Putin explains to Trump that he's getting it all wrong

'Look, mate - 

(1) None of this 'Major combat operation'.  Bit of a giveaway, and sounds far too aggressive.  It's always a 'Special military operation.'

(2) You're not attacking a 'foreign country'.  Iran is and always has been an integral part of the United states of America, like Canada, Greenland and Venezuela.  It's just been acting like a breakaway province in recent decades.  But you are liberating it and its people.

(3) Don't just drop bombs on it and fire missiles at it.  Get stuck in, do the job properly, march in and march over people's faces, let the tanks roll in and roll over people, their homes and everything.  And while you're at it, kidnap a few thousand children and drag them away to be brainwashed.

(4) You didn't kill Khamenei.  That would be aggressive and nasty.  The poor feeble old bugger just toppled over and accidentally fell out of a window.

But you've started, so finish.  If all your armed forces are busy in Iran, at least that'll stop you trying to poke your nose into Ukraine, which is absolutely none of your business.

Have a nice day!  - Your mate, Vlad.

USA bombs Epstein news

In a bold pre-emptive strike, the US has destroyed all paedo/cannibal headlines for at least 24 hours. Tehran will be the lucky recipients of distraction missiles and a large explosion of smoke and mirrors.

A Pentagon spokeswoman confirmed: 'The people of Iran will lay down their lives, so President Trump can have his peni$ redacted. The only thing that can save them are aliens-as that's an even bigger story.'

While a short campaign is preferred, this may change if Iran defends itself or if rumours of Donald Trump, Woody Allen and Mickey Mouse surface.

Image: Lothar Boris Piltz (@lotharborispiltz) | Unsplash Photo Community

Family voting 'definitely the problem' say Reform

'We've known for some time that family voting is the reason we keep losing elections,' said a Reform spokesman today, following the trouncing in the Gorton and Denton by-election. 'Clearly Welsh families crowded into polling booths to confer during the Caerphilly by-election and now the Muslim vote in Manchester is at it,' he said.

Family voting is where members of a biological family collude - or discuss in normal terminology - on who to vote for. Around the kitchen table or even en-route to the polling station is, technically, illegal but extremely difficult to enforce, however when in the polling station any apparent discussion or collusion is forbidden and constitutes an offence. As if the missus would tell hubby who she really voted for.

'We believe the Muslims colluded and the senior family member instructed his family to vote for the Greens,' said the spokesman. When asked if he had any evidence the Muslim voters, especially the male family leaders, were colluding to ensure that the Green party won he confirmed the suggestion. 'They are naturally attracted to white female figures answering to openly gay, white, Jewish leaders, it's in their culture,' he added.

'If it wasn't for that inherent inbuilt natural bias they would have voted for the party that wants to deport them when in power, naturally,' he added.

Image: geralt - Pixabay