Foreign Office guidance - “No, seriously, stop going to Iran”

The Foreign Office issued advice today saying it’s “not f*cking around” when it warns Britons not to travel to Iran.

“Honestly, we’ve only just got Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe back,” huffed spokesman Jeremy Cufflinks. “Along with some bearded guy who was actually in jail there for longer, but never made the news because he’s not a good-looking woman.

“And now another couple of idiots have got themselves arrested. God knows what we’ll have to do to get them back. Are there some other historical debts we never got round to paying?”

For their part, Craig and Lindsay Foreman denied they were being reckless in travelling to Iran in defiance of Foreign Office advice. 

“We just wanted to see the sights, meet the people, go to one of those wonderfully exotic bazaars... all those spices, so colourful!

”And obviously to pull off the Ayatollah’s turban to see if he had an orange mohican underneath - I laughed so much when Frank Drebin did that in The Naked Gun…”

Image: Pixabay/mokhaladmusavi

Zelenskyy and Putin to find Totty for Trump

Fears are growing amongst friends and family of America’s First Lady Melania Trump ,nee Knauss,that the president intends filing for divorce and is actively seeking a fourth wife.

Rumours yet to be confirmed or denied by White House staffers are saying Trump is insisting that a new Ukrainian or Russian wife for him must be part of any American solution for peace in Ukraine.

His three stipulations are as usual, she must be young, pretty and have a lower command of English then he has.

Despite sacking Melania’s English teacher early in their marriage ,Trump has become more and more aware that his wife’s vocabulary far exceeds his own and that on the few occasions he allows her to speak in public, he and his MAGA followers struggle to understand her.

Trump’s second wife Marla Maples, after his failed marriage to Ivana Zeinickova, was in fact American. An actress and TV presenter. She later described being married to Trump as like living with a Twelve year old with a speech impediment and likened him to an excitable Red Setter,constantly looking for praise and attention. She wrote, if I told him he was a good boy he would jump on his bed, playing with his Golf balls and trying to lick his own nuts.

According to FBI files, Trump is no stranger to mail order brides and that he is in fact, Donny (,could have been a professional golfer) ,from Florida ,that has been banned from numerous Thai Mail order sites. With his IP address traced to the Mar-a-Lago area, Trump is alleged to have inundated hundreds of Thai women with unsolicited Dick Pics and a promise of the Best Marriage, the best marriage in history.

With his recent criminal convictions ,accusations of rape, sexual assault and flings with Porn stars, Trump is not worried about any adverse public reaction should he dump Melania and bring in an immigrant, as Trump has said many times, my supporters make up excuses for me.

Image: Pixabay/TheDigitalArtist

Trump declares war on Mars

''Those Martian parasites never buy anything from us, and there's nothing to stop them swarming over here, stealing our jobs and selling drugs. There have already been far too many absolutely authentic genuine certified reports of their flying saucers trying to sneak into Arkansas and other great American centres of advanced technology, and spreading their perverted Martian propaganda.'

'And those corrupt, power-hungry Martians gangsters are trying to control the shipping on their canals - there are no American ships using Martian canals and this restriction has got to stop. Furthermore, If there are any valuable minerals on Mars which could be mined, they obviously belong to America and must have been stolen from us.'

'We need to stop these criminal Martian layabouts and criminals from threatening the American way of life and prosperity. What such primitive creatures need is a bit of American culture, so the sooner that backward place is covered in burger bars, cola drink factories, golf courses and hideous, massive, ostentatious multi-storey hotels, the better.'

'To give them a sense of responsibility and some sense of direction and purpose in life we need to provide them with some useful employment - well, at least, useful work. Such as picking cotton. For the right price, my mate Elon will be willing to provide suitable transport craft to bring them here to American plantations.'

'And there's no need to worry about these green creatures from cluttering up our schools, cafes or buses. There will be clearly segregated facilities for them. After all, a green colour bar is a totally different from a black colour bar, which is apparently a bad thing nowadays.'

Image: Pixabay/WikiImages