Starmer renews his breakfast priorities

Today at number 10 Downing Street, Sir Keir Starmer set out his renewed priorities for breakfast.

Emphasising that he wasn’t going back on earlier statements about what he likes to eat in the morning, merely renewing his priorities with perhaps more emphasis on some aspects than others, Sir Keir said it was time to completely rethink the way we approach breakfast.

He rejected the old paradigm which said that you had to choose between cereal or a cooked breakfast, and what he called the “defeatist thinking” that eggs could be either boiled or scrambled but not both. When it was pointed out that there were no eggs anyway as he’d forgotten buy them, he reminded his wife that this was always an aspiration, not a commitment, and he hadn’t been aware of the disastrous state of his personal finances until opening his wallet at the checkout in Budgens.

He concluded by saying that surely brown toast was really just white toast that had been toasted for too long, at which point he noticed that his wife was no longer there, and neither were the suitcases he’d noticed in the hall on his way down.

Image: Pixabay/pexels

Martial law proves to be a bit Seoul-less

North Korea has urged South Korea to 'maybe calm the f*** down' after the South"s President Yoon Suk Yeol unsuccessfully tried to impose martial law. 

A North Korean spokesman wore a military uniform with so many medals on it, that it looked like he was about to fall over

'We welcome the South Korean President making an absolute tool of himself in front of the entire world. Our official statement is "Ha ha ha".'

'For once, it wasn't even our fault, but you execute one suspected dissenter by flamethrower and everyone loses their minds.'

'If Kim Jong Un imposed martial law, it would stay imposed. All the MPs and protesters and all of their families and acquaintances would be in a re-education camp, re-educating the s*** out of themselves. We take the north south divide very seriously.'

Image: Pixabay/cskkkk

Scientists hail new early-detection blood test for 20 incurable diseases and ruin everyone’s day

Scientists have announced success in developing a blood test alerting people that they have the early but unmistakable signs of diseases for which there is currently no known cure. The test requires a mere prick of a finger and then a terrifying 5 day wait for lab results that could put a real crimp in the rest of your days.

‘This test marks a new high watermark in scaring people witless,’ said a white coat set to cream millions when the developers, Skull&Bones Pharminc, goes public next Friday the 13th. ‘We are at the cutting edge of knowing almost by looking at people as they enter the lab whether they will get something terminal before their time. Come on down,’ he added, wagging a finger.

Up until now, most people had been able to go about their lives in comparative ignorance of their ultimate fate, putting off thoughts of death until as late as possible. Happily, those days are over. From next month, for $666, science will tell you how and when you will die, and that they can’t do jack to help. ‘I can hardly wait to learn at an early stage whether I might one day have something incurably terminal,’ said a still youngish man with unhealthy habits.

But others have expressed a note of caution. ‘There are still other incurable diseases for which we haven’t yet developed an early stage blood test,’ remarked that white coat. ‘When that becomes available, only then will we be able to fully and comprehensively terrify the public.’ The ultimate goal, he concluded, is to present mothers of new born children a definite timeline for their child’s death.

Image: Pixabay/shameersck