Goat girl Melania denies everything

'I never met Epstein,' said a two-dimensional Melania Trump in a statement yesterday, 'or any of his creepy friends like Donald Trump, or their gangster's moll wives and girlfriends.

'I was just a little girl tending her goats in Slovenia,' the figurine continued, wiping a papier-mache tear from its eye. 'Then one day, they made a cardboard cut-out of me and posted it to the Trophy Wives modelling agency here in America.

'They used it as an image to sell mascara and stuff, and then Donald Trump saw it at some sleazy party and decided to marry it. That's when its happiness died.

'Now goat girl Melania just wants to be left in peace in the Slovenian mountains with her herd. She has to go now - Florentina has got stuck in a thicket.'

Image: WixAI

Trump made chief of the Ramblers

'So, um, where was I?' said a spokes-blitherer for the Ramblers.

'Oh, yes. That's it. We've inducted the President of the United States into the Ramblers and promoted him immediately to being our chief.

'That's because he's proving himself to be one of the most persistent ramblers of modern times.

'For most of us club members, rambling is a weekend hobby - a break from our working lives in which we have to speak briefly and to the purpose.

'President Trump, on the other hand, is spending every day now going on long digressions during important meetings, ranging over acres and acres of irrelevant subject matter for hours on end before reaching any point.

'And Mr Trump's proclivity to ramble is clearly increasing by the week as he slips ever deeper into senile dementia.'

Trump takes the top rambling spot from Boris Johnson, who was told of his demotion while talking to business executives about Peppa Pig World.

At press time, Donald Trump was into the sixth hour of an acceptance speech to fellow ramblers in the Oval Office and had already covered such topics as Sharpies, TV comedians he wanted to imprison, the best Taco Bell restaurants in southern Florida and his top ten pairs of breasts on 1980s soap opera actresses.

Image: Wix AI

The Ceasefire to end all Ceasefires

The White House has boasted that Trump's ceasefire is so comprehensive that people can keep fighting without disrupting it - no matter how many bombs Israel drops, it cannot shatter the peace and tranquillity of the President's vision. His spokeswoman confirmed: 'The work of righteousness will be peace, and the effect of righteousness, quietness and assurance forever. Now, let's kick some ass!'

His Israeli allies backed the plan whole-heartedly, 'What's not to like? We get to carry on murdering.' The White House clarified, 'It's not murder, they misspoke. The Lebanese are simply no longer an active stakeholders in the life-cycle process. They’ve been permanently transitioned out of the biological workflow.'

To celebrate, FIFA are now considering elevating Trump's Peace Prize to the level of Prince of Peace. A spokeswoman said, 'The President puts the De into Ceased.'

www.newsbiscuit.com

Image: https://pixabay.com/users/thepixelman-406384/