Sir Keir Starmer to unveil new upgraded State Visit Package – Gold Edition

For those frequent State Visit clients, why not upgrade your experience to create unforgettable memories in a haven of refined elegance and sycophantic obedience?

Buckingham Palace invites you to submerge yourself in unparalleled luxury with a total absence of legal scrutiny. Indulge in personalized service, with a bespoke state banquet catered by a cornucopia of American fast-food outlets.

Play a round of golf at one of the many elitist courses that can be segregated in all manner of different ways at your request. Includes 24-hour use of the Royal Ball Washer.

One journalist can be picked by the client and sent to the Tower of London. Hilarity will ensue.

Meet with likeminded individuals to discuss private islands and removing names from flight logs to your hearts content.

You will spend time with King Charles version 3.0, maybe not as humorous as his grandfather, but still highly skilled in inane flattery and feigned interest.

The Royal Carriage will have improved suspension to allow for an increased weight capacity and will now include a plethora of hand stitched leather cup holders.

A special inspection of the guard of honour is available, all soldiers will be tested to ensure that they remain professional with a loaded firearm so close to your vicinity. If you would like ammunition removed and for them to use rubber bayonets, this can be accommodated for.

This week only, a complementary extra-long tie with ermine finish.

Existence of Ukraine main obstacle to peace, says Russia’s former Defense Minister

The existence of Ukraine’s Constitution will prevent Kyiv from initiating peace talks with Russia and ending the war, said Russia’s former Defense Minister and current Security Council Secretary, earlier today.

'The main difficulty is their constitution prohibits negotiations on changing territorial integrity, whereas the Russian Constitution allows changing the borders, but only if they move further away from Moscow.

The remarks were made to Russian state-run media TASS, and appeared to express surprise Ukraine wants to retain control of its borders.

The former official demanded that before there could be a cease-fire, Ukraine's constitution should be amended to make it more similar to the Russian Constitution, and allow border changes in the direction further away from Moscow.

'Except for the frontline in Southern Ukraine, where for geographical reasons that would would give territory back to Ukraine. Which of course is absurd.'

Photo by Eugene on Unsplash

Liz Kendall shoots guide dog

Having decided to go pure evil, the Work and Pensions Secretary said anyone avoiding work would be taken to the woods and shot. When questioned as to whether this was ethical she snapped a pair of crutches over her knee and stamped on a hearing aid - while someone was still wearing it.

Her approach would be carrot and stick. The stick is forcing thousands of disabled citizens into abject poverty. While the carrot would simply be rammed up their arse.

Saving £5bn in benefits would also help fund the sudden big increase in burial pits and wheelchair disposal. Disabled Groups said they were concerned that this could pressure the vulnerable into assisted suicide, her aide remarked 'We bloody well hope so.'