmakerson to cede the throne to him.

Several omens foretold Andy's conquest, such as a freak by-election victory for Labour in Makerfield and a decidedly streaky win for England against the footballers of impoverished, war-torn DR Congo.

'It's an amazing story!' gushed BBC Tapestry Editor Chris Mason, amongst a queue of thousands of tapestry buffs queuing for a ticket at the British Museum, 'and it's one which I and my successors will be telling, over and over again for the next thousand years on the television news - so watch out.'

Andy the Conqueror would go on to rule Britain in mediocre fashion for a handful of months before toppling into the financial black hole which Keir Toolmakerson had spitefully dug for him.

England got knocked out in the following round of the World Cup, having been comprehensively outplayed by Mexico's Shambling Chihuahua Puppies XI, and Reform UK won the following general election.   

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European leaders have a Trump rota

Giorgia Meloni , the Italian Prime Minister, is having a media spat with Donald Trump about who wanted a selfie. The spat has been raging back and forth for a week or so.

Although the insult trading is mundane - business as usual for Trump - it has revealed that European leaders have a rota for scrapping with the US President.

Keir Starmer confirmed the existence of the rota when he said, 'I can neither confirm nor deny that there is a European Trump tantrum rota.'

Recent run-ins have included spats with Spain about Israel, with Denmark about Greenland, with Narnia about immigration, with Italy about defence, with Britain about windmills, with Ukraine about the war, and with France about marital relationships.

'It's easier to share the pain,' said a tired looking diplomat. 'It's such a waste of time. Trump only does it to impress his dimwitted MAGA supporters. So taking turns makes sense - a better use if our resources.

Next in the rota is rumoured to be the Isle of Wight. They're due to start a run in about technology - winding up Trump because the USA doesn't even have Ceefax.'

Image credit: ChatGPT