Andrew Tate revealed as comedy character

Manosphere “influencer” Andrew Tate was today revealed to be a comedy character, created and performed by comedian Steve Bradshaw.

'I’d been working the clubs for a while, keeping my head above water without ever really breaking through,' said Bradshaw today. 'Then I read something about these manosphere influencers on the internet, and thought that was a ripe subject for parody.

'I never for a moment imagined people would take him seriously. I mean, do people watch Philomena Cunk and think she’s a real historian? Or Nigel Farage and think he’s a real politician?'

'It is weird,” agreed Mike Jenkins, who Bradshaw recruited to play Tate’s brother Tristan. “I mean, the obvious homoeroticism of these guys hanging around the gym all day admiring each other’s physiques, but claiming to be 100% uber-heterosexual. In a way, it’s a little depressing people haven’t got the joke.'

Bradshaw said he also felt bad about “Hustlers’ University”, started by “Tate” a few years ago to give disaffected young men the life skills to become “hustlers”.

'Surely it’s obvious he’s the one hustling them? Taking their money and giving them nothing but retarded garbage in return? How do people not get this?'

In the circumstances, and despite the fact they’re making him more money than comedy ever did, he agreed to suspend all Tate’s courses lest they cause harm in the real world.

Meanwhile on Reddit, the subthread r/tateisreal was created so angry young men could warn each other not to be taken in by the “fake news” that Tate is a comedian who was taking the piss out of them all along.

'Tate completely changed my life,' said user AlphaBro. 'Without him, I’d never have got my girlfriend to do webcam work, so I could live a life of leisure off the money she makes me. Well, I say girlfriend - I haven’t seen her in a while, and her stuff doesn’t seem to be in the flat any more. Which means I’ve finally got room for a weights bench and gaming chair! #livingmybestlife'

Photo by Sigmund on Unsplash

Labour to impose a supertax on bingo

Government sources have confirmed that the government is running out of ways to scar the poor, penalise the old and disenfranchise the disabled.  Despite all their best efforts they have raped, pillaged and censored the weak and the worthy alike.  Their last, best hope is to raise the taxes on bingo halls, targeting the lower paid and most easily distracted elements in society.

'It is well known that the lower paid, the under-educated and those who seek inexpensive light relief from caring duties like to spend time in bingo halls.  They are our target victims - er - audience, so we will make their miserable lives more miserable.  It's the least we can do, and the least is definitely what we want to do,' said a government spokesman today.

Photo by Bruno Guerrero on Unsplash

Welfare reform: parents to be responsible for their kids until they are 30

The government has today announced a further initiative to reform state welfare provision. In future, the government will make parents legally and financially responsible for their children until they reach the age of 30.

This means adults under 30 will be expected to live at home if they cannot afford their own place, and they will not be eligible for any state benefits.

‘Everyone thinks kids are cute,’ said a spokesman, ‘until they are old enough to have mobile phones and get stroppy.  Then it gets tougher.  We want to reinforce the responsibilities of parents in starting a family, and we want to avoid feckless Gen-Z snowflakes from clogging up the benefit system.  It’s costing us a fortune.

‘Parents usually know how to keep their kids in line – the naughty step, being grounded, star charts, removal of their bedroom door, etcetera – so we think that this is very doable.  It will also give the children a tremendous incentive to get jobs and earn enough money to get their own place.  There is only so much outdoor sex that you can have before you get caught.’

‘This will avoid all the tedious arguments about whether state benefits should cover one, two or three streaming services, for example.   And disagreements about whether the state should pay for Frosties and Cocoa Pops and Ready Brek and Multigrain Cheerios.  In future, all those discussions can be settled by the parents.  We respect that fact that different parents will reach different decisions. That’s quite acceptable in a democratic society.’

The initiative will generate massive savings on the welfare bill and ease pressures on social housing.

The government is also considering if children should be responsible for their elderly parents, once they are older than 75. This could generate big savings on the cost of care homes. This further initiative would provide a helpful counterbalance to the new policy on parental responsibility.  Parents would need to be reasonable with their children under 30, or they could face retribution once they are over 75.

Photo by Ben Wicks on Unsplash