Newsbiscuit Christmas list of useful aphorisms

It’s easy to run into debt, but you have to crawl out.

There’s no problem drinking like a fish, so long as you drink what fish drink.

My wife and I had absolutely nothing when we got started, and we’ve got most of it left.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult is was.

A fairy tale is a horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Ever notice, when finally you’ve got to a position where you’re holding all the cards, that everybody else is playing chess?

Who cares if the world is full of apathetic people?

Strive for adequate, settle for mediocre

If it is worth doing, someone else will eventually do it

Many a mickle makes too many mickles

He who laughs last misses the next gag

Out of the frying pan,five second rule

Hat tips to FlashArry and Deskpilot

Image: Engin_Akyurt - Pixabay

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Young WFH workers shun Christmas office parties for GFUFH

Gen Z workers are abandoning the traditional office party pub crawl in favor of Get Fucked Up From Home (GFUFH). The innovation, which bosses struggling to find employees are wary to challenge, comes as more and more people are admitting they prefer their bedrooms and array of electronic devices to real time with other human beings.

Instead of staying behind in the office and making awkward conversation with people you still, despite having spent most of all day every day with them in shared office space for years, barely know, younger workers are bizarrely opting to take cash in lieu of free work booze, buy their own stash, and get blooty without the need for a risky taxi past closing time.

One boss of a large Halfords on the Wales-Herefordshire border expressed his frustration with the new trend. ‘I do not understand this generation. They could be taking turns doing karaoke as we film and abuse them while necking as many cheesy puffs as they like,’ he said. ‘But they’d rather drink alone with access to a complete history of worldwide media.’

‘The opportunities for sexual harassment are completely disappearing,’ said another boss who withheld any way of being identified. ‘When I started at this glazing firm in the 80s, the Christmas do was known as ‘Feel up Friday.’ Understandably, it was anticipated with great office cheer. By about 70% of staff’

Workplace bio-sociologists say the change is one of many reckonings following in the wake of Covid. ‘Covid changed the way we work, the way we socialize, and the way we get fucked up,’ said Dr Mark Mazden. ‘Young research staff in my department also demonstrate a kind of de-socialization, manifested in numerous asocial symptomatics. Getting wankered while scrolling YouTube shorts is the main one.’

Image: mibryant - Pixabay

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Cat consortium makes bid for YouTube

A collection of senior cats have made a surprise offer to purchase the online video service, YouTube, from it's parent company Google.

The  consortium is headed up by Top Cat, Larry the Downing Steet Cat, Bagpuss and the Cheshire Cat with the plasticine dog, Gromit, as a silent partner.

A spokesfeline, Mr Fluffykins, said "It's about time we were taken seriously, we've calculated that 90% of YouTube videos involve cats so it's about time that the 'talent' took control of the medium as many of the videos makes cats look ridiculous."

Image: cocoparisienne - Pixabay

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