Updated Seven Deadly Sins from the King Trump Bible

As Trump is an angry, lazy, vain, greedy, adulterous, gluttonous fraudster, a new “interpretation” of the original (and best) sins was needed. By using an alternative theory on the separation of church and state as written in the US constitution, the current US Government has issued the all-new deadly sins list. So in at number seven, here we go!

• Empathy – This is definitely a weakness and shows basic lack of alpha-ness and should never be attempted.

• Critical Thinking – Believe something, find opinions online that support it. These are your facts. Do not falter or back down. To do otherwise is now a sin. This is your life now.

• Awareness – Something is only bad if it is bad to you directly. You have a nice safe bubble that is always right, all other bubbles are wrong and dangerous. Only listen to voices in your echo chamber.

• Diversity – If something is different from you and your views, it is wrong and scary. God said so.

• Equity – You don’t need to know what this means, it is just the middle letter in an abbreviation you have been told to hate.

• Inclusion – In the bible, those two Corinthians must have said this at some point, “Screw you, I got mine” and I think we can all agree that is a valuable lesson to live by.

• Integrity – The white Jesus said, do what I say, not what I do. I can do what I want, and you must do what I want you to do. Hypocrisy is your shield and ignorance is your sword.

Sales boom for petrol engine Tesla cars

Elon Musk is celebrating a sales boom for Tesla cars. The models in the greatest demand are those with petrol engines – which is odd, as Tesla only builds fully electric cars.

We spoke to an auto industry insider, to understand what’s going on. Richard Scratcher, owner of Dirty Dick’s Chop Shop in Alamo, Nevada, says that it’s all to do with sales of converted Teslas. The Chop Shop works with a Tesla dealership, offering new cars which have been converted by replacing the electric engine with a new General Motors V12 internal combustion engine.

Richard says, ‘Sales of my Tesla Model 3 DBD are booming. That’s DBD, not DBS, like Aston Martin. DBD stands for Drill, Baby, Drill.   And that’s a big clue about who is buying these cars.

‘Republican’s are keen to support Trump and keen to support the First Buddy, Elon Musk. So they’d like to buy a Tesla to show their support.  But at the same time, they hate environmentalists, they don’t believe in climate change, and they really, really hate electric cars.

‘So I solve that problem for them. They get to buy a new Tesla, to help out Elon, and they get an all-American V12 engine and twin exhausts and a fuel consumption of 8 miles per gallon. That sounds bad, but it’s a US gallon, not one of your Imperialist gallons. And that’s why sales are booming.

‘I’ve also got a great deal going on secondhand cars. I can buy Teslas cheap from disillusioned Democrats, convert them, and sell them on at a premium price to Republican blowhards.  And that’s how we’re making America great again.’

Photo by Charlie Deets on Unsplash

Britons 'now using larger units for alcohol'

'When the government introduced the 14 units a week for alcohol in 1987 I thought it was a great idea,' said Carl, adding, 'because I'd often worried that I wasn't drinking enough. But the proposed system was obviously over-complicated. I prefer just 7 units, one per day,' he said. 'As usual the government was too stingy with the unit size - have they ever been on a bender, Covid excepted?' he asked. So I just used a bigger unit, you know, like a wheelbarrow' he said today.

Government records note that practically 100% of people recording their alcohol consumption claim is '14 units', and assume outliers like Carl claiming just 7 units is stopping the policy from being completely successful. However drinking buddy to Carl, Alan, claims that Carl is over-complicating the process. 'I just drink one unit a week. It's a bloody big unit, you know, like a shed, but at least I can keep track of it. At least until Friday evening when it gets a bit hazy,' he adds, joining the 99% of the population recording 14 units.

The NHS insists that drink related illness accounts for almost half of its workload, which given the amount of doctors, nurses and managers it employs is a good thing. 'If it wasn't for drunks, we'd have bugger all to do,' said a NHS spokesman, raising a glass, a bloody big glass, approximately one unit. 'Chin-chin.'

Image: WixAI