Clacton relieved Farage is going to Trump's aid

Despite having one of the highest crime rates in the UK, more unemployment than most constituencies, longer waiting lists for the NHS than practically anywhere the good people of Clacton have responded positively to the news that Nigel Farage is going to be at Donald Trump's side while his ear scratch repairs and will stay until after the November elections to help his buddy get re-elected.

'It's only right, Donald Trump needs all the help he can get,' said Simon, queuing patiently at his local foodbank.  'Luckily Mr Farage will be able to afford the extended stay in America because he has his MP salary to survive on, plus whatever GB News is paying him.  Otherwise I'd have started a crowdfund page for him using my benefits to kick it off,' he added.

Not everybody in Clacton shares Simon's lack of concern.  Mary is worried he'll lose the GB News gig if he's based in America.  'If they start to threaten him, I'll contact my MP and ask him to intervene,' she suggested.

Image: Pixabay/Gigxels

Radical re-financing plan for Thames Water

Thames Water is saddled with billions in debt and shareholders will not provide any more cash for the deeply challenged company.

Upgrading water pipes, stopping leaks, and preventing sewage spills will cost billions, and the company has no obvious way of getting the money.   The last hope was a massive hike in customer bills, but the regulator has said no to that.

In the face of these enormous financial challenges, the company is suggesting a novel solution to its liquidity problems.

Instead of hiking customer bills, the company is proposing to stop all spending on providing clean drinking water.   Under the plan, the water provided to customers would still be suitable for laundry, washing the car, flushing the loo, and watering the garden, but it wouldn’t be safe to drink.

The company says that consumers will be able to buy water very cheaply from supermarkets, to use for drinking and cooking.   The extra cost for the average consumer will be much lower than paying Thames Water to clean the water properly.  The company can then use the money saved to pay for all those extra pipes, paying interest on its debts, and paying dividends to shareholders again.

A spokesman said, ‘I know you might expect a water company to deliver clean drinking water to its customers, and this is something we aspire to do again in future.  In the short term, we will prioritise dealing with sewage spills, and all the other tedious stuff that the regulator is banging on about.

‘We need the regulator to endorse our exciting and innovative plan in full, and not to water it down.’

Image:Pixabay/Thoxuan99

Man with boring face has not improved it with moustache

26-year-old Josh Williams from Braintree has grown a moustache. This proves two things. Firstly, the hairy mess perched atop his upper lip has not made him more interesting and, secondly, brains don't grow on trees.

Following a pounding on social media, ironic wolf whistles down the pub, and comment from his own mother to the tune of 'no amount of wax will sort that sh*t out', Josh has threatened to go full goatee.

Barmaid Linda Taylor said, 'What a nearly man does with his face is his own business. But if one wants to grow a face muff, then one must expect the attention of individuals who like to stick things in mouthminge.'

Image: Pixabay/Pexels