Starmer furious the other boys won't let him play soldier

Peace talks between Putin and Trump look set to go ahead without Field Marshall Starmer, meaning that UK will miss out on a gold opportunity to get shot at.

The PM is said to be incandescent with rage, that his forever war has barely outlasted Rachel Reeves credibility. Instead of a glorious campaign of photo opportunities, Starmer is left having a defense meeting with the French - which an oxymoron.

He has still proposed to increase defense budgets by cutting back on welfare spending – by sending everyone in a wheelchair to the Ukrainian frontline. The PM had been banking on the popularity a war would give him, and the chance to win the Lord Kitchener lookalike competition.

Sir Keir is a real life Action Man, and small enough to wear the toy uniform. Sadly, he will never get to wear is stick-on medals, cocked hat and replica musket – it will all stay in his dressing up box, alongside his pretend socialist hat.

Image: Pixabay/red_koral_ph

Starmer to suck up to King by building towns he designed

"The PM ambled around some village he'd never heard of in Cornwall last week with Charles by his side, and now he says he wants a dozen towns built according to his designs," a Labour party chatbot told reporters.

"I'm not sure why Keir's being such an embarrassing suck-up about this," the bot continued. "He's already got a knighthood. Maybe he wants a peerage. Or perhaps he wants to be invited to a few more banquets at Windsor Castle. Who knows?"

"Labour's embarrassed? We're embarrassed!" said a Palace spokes-flunkey. "Attlee, Wilson, Starmer... they all start off as young firebrand socialists who want to rip down the monarchy and set up a workers' republic.

"Then they set one foot inside Buck House and turn into utter creeps.

"Anyway, the king doesn't design towns. He's too dim for that. His real talent is wandering around Britain peering at pieces of modern architecture with a pained expression on his face and saying 'it really is appalling'.

"Keir is warning Labour local councillors that if they try any funny business like refusing planning permission for the new royal towns, he'll have them deselected, Diane Abbott-style," said the party chatbot.

"And to be extra creepy to Charles, he might also have them prosecuted for treason."

Image: Pixabay/paulbloch

Govt plan to create 'Fake South Coast' to trick migrants

The government today announced plans to float a facsimile of the South Coast in the English Channel in the hope that migrants will land there instead of the UK mainland. The floating construction is to be moored just off the coast, and to be designed with white cliffs and sandy beaches to look just like the real thing. It will also be equipped with beach huts, food and water, toilet facilities, medical supplies, beachwear and plenty of toiletries and towels.

The plan is that once a sufficient number of migrants have landed on the pretend England, it will set sail for the Atlantic and head South, to drop anchor off the shores of Morocco, never to return. Meanwhile, another such floating artifice will put in its place, to continue the process.

Critics have observed that, because the ships are sailing to warmer climes, have plentiful free accommodation, will have no old or infirm dependents, no billion-pound national debt and no taxation, they may therefore be filled to capacity with migrants from England.

Image: WolfBlur - Pixabay

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