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Expert raises alarm but Government says it’s all fine

An expert has raised the alarm over something or other serious but a Government spokesperson told NewsBiscuit ‘We have spent £25 billion over this Parliament to address the challenges raised in this report so everything’s fine’.


Other experts have also raised concerns about other serious matters, but fortunately these are also covered by large sums of money.


NewsBiscuit can’t be bothered finding out whether £25 billion is the right amount of money, or even if it exists. It’s too hot. The polite thing to do is thank the spokesperson and report that everything is now fine and we don’t need to worry about the Navy relying on a couple of canoes, schools falling down or hospitals asking patients to share beds.



Peter Murrell to be stripped of Scottish citizenship


A pressure group is agitating for Peter Murrell to be declared UnScottish and stripped of Scottish citizenship.


'It's not so much the alleged embezzlement,' said Jock Onn, of the pressure group. 'it's what he spent the money on.


'No self respecting Scot would spend £975 on three umbrellas. Actually, £325 for one umbrella is too much. Twenty quid max, I'd say. And £4795 for a pen, FFS. Which, I assume didn't work, as he then spend £4555 on a different pen. If a true Scot needs a pen, then they go to Argos for one of their stubby little blue biros. And if you need a pencil, then you go to IKEA.


'And £3500 for a wine coaster. Wine? He's Scottish. He should be buying Whisky coasters. And there's no money spent on haggis, or salmon, or shortbread. It's like a dagger to the heart. It's basically treason. And that's why his citizenship should be revoked.



Trump to build Arc de Stalemate in Washington DC

"No other city on earth has what I'm going to build here in our capital," crowed America's demented president.


"I call it the Arc de Stalemate, and it will commemorate the many, many months that it's taken for me to reach any type of peace deal with Iran which isn't an admission of total failure on my part.


"This arch will be built on the main road out of Washington and will have a pillar right down the middle, stopping any traffic from getting in or out of the city. And the US Navy will be mooring ships in the area to shoot up any vehicle trying to sneak around the outside.


"It's a pointless project that leaves everyone a lot worse off - but that's pretty much what the war has been, folks!


"And I'm going to be asking Congress to give me a billion dollars. Not necessarily to build my arch. I just want them to give me a billion dollars."



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