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Burnham: I'll say whatever it takes to solve UK's problems


"I give this pledge to the Labour Party and the electorate about what I am resolved to do," said Prime Ministerial hopeful and T-shirt model Andy Burnham. "I will be fearless in saying everything in my power to become leader and make Britain happy.


"I will state, forthrightly and in no uncertain terms, that it's time to defy Labour's bleeding heart, left-wing backbenchers, slash welfare spending and boost Britain's defences.


"I will also be utterly resolute in saying that we must devote all our resources to nationalising utilities and fighting the great curse of social inequality.


"It all depends on whether I am speaking boldly and honestly to The Daily Telegraph or The Guardian.


"So saying, Burnham went back to canvassing in Makerfield, handing out copies of either Socialist Worker and Soldier of Fortune magazine to passers-by, depending on what type of voter they seemed to be.




British troops flung aboard Shadow fleet tanker


There is no issue with resources in the MoD, insisted a moustachioed cartoon officer with an infeasibly large number of stripes.


The official press release is clear. 'Valiant British troops took the unusual step of boarding the shadow tanker by trebuchet, because the unit's helicopter is stuck in Kwik-Fit awaiting the correct windscreen wiper. Four men hit the water and two hit the side of the ship, but three men successfully boarded.


'The three heavily armed soldiers advanced on the ship's bridge armed with their British made Forest Products Sustainable Wooden Gun Replicas, shouting Bang!, just like in Dad's Army. Minimal resistance was overcome by offering the crew cheap cigarettes and traditional British beer, probably Oranjeboom or Fosters.


'Twenty men were recovered from the water and eighteen of these were later found to be asylum seekers. The trebuchet performed extremely well, and will be fitted with new and stronger elastic bands for next time. Military experts will now consider if marine helicopters could, in future, be launched by trebuchet to save fuel.


'The seized ship was directed to Maplin Sands where it was successfully run aground in a wetland wildlife sanctuary. All aboard were successfully returned to land with the valued assistance of the RNLI. The RSPB is advising on the best way to get the ship's cargo of oil ashore without damaging the wetland habitat.


'This glorious story underlines the heroic achievements of the British military and the grit, pluck and determination of its troops. It also confirms that there is definitely no crisis with military funding, morale, weapons, intelligence or leadership. Everything is just tickety-boo.




Doctors warn of vile new summer parasite


"Summer is known to bring the risk of infection from the cryptosporidium parasite, flatworms and ticks," said a spokes-stephoscope for the Brutish Summertime Medical Association.


"But a new parasite has evolved which is a million times more malignant than any of those.


"We call it the Purecoldrage parasite. It thrives by sucking up all the anger, bile and hatred which lurks inside the minds of Britain's most grumpy people and then releasing it into the general population in massively concentrated doses - usually, just ahead of by-elections.


"You can protect yourself from the Purecoldrage parasite," advised the spokes-antidote, "by blocking Nigel Farage from all your social media feeds and turning off your telly whenever he comes on."




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