Andy Burnham will be same as Starmer, but Northern—which is worse

The fear within the Labour Party is that they will be replacing one horrendous human being with an exact copy, but this time with an unlimited supply of tea. So far Burnham's policies are to carry on as normal, but greet every human, animal, and lamppost with 'alright, love?'.

In a tailored speech Burnham denied this, as his brass band struck up, and he threw his flat cap into the crowd. He insisted that he would face the economic challenges—coatless. However, a bit like 'Wonderwall', his northern credentials are so overplayed that everyone is sick of them. His spokeswoman added. 'Andy is not a Northern stereo-type, he is his own man…now please pass the gravy.'

image by Gemini Google

Security warning about bogus roadworks

MI5 have flagged a serious security threat from bogus roadmenders.

The service has noted over a dozen incidents where roadworks were carried out, but were not authorised by the local council, and were not traceable to a recognised utility company. The roadmenders vans often bear the names of genuine companies and claims to be working as subcontractors for legitimate companies, or for Thames Water. The signage, the traffic cones, and the complete absence of any work happening, make the bogus roadworks look very convincing.

In one case, strategically placed roadworks - and horrendous queues of traffic - were used to prevent the police from getting to a bank raid in time, and to allow the robbers to escape

MI5 believes that hostile actors, and roadmenders, may be interfering with Britain's utilities, installing devices that slow down broadband, syphon off electricity or clog up sewage systems. And they also use badly sequenced temporary traffic lights to mess up the transport system, with the aim of crippling the economy.

A spokesman said, 'It can be hard to tell bogus roadworks from the real thing. The telltale signs are slow broadband, potholes, sewage overflows, power cuts, poorly mended roads, and the smell of gas. Of course, sometimes these issues are the result of genuine incompetence, but we would encourage people to always call 999, just in case.'

image from pixabay

An unlikely job swap for Sam Battle and Keir Starmer

In an unexpected move, Sam Battle and Keir Starmer are to swap jobs.

Sam Battle, who underscored his musical talent at Eurovision, will take over as Prime Minister next week. Commentators say that he will bring a tremendous energy and enthusiasm to the role, which Keir Starmer has been unable to harness. He has said that he will continue to wear his trademark pink boiler suit for the duration of his premiership.  He said that his main goal would be to ‘not make any U-turns’.  He dismissed the suggestion that he would be known as ‘Look Mum, No Policies’ as frivolous.  He added, 'I couldn't do any worse than Keir, could I?'

Keir Starmer, who has underscored as Labour party leader and PM, will be Britain’s Eurovision entry for 2027. In a statement, he said that he understood the importance of music to Britain and to the British economy. He said that he was disappointed with the poor result this year, which he attributed to the cost of living, the price of energy, international bond markets and the rise of Reform. He felt that Things Could Only Get Better and that he would be taking advice from Angela Rayner, as she could probably give a decent performance of Bangaranga, given the chance. He said that he would be judged by results, and that he was aiming to score at least two points.  He added, 'I couldn't do any worse than Sam, could I?'

image from Grok