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Writer's pictureGuest Author
Nov 4

First class passengers riot after BA removes caviar from lunch menu



In an attempt to cut costs, British Airways has announced that it will no longer offer First Class and Business passengers a full lunch on early flights – leaving them with only the amuse bouche, main course, dessert, cheese course, champagne, beer, port and cigars.


‘I don’t pay premium prices just to be given a snack,’ said one frequent-flyer from beneath their Gucci balaclava. ‘What’s next? No free seat in pleb-class for Nanny?’


After police tear-gassed the first-class lounge, a BA spokesperson said, ‘We’ve taken our patrons’ complaints on board and to minimise future distress, we will no longer be replacing the in-flight Bollinger with Waitrose No. 1 Champagne.’


Author: lucienne



eppursimuove
Nov 4

Guardian decides identity politics not such a good idea after all



The election of Kemi Badenoch as Tory leader has led leftwing firebrand newspaper the Guardian to conclude that maybe identity politics isn’t such a good idea after all.


”For years, our position has been not to judge issues on their merits, but to automatically take the side of any minority group involved. Except on gender, where we assume the majority (women) must be in the right.


”Obviously that’s not ideal when the Tories have a black female leader, almost certainly facing a white male Labour leader at the next election.


”Fortunately we have an out, which we call the “Uncle Tom” or “coconut” clause, which applies when an ethnic minority doesn’t believe or act as we think they should. Basically, we’re arguing that by being successful, the person has essentially become white. Which is in no way racist on our part. I think.”


The spokesman went on to say that the Guardian would have no problem having a black editor, as the only criterion has always been that they should live within five minutes' walk of Hampstead Heath.




Writer's pictureThrongsman
Nov 3

Finite number of monkeys still good for Mrs Browns Boys scripts

Australian mathematical researchers have dismissed the adage that an infinite number of monkeys typing for an infinitely long time would write the complete works of Shakespeare.  They point out that an infinite number of monkeys isn't plausible at any given time, and the universe is very much likely to have a finite lifetime.  They have, usefully, calculated that any given monkey is unlikely to type the word 'banana' within its own finite life.


Undeterred a spokesperson for the Mrs Brown's Boys TV show has defended the decision to utilise three monkeys for two days a week to generate a script.  'It's worked for the last thirteen years', and notwithstanding the fine calculations of the mathematicians would continue in the same way going forward.  'They may know about maths, but what do they know about writing humour?' he asked.  It turns out he was referring to the monkeys.




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